Brokeback Mountain: Our Community's Common Bond > Brokeback Mountain Open Forum
6 months on.......Where are you now?
Bucky:
When I watched Brokeback Mountain it broke my heart. Jack and Ennis were so in love but they just couldn't live together because Ennis was afraid to take the risk. Also their relationship brought up both good and bad memoraries of the only gay relationship that I ever had in my life.
In some ways Jack reminded me of my ex-partner in that he was sweet but determined and understanding. Although I knew I had some attractions to men I never thought of myself as gay or unusual in a way that the heterosexual world look at it. I always thought the right girl would come along and I would marry her and have children and live happily ever after. Needless to say it didn't happen that way. I became involved in a relationship with a 21 year old guy when I was a junior in college. I didn't mean for it to happen and he didn't" knock me off my feet" with his sexuality or physique or other macho things. Heck I didn't even think he was that good looking but he really was. Why he became attracted to me I will never know but he was persistent and would be everywhere I was. There was just no getting away from him without being rude to someone who was being nice. He proceeded slowly as he could tell I was apprehensive about the whole thing.
Anyway when we had to face the problem of what we were going to do after college he just bailed out on me by going to another college. Three years later he got married and had the nerve to invite me to his wedding. Of course I wouldn't go. It has now been twenty two years since all of this happened. Now I found his email address and emailed him and now I am getting several emails a day from him. His life was a mess with a wife he didn't love and a son who will be a senior in high school this coming year. I thought he was in love with another man but now I don't think so as he is putting a "full court press" on me right now. He wants to get back together with me again saying that "I am the only person who ever really understood him and really loved him." He got part of it right I really did love him but he did some things that I could never understand. I told him that I was not in any relationship which is true and he bought the Brokeback Mountain DVD on my suggestion and tells me that he loves it. He even said that he was like Jack and I was like Ennis but Jack would never have deserted Ennis.
The truth is I will always love him. I think back over the years when I thought I hated him I really loved him. My problem is that I just don't want to see him or get involved in his life again. I was involved once and I got hurt and I don't want to repeat the same mistake. I will just keep on emailing him and try to be evasive when he wants us to meet again. I also don't really trust him either because he has never really apologized for deserting me. For awhile I thought I was getting closure but what I have is a wide open situation with the same two characters emailing each other but I am not ready for a relationship now especially one with him. I am in control of my life again and I am afraid that if I see him my emotions will overrule my reason. He also has a situation with a wife and son and I am not going to get in the middle of that as I did once upon a time when he told me he left his girlfriend now wife for me. I don't need that kind of trouble. So six months after Brokeback Mountain I am right back in the midst of a troubled situation and while I love him and don't want to hurt him I am so afraid of getting involved with him for a lot reasons including trust and his marital situation. :-\
Momof2:
I agree with you. I have not seen the movie in over a month. Just can not find any alone time. I can pretty much picture the entire movie in my head. I finally got to read the short story. I like the movie better. I would have liked to have seen more of the book in the movie. I am not as numb as I once was. My feelings are a little more mellow now. I think that I feel sadder about some areas of their lives. I think they will forever remain in my mind. I am glad that some of the intensity has eased. Now I can have a sort of normal life again.
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nic:
I am 7 months on. I still am interested in all the debates about was Ennis gay, did Jack quit him, should Alma have left Ennis earlier, etc etc Probably cos I have only dipped into the discussions as most of my time spent on BBM is reading fan fiction. I was wary about getting into fan fic cos I knew this would happen but couldn't resist - so many talented authors! So I still have BBM fever to a moderate degree. Still get heartsick at odd times when Ennis's plight hits me - that pain never gets old. :(
ednbarby:
Bucky, your story breaks my heart. To those who would say Brokeback is "only a movie" and/or "is not real life," you need only read Bucky's post (and others like it throughout this board) to see how wrong you are.
Katie77:
--- Quote from: ednbarby on September 07, 2006, 07:50:37 pm ---Bucky, your story breaks my heart. To those who would say Brokeback is "only a movie" and/or "is not real life," you need only read Bucky's post (and others like it throughout this board) to see how wrong you are.
--- End quote ---
That is so true.....when someone says to me, it is "just a movie"...it pisses me off, it is definately about real stories, real people, real love.....
Thank you Bucky, for sharing your story with us, I hope you can find happiness....
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