Ekeby, Bucky and Sam -
All of your stories make me sad. Even though I am a hetero, I can relate. Thanks again for sharing your heartfelt stories. They have really touched me!
These stories touch me too. This BBM experience has been a real eye opener for me, not just for having my past flash before my eyes, but learning that my situation was far from unique. I get the feeling that variations of the BBM story, like yours, Diane, are perhaps more common than not.
I'm thinking of Al's line in Latter Days: "Seriously. You need to find a way to get past this." I didn't play the "what if" game. What happened to me (and to all of us, by the sound of it), was so far out of my control that nothing I could have done would have changed the events as they transpired. Nevertheless, the sense of loss and betrayal was devastating.
It's especially hard because at some basic level, it doesn't add up the way we want it to. One: If I could live this life, so could he. Two: If he loved me the way I loved him, he should have stayed. Therefore, three: he didn't love me as much as I loved him.
That's hard. For me, it was never about regrets, or forgiveness, or what might have been. It was about the feeling that I wasn't loved enough. That I wasn't worth his giving up a straight life. Because, in the 60s, that's what it could have been, having to give up all friends, family, connections, maybe even career. I have to ask myself, is that valid? That I should feel unloved because he wouldn't or couldn't sacrifice his life?
The short answer is "no." It isn't about how much we were loved or not loved. As in BBM, it's about the other guy's fear and trembling. It's sad, even tragic. But it shouldn't effect our self-esteem and it has nothing to do with our self-worth. By participating in these boards, we're acknowledging the sadness, not indulging in self pity. It's important for us all, and for those who are reading this, to make that distinction.