Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise
for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the
ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at the
moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the agent phoned and said he could get
them on a three day cruise. The guy was disappointed it was
such a short cruise, but he booked it and went to the drug-store
to buy 3 sea sick pills and 3 condoms.

The next day the agent called back and reported that he had a
5 day cruise to offer.
"Great, I'll take it," said the guy.. He returned to the same pharmacy
to buy two more sea sick pills and two condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet sgsin, snd said he
was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an 8 day cruise.

The guy was elated and went back to the chemist. He asked for
three mor sea sick pills and three condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look,
I'm not trying to pry. But if it makes you so sick why do you
keep on doing it ?"

[dot-matrix]

A little girl aked her mother, "Can I go outside to play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,  they are too
rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few minutes and then asked,

"If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him ?"  

[Katie77]

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

[Kerry]

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.....

               

[Kerry]

Kerry, you are brilliant!

Thank ya kindly, Dagi. 

I'm on a roll! 

[Katie77]

Subject: Goldfish
 
Before you read this story, just answer one question to yourself. The answer should be a simple yes or no, here is the question:
 
Do you have a goldfish?  Just answer yes or no, and then read below.
 
Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.  The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
 
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way he's a stockbroker.
 
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
 
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet.  On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.  Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
 
Dave: - Scuse me, no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
 
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
 
Dave: - Oh! What's that then?
 
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example.  Do you have a goldfish at home?
 
Dave: - Er mmm well yeah, I do as it happens!
 
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond.  Which is it?
 
Dave: - It's in a pond!
 
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
 
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
 
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
 
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house, built it myself,
 
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
 
Dave: - Yes I am married; I live with my wife and three children.
 
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
 
Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!
 
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
 
Dave: - Me? Never
 
Suit: - Well there you are!  That's logical science at work!
 
Dave: - How's that then?
 
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
 
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive, thanks mate!
 
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
 
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
 
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
 
Stuart: - What's that then?
 
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
 
Stuart: - Nope
 
Dave: - Well then, you're a wanker

_____________________________________________________________________

[dot-matrix]

How to maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity. . . .



At lunch time sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put your waste paper bin on your desk and label it "IN."

Order a diet water wherever you go out in the car, with a straight face.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

When the money comes out of the ATM scream: "I won ! I won !!"

[dot-matrix]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.

He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a..............(scroll down for the answer)




have you guessed yet ...




wait for it...




almost there ....






it made him a:     super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!


( I know..pretty bad huh!) 

[Kerry]

[Dagi]

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a sheep home...