BetterMost Community Blogs > I Miss You On Weekends
I miss you on weekends
Bucky:
Phoenix,
I had a crush/love like you do once only it wasn't in high school but in college. It started out slowly or gradually and suddenly this one guy became my best friend. He was everywhere I was or at least that was the way it seemed. We walked to our classes every day together. It was his idea not mine but I really liked it after awhile. We ate lunch together and began to do a lot of things together even playing pool together and bowling. I know my other friends started to wonder why I was spending so much time with this guy. In some ways it was a little embarassing but if it made him happy I was glad to do it.
He had a girl friend at the time and I didn't. He eventually broke up with her and told me that he did. I had an idea of why he broke up with her but I would never say anything that might scare him away. He finally told me that he broke up with his girl friend because he liked someone else. So I said "who is it you like?" He said I am looking at him. I then said a dumb thing but it was alright. I said "you mean me?" The answer was yes. This was in February of 1984 and we had a great time that year both in the spring semester and during the summer term. We still had to be a little careful not to give ourselves away to the whole college but it was great. In a lot of ways it was just like a boyfriend and girlfriend type of relationship except we were two guys. It was the most intense love that I ever had with anyone but it didn't last. He left in the fall term to go to a different college and I was left alone. It took him three years to contact me again and that was to invite me to his wedding to the same girl that he had quit for me. I could not bring myself to go to that wedding.
Maybe it is just me but when you are younger love hurts more than when you get older but maybe I am wrong. Since I saw Brokeback Mountain I got in contact with him again after twenty two years. His life is not happy and he wants to divorce his wife but he has a seventeen year old son who is a senior in high school this year. The only advice I gave him was to stay with his wife at least until his son got out of high school and then she would probably give him a divorce. He was seeing some guy that he wanted to leave his wife for but then he wanted to rekindle what we had in college but I told him no. If I were younger I might have said yes but I am forty three years old right now and I am not exactly looking for a relationship at the present of any kind but that might change in a few years. Who knows?
I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through and the kind of love you have for Bill doesn't happen every day because it has happened to me only once in forty three years. I think my guy was scared off by homophobia as we were both afraid of how it would work out when we left college. I only blamed him for bailing out on me without a word but I am even over that part now. He was twenty when we had our relationship and I was nineteen when it started but I had turned twenty before it ended. He told me before he left to go home after the summer term that he just couldn't see how what we had could work out after we got out of college. I don't know if it could have worked either but I was willing to give it a try but he wasn't.
Shakesthecoffecan:
Yeah Pheonix I think about you and Bill, remembering my on feelings for guys when I was your age. You are lucky in that you have a good friendship with him, something I didn't really have.
These are difficult waters, and a lot of time you have to feel your way thru it by trial and error. Hang in there and know you are not alone. Be patient, and it will come together for you when it is supposed to.
RebelWithASmile:
--- Quote from: Bucky on October 17, 2006, 02:39:17 am ---Phoenix,
I had a crush/love like you do once only it wasn't in high school but in college. It started out slowly or gradually and suddenly this one guy became my best friend. He was everywhere I was or at least that was the way it seemed. We walked to our classes every day together. It was his idea not mine but I really liked it after awhile. We ate lunch together and began to do a lot of things together even playing pool together and bowling. I know my other friends started to wonder why I was spending so much time with this guy. In some ways it was a little embarassing but if it made him happy I was glad to do it.
He had a girl friend at the time and I didn't. He eventually broke up with her and told me that he did. I had an idea of why he broke up with her but I would never say anything that might scare him away. He finally told me that he broke up with his girl friend because he liked someone else. So I said "who is it you like?" He said I am looking at him. I then said a dumb thing but it was alright. I said "you mean me?" The answer was yes. This was in February of 1984 and we had a great time that year both in the spring semester and during the summer term. We still had to be a little careful not to give ourselves away to the whole college but it was great. In a lot of ways it was just like a boyfriend and girlfriend type of relationship except we were two guys. It was the most intense love that I ever had with anyone but it didn't last. He left in the fall term to go to a different college and I was left alone. It took him three years to contact me again and that was to invite me to his wedding to the same girl that he had quit for me. I could not bring myself to go to that wedding.
Maybe it is just me but when you are younger love hurts more than when you get older but maybe I am wrong. Since I saw Brokeback Mountain I got in contact with him again after twenty two years. His life is not happy and he wants to divorce his wife but he has a seventeen year old son who is a senior in high school this year. The only advice I gave him was to stay with his wife at least until his son got out of high school and then she would probably give him a divorce. He was seeing some guy that he wanted to leave his wife for but then he wanted to rekindle what we had in college but I told him no. If I were younger I might have said yes but I am forty three years old right now and I am not exactly looking for a relationship at the present of any kind but that might change in a few years. Who knows?
I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through and the kind of love you have for Bill doesn't happen every day because it has happened to me only once in forty three years. I think my guy was scared off by homophobia as we were both afraid of how it would work out when we left college. I only blamed him for bailing out on me without a word but I am even over that part now. He was twenty when we had our relationship and I was nineteen when it started but I had turned twenty before it ended. He told me before he left to go home after the summer term that he just couldn't see how what we had could work out after we got out of college. I don't know if it could have worked either but I was willing to give it a try but he wasn't.
--- End quote ---
I really hope Bill can like me, but sometimes, IDK. He was just sexually harrassed by his bus driver, how sick, and figures. Not that i long to be sexually active, but i just want Bill.
10/17
Saw Christina Aguilera's Hurt Music video on MTV. It was good.
Bill shook my hand three times today. The second time, i was so embarassed because he put his hand in such a way that i couldn't really shake it, so i just laid my hand in it (like a high five) ;D OMG! I got really red, but pushed it off He's giving me another Sin City book. Awesome.
A new poem i wrote, which i gave Bill.....this one is sadistic
REGRET
I see you bleed
I was your weed
the emotional reed
but i needed to feed
Why stop now?
I hold you with care
and pat your hair
I admire your smell
Then i send you to hell
but i can not, will not
let go......
I kill you slow
I hear your plea
It holds the key
what a beautiful symphony
it brings me euphoria
I want to bathe in your sweat
to stink of you
but i don't know what to do
'cause in my raging madness........
I notice
I miss you
RebelWithASmile:
10/18
HAHA! I broke up with my girlfriend!!!! YES!!! i'm so happy.
BUT, not without controversy. I wrote her a nice note about it, and i said how i didn't want her to change, i just wanted out. But of course she has to get all rednecked, and she cusses me out for no reason! God, she's so stupid that i pity her. I was ecstatic at lunch, and BILL said he liked me better this way. He was adding to the fire, saying that it was good that I dropped that 'slut, whore bitch.' It was all just fun in games, of course. We shook hands again.......but he doesn't want to see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with me and another friend. :(
Its all good. I had a good intelligent conversation with some fellow honor students about serial killers, so today wasn't bad at all. Even before i broke up with my girlfriend i was thinking how October 18th had a ring to it that i liked.
Though i hardly liked my GF, i can't but feel a little melancholic. IDK why, its just my way.........
peace
Lumière:
Hey Phoenix
I wouldn't say your poem "Regret" is sadistic, it is sad and speaks of longings, desires .. very nice .. :)
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