Our BetterMost Community > The Holiday Forum
What irks me about the holidays
Monika:
This year, for the first time in almost 20 years, I´m not gonna spend Christmas with my sister and her family. I´m just gonna hang out with my folks. I am so looking forward to a quiet, boring and relaxing Christmas this year. Yay! I+m just not the type of person who enjoys watching three kids rip open packages for three hours straight.
serious crayons:
--- Quote from: Jeff Wrangler on December 22, 2011, 12:55:29 pm ---That reminds me of how, as an "only child," I had it constantly drilled into me that "you can't always have your way." I think the intent of that drilling was admirable, and this isn't exactly the same thing, but I think the end point is similar: You are made to feel like you're a bad person if you don't always put other people's preferences ahead of your own.
Or, at least, you are made to feel like you're a bad person if you allow them to make you feel that way.
--- End quote ---
Jeff, I was going to add this in my previous post but decided not to get into it. But since you bring it up: I think when we were kids (late '50s, early to mid '60s) it was often the other way around: parents' priorities came first. Kids were to be seen and not heard -- perhaps not always, even then, but nowadays you NEVER hear that phrase except ironically -- and when the dad came home from work the mom sent the kids out of the room so he could relax in peace with his newspaper and martini. Aside from the occasional trip to Disneyland or whatever, adults' wishes set the agenda.
At least, that's what I gather based on my own dim memories of childhood along with what I've seen in Mad Men and the movie Far From Heaven. ;D
So I suppose baby boomers, resenting that treatment, vowed that they would do things differently when they became parents. And they do.
delalluvia:
Thanks for the support guys. We got into it again this morning.
We were e-mailing and she did a "Oh, BTW, I told our relatives that you decided not to come to dinner. And since you're not going, I'm going to wait until they come into town and meet them for dinner. They asked if you were mad at them, and I said, no it wasn't them it was you."
Notice how she's spun the situation so that I'm the bad guy and now HER Xmas is ruined because I'm not going.
So I e-mailed her back and asked her - rhetorically - if she had told them that the reason I wasn't going was because she had made plans for us without asking me. And there was no reason in the world she couldn't go without me.
She retorted that "Oh, my bad. I just assumed you would want to be with family on Xmas. So when ARE you going to see them?"
I replied, "When I fucking feel like it. They invite me, I DO have a choice in saying yes or no. And yes, it is your bad when you make plans for other people and they can't make your schedule. Ask next time." :D"
She replied, "Fine, I'll just apologize for you next time I see them."
I e-mailed her back not to bother, since she had put me in a very awkward position with my relatives and now I have to apologize for a situation I didn't create.
She hasn't responded to that.
I'm just so furious now and of course, it's completely ruined the relaxation I was looking forward to this weekend and I have to apologize to my relatives but I'm going to nail my sister in it because she's acted and responded so incredibly childishly I can't believe a grown woman has actually pulled the
"If you're not going, I'm not going and so I'm going to be all alone and it's all YOUR FAULT!"
Stuff you thought had gone away in grade school
>:( >:( >:( >:( >:(
serious crayons:
I think even Miss Manners would say you are not obligated to apologize to your relatives, at least not abjectly. She would probably recommend a quick pleasant call, since at least third-hand you were invited to their home, to say you're sorry there was a miscommunication between you and your sister about your availability, but that in fact you can't make it for the holiday. And that you would love to see them sometime when they're in town and hope they have a wonderful Christmas. Then hang up.
Meanwhile, immediately banish from your mind any shred of guilt you might feel about your sister. As an objective observer, I can't help wondering if maybe she did mean well, sincerely thinking you would want to be at the relatives' on Christmas. If so, that would somewhat soften her culpability for arranging it without asking you, but it doesn't make you any more obliged to go. Next time she'll know to ask. And she has no business laying a guilt trip on your for it, since she is perfectly free to go on her own. If she doesn't, that's her choice, and has nothing to do with you.
Then you have Miss Manners' permission to enjoy your holiday with a perfectly clean conscience.
delalluvia:
RESOLVED:
I e-mailed my relatives the apology, explained the situation simply and noted that my sister's melodrama caused an innocuous situation to blow up into something that it wasn't.
My relative was very gracious. She replied instantly that they were just worried that something was going on that they didn't know about. They were glad it wasn't anything serious and then she laughed and reminded me that she, too, has a sister prone to melodrama and that it must run in the family and that I must admit it keeps the level of excitement up.
She then invited me to dine with her and her husband when they come into town next week and I happily accepted.
So, happy ending to the damage control I had to do. :)
Thank you everyone for your support! :-*
Now to deal with my sister tomorrow. ::)
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