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BetterMost Community Blogs => Our Daily Thoughts - The BetterMost Community Blog Network => I Miss You On Weekends => Topic started by: RebelWithASmile on October 07, 2006, 07:03:23 pm

Title: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 07, 2006, 07:03:23 pm
Hello, my name is Phoenix, and i'm starting this, because the person i usually talk about my day to hates it when i PM him (this is at another site)  ::)

So, i guess i will start where everything starts-love. Love is what drives me, and before i go into todays mess, i'm going to recap on this past week, a very good week.

I hope i'm doing this right

I must introduce you to my obsession, the reason i get up in the morning, Bill. Bill is a good friend of mine, and i'm deeply, madly, uncontrably in love with him. He is everything i want but can't have

well this was a very good week for both of us, because we literally became closer as friends, closer as humans. It all started Monday Morning (Duh) when he leant me The Crow, a graphic novel in which the 1993 movie is based off of. I read it in a day, and next he had a book from the Sin City series of graphic novels (the 2005 movie is based off of 3 of the novels)

Theres a short story contest, and me and Bill are both entered in it, he said i could read his SS when he's done  :) that means a lot. He also said i could read his poetry! Its a dream come true, and at lunch we get to talk, talk all period....thats my brokeback mountain

We joke, and mutually, secretly support each other. Everyday we found ourselves walking away from our other friends, getting ingrossed into a good talk with one another.

About Wednesday was when the first bomb was dropped. He shook my hand when we seperated to go to our buses...i've seen him do this before with others (friends he has known since like 1st grade) i think he is starting to trust me, and it feels so good to know this. I hope he notices that i have opened up a lot this last week. He once said i need to show more emotion, and it struck me, i do show A LOT of emotion, but some people can't see it. He can most days, he always asks if i'm sad, or infuriated. Once i said "Nah, i just woke up on the wrong side of the floor"  :laugh:  I sleep on the floor, don't think i have a bed. Bill is all i think about. Bill and writing-my two most favorite things in the world.

this is a long one, and others wont be this long

10/7

Not much today

I saw the worst movie ever made, SICK. Its a horror movie supposedly about a killer clown. Stupid.


I watch for the second time, A Home at the End of the World, good movie, i didn't realize how homoerotic it was...

damn Movie Gallery didn't have anymore copies of X-men III:The Last Stand.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: wulfar360 on October 07, 2006, 07:11:25 pm
hi Phoenix

there is no right or wrong way to do this the main rule is to do it YOUR way


as for  being in love with your friend? believe me iknow how much this can hurt. i  fell  for several of my best friends they are  the forbidden fruit i guess.  it sucks  but "if you cant fix it you gotta stand it"

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on October 07, 2006, 09:16:13 pm
Hi Phoenix!

Welcome to Bettermost and to Our Daily Thoughts!
We are neighbours on this forum ... don't be shy to drop by my lil corner as well if you feel like it!


How long have you and Bill been friends?  Does he have any idea how you feel about him? :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on October 07, 2006, 09:18:50 pm
Hi, Phoenix...welcome to Bettermost...

tell us about yourself...Love your first post. you are still in school? what grade are you in?

This site does not have an age limit so no worries there...
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 07, 2006, 10:14:34 pm
I'm in 10th grade, and me and Bill have been friends since about this time last year when i moved into this school district. I met him the first day of school, we had the same math class together, he came in late, and he had a black whife beater on ::) i didn't love him then, as i was kinda afraid of him. He told us all he liked to fight, but oddly the first thing he said to me directly was "Hey, nice shoes man." Naturally i had to thank him.

Since i had no friends, i had to scalvage for a seat at lunch. And one day i found him alone sitting at a table, that i had been eyeing to sit at (since, at the time of my eyeing, it was empty) well, i asked if i could sit with him, and he said yes....

We grew in friendship VERY slowly. I think he didn't quite trust/understand me as much as he did others. I've seen him one arm hug friends, but when i talked to him, we never did that..

Why/When i knew i had to love him? It was about March of this year! I had a dream...this is going to sound odd, but i had a dream and i was standing next to him in it, and out of nowhere he turned around and kissed me. Since then i have been obsessed with him, and he's been in so many of my dreams that i fear i will die of overdose   ;)

I once had a dream that a tornado struck our town (though Bill lives in a seperate county) and i went to rescue him. He died.

We only started to grow in relationship this school year. Actually, this passed month. Its wonderful, because everyday i could write about some event that showed that we were becoming closer friends. First it was his handshake during the lunch line then

Him asking for me to sit next to him to talk.
Then him telling me he liked to talk to me
He says i have 'big balls' for standing up for him when some guy starts talking about his sister
He told me we had some things in common (more or less)
We pulled apart from other friends to have our own conversation
He lends me a couple of books he obviously treasures (a couple being the Sin City books, and Sin City is his favorite movie ever, so i can only think he loves the books as well)
We shake hands before parting to our buses
He tells me I can read his Short Story when he's done
He tells me I can read the poetry he writes
He tells me about his childhood, and how people misunderstand...


I was talking to a friend of mine, and she said that people only hang around Bill to make fun of him :'( that really got me pissed, and nearly at tears...she said everything about him was weird and that he talked funny (he doesn't)

He looks like a darker (in hair and eyes, and mood)/paler (in complexion, and youth) version of Heath Ledger. I kid you not.
god, sorry for rambling again!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: wulfar360 on October 07, 2006, 10:30:24 pm
sok ramble   all you want  this is the best place for it

just do becarefull and try not to get hurt


kids are cruel at times ive had several  tramatic school instances and i know that several of my generation thought i was weird  ive come to terms with it finally and talk to  some  of my class that i didnt in school
 
as for him being "weird" we are all weird in our own way we all  have little things we do that others might not understand

from what you said he sounds like a decent enuff  person   be there  for him  and no matter what others might say keep the friendship
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 07, 2006, 11:05:45 pm
sok ramble   all you want  this is the best place for it

just do be carefull and try not to get hurt


kids are cruel at times ive had several  tramatic school instances and i know that several of my generation thought i was weird  ive come to terms with it finally and talk to  some  of my class that i didnt in school
 
as for him being "weird" we are all weird in our own way we all  have little things we do that others might not understand

from what you said he sounds like a decent enuff  person   be there  for him  and no matter what others might say keep the friendship

I will definitly keep the friendship. I plan on getting closer to him, whether we end up a couple or not, i want to know the man behind the beast that has me by the mind, unwillingly twisiting it till i can only think of him and what he has given me. Happiness.

I have problems with depression, but when i talk to him, i feel happy. He's my little drug  ;)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: wulfar360 on October 07, 2006, 11:08:52 pm
thats awsome iw ish i could had help for my depression in school but  i was to ashamed to  tell anyone


but i have found my little drug to make me happy and im content  i hope it works out for you rebel
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 07, 2006, 11:35:13 pm
thats awsome iw ish i could had help for my depression in school but  i was to ashamed to  tell anyone


but i have found my little drug to make me happy and im content  i hope it works out for you rebel

thanks and ditto! We all have problems, and i hope you do well with them. LOL
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on October 08, 2006, 01:09:40 am
This is your blog and you can definitely ramble as much as you wish!  :)

You obviously treasure your friendship with this lad.  All the best in developing that relationship, whether you end up a couple or not, as you say.     
I am sure that there are some people on here who will read your story and be able to offer their 2cents simply because they have been there ..
What I can say to you is: remember to take it one day at a time ..  get to know him better and just enjoy his company and friendship ..  then see where that takes you both ..   :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 08, 2006, 02:57:40 pm
This is your blog and you can definitely ramble as much as you wish!  :)

You obviously treasure your friendship with this lad.  All the best in developing that relationship, whether you end up a couple or not, as you say.     
I am sure that there are some people on here who will read your story and be able to offer their 2cents simply because they have been there ..
What I can say to you is: remember to take it one day at a time ..  get to know him better and just enjoy his company and friendship ..  then see where that takes you both ..   :)

I have been taking it pretty slow, but i'm kind of like a kid in a candy shop, wanting more more more!

But theres never enough time.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: wulfar360 on October 08, 2006, 06:41:38 pm
never nuff time, never nuff  jack fking twist brokeback !
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 08, 2006, 07:11:27 pm
never nuff time, never nuff  jack fking twist brokeback !

precisly. But idk if i'm Ennis or Jack. I'm a good mix of both.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: wulfar360 on October 08, 2006, 07:21:42 pm
i want to be jack  i think im a little more like him than i used to be but mostly ennis  :(
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 08, 2006, 08:39:00 pm
I would rather be Ennis. I don't know, I have a fascination with sadness, and longing, mainly because i experience both soooooo much.


10/8

It was my older Brother (lets call him Matt, because thats his name ;) )'s birthday. He's 30, and still a user. I had a good conversation with him. We were talking about the New Batman movie that is coming out in 2008, and how Heath Ledger is playing the Joker. I told Matt (without being too obvious) that Heath is good, and that he played in Brokeback Mountain

He responded "Was he one of the f*gs?"

I retorted yes, and he said he wont watch BBM, and i unfortunately, weakingly said 'i don't blame you' I had to keep face, but it didn't feel right. I said that Heath's performance in it is really amazing, and he'll like Heath after seeing it. But i was talking to a wood door.

We took A HOME AT THE END OF THE WORLD back to the rent place, and finally got X-men III:The last Stand. I saw it in theaters, though.

Today was just another boring day without Bill, nothing much happened.

I'm currently listening to Surrender by Evanescence.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 09, 2006, 08:06:19 pm
10/9 Columbus Day

I had school, unfortunately


Last night i had made a CD for a friend (a girl) but she wasn't at school today so i gave it to BILL! (my crush) He wanted it, so i was pleased.

I was really scared, because in between some classes i usually get to see him, but i didn't today. I thought he had went home sick, so i panicked.

