Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

Everybody who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot"
So I call mine "Sex" Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's liccnse. I told the
clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

. . .He said, "I would like to have one too !"

, , , Then I said, "But she is a dog !"

, , , He said he didn't care what she looked like.

, , , I said, "You don't understand . . . I have had Sex since I was nine years old.

. . . He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

. . . When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would
like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after
the wedding was over.

. . . I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole
world revolves around Sex."

. . . He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and he
would not maarry us in his church.

. . . I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.

. . . The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace, My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.

. . . He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.

. . . I said, "You don't understand . . .Sex keeps me awake at night."

. . . The clerk said, "Me too !"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.

. . . He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

. . . You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."

. . . He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."

. . . The Judge said, "Me too !"

Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 am. I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

- - My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.

. . . Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

. . . I replied, " Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn't live any longer, so lonely."

. . . The doctor said, " Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog !!"

[dot-matrix]

A pirate walked inro a bar and the bartender said, " Hey I haven't seen
you for awhile. What happened. You look terrible."

"What do you mean ? I feel fine", said the pirate.
"What about the wooden leg ?" You didn't have that before."

"Well we were in battle and I got hit by a canon ball, but I'm fine now.
"Well, what about the hook. What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got intoa sword
fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook, but I'm fine."

"What about the eye patch ?
"Oh one day, we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over, and I
looked up and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "But surely you couldn't
lose an eye just from a little bird poop?"

"It was my first day with the hook !!"

[Kerry]

[underdown]

I'm  lovin' all these jokes and stories and cartoons ... BRILLIANT!!


Susie 

That's the understatement of the year, Susiebell!!!

Dot.matrix .. you would leave everyone in your dust.

Love the cartoons, Kerry.

THANK YOU, people.
(It means rather a lot at the moment). 

[pettifogger]

A newly wed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who
immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

The farmer genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law
hoping it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.

To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding
changes, offering unwanted advice, and making life unbearable for
the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly.

At the funeral a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and
greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something
to the farmer, he would nod his head and say something.

Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however,
he would shake his head and mumble a reply.

Very curious about this bizzare behavior, the pastor later asked the
farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy'
and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' "

The men would ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake
my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year !!' "

[pettifogger]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of
his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a
truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the
driver's side. The counsellor immediately grabbed his mobile phone
and dialled 000 and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer
started screaming hysterically. His Lexus which he had picked up
the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the
same, no matter, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving,
the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are
so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing ?" askd the lawyer.

The cop replied, " Don't you know that your left arm is missing from
the elbow down ? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex ?"

[pettifogger]

A couple returned from their honeymoon, and it it's obvious that
they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him
aside and asks ehat is wrong.

"Well, " replied the man, "When we had finished making love on
the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill
on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much.," said his friend,
"I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect
you to have been saving yourself all these years."

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over
this though, She gave me $20 change !!"

[dot-matrix]

If a dog was the teacher, you would learn stuff like :



When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to
be pure ecstasy.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others
know when they have invaded your territory.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt
thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you've had enough.

Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and
nuzzle them gently.

[dot-matrix]

A Man walks into a bar with his son.  His son is very unusual, he has no body, just a head.

As the boy takes his first sip of beer, *POP*, two arms spring out of his head.

As he takes another sip, *POP*, two legs appear from nowhere.

On his final sip, *POP* a complete body pops out.

Delighted with his new body, he skips out of the bar and *BAM* get run over and killed by a truck.

The bar tender turns to the dad and says "He should have quit while he was ahead."



*groan*