Kerry's Komedy Klub

[Mandy21]

A student called his mom from college and asked her for some money.  His mother said, "Sure, sweetie.  I'll send you some money.  You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago.  Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uh, oh yeah, okay," he said.

So his mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package and sent them at the post office.  When she got back, her husband asked, "How much did you give him this time?"

"I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000."

"Are you crazy?" he asked.

"Don't worry," she said.  "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!"

[Mandy21]

A wilderness area received these actual comment cards from hikers:

- Trail needs to be reconstructed.  Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

- Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs.  Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

- Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

- I brought lots of sandwich makings, but forgot bread.  If you have extra bread, leave it in the yellow tent at V Lake.

- A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles.  Is there a way I can get reimbursed?

[Mandy21]

Tom walks into a post office one day to see a man standing at the counter placing "Love" stamps on envelopes with hearts all over them.

Tom walks up to the man and asks him what he is doing.  The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" Tom asks.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[Mandy21]

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students.  He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.  The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back.  The student got back his test and $64 change.

[Mandy21]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.  He is so proud that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party.  The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.  He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six'?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[Mandy21]

Joe took his boss Phil to play 9 holes of golf on their lunch break.  Both men were playing well, but they were often held up by two women in front of them.  Joe offered to talk to the women to see if they could speed up a bit.  He gets about half of the way there, stops, and jogs back quickly.

When Phil asked what the problem was, Joe said, "Well one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress."

Phil just shook his head and walked toward the women himself.  Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked, "What's wrong?"

Phil said, "It's a small, small world, Joe, and you're fired."

[Mandy21]

So you think you're ready for children?  Try these:

- Dressing Test:  Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus.  Stuff into a small net bag making sure all arms stay inside.

- Feeding Test:  Obtain a large plastic milk jug.  Fill halfway with water.  Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.  Start the jug swinging.  Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane.

- Night Test:  Obtain a cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 lbs of sand.  Soak it thoroughly in water.  At 8 pm, lay your bag down and set your alarm for 10 pm.  At 10 pm, get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard until 4 am.  Set alarm for 5 am.  Keep this up for 5 years.  Look cheerful.

[Mandy21]

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding.

"I can explain," the man said.

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer.  "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

The officer cut short all of the man's attempts to explain.  Later the officer looked in on the man and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.  He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," said the man.  "I'm the groom."

[Mandy21]

Marriage Humor

- The most effective way to remember your spouse's birthday is to forget it once.

- The last fight was my fault.  My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"  I said, "Dust!"

- Do you know the punishment for bigamy?  2 mothers-in-law.

- If you want your spouse to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

- How do some men define marriage?  An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"  And his father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[Mandy21]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing.  I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.

The son calls his sister who goes nuts when she hears the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce!  Bob and I will be there tomorrow.  Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked!  The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"