At lunch, he told me to sit next to him again! I gave him lunch money as usual, and i asked him to gaurd my food. We talked A LOT today. he even read a part from this book that he thought i would like to hear. I've never heard him read before  ::) it was sweet.

He went to help some kids carry in some heavy band equipment. I just watched in Awe....

As usual, when a man in uniform walks by, Bill salutes him, as he is really respectful, and he longs to join the military.

I think he's gay

I was shaking madly when i asked him if he wanted the CD (its a Evanescence CD, their new one entitled 'The Open Door') i'm glad he said yes.

He consoled me when i told him i might break up with my girl friend. He understands that well....

After school, when i gave the CD to him, we were walking to our buses together, and he would normally spew out something quickly, then gallop ahead, and run to his bus...today he walked with me the whole way :'(  and i remembered saying 'seeya' because i'm used to him leaving so early, and he retorted 'i'm not going nowhere' and i almost cried. I'm very happy at the moment. I gave him a poem, as we like that stuff. This is the poem...

                                                     Twisted Symphony

                                                         My god, do you watch the fire dancing
                                                         Or soothe the invalid women panting?
                                                        Why art thou weak?
                                                        And yet this is my Twisted Symphony

                                                        A clock strikes twelve
                                                        and someone dies
                                                        they all die
                                                        And yet this is my twisted lullabye
                                                               
                                                        I want to make you sleep
                                                        rest within the clutches of an angel
                                                        I am no angel
                                                        I am my own catalyst
                                                        No one else has seen through these eyes
                                                        while I chant my twisted lullabye
                                                               
                                                       The rancid smell of change
                                                       disgusts me
                                                       No, there will be no harmony
                                                       only my twisted symphony

tell me what you think?

I was called a F*G on the net for no reasons. Oh well
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: wulfar360 on October 10, 2006, 12:52:51 am
who called you  that?  the internet is full of hate because  people can say stuff they normally woudnlt have the balls to 


its cool you and bill are hitting it  off  thats awsome really


i usually  salute a  man in uniform to but  they cant see it ! gah that sounded bad?
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 10, 2006, 05:24:30 pm
who called you  that?  the internet is full of hate because  people can say stuff they normally woudnlt have the balls to 


its cool you and bill are hitting it  off  thats awsome really


i usually  salute a  man in uniform to but  they cant see it ! gah that sounded bad?

A guy on youtube.com commented on one of my brokeback music videos, and he said it was disgusting that they kissed so agressively. He asked why they did, and i PMEd telling him thanks for commenting on my video, and i told him why Ennis/Jack kissed so deadly. Well, he responded back "fuck you fag" and he misspelled 'fuck.' LMAO! I PMed him back and said 'anytime, but you wont be around to see it as i'm getting you banned. Learn how to spell.' hehe.

At a wrestling site, a guy i got into a very nasty fight with a while back PMed me out of nowhere and attacked me. He was same old, same old....

10/10 Early release day.

Bill told me he thinks i will be the next Edgar Allen Poe. LOL, but it was nice to say. In the morn he gave me a poem of his own, which was really good. Better than 'twisted symphony.' I told him he should be proud of it, and i forced him to take it back from me (he was going to let me have it)

It was a quick day, too quick. I didn't have enough time to talk to him that much.

Bill, next semester, wont have lunch with me......


I asked all our friends, and the way he lifted his hand slowly, melancholically to feed my inquiry. I looked away and i almost cried. I was very lachyrmose. I was shaking in my next class, and i don't know why god always does this shit to me. Sorry for the language, but its not right, it ALWAYS happens to me. And then i'll be alone.
He's the only one i can talk to about....... well, me.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on October 10, 2006, 10:36:31 pm
Man, you should keep his poems, hell, that was a nice jesture.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 10, 2006, 10:48:26 pm
Man, you should keep his poems, hell, that was a nice jesture.

I was going to, and i hope i didn't seem rude giving it back. It was good, too good to not be shown by its author IMO.

I was going to keep it for later nostalgia i know i'll be having.

i wrote another poem, this one is...interesting

Bittersweet

I’m useless
A soul is not to hurt this much
I give up, I let you win
You are spineless
Purging a tortured being
Like myself
I’m crying
I’ve wasted enough on the moment

I waste some, you do too
Its something we both need to get through
I see the light, it doesn’t exist
I see your pain, it’s my bliss
But it doesn’t exist
Its wasted emotions

I’m crestfallen
Tears fallen
Love is hate
Mouth agate
Love is steel
Cold to peel
Rapid lashes
Leave thy ashes
I am lost
And yet found
While I’m near the ground
Hate me not this day
For I am your lies
Hear my cries
Burn yourself
You forsaken pagan
For only a forest will grow
Once it falls
Hear my calls
I love you not
My blood clot
Killing me deadly

Why must you hurt me so?
For I am bittersweet     


 ::)

Bill is my Brokeback Mountain and inspiration
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on October 11, 2006, 02:11:24 am
Phoenix ~

Your poem Bittersweet is beautiful.
I love poetry myself and BBM has brought me back to writing poems after quite a while.

And, the next time your friend gives you a poem, take it and treasure it!  :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 11, 2006, 08:51:29 pm
Phoenix ~

Your poem Bittersweet is beautiful.
I love poetry myself and BBM has brought me back to writing poems after quite a while.

And, the next time your friend gives you a poem, take it and treasure it!  :)

Thanks alot, and i will treasure his next one.

10/11 two years ago, Christopher Reeves died :(

Today was okay, hot chocolate for breakfast keeps me alive.

No more Sin City books for me, i guess. Bill got them from the library.

I told him he looks like a elf, but not in a offensive way.

I'm breaking up with my Gf because of him (he said i should after i told him i was thinking about it)

Today was nice, except that he has a detention tomorrow, so no talking at lunch...

i'll go crazy

At home i watched GIANT, James Dean's last movie ever.

It was well acted, ecspecially by Dean (his character was so sad, i almost cried) but they didn't show him enough. He should of been shown more, IMO.

And they left him without anything to think on. His character suffered too much, and he was depraved of Elizabeth Taylor, and it was just too sad

going off to work on my short story

thank you all
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Daniel on October 11, 2006, 09:07:23 pm
I also enjoyed your poem Bittersweet.

It reminds me very much of my own poem. Mystic Madness In The Night which is also the title of the poetry compilation I'll soon be self-publishing.
I'm not sure if its at all proper protocol to respond to a poem with a poem, but I've been doing it on Milli's thread for some time, and she hasn't complained yet.... Still have my fingers crossed on that one. :)


          The flame within me
                               burns in bright gold.
       It's tongues of fire
                              lap my soul
                 Incinerating thought
                     and memory,
           Leaving only the aching experience
                                                  which I call me.
                   The heart within
                      aches and burns
          Focusing upon some inner aspect
                               it twists and turns.
          The line of faith
                    The way of love
          The flame burns and shows light
                     Hope springs above
           What lantern lights my path,
                             casting gentle shadows?
My heart is not my own
                   but sacrificed in column-rows
           and there diced and decimated.
                       I pick up the pieces -
                  one at a time.
                     I put it back together.
            Agony erupts within
                   Time flows silent
             Words swim effortless
                    Images come unbeckoned.
There is nothing to stop them.
             Heart left alone -
               Too often not at home.
         One doorway leads to another.
                  Icy breath smothers.
There is nothing to stop me.
           Dreams become reality.
                    Focus lost within.
           Will fades to dimmest gray.
               Still I suffer.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 11, 2006, 11:09:02 pm
I also enjoyed your poem Bittersweet.

It reminds me very much of my own poem. Mystic Madness In The Night which is also the title of the poetry compilation I'll soon be self-publishing.
I'm not sure if its at all proper protocol to respond to a poem with a poem, but I've been doing it on Milli's thread for some time, and she hasn't complained yet.... Still have my fingers crossed on that one. :)


          The flame within me
                               burns in bright gold.
       It's tongues of fire
                              lap my soul
                 Incinerating thought
                     and memory,
           Leaving only the aching experience
                                                  which I call me.
                   The heart within
                      aches and burns
          Focusing upon some inner aspect
                               it twists and turns.
          The line of faith
                    The way of love
          The flame burns and shows light
                     Hope springs above
           What lantern lights my path,
                             casting gentle shadows?
My heart is not my own
                   but sacrificed in column-rows
           and there diced and decimated.
                       I pick up the pieces -
                  one at a time.
                     I put it back together.
            Agony erupts within
                   Time flows silent
             Words swim effortless
                    Images come unbeckoned.
There is nothing to stop them.
             Heart left alone -
               Too often not at home.
         One doorway leads to another.
                  Icy breath smothers.
There is nothing to stop me.
           Dreams become reality.
                    Focus lost within.
           Will fades to dimmest gray.
               Still I suffer.


it sounds good.  ;)

I will post on someone elses when i have time, but i'm really busy with my short story (which is of course inspired by Brokeback Mountain) its for a school contest, and i so long to win. its due friday ;D
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 13, 2006, 08:24:48 pm
These last two days...there are not words to express how horrible they were and how i felt

10/12

I got my first detention assigned Thursday for not bringing my Literature Book to class. >:( That, IMO, is a very stupid reason to ruin someones pride and esteem. I have to serve it Monday.

Bill was absent, and well, would of had to serve a detention he got for not putting a book cover on his book anyway.

I got a D on my midterm in Journalism, and i felt stupid. I'm a A/B honor roll student, who is in Honor's English, and i get a D in a easy class? My mom flipped, and of course blamed it on the computer :laugh:
But its a B already, i just had to turn in something i had neglected to. ;D

I stayed up really late finishing my Short Story for the contest. It came out bad IMO, but oh well, i knew i wouldn't win

10/13
even worse. I usually DO NOT have bad luck on friday the 13th, but geez i did today.
First, i'm dead tired from the night before. I hardly get to talk to Bill. He had to make up his detention since he wasn't at school the day he was suppose to serve it. That means i will have to freaking wait till Tuesday to have contact with him....
My Girlfriend told me about a 'rumor' was going around that i was going to break up with her, and she was trying to make me feel bad. It was a very stupid attempt, but i had to tell her something, so i said i hadn't decided yet. I should of denied the charges, but i wasn't thinking straight, because Bill had went home early, and i couldn't talk to him on our long walk to our buses. I have the worst luck in the world.

