Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

An elderly doctor took a young partner into his practice
and said,: "I would like you to accompany me on my visit
tomorrow so that you can observe my procedure, which
you may care to adopt." So the next day they set off.

The first visit was to a rather plump lady, the old doctor,
after introducing his new young partner, then took her
temperature, but dropped the thermometer which
he retrieved from under the bed where it had fallen.

As they prepared to depart, he said : "You know, Mrs.
Goodbody, you would recover much quicker if you didn't
eat so many chocolates." The patient blushed and they left.

When they were outside the house, the young doctor asked :
"How did you know about her eating chocolates ?"

"Well," replied the other, " you saw me stoop down to pick up
the thermometer? Under the bed were all the chocolate
wrappers.


At the next house a very elegant lady was sitting up in bed
in readiness for their visit. So the old doctor said : "I've
brought along my new partner who will attend to you this
morning Mrs. Loveday. Whereupon the young doctor proceeded
to take the patient's temperature and he also dropped the
thermometer which fell to the floor.

As they were leaving he said, "Mrs. Loveday, you ought not
to be taking quite so much interest in church affairs."

When they had left the house, the old doctor asked,
"Why on earth did you say that about the church ?"

"Well," replied the doctor, "I did what you did and
dropped the thermometer and when I reached under
the bed to pick it up, there was the vicar !!"

[dot-matrix]

I have just been informed that there is a dangerous virus being
passed around electronically, orally and by hand. This virus is
called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK) If you

receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone
else via any means - DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should
come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good
friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known
as Work-Isolating- Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-
Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER) Take the antidote repeatedly
until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should share this information with 5 freiends ! If you do not have 5 friends,
you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[dot-matrix]

Wedding vows inspired by Dr. Seuss


written by Marty Blase
whose fiancee, bless her, refused to use them for their wedding

Pastor: Will you answer me right now
These questions, as your wedding vow?

<><><><>

Groom: Yes, I will answer right now
Your questions as my wedding vow.

<><><><>


Pastor: Will you take her as your wife?
Will you love her all your life?

<><><><>

Groom: Yes, I take her as my wife,
Yes, I'll love her all my life.

<><><><>

Pastor: Will you have, and also hold
Just as you have at this time told?

<><><><>

Groom: Yes, I will have, and I will hold,
Just as I have at this time told,
Yes, I will love her all my life
As I now take her as my wife.

<><><><>

Pastor: Will you love through good and bad?
Whether you're happy or sad?

<><><><>

Groom: Yes, I'll love through good and bad,
Whether we're happy or sad,
Yes, I will have and I will hold
Just as I have already told,
Yes, I will love her all my life,
Yes, I will take her as my wife!

<><><><>

Pastor: Will you love her if you're rich?
Or if you're poor, and in a ditch?

<><><><>

Groom: Yes, I'll love her if we're rich,
And I will love her in a ditch,
I'll love her through good times and bad,
Whether we are happy or sad,
Yes, I will have, and I will hold
(I could have sworn this has been told!)
I promise to love all my life
This woman, as my lawful wife!

<><><><><>

Pastor: Will you love her when you're fit,
And also when you're feeling sick?

<><><><>

Groom: Yes, I'll love her when we're fit,
And when we're hurt, and when we're sick,
And I will love her when we're rich
And I will love her in a ditch
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold
Ten years from now a thousandfold,
Yes, I will love for my whole life
This lovely woman as my wife!

<><><><><>

Pastor: Will you love with all your heart?
Will you love till death you part?

<><><><>

Groom: Yes, I'll love with all my heart
From now until death do us part,
And I will love her when we're rich,
And when we're broke and in a ditch,
And when we're fit, and when we're sick,
(Oh, CAN'T we get this finished quick?)
And I will love through good and bad,
And I will love when glad or sad,
And I will have, and I will hold,
And if I might now be so bold,
I'll love her my entire life,
Yes, I WILL take her as my wife!

<><><><>

Pastor: Then if you'll take her as your wife,
And if you'll love her all your life,
And if you'll have, and if you'll hold,
From now until the stars grow cold,
And if you'll love through good and bad,
And whether you're happy or sad,
And love in sickness, and in health,
And when you're poor, and when in wealth,
And if you'll love with all your heart,
From now until death do you part,
Yes, if you'll love her through and through,
Please answer with these words:

<><><><>

Pastor and Groom: I DO!

<><><><>

Pastor: You're married now!
So kiss the bride, 
But please, do keep it dignified.

[Kerry]

Boys, pul-ease, not in the middle of the oval!    Save the hanky-panky for the locker room!  

[Kerry]

[Kerry]

[Sharon]

You all do a great job!

[Sharon]

Dress to Kill

[dot-matrix]

Fifty-one years ago, Herman Jones, a North Carolina mountain man,
was drafted into the Army

On his first day of basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That
afternoon the Army sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush, That
afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth out.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has
been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[dot-matrix]

True Friendship. None of that Sissy Crap.

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always
sound good, but never actually come close to reality.

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true
friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this one. Just the
stone cold truth of our friendship.

1. When you are sad - - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge
against the effing b*****d who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you got lucky.

4. When you are scared - - I will make fun of you about it, every
chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about
how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath - - - I pledge it to the end.
Why you may ask; "Because you are my friend."

OK maybe one cutesy little smiley faces