The Twelve Days Of Christmas
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real partridge in a pear tree? How can I ever express my pleasure? Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtledoves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
Always and forever,
Agnes
Darling John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Fondly,
Agnes
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
Forever yours,
Agnes
John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? PLEASE don't send anymore birds; the neighbors are complaining and the squawking is really giving me a headache, so enough with the birds OK? Please stop!
Cordially,
Agnes
O.K. Buster:
What's with you and those freakin’ birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. Just lay off me smart ass.
Agnes
For Fucks Sake:
I have had it! What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? I guess you think you're a wit sending eight maids a milking. Well you're half right. Did you realize that the eight maids would have eight friggin’ COWS, along with them? The whole house and yard smells like a god-damned barnyard. I feel like screaming, but nobody would hear me over this racket. The neighbors have reported me to the health department. Go take a flying leap you stinking idiot.
Agnes
You Rotten Prick:
Now there are nine ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. What kind of two-bit all night strip club did you find them in? They are up all night long drinking, dancing and only god knows what else. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a RIVER OF SHIT!! The Board of Health has subpoenaed me to appear before them and show cause why my house should not be condemned as an environmental health hazard. Thanks a lot you fucking jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE YOUR GUTS FOREVER,
Agnes
Listen Dickhead:
What kind of sick sadist are you? What’s with the 10 lords-a-leaping?? And leaping is definitely what they're doing...all over the maids and ladies. Some of those broads will NEVER walk again. I am up to my ass in bird and cow shit, and do you have any idea how much these deadbeat "lords" eat? I'll have to file for bankruptcy, thanks to you, you rotten bastard. I despise the ground you walk on, and if I ever see you again, you're one dead sonofabitch!!
YOUR SWORN ENEMY,
Agnes
Hey Shithead:
YOU'RE A DEAD MAN NOW!!!!! Well this is it. Now there are eleven pipers playing. And shit, do they play! They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. Those horny pipers ran through all the maids and have been committing sodomy on the poor cows. All 23 birds are dead, trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, lousy, moth-eaten, pig-porkin’ moron. You are a vicious swine.... What am I going to do? .
YOU'LL GET YOURS!
Agnes
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. She was found beating her head against a wall in her home to the beat of the twelve drums. The destruction, of course, was total. All future correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to contact Ms. McHolstein at her new residence, the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the staff have been instructed to take whatever measures are necessary to insure her security, up to and including shooting you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a copy of the restraining order issued against you.
Cordially,
Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
Topic: Kerry's Komedy Klub (Read 1621670 times)