Our BetterMost Community > Chez Tremblay
Another viewing, and a revelation
Lynne:
Barb,
I wish you were here because first I would give you the biggest hug ever! I read this when you first posted, but needed some time to gather my thoughts and write a thoughtful reply.
--- Quote ---Like Eric has said, what you get out of this movie is what you bring to it. And part of that is one's willingness to face what one brings to it.
--- End quote ---
Eric is so wise, isn't he?
There are not words for how sorry I am that you were a victim of sexual abuse. I've seen how devastating that can be for a woman. (One of my best friends was also abused by her brother when she was a child.) I am so proud of you - that you were finally able to be honest with your husband about that awful time. That took an incredible amount of courage and trust. Secrets like that can eat away at your heart and sabotage everything good around you. It is fabulous that you feel like you two are getting a chance to start over. Your husband sounds like a good caring and loving person; from what you said, his response was 100% right. It sounds simplistic, but to my mind, one of the most beautiful things in life is that each day brings us a chance for a fresh start when we need it.
I also think it's wonderful that you feel safe enough here to share something so intensely personal. I don't think there could be any finer testament to the strength of our connections.
Love,
Lynne
ednbarby:
Thanks, Lynne and Mel and everyone else again for your very kind thoughts.
On an aside - and this is nothing that stems from anything anyone has said here - you've all been lovely, as always - but just some random thoughts I've had about it - I don't want or intend to use this revelation as a sort of crutch. Yes, I was victimized. But I'm not a victim. Only we can decide to consider ourselves that. My only mistake was in pushing it all down inside of me for so long to the detriment of my marriage and other important relationships I've had, and to the detriment of my own mental health. But it was an honest and understandable mistake, and I forgive myself for it.
Ellemeno:
Barb, sent ya a PM. Hug, Elle
j.U.d.E.:
WOW! Thank you Barb for sharing this! You are a lucky woman to have met Ed!
--- Quote from: ednbarby on October 15, 2006, 08:15:16 am --- Until two weeks ago, when we finally had "The Talk" - the one that would determine whether we would separate or not. Yes, it had gotten that bad. Two weeks ago I told him the truth - that in fact it was one of my brothers. And it was for at least three years, when I was between the ages of 6 and 9. All this time, I had rationalized that I should never tell him because I didn't want him to hate my brother. I have a decent relationship with him now - he's even visited us, with his wife at the time, a couple of times here in Florida and he and my husband get along quite well. But I realize it was really because I was ashamed and I worried that he'd think less of me.
--- End quote ---
What I'm about to say/ask is probably silly, but HOW ON EARTH can you have a decent relationship with your brother now?! Have you two ever talked? What does he say about his acts? Pardon me, I hope I'm not digging too deep.. ehm.. gosh..
When you say you don't understand why you did nothing, said nothing to anybody while it was happening, I have always asked myself that question, why abused children or teenagers don't say anything. I'm not trying to accuse you of anything!!, I just wonder sometimes, because children do seem to know that it's wrong and that that person is doing something bad to them. I know a lot of fear and pressure and angst is involved. Often the abuser is threatening the child with horrible things and I guess when you are a kid, you don't know how to get 'out of' that situation, but damn it! sometimes even the own mother (or other family members) who know, are willingly 'blind' just for the sake of their marriage or of what others might say.. I'm getting angry at this, although I've never experience anything like it, nor have I (consciously) known anyone to whom it happened.. A deep bow to your other brother who found out (how did he find out?) and stopped it all!
--- Quote ---And again you are so right - being a pedophile has nothing to do with one's sexual orientation (straight or gay) they are simply sexually attracted to children.
--- End quote ---
Exactly! I hate it when people don't understand that!
As for Ennis, as much as I hate the idea, but I think too, that closing that cupboard at the end of the film, he does seem to acknowledge his deep deep love for Jack, but I don't think he will have moved on from there. He's probably ending up his life in some trailer or other, isolated and alone, with visits from his children and grandchildren from time to time. .. (I'm using present tence, because I think Ennis is still out there somewhere.. :-* )
Big hug to you Barb and David!
j. U. d. E.
ednbarby:
It's not silly - I'm sure it's hard for many people who've not experienced it themselves to understand why we say nothing. First, he was a father figure to me. He was the only one I trusted (before it started happening) - he taught me to ride a two-wheel bike, tie my shoes, cook, and other things my parents should have done. But my Dad was gone and my Mom was drunk - she started drinking heavily around the time I was five and in kindegarten, and it started happening not long after she became mentally and emotionally unavailable. Second, he threatened me. "If you tell anyone, I'll tell Mom you've been stealing from her." In fact it was he who was stealing from her, but somehow he had me believing he could make her believe it was me and that she would be very angry with me for it.
My other brother caught him in the act. He seemed to do nothing about it at the time, but I learned only in recent years that in fact he beat the hell out of him and told him if he ever even thought about touching me again, he'd kill him. I had always just figured it ended because my brother knew the other one knew.
How can we have a decent relationship now? Well, denial is a very powerful thing. I'm sure if anyone (even I) confronted him about it, he'd call us liars. He's also a raging alcoholic and has a lot of trouble with relationships. His life has always been shite (self-inflicted mostly). I don't give him any allowances for what he did because of that, but it's not like he's living the life of Riley having been a sexual predator as a kid, either. As the song goes, I think he takes his pension in loneliness and alcohol. And there's been my denial as well. It kept me from telling my husband for 18 years, even though he's the one I trust most in the world and the one who is in fact worthy of that trust. It made me hate my other brother for years for not actively doing anything about it when in fact he did, but because we never talked about it until two years ago, I didn't know that.
And when I say "decent," I don't mean we're the best of friends. We're civil to one another and keep each other apprised of events in our family, and he's visited a couple of times with his second wife (hey, I do live in Florida, and it's awfully nice here in February) but that's it. And the reason that much of a relationship came to be is because he was the one who had to find my mother when she had died of a heart attack alone in her apartment in 1992. He had quit drinking for a year and was seemingly finally getting his life together, and then that. He's never recovered from it. Started drinking again later that same day. Still won't talk about it. Has been through two wives since it and is on Number Three. I hadn't spoken to him at all in about two years when he called me to tell me she had died. What can I say? I felt bad for him. I hate him for what he did, but I love him because he's my brother. And like it or not, he and my other brother and I know each other as well as anyone can. I could tell you more stories about our childhood that would make your toenails curl, but I won't inflict any more ugliness on the general populace here.
Sorry if I sound defensive - I don't mean to be. But I do want people who wonder "Why didn't you do something/tell somebody?" and "How can you get along with him now?" to understand the reasons, and to understand how complicated it becomes when you're talking about a member of your immediate family being the abuser.
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