Okay, I'll bite. I used to have a fair amount of strife in my everyday life, and then 2 things happened.
(1) I attended a workshop on how to be a better communicator.
(2) My husband and I attended a weekend relationship workshop that (and I do not exaggerate) saved our marriage.
Some of the groundrules of the workshop were that you can never lash out in anger or criticize. If you have a gripe, you have to ask your significant other to clear time for you (within 24 hours), and then there is a very specific kind of dialogue that is allowed. It gets past the anger into the hurt beneath and brings out the empathy of your other rather than defensiveness. It really works when you stick to it. And amazingly there turn out to be not that many things worth going through this process for, so most of the time you just get along. The only time we argue these days is when we forget what we have learned.
The workshop was based on the teachings of Harville Hendrix, and our workshop was conducted by someone named Rick Brown. His web site is www.rickbrown.org (http://www.rickbrown.org). He is pretty well known. Check it out.
But back to your question, my natural state is to be quick to anger and to take things personally. It has taken a lot of work to get past that. And sometimes I regress, especially when something seems unfair or unjust.
I worked in customer service as a loans officer for a credit union for 10 years and we did several courses on how to handle customers.
One of the main things we learned was to stay calm and supportive if a customer was angry.
At times it was very difficult, but once the other person realized that it was a one sided yelling match, they soon settled down, and became reasonable, sometimes even feeling a bit foolish for their outburst.
In my normal life, I find that I am more angry and outspoken if I am defending members of my family or my friends, more than if I am defending myself. Sometimes I just show a subtle type of anger....a look, or a few heavy words then walk away.I think I use the "make THEM feel guilty" approach.
Of course there are times where I can swear worse than a sailor, and reach decibles that would crack a window, but as I've got older, these are fewer and far between now.
Hey Forsythia,
can we move this thread to Bettermost People forum?
Mel
(mod of Bettermost People)
Remember when jack tore right into L.D. newsome?
Remember when cassie gave ennis a piece of her mind?
Or alma confronting ennis about his 'fishing trips'?
are you one for telling people off when you've had enough?
are you confrontational or does it take a long time to reach your limit before you explode?
do you let things just pass, or are you one of the first people to say something?
got any good stories of a time when you told someone 'where to go'?
Re the grocery store Cellar, I,m the same. I can,t STAND useless parents who let their brat kids run around the store, bash into your trolley and then have the damn cheek to blame you!! ffs if they controlled their little brats properly it wouldn,t happen would it. grrrrrrr. >:( >:( >:(
lmao!
Well, my issue at the grocery store wasn't with a woman and her child. It was with an older woman, and I'll tell the story, but you can't hold it against me.
It was a rather mean comment to make.
Well, I was on line for the customer service desk. I was looking for a particular item, and needed to know where it was. So this little old woman starts to walk to me....and she's got this crabby look on her face. She walks over, and proceeds to step in front of me (and the people behind me).
Now, I am not one of those people who treasures their space in line. If she was in a hurry, or was not feeling well, or whatever, I would have gladly let her step in front of me, if she had the manners to ask. She didn't even address me, she just stepped in front of me.
So I looked at her, and said "Excuse me, but the end of the line is back there." and pointed to the other end of the line.
She turned to me (still looking crabby) and said, "I can do whatever I want, I'm old. I'm going before you."
:o
I thought to myself "Oh honey, you picked the wrong person to fuck with." and I promptly stepped in front of her, turned to her, and said, "The only thing you are going to do before me, is die."
I can't quite describe the look on her face.......
lmao!
Well, my issue at the grocery store wasn't with a woman and her child. It was with an older woman, and I'll tell the story, but you can't hold it against me.
It was a rather mean comment to make.
Well, I was on line for the customer service desk. I was looking for a particular item, and needed to know where it was. So this little old woman starts to walk to me....and she's got this crabby look on her face. She walks over, and proceeds to step in front of me (and the people behind me).
Now, I am not one of those people who treasures their space in line. If she was in a hurry, or was not feeling well, or whatever, I would have gladly let her step in front of me, if she had the manners to ask. She didn't even address me, she just stepped in front of me.
So I looked at her, and said "Excuse me, but the end of the line is back there." and pointed to the other end of the line.
She turned to me (still looking crabby) and said, "I can do whatever I want, I'm old. I'm going before you."
:o
I thought to myself "Oh honey, you picked the wrong person to fuck with." and I promptly stepped in front of her, turned to her, and said, "The only thing you are going to do before me, is die."
I can't quite describe the look on her face.......
I just wonder as to WHY Alma waited so long to tell Jack off and not before that Thanskgiving scene!! Can someone reply to that?
Au revoir,
hugs!
She knew what kind of reaction she was going to get if she ever confronted Ennis, so she was unlikely to do it when she was still married to him..............
Here she had the chance, probably the first time since the divorce to be one on one with Ennis, but still with the protection of Monroe, and also the fact that she was pregnant, she probably thought she was safe from any physical abuse from him.
She knew what kind of reaction she was going to get if she ever confronted Ennis, so she was unlikely to do it when she was still married to him....
((at that Thanskgiving with her 2nd husband there))... (she felt) safe from any physical abuse from him (Ennis).
I thought to myself "Oh honey, you picked the wrong person to fuck with." and I promptly stepped in front of her, turned to her, and said, "The only thing you are going to do before me, is die."
I can't quite describe the look on her face.......
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I handle aggression and confrontation by not saying much - but I get my point across.
That's great, Kerry. You showed a lot of class.
