Author Topic: Kerry's Komedy Klub  (Read 1217573 times)

Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #4210 on: June 13, 2010, 11:10:03 pm »
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Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #4211 on: June 15, 2010, 08:19:11 am »
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Offline Mandy21

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #4212 on: June 16, 2010, 08:19:54 am »
IN THAT LONG AGO TIME WHEN THINGS WERE SAVED,
WHEN ROADS WERE GRAVELED AND BARRELS WERE STAVED,
WHEN WORN-OUT CLOTHING WAS USED AS RAGS,
AND THERE WERE NO PLASTIC WRAP OR BAGS,
AND THE WELL AND THE PUMP WERE WAY OUT BACK,
A VERSATILE ITEM WAS THE FLOUR SACK.

PILLSBURY'S BEST, MOTHER'S, AND GOLD MEDAL, TOO,
STAMPED THEIR NAMES PROUDLY IN PURPLE AND BLUE.
THE STRING SEWN ON TOP WAS PULLED AND KEPT;
THE FLOUR EMPTIED AND SPILLS WERE SWEPT.
THE BAG WAS FOLDED AND STORED IN A SACK
THAT DURABLE, PRACTICAL FLOUR SACK.

THE SACK COULD BE FILLED WITH FEATHERS AND DOWN,
FOR A PILLOW, OR T'WOULD MAKE A NICE SLEEPING GOWN.
IT COULD CARRY A BOOK AND BE A SCHOOL BAG,
OR BECOME A MAIL SACK SLUNG OVER A NAG.
IT MADE A VERY CONVENIENT PACK,
THAT ADAPTABLE, COTTON FLOUR SACK.

BLEACHED AND SEWN, IT WAS DUTIFULLY WORN
AS BIBS, DIAPERS, OR KERCHIEF ADORNED.
IT WAS MADE INTO SKIRTS, BLOUSES AND SLIPS.
AND MOM BRAIDED RUGS FROM ONE HUNDRED STRIPS.
SHE MADE RUFFLED CURTAINS FOR THE HOUSE OR SHACK,
FROM THAT HUMBLE BUT TREASURED FLOUR SACK!

AS A STRAINER FOR MILK OR APPLE JUICE,
TO WAVE MEN IN, IT WAS A VERY GOOD USE,
AS A SLING FOR A SPRAINED WRIST OR A BREAK,
TO HELP MOTHER ROLL UP A JELLY CAKE,
AS A WINDOW SHADE OR TO STUFF A CRACK,
WE USED A STURDY, COMMON FLOUR SACK!

AS DISH TOWELS, EMBROIDERED OR NOT,
THEY COVERED UP DOUGH, HELPED PASS PANS SO HOT,
TIED UP DISHES FOR NEIGHBORS IN NEED,
AND FOR MEN OUT IN THE FIELD TO SEED.
THEY DRIED DISHES FROM PAN, NOT RACK,
THAT ABSORBENT, HANDY FLOUR SACK!

WE POLISHED AND CLEANED STOVE AND TABLE,
SCOURED AND SCRUBBED FROM CELLAR TO GABLE,
WE DUSTED THE BUREAU AND OAK BED POST,
MADE COSTUMES FOR OCTOBER (A SCARY GHOST),
AND A PARACHUTE FOR A CAT NAMED JACK
FROM THAT LOWLY, USEFUL OLD FLOUR SACK!

SO NOW MY FRIENDS, WHEN THEY ASK YOU
AS CURIOUS YOUNGSTERS OFTEN DO,
"BEFORE PLASTIC WRAP, ELMERS GLUE
AND PAPER TOWELS, WHAT DID YOU DO?"
TELL THEM LOUDLY, AND WITH PRIDE DON'T LACK,
"GRANDMOTHER HAD THAT WONDERFUL FLOUR SACK!"



Dawn is coming,
Open your eyes...

Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #4213 on: June 17, 2010, 12:39:23 am »

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Offline Mandy21

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #4214 on: June 18, 2010, 07:37:08 am »

Let me tell you, Jesse hated this job.  And you would too, I imagine, if
you had to do it.  Jesse was a chicken plucker.  That's right.

He stood on a line in a chicken factory
and spent his days pulling the feathers off dead chickens
so the rest of us wouldn't have to.