I have 50 pages for homework
My nephew his here for the weekend  :'( i'm not happy anymore.

One thing thats good, is i might got to the movies Sunday with a friend of mine. We want to see The Grudge 2 :D

peace. And i'm working on a new Poem, that will be about being a loner/outcast aka, me
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 15, 2006, 12:08:04 am
10/14

I've found the best song of 2006

Hurt by Christina Augilera



what a ballad. Her best song ever, AND PUSH ALL OTHER PRE-NOTIONS YOU HAVE AGAINST AUGILERA. This song is really different from her other works, its very sad, i almost cried.

I'm making a brokeback Mountain music video with it! :o

Its that good.

I made a Texas Chainsaw Massacre Music video using the song "I Love the Dead'  :D

it turned out great.

I downloaded something new to help make the pictures I make look better

not a bad day, tomorrow I'm seeing The Grudge 2

I haven't read the last two chapters of Two Crows Joy, and i don't know when i will!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 16, 2006, 06:28:05 pm
Some people, wow, how can they be so rude?

10/15

I saw The Grudge 2 with a friend. It was atroscious. Too repeditve, and stupid. Only like two parts made me jump or even skip a beat. It was freaky, but hardly worth making a movie over. The first one, IMO, is the scariest movie of the passed 10 years. People love to hate both  ::)

10/16

My first detention, figures. It wasn't bad at all, today wasn't bad at all, actually.

Well...i had to do my Journalism homework in class, and i felt bad about the teacher accepting it late, without any consequences for me.

Bill gave me another poem and i'm keeping this one  ;)

its called Insanity, and it goes very smoothly. Thats one gift he has, the gift of smooth.

he told me something that hasn't left my mind all day, and i feel sick thinking about it.......................

After school, i was walking outside to my bus, and Bill came up behind me as usual, and i handed him my poem (see below "Painkiller") anyways, he stops in front of the school, which is unusual, mainly because his bus is all the way at the end of the line. I asked if he was waiting on someone, and he said

"Yes. I get a ride home now, since my bus driver sexually assaulted me.............."

All i could do is stare, and i looked at him and we kept a gaze, something that we rarely do, and i said

"Theres always something." He agreed, and thats it.

I felt ill till i got home from school, everyone was pressuring me to tell them what was wrong. But i told no one, i just told a friend that it was something that Bill had said, which was more than enough.

that kid will never get a break, and him saying that, or rather admiting that to me kind of made/ruined my day. It almost bittersweet, god, i hope he has 7th period lunch next semester.

I'm making a Brokeback Mountain music video.  :D

i'll post it when i'm done

this is my new poem that i gave Bill

Pain Killer

All this time around old companions
But still i sit abandoned
damned by my solitude
never finding the amplitude
that would send me to completion

I've never seen the light
I always plummet before its here
Ever more to remain sober
from its uplifting essence

I'm deprived
in an unsettling way
but still i can yell
in this hell
but i cannot tell
that you are my morphine
you make me,
sympathy
And i can't understand why
I'm suppose to Die



oddly its kind of about him..... THOUGHTS?
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Front-Ranger on October 16, 2006, 06:38:10 pm
Your poem is very interesting because there are quite a few contradictions and contrasts in it, especially in the title which talks about pain killer but it also seems to talk about the source of your pain. It seems to me like you are saying that sympathizing with your friend makes your pain go away, but you "die" or "plummet" before that can happen and so you miss it. Am I right? Excellent poem with lot of visuals. BTW I went to the poetry "slam" last night and that was the first time I ever heard this type of poetry. It was so intense, I started crying tho I didn't know exactly why.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 16, 2006, 06:46:42 pm
Your poem is very interesting because there are quite a few contradictions and contrasts in it, especially in the title which talks about pain killer but it also seems to talk about the source of your pain. It seems to me like you are saying that sympathizing with your friend makes your pain go away, but you "die" or "plummet" before that can happen and so you miss it. Am I right? Excellent poem with lot of visuals. BTW I went to the poetry "slam" last night and that was the first time I ever heard this type of poetry. It was so intense, I started crying tho I didn't know exactly why.

Poetry of this type? lol, i'm not quite sure what you mean... Thanks for reading my poem.

This poem is odd.

It means, i will not find complete happiness or self-content, but YOU (my crush) are my pain killer, he helps the time pass by, and makes the road a tad less bumpy. No, i'm still not quite uplifted, but his friendship is a good distraction from it all.

And when i say 'I'm suppose to die" i mean, that through all this pain and abandonment, one should be dead emotionally or physically, but my pain killer keeps that away.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 16, 2006, 11:06:30 pm


My newest Brokeback Music Video, very, very sad. The song is Hurt by Christina Aguilera

BUT!!!!

even if you don't like pop (like me) you will like this video. The song is so good, i think it has cross over appeal. Please supply feedback ;)

Phoenix
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Bucky on October 17, 2006, 02:39:17 am
Phoenix,

I had a crush/love like you do once only it wasn't in high school but in college.  It started out slowly or gradually and suddenly this one guy became my best friend.  He was everywhere I was or at least that was the way it seemed.  We walked to our classes every day together.  It was his idea not mine but I really liked it after awhile.  We ate lunch together and began to do a lot of things together even playing pool together and bowling.  I know my other friends started to wonder why I was spending so much time with this guy.  In some ways it was a little embarassing but if it made him happy I was glad to do it.

He had a girl friend at the time and I didn't.  He eventually broke  up with her and told me that he did.  I had an idea of why he broke up with her but I would never say anything that might scare him away.  He finally told me that he broke up with his girl friend because he liked someone else.  So I said "who is it you like?"  He said I am looking at him.  I then said a dumb thing but it was alright. I said "you mean me?"  The answer was yes.  This was in February of 1984 and we had a great time that year both in the spring semester and during the summer term.  We still had to be a little careful not to give ourselves away to the whole college but it was great.  In a lot of ways it was just like a boyfriend and girlfriend type of relationship except we were two guys.  It was the most intense love that I ever had with anyone but it didn't last.  He left in the fall term to go to a different college and I was left alone.  It took him three years to contact me again and that was to invite me to his wedding to the same girl that he had quit for me.  I could not bring myself to go to that wedding. 

Maybe it is just me but when you are younger love hurts more than when you get older but maybe I am wrong.  Since I saw Brokeback Mountain I got in contact with him again after twenty two years.  His life is not happy and he wants to divorce his wife but he has a seventeen year old son  who is a senior in high school this year.  The only advice I gave him was to stay with his wife at least until his son got out of high school and then she would probably give him a divorce.  He was seeing some guy that he wanted to leave his wife for but then he wanted to rekindle what we had in college but I told him no.  If I were younger I might have said yes but I am forty three years old  right now and I am not exactly looking for a relationship at the present of any kind but that might change in a few years.  Who knows?   

I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through and the kind of love you have for Bill doesn't happen every day because it has happened to me only once in forty three years.  I think my guy was scared off by homophobia as we were both afraid of how it would work out when we left college.  I only blamed him for bailing out on me without a word but I am even over that part now.  He was twenty when we had our relationship and I was nineteen when it started but I had turned twenty before it ended.  He told me before he left to go home after the summer term that he just couldn't see how what we had could work out after we got out of college.  I don't know if it could have worked either but I was willing to give it a try but he wasn't.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on October 17, 2006, 07:58:46 am
Yeah Pheonix I think about you and Bill, remembering my on feelings for guys when I was your age. You are lucky in that you have a good friendship with him, something I didn't really have.

These are difficult waters, and a lot of time you have to feel your way thru it by trial and error. Hang in there and know you are not alone. Be patient, and it will come together for you when it is supposed to.

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 17, 2006, 05:51:42 pm
Phoenix,

I had a crush/love like you do once only it wasn't in high school but in college.  It started out slowly or gradually and suddenly this one guy became my best friend.  He was everywhere I was or at least that was the way it seemed.  We walked to our classes every day together.  It was his idea not mine but I really liked it after awhile.  We ate lunch together and began to do a lot of things together even playing pool together and bowling.  I know my other friends started to wonder why I was spending so much time with this guy.  In some ways it was a little embarassing but if it made him happy I was glad to do it.

He had a girl friend at the time and I didn't.  He eventually broke  up with her and told me that he did.  I had an idea of why he broke up with her but I would never say anything that might scare him away.  He finally told me that he broke up with his girl friend because he liked someone else.  So I said "who is it you like?"  He said I am looking at him.  I then said a dumb thing but it was alright. I said "you mean me?"  The answer was yes.  This was in February of 1984 and we had a great time that year both in the spring semester and during the summer term.  We still had to be a little careful not to give ourselves away to the whole college but it was great.  In a lot of ways it was just like a boyfriend and girlfriend type of relationship except we were two guys.  It was the most intense love that I ever had with anyone but it didn't last.  He left in the fall term to go to a different college and I was left alone.  It took him three years to contact me again and that was to invite me to his wedding to the same girl that he had quit for me.  I could not bring myself to go to that wedding. 

Maybe it is just me but when you are younger love hurts more than when you get older but maybe I am wrong.  Since I saw Brokeback Mountain I got in contact with him again after twenty two years.  His life is not happy and he wants to divorce his wife but he has a seventeen year old son  who is a senior in high school this year.  The only advice I gave him was to stay with his wife at least until his son got out of high school and then she would probably give him a divorce.  He was seeing some guy that he wanted to leave his wife for but then he wanted to rekindle what we had in college but I told him no.  If I were younger I might have said yes but I am forty three years old  right now and I am not exactly looking for a relationship at the present of any kind but that might change in a few years.  Who knows?  

