Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

I recently visited a new doctor. After two visits to the GP and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80 ?"

He asked, :Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine ?"
"Oh, no," I replied, "I'm not doing drugs either."
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib eye steaks and barbecued ribs ?"
"No, I don't." I said, "My former doctor said red meat was
unhealthy."

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking or bicycling ?"
"No," I said.
He asked, " Do you gamble, drive fast cars or have too much sex ?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things,"

He looked at me and said, "Then why in the hell would you want
to live to be 80 ?"

[dot-matrix]

A woman gets on a bus and is disgusted when a little old man
stands up to give her his seat.

"Patronising old fool." she mutters as she pushes him back down.

A minute later, another woman gets on and the old man rises to
his feet once more.

"Male chauvinist pig," seethes the woman as she pushes him
back down again.

The bus stops again and more women got on, and once more the
little old man attempts to stand up.

"You're living in the Stone Age" hisses the woman as she pushes
him down.

"For Heaven's sake Ladies!" wails the little old man. "Will, you let me get
off ? I've missed three stops already !"

Ooooppps 

[dot-matrix]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[dot-matrix]

Idiot 

[dot-matrix]

So, George W Bush is doing yet another photo op at an elementary school, and this one’s been going pretty well, so he offers to take questions. A little boy raises his hand.

“Okay, you,” says George, smiling. “What’s your name?”

“Billy.”

“Billy. And what’s your question?”

“I have three questions,” Billy says. “First, why did you go to war without UN approval? Second, why are you president when Gore got more votes? Third, where’s Osama bin Laden?”

George is taken aback. “Uh, those are really hard questions,” he says.

Just then the bell rings. “Whoops, time for recess!” George says. “Guess I’ll have to answer your questions when recess is over.”

After recess, when the kids have settled back down again, George says “Okay, who’s got a question?”

A little kid raises his hand, and George calls on him.

“What’s your name?” George asks.

“Steve.”

“Okay, Steve. What’s your question?”

“I have five questions,” Steve says. “First, why did you go to war without UN approval? Second, why are you president when Gore got more votes? Third, where’s Osama bin Laden? Fourth, why did the bell for recess ring twenty minutes early? And fifth, what happened to Billy?”

[dot-matrix]

George Bush and George Bush were dragging a deer they had just shot back to their truck. Another hunter approached, pulling his alongside theirs.

"Sirs, I don't want to tell you how to do something," he said, " But I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer the other way. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

After the third hunter left, George and George decided to try it. A little while later George said to George, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"

"Yeah," said George, "but we're getting farther from the truck.

[dot-matrix]

Al Gore, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush go to heaven, and God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''

Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now.''

God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''

Bill Replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''

God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''

Then God addresses George.

"George, what do you believe in?''

He replies: "I believe you're in my chair."

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot....

[pettifogger]

The husband has just finished reading a book entitled,
'You can be the man of your house.' He stormed out to
his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on,
you need to know that I am the man of the house, and my
word is law."

"You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I have
finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

"After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will
have the kind of sex I want.

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You
will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe

"The you will massage my feet and hands and fluff my pillows
and make me comfortable for a good night's sleep.

Then tomorrow, guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The local funeral director would be my first guess."