Were you ever in the guy's presence again? If so, did he have better manners?
I refused to go to any further family functions where he was present, Shasta, and now he's deceased. I never saw him again. I hope he's found peace.
I can't abide aggression or confrontation of any kind and will do anything to avoid it.
However, having said that, I will stand up for myself and defend myself if slighted. But I do it in an understated way and with courtesy, where possible.
To give you an example, many years ago, when I was in my late twenties, I had a similar experience to the Thanksgiving confrontation between Jack and L.D.Newsome.
It was Christmas lunch at the home of one of my brothers. Present were my mother, my aunt (mother's sister), my brother's wife, my niece and two nephews (brother's children), my brother's wife's parents, my brother and myself. Ten of us in all.
It was the first Christmas following my father's death the previous May. My Dad knew I was gay and was always very sweet with me about it. My brother's father-in-law, however, was a crass, boorish homophobe of the highest order. He had been making snide, underhand, homophobic remarks ever since Mum and I arrived. At some point about half-way through the meal, he made one remark too many and I snapped.
In front of all those people, I very quietly put my knife and fork down, got up from the table, went over to Mum and gave her a farewell kiss on the cheek, asked my brother to drive Mum home and simply left the room.
Mum was crying. My brother's mouth was hanging open. My brother's father-in-law's face had turned purple with rage because I had dared to turn my back on him and, in so doing, had withdrawn his sport from him.
When I got to my car, I heard footsteps behind me and it was my brother, begging me to return. He was not angry, just concerned. I declined his offer, bade him farewell (pleasantly) and drove away.
Fact is, that hideous man would never have said the things he did to me if my father had been present. He wouldn't have had the courage to do so. He would have known my Dad would have knocked his lights out.
My brother is 10 years older than me and I was in his home. He sat there silently while his father-in-law made his snide remarks at my expense, in front of our recently widowed mother. I'm his little brother. He should have told his father-in-law to mind his manners in his home. But he didn't.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I handle aggression and confrontation by not saying much - but I get my point across.
Like most everyone, I do experience all the emotions that should normally prompt one to tell someone off. Alas, when I've done so in the past, however, I find that rather than being left with a feeling of righteous self-satisfaction, I instead end up feeling enormous self-loathing, for allowing myself to be lowered to their level.
What works for me is to retreat from the field of battle. I find that if you don't take their bait, they soon tire of you and move on to another victim. I refuse to engage them in battle.
That, and externalising my frustrations and anger in a creative way. I've always kept a journal and find it very therapeutic to give someone a piece of my mind in my journal, rather than telling them off to their face. Since the advent of the internet an blogging, however, I now do a lot of my therapeutic externalising in posts here at BetterMost. For example, I found that my last post, where I described my brother's hateful father-in-law, to be particularly cathartic for me. And even more so since receiving your kind feedback. Thank you, everyone, for the sweet things you said. It means a lot to me.
Another way, I externalise and dissipate my anger is by poking fun at things that hurt me, and laughing at them. I do this by drawing cartoons. For example:(http://s119.photobucket.com/albums/o126/kez4oz/Album%201/0103.jpg)
Like most everyone, I do experience all the emotions that should normally prompt one to tell someone off. Alas, when I've done so in the past, however, I find that rather than being left with a feeling of righteous self-satisfaction, I instead end up feeling enormous self-loathing, for allowing myself to be lowered to their level.
What works for me is to retreat from the field of battle. I find that if you don't take their bait, they soon tire of you and move on to another victim. I refuse to engage them in battle.
That, and externalising my frustrations and anger in a creative way. I've always kept a journal and find it very therapeutic to give someone a piece of my mind in my journal, rather than telling them off to their face. Since the advent of the internet and blogging, however, I now do a lot of my therapeutic externalising in posts here at BetterMost. For example, I found that my last post, where I described my brother's hateful father-in-law, to be particularly cathartic for me. And even more so since receiving your kind feedback. Thank you, everyone, for the sweet things you said. It means a lot to me.
Another way, I externalise and dissipate my anger is by poking fun at things that hurt me, and laughing at them. I do this by drawing cartoons. For example:
I do this in real life with my family. I can't win because I won't say things I can't take back so I run...THEY dont' seem to have any trouble saying horrible things :-\
{{{Jess}}} I can certainly empathise with you there. There were only ever two people in my family who I really cared for and loved, and they were my darling parents (both deceased). I'm their youngest, the child of their old age. They loved me unconditionally, as I loved them. And that was enough for me.
Forsythia, I am a lot like you. I find I am easily hurt by teasing, especially if the person doing the teasing is someone who loves me and knows my weaknesses. This feared vulnerability makes it hard for me to open up to people. My anger can be extreme but also burns itself out very quickly and I often regret it if I let it out too strongly before it starts to subside. Like you, I am more verbal with strangers who are being unfair or unkind (they can't hurt me emotionally), but I have learned to hold some of that back as well because people are crazy in today's world and I have developed a healthy fear of random acts of violence.I am a mix of 2 people.No surprises there.With strangers,particularly on the phone I can be incredibly rude if the situation warrants it. So much so my husband makes me do all the complaint phone calls.When I had my practice back in England I used to have to put up with exceptionally rude patients.I used to blow on a regular basis.Then one day I realised that I could gain the upper hand far more effectively,by being extraordinarily pleasant,to the rude ones.It takes the wind out of their sales completely.The more nasty they were,the more nauseatingly pleasant/sarcastic I was.