I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through and the kind of love you have for Bill doesn't happen every day because it has happened to me only once in forty three years.  I think my guy was scared off by homophobia as we were both afraid of how it would work out when we left college.  I only blamed him for bailing out on me without a word but I am even over that part now.  He was twenty when we had our relationship and I was nineteen when it started but I had turned twenty before it ended.  He told me before he left to go home after the summer term that he just couldn't see how what we had could work out after we got out of college.  I don't know if it could have worked either but I was willing to give it a try but he wasn't.

I really hope Bill can like me, but sometimes, IDK. He was just sexually harrassed by his bus driver, how sick, and figures. Not that i long to be sexually active, but i just want Bill.

10/17

Saw Christina Aguilera's Hurt Music video on MTV. It was good.

Bill shook my hand three times today. The second time, i was so embarassed because he put his hand in such a way that i couldn't really shake it, so i just laid my hand in it (like a high five)  ;D  OMG! I got really red, but pushed it off He's giving me another Sin City book. Awesome.

A new poem i wrote, which i gave Bill.....this one is sadistic

REGRET

I see you bleed
I was your weed
the emotional reed
but i needed to feed
Why stop now?

I hold you with care
and pat your hair
I admire your smell
Then i send you to hell
but i can not, will not
let go......

I kill you slow

I hear your plea
It holds the key
what a beautiful symphony
it brings me euphoria

I want to bathe in your sweat
to stink of you
but i don't know what to do
'cause in my raging madness........
I notice

I miss you

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 18, 2006, 06:36:33 pm
10/18

HAHA! I broke up with my girlfriend!!!! YES!!! i'm so happy.


BUT, not without controversy. I wrote her a nice note about it, and i said how i didn't want her to change, i just wanted out. But of course she has to get all rednecked, and she cusses me out for no reason! God, she's so stupid that i pity her. I was ecstatic at lunch, and BILL said he liked me better this way. He was adding to the fire, saying that it was good that I dropped that 'slut, whore bitch.' It was all just fun in games, of course. We shook hands again.......but he doesn't want to see The Texas Chainsaw Massacre with me and another friend. :(

Its all good. I had a good intelligent conversation with some fellow honor students about serial killers, so today wasn't bad at all. Even before i broke up with my girlfriend i was thinking how October 18th had a ring to it that i liked.

Though i hardly liked my GF, i can't but feel a little melancholic. IDK why, its just my way.........

peace
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on October 18, 2006, 11:05:34 pm
Hey Phoenix

I wouldn't say your poem "Regret" is sadistic, it is sad and speaks of longings, desires .. very nice ..  :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on October 19, 2006, 07:41:56 am
Hey Phoenix

I wouldn't say your poem "Regret" is sadistic, it is sad and speaks of longings, desires .. very nice ..  :)

yes it is my favorite so far! Keep going, Phoenix!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 19, 2006, 05:47:25 pm
Yeah, i like Regret a lot. Thanks to you both!

10/19

Not a horrible day. I got ANOTHER note from my ex-GF. She said she had said things she had regretted :laugh: say that four times! She tried to make me feel bad, by blamingme for her problems. Figures....

Another day of literally rolling on cement, and self-hurting  :-\ lol, it was great. I did a back roll, but i fell, and Bill helped me up. He taught me to shadow box which was kind of fun. I wondered if he noticed that i was afraid of hurting him. I had to run to give him the following poem......

this is my favorite

Vine

You smother everything you can
you hurt everyone, that's your plan

The sun is flickering in my eyes,
listening to your god damn alibies
you slowly increase and consume as you go
like a disease, and just as slow

I feel a thorn, i welcome it first
all to feed your bloody thirst
They said you would answer me!
They said you would show sympathy!

But that's all numb
in my throbbing head
you are my headache
on a hard rock bed

you never grow soft, just more craven
bloody raven,
dark as ash
and just as cold........

I see your lava eyes
brighter than the brightest firefly

No matter what they say
you are going to pay
for you are no god of mine
your just a silly vine

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on October 19, 2006, 08:38:20 pm
Hello Phoenix ~  I saw your comment on my blog, lol, so I made this for ya.  Enjoy! ;)


(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i285/Lucise/Fanart/Autres/533358ba.jpg)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 19, 2006, 09:07:47 pm
awesome! I've made this one a couple of days ago.......



(http://img247.imageshack.us/img247/4329/godhasafaceng2.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)

i love it. ;D i'm suprised no one has called in offense to it at the site i use it


then theres this one.............

(http://img139.imageshack.us/img139/8528/depravedsigmg3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)

this one is sad :(

but i love them both and i love the one you made. Thanks alot ;)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on October 23, 2006, 07:51:56 pm
WOW, its been too long!

Happy birthday to Ang Lee, i think he is 52 today :)

he is awesome!

This passed weekend was good. I went to the movies with a GF, and we saw TCM:The beginning. It wasn't bad at all, except they needed more chase scenes in it and less 'capture scenes.'

I am currently listening to Solitude by Evanescence


One bad thing, though.

I got a letter back from a teacher i used to keep in contact with. Well, i actually used to have a HUGE crush on this teacher, and when his letter came after about a year or so, i was soooooo nervous.....


I was crestfallen. The way he ended the letter, i know he never wants to talk to me again. He wasn't mean about it, but his words and the way he ripped my heart out...it was too much, i almost cried. But i must respect his obvious choice of action.  :'(

i really liked him.

but anyway, i got a new Video game........

next topic

today was a nice day. Bill tried to refuse some of my money, saying 'I like you as a friend, not a ATM machine' hehe, thats funny. Well, he bought me a pop with the money i gave him :laugh: we gave a toast to friendship-what a great moment. Friday i had leant him a book on serial killers, and today he leant me another Sin City Graphic novel which was cathartic. ;D

cathartic=liberating


its my favorite word of all time, and Tara, the girl i went to the movies with, cuts herself :o and she asked for a word to 'write' on her arm. I said 'cathartic' because it means 'purging, cleansing,' all that jazz. She has a lot of problems


and i've tried to get her to get help, but its a long story.....

momma is ordering EAST OF EDEN IN THE MAIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P more James Dean, wuff, thank god!
 
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on November 09, 2006, 04:34:09 pm
 ;D

Friend, haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing?
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on November 09, 2006, 04:38:02 pm
Funny, I was gonna post what Shakes just asked last night!  ;)

Phoenix ~ I hope life is good!

~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on November 10, 2006, 04:22:41 pm
my computer has been in the shop. They guy had to erase all the memory from it, so all the pictures and music videos i made are gone.....
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on November 10, 2006, 05:46:38 pm
Shucks!   :-\

On the bright side, now you get the pleasure of making them all over again .. maybe even better than you did before!
Ok..I know that doesn't cut it but  .. computers, eh?
I keep a huge, inflatable yellow hammer by my desk at work .. for assaulting my computer when it misbehaves.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on November 14, 2006, 07:22:05 pm
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

11/14


my crush (Bill is his name) accidently told me he loved me!!!! He meant to say he'll see me later, as we were walking out of the school, but it came out wrong. I could tell because he quickly tried to override it with a 'I'll see ya, Phoenix."


.................

Very interesting moment.

I heard Beyonce is coming out with a new movie about forbidden love and she was quoted on saying 'we already had Brokeback Mountain, and this is going to get the same treatment."


Right

I've always hated Beyonce, and i would love to see her movie and how bad its going to be. :laugh:
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on November 16, 2006, 03:03:12 am
my crush (Bill is his name) accidently told me he loved me!!!! He meant to say he'll see me later, as we were walking out of the school, but it came out wrong. I could tell because he quickly tried to override it with a 'I'll see ya, Phoenix."

.. accidentally told you he loved you?   :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on November 16, 2006, 09:24:16 pm
yes, he accidently said he loved me ;D


thats great.

11/16

I've been sick all day. I didn't sleep much last night, and i had hot chocolate for breakfast. Big mistake, as i soon had a sugar crash during school.

I'm watching a very homoerotic episode of Spongebob, where a very buff Spongebob and Patrick are in underwear and holding hands. :o

I swear to god. They were wrestling, but some how their clothes fell off ::)

beautiful moment in cartoon history.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on November 17, 2006, 12:07:28 pm
So now that he has told you that, are you going to step thru that open door, or....wait for a matin' call? ;D
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on November 17, 2006, 10:23:28 pm
I'm going to wait for a mating call >:(


I almost don't want to, but i have to be careful. It's a scary thought that he might take away any warmth he has given me if he's straight...

11/17

Depressing day. Me, Bill and two other friends were to go to Horror Fest, but family matters came up...

I didn't have school today, because the Middle school got TWO bomb threats!!!!!!!!! I don't get some people....

I've been very unlike myself all day. I have a headache, my throat still hurts, and my music is just making me cry. :'(
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on November 18, 2006, 12:07:25 am
sometimes you need to cry...for no reason at all..it is ok...close your door and let yourself go. tomorrow you will feel better.

you always feel better tomorrow... :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Bucky on November 18, 2006, 07:07:40 pm
RebelwithSadness,

I think you are playing it smart by waiting because if you rush it you could scare Bill off and that is what you don't want to do.  You should just show him what a good friend you are like you have been doing.  Eventually he will come around and at the right time he will tell you that he loves you and then you can tell him that is how you feel.  I remember when I was a 19 year old in college I suspected that a guy liked me a lot(well loved me) but he was worth the wait for me at that time in my life.  I was afraid of scaring him off so I didn't tell him that I loved him too until he was brave enough to just say it to me and mean it.  Then I told him how I felt and we had eight wonderful months together.  It didn't last but that is another story and we did have eight great months that I will always treasure.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on November 19, 2006, 03:38:52 pm
 :'(


People and their sad stories :( Why didn't it work out, Bucky? You have to tell me know :P

I have one right now for you


Friday, the 17th, my nephew was kidnapped by his father, and my sister was wigging out. My mom, who is a 5'3, 47 year old knome says she'll kill my nephews dad, and drive my sister and her son to Canada ::)

thats great. We're getting him back, one way, or another.


http://www.stupidvideos.com/video//animals/the_exorism_of_fluffy/

watch this video, turn up your speakers, this is hilarious!!!!!


