Kerry's Komedy Klub

[dot-matrix]

[dot-matrix]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail
with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome,
extremely sexy, middle aged man entered. He was so striking
that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare
and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.) Before she
could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over
and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything
that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 . . .
on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was.
The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do
in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment. And then
slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed
into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply
into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said . . . . .

"Clean my house."
 

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

Why athletes cannot hold real jobs

  New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

  And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

  Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

  Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

  Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

  Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then, line up in a circle."

  Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton "

  Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

  Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

  Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

  Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

  Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

  Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin' )

[Kerry]

[dot-matrix]

[Katie77]

CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00
+ Fried Explorer: $15.00
+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of s..., it takes all morning."

[Katie77]

A man walks into a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out
a gun ... and robs the bank!!!
To make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next
customer in line: "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies: "YES!"

The bank robber raises his gun, POINTS IT &BANG!! SHOOTS HIM in THE HEAD
AND KILLS HIM!

He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says, to the man ... "DID
... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK?"

The man calmly responds: "No, but my wife did!"

[Kerry]

[Katie77]

Overheard On The Intercom
 
A jumbo jet was coming in for its final approach to Tampa Airport .

     The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our  final descent into Tampa . I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".

     He forgets to switch off the intercom.

     Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

     The copilot can be heard saying to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got  planned while we're in Tampa ?"

     "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take  a big crap....then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits  out for dinner.... I 'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room  and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long and put a huge smile on her face."

     Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately  begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

     Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cock pit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old  lady's bag and down she goes.

     The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta land the plane and take a crap first.