BetterMost Community Blogs > Messages From The Heartland
The Confessions of a Gay Altar Boy
Jeff Wrangler:
--- Quote from: dot-matrix on October 29, 2007, 07:05:09 pm ---Not unlike the Pita Bread we've been getting. It comes complete with a perforation down the middle like a zipper so when the priest holds it up it splits perfectly in two.
--- End quote ---
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
David In Indy:
Confession
We Catholics are a strange and overly scrupulous bunch of people. We claim to believe in a loving and merciful God, and yet we feel compelled to run to Confession every time we think we may have committed even the slightest of sins. Faster than crap through a goose, we're down at the church telling someone else what we think we just did. I've seen it happen over and over again.
My Mother was like this. If she even suspected I was thinking an impure thought, she'd grab me by my ear, toss me in her car and drive my ass down to the church. Pronto. Mom used to tell me to bring along my bed, because I'll probably be back there again tomorrow. Might as well spend the night in there. Most of the time she was right. I was back the next day, but often times I didn't know why.
Many non Catholics don't understand how scary Confession can be for a teenager. The Confessional is about the size of a telephone booth. Inside is a kneeler, a crucifix and a grate in the wall for the priest to speak through. It was hot and dark. Pitch black - like kneeling inside an upended coffin with the lid closed. Most of the time we'd enter the Confessional, close the door and wait for a couple of minutes in total pitch blackness and silence until the priest suddenly slid the grate open, allowing a small amount of light to penetrate the tiny room........
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Bless me Father for I have sinned. It's been.......it's been.... um.... one day since my last Confession.
David? Is that you again?
Umm. I guess so Father.
What did you do this time?
Well, I'm not sure. I was standing there talking to my Mother, and I think I might have glanced down towards my waist. Now I'm in here.
You glanced down towards your waist?
Yes Father.
Did you have any impure thoughts while you were glancing at your waist?
NO Father!
Did you touch yourself in an impure manner as you were glancing towards your waist?
NO Father! I was talking to my Mother!
So, do you confess that you might have had some impure thoughts, or touched yourself in an impure manner had your Mother not been standing there?
No Father.
Do you have anything else to confess?
No Father. I don't think so.
Say an act of contrition.
O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins because not only do I dread the loss of Heaven and the pains of Hell, but most of all because they offend Thee, my God, Who art all good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasions of sin.
By authority of our Lord Jesus Christ and Holy Mother Church, I absolve you of your sins in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. For your penance I want you to say 15 Our Fathers, 15 Hail Marys and 3 rosaries. Oh, and David?
Yes Father?
Before you come back to Confession tomorrow, have your Mother call the Church ahead of time. I'm getting tired of missing my I Love Lucy episodes because of this. Okay?
??? ??? ???
southendmd:
David, you got some 'splainin' to do.
Jeff Wrangler:
--- Quote from: ifyoucantfixit on October 29, 2007, 08:08:42 pm ---
Whole wheat pita bread, jeese..I thought it was supposed to be unleavened wheat flour....?
Shows how long since i have been to communion. :-\
--- End quote ---
Actually, after I laughed about this yesterday, I got to thinking, if that whole-wheat pita happens to be unleavened, it's probably closer to what Jesus actually used at the Last Supper than just about anything else available. :-\ I mean, pita bread is Middle Eastern, after all.
I still think the perforation is funny, though. ;D
Kelda:
--- Quote from: Nutmeg Guy on October 30, 2007, 10:19:45 am ---A Catholic Goes to Confession
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I have truly sinned, I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
The altar boy said, "a Snickers bar and a Coke."
--- End quote ---
:o :-X :laugh:
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