Bill gave me a short story of his to read, and i liked it, but so many mistakes, almost like her rushed through it :-\

there's a new song out, The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars, which is a great song!!!!

the lead singer is Jerad Leto, who is an actor. He played Hephaestion in Alexander (2004)
I might be the only person who loves that movie
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on November 19, 2006, 04:59:12 pm
have you ever read Mary Renaults novels about Alexander? I think you would enjoy them

Fire From Heaven
The Persian Boy
Funeral Games
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on November 19, 2006, 07:22:13 pm
I loved Alexander, in fact it might be time to watch it again. How Colin Ferell was able to shoot an entire sceen with out a cigarette is beyond me.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on November 19, 2006, 09:49:30 pm
I loved Alexander, in fact it might be time to watch it again. How Colin Ferell was able to shoot an entire sceen with out a cigarette is beyond me.


hahaha! I love Colin Farrell. He is, IMO, the hottest male actor of all time! I thought he did well in Alexander (once again, i MUST be the only one who thinks so)  ::)


i love Alexander a lot. Its sad :(
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on November 21, 2006, 09:37:42 pm
11/20

Mine and Bill's relationship is becoming more and more like this song... :'(


"Solitude"

How many times have you told me you love her
As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here beside you
I live through you
You looked through me


Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you

How many times have I done this to myself
How long will it take before I see
When will this hole in my heart be mended
Who now is left alone but me

Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true

Everyone leaves me stranded
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind
I can't stay here another night


Your secret admirer
Who could it be

Ooh, Can't you see
All along it was me
How can you be so blind
As to see right through me


And Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you

Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true






and i just got a call from my ex, her mother just died....figures.



Today was a great day till post-school. I was walking with Bill, when he leaned against a locker and gave me one of those looks that says 'please leave, i wanna be with my new girl friend.' I knew he was 'in love' with a girl (friend of my ex's actually) but i had no idea that they were going out. I should be happy for him, but i'm just so pissed and sad.


today turned out to be crappy.

my poor ex, i hope she works things out
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on November 21, 2006, 10:48:34 pm
You should send a card. They'll appreciate it.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on November 22, 2006, 06:47:24 pm
i was thinking about it. I think i will, since i'm not having thanksgiving this year >:(
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on November 27, 2006, 10:49:11 pm
ThanksGiving Weekend........



I didn't have a good day today (27th) my older brother visited, but he did nothing but bring me down. I felt very self-loathing, and i just don't know why. I miss Bill, its been 5 days. He sent me a email and he ended it 'write me back.'  :)

I was so happy that someone wants to listen to me, most of all him. He's lending me a CD.

my favorite pro wrestler retired, and she was made fun of in her last match. A true tragic ending to a goddess.

I've cried a couple of times today, it just hasn't been my night.

my older brother refuses to watch Brokeback, he says he doesn't want to waste his time.

rather sad.

He's always been a little homophobic, but loving, but also very mean :laugh:

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on November 28, 2006, 02:32:46 pm
So I gather you have not come out to your family. I can relate to that, it is a lonely place.

But it will get better.  ;D

Hang in there, you have lost of friends here who will listen to you.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on November 28, 2006, 09:29:18 pm
thanks ;)


whats strange is that when Bill said 'i guess your a pretty nice guy' i had to look away or i was going to cry. I felt the tears coming, but i just shook his hand instead. It was a moment of weakness, i have them a lot. I'm listening to a sad song, why do i do this to myself? :laugh:


I'm coming out to my sister this Sunday, and i'm afraid as hell. She's bisexual.


Not to rant, but Bill's my inspiration. I want people to know how much i'm infatuated with him and that i don't have it as easy as they think. I'm tired of being misunderstood, as i always have been taken the wrong way.


**waits for Bill to Email back!**

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lynne on November 28, 2006, 09:31:58 pm
I'm coming out to my sister this Sunday, and i'm afraid as hell. She's bisexual.

Good luck with Sunday.  I hope all goes well.  Like shakes says, you have lots of friends here pulling for you!
-Lynne
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on November 29, 2006, 11:58:39 am
Yes, good luck, it is not an easy thing but at lease you have a sister who can understand where your coming from.

I have posted somewhere else before, but back in the 90's there was this motivational speaker named Ianyla Vansant (?sp) who said something to the effect: "When you step off into the unknown you have to have faith your foot will land on something solid, or you will learn to fly."

I'll keep you in my thoughts.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Andrew on November 30, 2006, 09:56:31 pm
Phoenix, I hope today was a good day for you.  I feel for all the pain you've been going through lately.  It's just always that way the first time you really fall in love.

I remember it so well.  How I went over to Tom's just because I couldn't stand to be doing anything but walking towards him.  And sat out in the hall outside his apartment because I was afraid he wouldn't want to see me, just happy to be close to him even though he didn't know I was there.  Planning to leave quietly and go back home as soon as I could make myself.  And how he finally came out suddenly and saw me, and was so surprised and gracious and worried that I had been outside and not knocked.  And invited me in.  And how that moment was the sweetest in my life till then, and made up for so much other worry and loneliness before and after.

Just hang in, it is really going to get better.  As the school year goes along and you keep seeing your friend at school, those feelings will gradually make a place inside you that is as big as they are, so they aren't so squeezed and painful when they start to swell up.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on December 01, 2006, 12:49:40 am
In chorus with all the others, Phoenix, I hope you have a good talk with your sister.  I hope you find in her, a person who understands and supports you.   Whatever the outcome, good on you for embracing this important part of your being and reaching out to share with someone you care about.  I hope when the time is right, you'll get a chance to open up to Bill as well ..  :) 


Shakes ~  I love Iyanla Vanzant.  She is a very intelligent, inspirational woman.  I have 2 of her books .. she possesses an amazing understanding of human nature.  I'll post some of her words on my blog one of these days.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on December 01, 2006, 04:32:40 pm
I'm bumping this up as a show of support ;)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 01, 2006, 11:09:50 pm
Thanks, you guys :'(


i'm so afraid of Sunday, that i get all funny when i think of it...


Mine and Bills friendship was kinda rough this week, which was painful for me. IDK, i just felt limited from his presence. DID i tell you all that my mom works with his sister? weird, and almost fate ;)


obsession is so mad!!

thanks you all, i need some light
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on December 02, 2006, 02:18:11 pm
Thanks, you guys :'(

i'm so afraid of Sunday, that i get all funny when i think of it...

Take a deep breath and remember you ain't alone!   :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on December 02, 2006, 02:34:18 pm
Sounds like you live in a small town, your mom and his sister working together and all. Anyway, know your doing the right thing and have picked the best person in your family to start with.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 02, 2006, 09:16:45 pm
Sounds like you live in a small town, your mom and his sister working together and all. Anyway, know your doing the right thing and have picked the best person in your family to start with.

i feel kind of resourceful ::) too much anxiety. I can't handle it all. I'm getting to see her real early tomorrow. I'll post about it for sure. Thats if i don't have a heart attack.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 04, 2006, 07:59:58 pm
Okay, well, i came out to my sister without saying I was gay. I said "I'm in love with a friend of mine...........................who happens to be a boy.' Than i panicked, and the tears came straight out. I raised my hand to my mouth, Ennis-style, and i just rocked myself kind of. Her voice didn't change at all, she didn't seem suprised at all, and its crazy! She asked some questions that i couldn't quite answer because i was having a panic attack!  :(

but she wasn't mad, and she wasn't disappointed. I think she was proud that i came to her. my mom was thundering above us, ranting on, so we didn't get to talk any more than two minutes >:(

She has a lesbian cousin who is emailing me now, giving me someone to talk too.

I'm still having these overwhelming attacks, like after i watched Brokeback. They're compulsive, and they scare the crap out of me. I still can't believe i told her.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on December 04, 2006, 08:24:34 pm
Hey Phoenix!

Good on you for going through with it and telling your sister!  Even if you panicked, important thing is that you told someone who cares for you and didn't judge you.  :)  I hope you find another moment to talk to her some more when you two are alone for a while ..

Remember .. deep breaths ..  :) and more courage to you !  :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 04, 2006, 08:28:50 pm
2 weeks, day before my birthday, i get to see her again ;)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on December 05, 2006, 04:22:00 pm
Way to go Dude! I am proud out of! You are off on the right path, and your building a base of support with in your family.

Yes, take deep breaths, and drink plenty of water too.

(Do people still used the term dude? I dunno.....)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 05, 2006, 05:01:55 pm
they use DUDE like tissue, only when they have to.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: notBastet on December 05, 2006, 05:44:29 pm
Way to go Dude! I am proud out of! You are off on the right path, and your building a base of support with in your family.

Yes, take deep breaths, and drink plenty of water too.

(Do people still used the term dude? I dunno.....)

I still use the term 'dude'....
 ;D
But maybe I'm oldish...

Hi rebel, thanks for sharing with us.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lynne on December 09, 2006, 06:45:45 am
Phoenix,
I am very proud of you - what you've done took so much courage, I can barely comprehend it.  I agree that you and your sister need some alone time to really talk about things.  You've come a million miles already - please don't let others discourage you!
Lynne
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 09, 2006, 02:51:04 pm
Thanks ;)



i've been in a writing mood lately, though this past week wasn't too kind. I ended up gong off at a girl at school, for some stupd reason, then i went off on people on my bus....


IDK, i just don't like some people :laugh:


My attempt to write a more 'adult' poem.


