Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Shasta542]

A man escaped prison by digging a tunnel from his cell to
the outside world. Emerging in the middle of a pre-school
playground, he shouted "I'm free, I'm Free !!"

"So what, " said a little girl, "I'm four !"
 

How cute!  

[pettifogger]

For weeks a six year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements ofthe unborn child. The six year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacherabout the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it.”

[pettifogger]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One old lady pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Maude : What in the hell is that ?

Mabel : A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Maude : Where did you get it ?

Mabel : You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

An old man lived in the country. He wanted to dig his potato garden but it was hard work as the ground was so hard. His son Fred who used to help him was in prison. The old man wrote to him, and described his predicament:


Dear Fred,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over as I know you would dig it for me,

Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son –

Dear Dad;

For heaven’s sake Dad don’t dig up that garden, that’s where I buried the BODIES!

Love,
Fred

At 4 am the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son

Dear Dad;

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love,
Fred

[dot-matrix]

Some lesser known Murphy’s Laws - - -


Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


He who laughs last, thinks slowest.


Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.


The 50-50-90 rule : Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.


If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.


The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.


Flashlight : A case for holding dead batteries.


When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[dot-matrix]

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
preacher’s salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, saying:

“Children are Gift from God.” Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

And the congregation said “ Amen! ”

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Three aspiring psychiatrists from various colleges were attending
their first class on emotional extremes.
“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor, “What is
the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” says one student.

“And the opposite of depression?”

“Elation,” said another.

“And you sir, he said to another young man from Texas,
“How about the opposite of woe ?”

“Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.”

[dot-matrix]

Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty
girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress.
How much does it cost ?”


“Only one kiss per yard,” replied the smirking male clerk.

“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the
clerk measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out
teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
“Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.