It wasn't much of a job.

But at the time, Jesse didn't think he was much of a person.

His father was a brute of a man.

His dad was actually thought to be mentally ill
and treated Jesse rough all of his life.

Jesse's older brother wasn't much better.
He was always picking on Jesse and beating him up.

Yes, Jesse grew up in a very rough home in West Virginia.

Life was anything but easy.

And he thought life didn't hold much hope for him.

That's why he was standing in this chicken line, doing a job that darn few people wanted.

In addition to all the rough treatment at home,
it seems that Jesse was always sick.

Sometimes it was real physical illness, but way too often it was all in
his head.  He was a small child, skinny and meek.

That sure didn't help the situation any.

When he started to school,
he was the object of every bully on the playground.

He was a hypochondriac of the first order.

For Jesse, tomorrow was not always something to be looked forward to.

But, he had dreams.

He wanted to be a ventriloquist.
He found books on ventriloquism.
He practiced with sock puppets and saved his hard earned dollars
until he could get a real ventriloquist dummy.

When he got old enough, he joined the military.
And even though many of his hypochondriac symptoms persisted,
the military did recognize his talents
and put him in the entertainment corp.


That was when his world changed.


He gained confidence.
He found that he had a talent for making people laugh,
and laugh so hard
they often had tears in their eyes.

 
Yes, little Jesse had found himself.


You know, folks, the history books are full of people who overcame a
handicap to go on and make a success of themselves,
but Jesse is one of the few I know of who didn't overcome it.

Instead he used his paranoia to make a million dollars, and become one of
the best-loved characters of all time in doing it!

 
Yes, that little paranoid hypochondriac,
who transferred his nervousness into a successful career,
still holds the record for the most Emmy's given
in a single category.

 
The wonderful, gifted, talented, and nervous comedian who brought us

Barney Fife

was

Jesse Don Knotts.

Dawn is coming,
Open your eyes...

Offline Mandy21

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #4215 on: June 18, 2010, 10:51:32 am »
Does this remind anyone of Alma???

~~~

A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.  We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day weekend?  And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic?   We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.  Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish.

He says, "Yes! Lots of walleyes, some bass, and a few pike."

He said, "But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"


(You'll love the answer.)













The wife replies, “I did.


They're in your tackle box.”



Never, never, never try to outsmart a woman!
Dawn is coming,
Open your eyes...

Offline Penthesilea

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #4216 on: June 18, 2010, 11:20:33 am »
Does this remind anyone of Alma???

~~~



How could it not remind us of Alma?


And now can you guess who this part of the above reminds me of (sans the chicken)?

Quote
Let me tell you, Jesse hated this job.  And you would too, I imagine, if
you had to do it.  Jesse was a chicken plucker.  That's right.

He stood on a line in a chicken factory
and spent his days pulling the feathers off dead chickens
so the rest of us wouldn't have to.

It wasn't much of a job.

But at the time, Jesse didn't think he was much of a person.

His father was a brute of a man.

His dad was actually thought to be mentally ill
and treated Jesse rough all of his life.

Jesse's older brother wasn't much better.
He was always picking on Jesse and beating him up.

Yes, Jesse grew up in a very rough home in West Virginia.

Life was anything but easy.

And he thought life didn't hold much hope for him.


Offline Mandy21

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #4217 on: June 18, 2010, 05:04:48 pm »
Very perceptive, Chrissie!  I was wondering if anybody would pick up on the irony and subtext of both of those jokes I got from a 80-year-old friend of mine who's never even heard of "Brokeback Mountain" yesterday, and couldn't resist passing them on together to Kerry's site.
Dawn is coming,
Open your eyes...

Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #4218 on: June 19, 2010, 02:16:26 am »

There was a Scottish painter named Hamish MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of the church.

Hamish put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.

So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Hamish was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Hamish clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. 

Hamish was no fool.  He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, God, please forgive me. What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke . . . . .







Can you guess what God said to Hamish?







Bet you can't guess!







Go on, have a guess!







What God said to Hamish was . . . . .







Are you ready for this? 






God said . . . . .








"Repaint!  Repaint! 
And thin no more!"
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Offline Kerry

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Re: Kerry's Komedy Klub
« Reply #4219 on: June 20, 2010, 03:32:55 am »
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