Goodbye

I sit and wonder what goes through that head of yours
Who crosses your mind when your eyes go obscure?
Longing for tomorrow, having you near contiguous
the greek fire burns, and I am oblivious

Why don't you say goodbye?
Why won't you just lie?
Say you'll miss some part of me
The smile you put on me?
Erase it does when you don't say goodbye
The plug is pulled
The lights dim
I am at grim

I lay in envy as you rise
confidence in blindness,
sensitively courageous,
society will kill us

But still you laugh and crawl
And i must too
As I know I'll be the one to fall
Why won't you call?

Damn you, and your invisible lie
Tell me the truth, don't defy
You know i will always be here
my dear
just say goodbye!

Continue to lie,
And you'll see
What this will do to me

Say goodbye
Try to lull
I just may fall
Just say goodbye
Or don't leave at all...
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on December 11, 2006, 03:34:51 pm
So what do you hear from you sister these days? what color is the sky in your world? 8)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 11, 2006, 08:08:57 pm
she is having her lesbian cousin email me, but she hasn't emailed me in about a week :( same thing for Bill. I'm expecting to be emailed any minute now!


weird, me and Bill had a short talk about relationships and love, and all i thought and said was 'love these days is nothing more than infatuation.' I gave him a dollar, and luckily he didn't give it to some girl this time!

He knows all i want is love, not sex, in a relationship. But, i'm glad he isn't like most guys, as i'm sure i would of been laughed at to hell if he was.


Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on December 15, 2006, 11:27:57 am
You are finding your way, and he is too. Both of you are sharing the path at the moment, maybe not headed for the same direction, but a good travelling companion is a blessing.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 15, 2006, 08:06:49 pm
You are finding your way, and he is too. Both of you are sharing the path at the moment, maybe not headed for the same direction, but a good travelling companion is a blessing.

Thanks, thats sweet.

So, me and Bill join Drama club, and i got to hug him in a skit! it was great, but he had to leave early.

he said today that he was proud because i finally got some balls, after i denied giving away my milk to him and another guy, and i gave it to a other friend of mine that didn't have her lunch money.

This week was interesting. I'm getting a ride home from Drama club from a girl in my German class who i hardly know. LMAO!

Theres a musical i might audition for, but IDK, i can't sing.

Have any of you brokies seen someone you like alot talking and laughing without you, and you get so freaking jealous you just want to cry? Thats how i been most of this week. I hate it when Bill goes away from our table and talks to this girl, i know, i'm stupid, but i can't help it. I'm obsessed, but soft.

Two days till my visit with my sister!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lynne on December 15, 2006, 08:38:00 pm
You are finding your way, and he is too. Both of you are sharing the path at the moment, maybe not headed for the same direction, but a good travelling companion is a blessing.

I like how Truman puts things, don't you?

Theres a musical i might audition for, but IDK, i can't sing.

I say go for it!  There are often non-singing or chorale roles to fill, so you don't have to be a diva.  I have first-hand experience, mind you, in both Oklahoma and The Music Man, and I can't carry a tune in a bucket.  It was a blast, though, and the cast really bonds, having all that extra time together for rehearsals!  ::)

Have any of you brokies seen someone you like alot talking and laughing without you, and you get so freaking jealous you just want to cry? Thats how i been most of this week. I hate it when Bill goes away from our table and talks to this girl, i know, i'm stupid, but i can't help it. I'm obsessed, but soft.

You're not stupid nor soft at all - just human.  It sucks to feel left out, whether you're feeling jealousy or just excluded.

Hope your visit with your sister goes well - keep us posted!

-Lynne
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on December 18, 2006, 06:49:43 am
Happy Birthday!  ;D
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Front-Ranger on December 18, 2006, 12:12:05 pm
Have a happy birthday, Phoenix! I hope the coming year is the best ever for you. I hope this is your year to be your unique self. I know you will be pleasantly surprised and happy once you are able to stand up and be yourself, with the support of your family and friends. It won't be easy, but you have friends here and around you, truly you do.

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on December 18, 2006, 04:20:26 pm
Hey Phoenix!

I wish you a very Happy Birthday!

I hope you get to spend some of it with your friend Bill and those you love!
Many happy returns for this new year mate!  :)

~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on December 18, 2006, 04:37:27 pm
Happy, Happy Birthday, and do go out for the musical, in my experence no one in high school can sing anyway.  :-X

(well there is Charlotte Church and Leeann Rhimes)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Arad-3 on December 18, 2006, 05:01:53 pm
(http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k85/Arad-3/rocky_lg-1.jpg)


Arad-3/Geri
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 18, 2006, 09:27:19 pm
Thanks!!!!!


I'm afraid i might drown in all this love :o :laugh:


that was cheesy.


i found this rumor, and its hot...

 

19. James Dean, human ashtray
The rumors swirling around James Dean were reaching a fever pitch when he fatally crashed his car; Dean didn't live long enough to confirm or deny them. As a result, he's rumored to have slept with pretty much every woman — and man — in Hollywood. One of the best bits of hearsay appears in Kenneth Anger's Hollywood Babylon, in which he reveals James Dean's nickname, The Human Ashtray. Why? Some say it's because Dean liked to extinguish cigarettes on his arms, but Anger claims that the nickname comes from Dean's visits to gay BDSM clubs, where he'd ask men to extinguish their cigarettes on his bare chest. True or false, it's an intriguing image — and given Dean's love of extremes, a plausible one. — GW



My visit with my sister was pretty good. I told her it sucks being obsessed with someone, and she had to agree. Luckily, she knows how it feels. When we were walking out the door, i turned to her and said 'and its only guys-.'

I had to tell her i only like men, it was weird. She first asked 'seriously?' in a girlish way. I nodded, than almost tripped off her patio.

My birthday was a tad lack-luster. It started out with some idiots on my bus poisoning us all with AXE, god, he sprayed so much of it. Than someone wouldn't stop squeaking their shoes, it was so loud and annoying.

Other little things upset me, but its okay now, as i got some chocolate ice cream-cake. Too bad i can't eat it, as i'm trying to get ripped.  ::)


nice picture Arad-3, i always loved dogs, but could never have one do to us renting only apartments.

I think i signed up too late for the musical, but i'll go anyway. Just in case.
 
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Ellemeno on December 18, 2006, 11:23:07 pm
Hello, I'm Clarissa.  And I'm here for Lynne who can't get online, and has asked me to say a big Happy Birthday to you!  She and Truman and I are going to get together tomorrow and we'll toast you and wish you a wonderful coming year!  Happy birthday! 
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on December 18, 2006, 11:50:51 pm
(http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e85/tatis_briana/Happy%20Birthday/th_happybday.jpg)

Happy happy Phoenix!!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 23, 2006, 01:47:59 am
You guys are way too nice....


get your saddle as this is going to be a long one....


12/18-22

so we get a plan. My sister is coming over for Christmas (actually the 23-25), but the catch is that her boyfriend is coming too. He WAS on drugs (the worst ones at that) and he at once tried to kill her, and he even broke her door down. I've been told that he is clean now, and not a bad guy when he's sober. I kinda met him and he thinks i'm intelligent, which is good. I'm still scared, though. I told my mom not to let him come, but then i gave in and said 'well, if she wants to bring him, than bring him!' Last Thanksgiving she brought a homeless friend of hers to our family get-together.  ::) 

He did nothing but call me 'faggot' all day....

but worst of all, no one stood up for me. No one cared. My sister said she noticed and it pissed her off, but she didn't do anything about it. He called me faggot for no good reasons, like me beating everyone at Disney Scene-it, or me winning Mario Cart. He pissed me off. Than at the end of the day, he says 'it was nice meeting you'.  >:(

my homophobic brother is coming early tomorrow. He will be staying for a couple of hours, which is cool. He's lonely, i can tell. He's 20, and very odd.... (aren't we all?)

So, on Thursday, which was the last day of school before christmas, i'm walking with my crush (BILL) and he has a pop, and he offers some to me. First, i'm thinking WTF? Most people i know don't like drinking after someone else, but he word for word said 'i don't really care.' So i took some of his pop and downed it. I got to drink after him, you know your a loser when that makes your day!  :o

We had a good after school talk. He asked why i'm always in a hurry. i said shyly 'because i think i can get annoying after a while.' What i meant was, 'sometimes, i think i'm annoying you.' He didn't quite respond.

12/22

The CHRISTMAS DANCE

So me and a friend (girl) are going together, and as a couple because its cheaper (by a dollar, lol) Well, she abandons me after two seconds, and i'm left lerching. I start dancing a tad, but i notice BILL sitting by himself, looking at the girl he really, really likes. I felt so sad for him. I just wanted for him to get her, he looked depserate.

I danced with several girls, and me and BILL head banged to a couple of songs together, which was cool. I was (not to be too gross) 'dirty dancing' with a girl i know, and Bill was standing next to me, sad, and longing to talk to the girl he likes (he is VERY shy) Well, than a slow song is put on :( and i started dancing with another girl, and i just rested my head on her shoulder, and moaped. I wanted BILL to have a good time, but he looked so sad and alone. I got to talk to him finally, and i told him he should ask the girl he likes to dance. He said 'no shit' and he said he couldn't find her. That was a lie, i know it. But its okay, its human to lie and to try and cover up you're own insecurities. I pointed to her direction (he knew where she was  ::) )

He must of walked by her 4 times, before he asked her to dance. I think he ws planning on getting close, and hoping that she would drag him in, if you all get what i mean. It didn't happen. She seemingly politely turned him down. When he told me, he said it didn't matter, and was kind of happy about it. I wasn't :laugh: I was crestfallen, but its okay now.

So the girl i went to the dance with runs to the bathroom. She just broke up with her boyfriend, because he was cheating on her (he didn't come to the dance.) Then she was mad at me, because she thought i was telling everyone that her and her boyfriend at sex. me and a friend told BILL, and thats it. BILL isn't the type that would go back on his word, and spread a rumor. Well, she is pissed off at me, and i can't get her to dance. During this all MY EX IS LAUGHING ALL TO HELL BECAUSE SHE THINKS THAT IF ME AND MY 'DATE' HAVE PROBLEMS THEN I WOULD GO BACK OUT WITH HER! No, never again.


Welcome to the Jungle was the only good song they played all night. Me and BILL went nuts, as its one of his favorites, and i love it too. He is just jumping over walls, like a frog on crack. I'm doing all this weird dancing that envolves some strength (but i have been working out) I danced so hard, i thought i was going to die. I couldn't tell if i was dreaming or what. BILL bought me a drink after words, than he decides that he is going to go outside early. I do too. I'm sitting on a bench when Bill is walking away with some people i don't know when he calls me out and says 'peace!' That's not how i wanted to say goodbye. The woman he was with told me to come to her. it was his sister (who works with my mom) she shakes my hand, and the first thing i say to her is "you guys have the same eyes." They both have ravishing eyes. They are virtually black, but thought provoking. She kinda looks down, as if flattered or embarrassed. Well, Bill kinda puts his hand on my shoulder, and i do the same for him (he took of his shirt, so he only had a wife beater on) and he said drunkingly 'have a nice-' than he kind of mixed up his words. I was doing the same, i was tired out of hell.

He starts to walk away when his sister turns and asks 'are you waiting for something?' I started to say 'my mom' but BILL runs up (literally) and gives me half a hug. I was too shocked to hug back, and he half mumbled 'i love you, man.'

 :'(

it almost broke my heart. I felt dizzy, and i didn't know what was real or not. He than ran up the the girl he likes and kisses her (i think so anyway)  :laugh:


I say my last goodbyes, and i do a front roll on the cement. It was wet from the evening rain. It had to calm down my twisted heart. Britany (BILL's sister) yells 'are you okay?'  I said i am, and she tells me to tell my mom that she said hi.

It was all too short. The dance (do to a basketball game) was only 2 1/2 hours. They are usually about 4 hours. I was so dilapidated when he left. I just wanted to die.


I hope i didn't bore you guys too much, but i had to get this stuff down. I was too afraid to forget it.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on December 23, 2006, 01:54:59 am
Poor Phoenix...sounds like you are having a stressful week. Try to remember that it won't last forever...things will get better...
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 26, 2006, 03:26:08 pm
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!


a day late.


I want to wish all my peeps a merry x-mas  :laugh: . Haha, peeps  8)


So my Christmas was spent sending emails to people (which was in vain, as only two responded back) One of them not being my crush!!!

Anyways, my sister came over, and on the eve of Christmas eve, we had a hour long talk about me being, well you guys know  ::)


I was just pulling my heart out, and nearly crying on how it was nice to recieve 1/4th of a hug from someone you are obsessed with (see last, long post of mine). She understood, and everything. We laughed so much while playing Harry potter Scene-It (which is a gift for her son, but she opened it ;D )



On Christmas Eve, we went to WalMart and i swore i SAW BILLLLLLLLL! I went nuts, and i was having anxiety attacks, in the store, going crazy and driving my sister half way there. At one time i thought i saw him, but the guy turned around and wasn't him. I died, and grew sad.


Its been a odd Christmas

We ate nice, but my sister's boyfriend came over, so i was limited.


I had a good amount of wine :o God, it tastes so good. Keep that to yourselves  ;)

beer tastes nasty though, and i will never touch that kind again  :D
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on December 27, 2006, 03:21:34 pm
beer tastes nasty though, and i will never touch that kind again  :D

There are few things in life I am willing to swear to, but I swear that will not be the last time you make that promise! ;D ;)

Your Xmess sounds so much like mine at your age, and to paraphraise the story "there is nothing to be done about it". These truly are the best and the worst days of your life, so make the most of them, dance like no one is watching. Love like you've never been hurt, and tell your sister her boyfriend visited on probation, and failed. Remember: his calling you a faggot says way more about him than it does about you. Sounds like she has some self esteme issues she could use some help with.

You are passing thru a tight spot, keep breathing, and know on the other side you will be able to spead your wings and fly.  8)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on December 31, 2006, 09:31:15 pm
hey Phoenix

(http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n225/bridgetangel1977/holidays/th_NYgreeting5.gif)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 31, 2006, 11:14:25 pm
hey Phoenix

(http://i113.photobucket.com/albums/n225/bridgetangel1977/holidays/th_NYgreeting5.gif)

the picture didn't show up!


I made a new Brokeback music video!  :D




its to the song "Fix You' by Coldplay. Its not bad...

I can't wait to go back to school, I'm dying!


Peace

and if i don't get back at you all....



HAPPY NEW YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



 :laugh:

(http://img231.imageshack.us/img231/2669/jd7wo8.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on January 02, 2007, 12:41:57 am
That was a nice video. I have seen several and really enjoyed yours. I find I filter all music thru Jack and Ennis's ears anymore.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on January 03, 2007, 02:09:00 pm
Hiya friend ..

I hope the new year started well for you!  :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: saucycobblers on January 03, 2007, 05:33:10 pm
Great vid Phoenix! It made me cry!! :'(
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lynne on January 03, 2007, 06:14:16 pm
I can't get to youtube from work, but I'll check out the video when I get home tonight, promise.

I was thinking of you last night because I stayed all night with a friend, did my usual insomnia routine, and ended up reading a book of poetry she'd found for me in the discount bin at Dollar General.  It's full of really lovely poems - beautifully simple - by a young man dealing with adolescence, parents, and being gay.

Talking in the Dark by Billy Merrell

Here's the amazon link.  Take a look, let me know what you think.  If it appeals to you, I'd be happy to pass it on.

-Lynne

http://www.amazon.com/Talking-Dark-Poetry-Billy-Merrell/dp/0439490367/sr=8-1/qid=1167862019/ref=sr_1_1/104-4786199-9641539?ie=UTF8&s=books
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on January 03, 2007, 11:47:30 pm
Great vid Phoenix! It made me cry!! :'(


I'm actually happy for your tears shed, its always good to draw emotions from art. Even if you were crying because the video was dog awful, and you thought you might die!  ::) but thanks, its certainly not my best, though. Not to sound too much like a pompous idiot  :laugh:

1/3

LYNNE!



i'm very interested in this book of poems. That's so cool! Thanks for the link, and i hope you like my video.


Shakestheground (i just got your name, and realized what it was saying  ;) )


thanks for watching my video, and i remember when i first fell in love with BBM, i couldn't listen to a song without thinking of poor Ennis, or deprived Jack. Even if it was a Nirvana song, it always came back to them...


Lucise, my New Year was actually alright. I only stayed up to 1 AM, but i did have 3 wine coolers  ;D

i love them. Hopefully i don't love them too much  ;)

I'm starting a book in my English class called Lord of the Flies. i bet some of you were forced to read it. I think its somewhat interesting, but kind of odd.

I almost panicked when i first saw Bill for the first time in 11 days! I was kind of over come with emotion. We had a nice talk about rock and roll all lunch period. LOL.

I cleaned the downstairs of my house today, just for fun and to make my mother happy. She didn't ask us to, but me (and my little brother, who i fear is also gay)* got to work, and i'm exhausted.


*I don't think being gay is bad anymore, but it will be very difficult for him, if he is homosexual, because he's super shy, and only really talks to me. Also, he's hearing impaired, so its going to be difficult, for sure.

I heard a theory that young boys with many brothers have a higher 'risk' of being gay then a 'normal' boy does. Any thoughts???
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lynne on January 04, 2007, 01:47:19 am
*I don't think being gay is bad anymore, but it will be very difficult for him, if he is homosexual, because he's super shy, and only really talks to me. Also, he's hearing impaired, so its going to be difficult, for sure.

I heard a theory that young boys with many brothers have a higher 'risk' of being gay then a 'normal' boy does. Any thoughts???

There was a BBC article about this awhile back and a little bit of discussion in Chez Treblay.  I'm sure we can do more research and solicit more opinions if you're interested - there are several health care/biologist-type professionals on the forum who might have more informed opinions than the general public also.

http://72.232.132.224/forum/index.php/topic,2899.msg49401.html#msg49401

-Lynne
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on January 09, 2007, 07:21:33 pm
Hello




So i watched Brokeback Mountain for the 11th time on Saturday (the 6th). It was nice to input it in again.  ;)




Oh god, bear with me

1/8

Bill is grounded for 'letting' his dog eat a casserole. Jeese.

Well, his sister called me at 10 PM. We talked a lot. And she told me that Bill talks about me a lot....i almost cried when she said that  :( . And she said how he is lonely, and doesn't have a life. I could so relate...it was weird. She invited me to go to the movies with her and Bill, which i accepted. She came out and told me that their mom is a lesbian, which i already knew, but i guess the girlfriend beats everyone-including Bill. She said Bill needs a friend, and i so hope to be his friend, but sometimes its hard to express myself. His sister told me that I'm not annoying, and i didn't believe her. LOL! She's nice, and we talked till 12:10, which is when my mom threw a fit. It was nice to talk to someone new.

12/9

today wasn't too good, to be honest. My highlight was saying when i told Bill 'your sister said something about going to the movies, but i wasn't going to go unless you wanted me to.' His reaction was 'why wouldn't I want you to go? I wanted for someone to go...I've been alone a long time now.' And i smiled and said i would go then. He looked happy :D , and he even touched my shoulder as he walked by. Damn him.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lynne on January 09, 2007, 07:45:35 pm
There was a BBC article about this awhile back and a little bit of discussion in Chez Treblay.  I'm sure we can do more research and solicit more opinions if you're interested - there are several health care/biologist-type professionals on the forum who might have more informed opinions than the general public also.

http://72.232.132.224/forum/index.php/topic,2899.msg49401.html#msg49401

-Lynne

Hey Phoenix,

I was re-reading my post and decided that I'm not happy with it.  So I'm going to try again.  I haven't been able to interest anyone in commenting other than that the particular study itself is flawed, which I already knew.  The general consensus, IMO - and this is only MY OPINION - is that sexual orientation and identity (like any other tendency such as being musically inclined or hating crowds) are quite complex and likely a result of a combination of genetics, environmental factors pre-birth, environment and experiences from childhood onward, and the list probably goes on forever...

The really important thing, I think, is that you are happy with who you are - acknowledge your sexual identity in your own time and your own way so that you are completely COMFORTABLE with yourself - and not worry overmuch about the why's or why not's.

And also know that you have a really loving community here of people who care about you and how you're doing.  I, for one, look forward to catching up with what you've been doing and how things are going for you - so post often!

Hugs,
Lynne
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on January 10, 2007, 12:08:28 am
That is really an interesting development that Bill's mother is a lesbian. I would imagine that would take the pressure off some what about rejection fears.

Enjoy the movie. I am itching to go see Pan Labarenth. However you spel it.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on January 10, 2007, 12:59:46 am
Hiya Phoenix ..

Just leaving a note to say I'm still reading here and still rooting for you bud.  ;)

One more thing .. did you say Bill's mom's girlfriend 'beats' them?  ???
Forgive me if I misunderstood what you were saying ..
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on January 10, 2007, 04:55:46 am
I hope i didn't bore you guys too much, but i had to get this stuff down. I was too afraid to forget it.

No - I loved it Pheonix - sounds like you have had a packed few weeks.

Hope you are good.
xx
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on January 11, 2007, 07:51:30 pm
thank you all for commenting.


Lynne, i hope that book arrives soon, I'm slowly dying. And i have to agree, though i DID read the article, i believe that homosexuality 'develops' in the womb, and esp. in the childhood of someone. I have shown many symptoms of being gay all throughout my life (playing with barbies, close relationship with mother, envisionist.) Don't deny it, all gay men are like that ;)


Lucise, yeah, i meant Bill's mom's girl friend is a transvestite, and beats on everyone. He doesn't know if he can even go to the movies this weekend. I won't go if he can't.  :(   Always something keeping us apart!


And it has been a packed year. Several mood swings, and i don't know if the last two days are for the better or worse, you guys decide, because there's something definitely changing in mine and Bill's relationship.

1/10-11

Well, we get our schedules for the next semester, and i find out Bill has lunch with me!!!!! I thought he didn't, but he does, so its awesome.

I got a email from my cousin (who's a lesbian) which is cool. She knows what I'm going through, and I'm just happy for once that I'm not being misunderstood (I often am).

This is random, but I notice i go crazy if i feel left out from anything.


A friend of mine says she might switch lunches next semester, which kind of stinks. She is my best friend.


Well, today Bill told me he is going to the career center next school year....and he kind of tried to get me to go, and I MIGHT!


He's studying computers, which oddly, i've loved to do (since i'm always on one  ::) )  we both want to create video games---yeah, we're both losers--but two losers....


When talking about the career center, he told a girl (indirectly) that he would miss me the most out of everyone  :'(

that was a nice thought.


He's still looking forward to the movies this weekend. I'm dying to go. He says he still needs to talk to his mom about it, and i agreed. I literally said 'if she cares, she'd listen to you'. He has problems with his mom's girl friend, as i stated before. Bill still thinks that i think his mom has a boy friend, and isn't gay. I'm not going to confront him about it, because i don't want to put him in the spotlight.


I was wondering what you all thought about me going to the career center. I hadn't quite planned it, but i was kinda interested, and i've always dreamed to do awesome graphic designs on the computer. But he is the main reason i'd go. Also a Girl i like is going, and i could use that as a reason. I don't want him to forget me....i don't think he wants to, but he will. He confides in me a lot, mainly because our loneliness reads the same. He lives in the middle of nowhere, and i am nowhere.


Sorry for ranting!

My first job (in the summer) is going to be with sheep. Quite ironic, but i'm going to help shed them. Then next year it will be Alpacas  :laugh: for $ 100 a day. Awesome


talk to you all later


love, Phoenix
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on January 11, 2007, 10:30:17 pm
I want the sheep job! Jeez, a hunnered dollars a day! Itchy I bet.....

I know exactly what you mean about being left out, it feels like rejection, like an assault on your self worth. It is hard at your age, and takes time to grow out of, thru self confidence, knowing what you want. People your age are often portrayed as having a "pack mentality", which I know is a sterortype. Its okay to feel that way, just don't let it get the best of you.

Yes, go to the career center, but no just because Bill is going. Ask yourself, what if I do this and at the last minute he does not. Will this still be the a path I am intereted in taking? I hope the answer will be yes, but cannot wish for you. It is hard, nigh-on impossible for someon under 25 to know what they want to do with their life, but computors and gamining is a good area to develop skills in.

And that's my rant. 8)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on January 11, 2007, 11:53:14 pm
I want the sheep job! Jeez, a hunnered dollars a day! Itchy I bet.....

I know exactly what you mean about being left out, it feels like rejection, like an assault on your self worth. It is hard at your age, and takes time to grow out of, thru self confidence, knowing what you want. People your age are often portrayed as having a "pack mentality", which I know is a sterortype. Its okay to feel that way, just don't let it get the best of you.

Yes, go to the career center, but no just because Bill is going. Ask yourself, what if I do this and at the last minute he does not. Will this still be the a path I am intereted in taking? I hope the answer will be yes, but cannot wish for you. It is hard, nigh-on impossible for someon under 25 to know what they want to do with their life, but computors and gamining is a good area to develop skills in.

And that's my rant. 8)

his mom is forcing him to go, but he got to choose what class he gets to study. Cool beans, and thanks, i'm probably going to go.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on January 13, 2007, 11:40:04 pm
two days that effected my live forever


1/12

I won my school's short story contest! I went crazy, it was so cool, and twisted. The 12th was the last day of our semester, and like i said before, Bill has lunch with me again.

Bill congratulated me by running up to me in the hall and jumping on me :laugh: I remembered seeing him in the corner of my eye, but it was too late. At lunch, he said he was 'stoked' for me! He was super excited, and he said how i might get money for winning. Oddly, the lights go out while we were in the gym so it was half-lit. Very cool, we came closer as friends on Friday. Of course, my ex tried to ruin it by sending me a 'depressing' note about her 'not loving me anymore' and 'not caring about anything'. A very compulsive letter since we hadn't talked in months. She's an idiot, and i'll say that now.

Bill gave me a sculpture he made for Art. Its of a fat guy rubbing his stomach, and with no face.

he called it

THE FAT MAN
The ultimate sign of greed.

LOL!

My mom went nuts when i told her i won the contest. She gave me a passionate 'chop to the chest'.

1/13


Movie day!!!!!


I got to talk to Bill for 5 minutes on the phone :D

then he and his sister come to pick me up. He knocks on the wrong door (i live in a duplex).

God, he can eat a lot! We went to Burger King and he got food there, then we got to the movies and bought a lot of junk food (which i paid for), and he ate most of it. We got to go to E-B games, which was cool.

He kinda asked if i could stay the night, and i said my mom wouldn't care, but when we got into the theaters, and he called his mom, she said their water well broke.

Damn
DAmn
DAMn
DAMN

DAMN!!!!!

but his sister sat next to us, and said (jokingly) 'yeah, we are just going to crash right here, since this is suppose to be a family thing'. And Bill turns to me and says "shit, you are family".  :'(


We went and saw Primeval--who knew it was about a killer crocodile?

Bill commentated on everything, which didn't bother me too much, i kinda joined in on it too.  ::)


On the 30 minute ride home, Bill did nothing but play game boy, so we talked very little, but we both did head bang to 'Pour Some Sugar On Me' by Def Lepard.

I gave his sister a rib-crushing hug, and she asked if Bill gets one and i said no...


So she took his, LOL, and i left with a handshake, and sadness.


I almost got locked out, because i brought the wrong keys >:(
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on January 26, 2007, 05:28:10 pm
As of late, my life has gotten much better (well, kinda)


So I'm now going to the career center for Interactive Media, which is very popular, and Bill is also going.


1/23/07

So i stayed after school for Drama Club, and Bill's mom's girlfriend didn't pick him up, so we just stood out in the cold, and talked for an hour. What a great moment. It was horrid watching him leave, his sister came and got us.

I gave him a copy of my short story - i can't wait to hear what he thinks!


Lynne, thanks so much for the book! I like it a lot, and its nice to read stories i can relate to. I got it a couple of days ago, but i've been busy, so i'm not done, yet. Thanks again!


My sister got her son back! I think i told you guys that he was kidnapped by his father.

My family is doing too well at the moment. We got a lot of money, and we're looking for a new house. I want a dog, or a cat - just an animal!

My little brother was forced to come out by my mother. :( She embarassed him (unintentionally) in front of me. He had been looking up gay related material on the computer, and mother saw it...he cried, and i felt so bad. I confronted my mom later, and told her that what she did was in bad taste. She didn't make fun of him, but she just made him feel embarassed, and i nearly got sick. She still doesn't know that i'm gay, and hopefully she will never!  ;D I've been thinking about coming out to my brother, to tell/show him that being gay is okay. I'm not sure yet.

My favorite past times at the moment are playng Okami, and going to school ;)



Peace

ps




I love Bill
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on January 26, 2007, 06:44:11 pm
Hey Phoenix!

I been wondering how you been doing this past while!  :)


My little brother was forced to come out by my mother. :( She embarassed him (unintentionally) in front of me. He had been looking up gay related material on the computer, and mother saw it...he cried, and i felt so bad. I confronted my mom later, and told her that what she did was in bad taste. She didn't make fun of him, but she just made him feel embarassed, and i nearly got sick. She still doesn't know that i'm gay, and hopefully she will never!  ;D I've been thinking about coming out to my brother, to tell/show him that being gay is okay. I'm not sure yet.

If you can, I really think you should talk to your little brother, share with him .. I am certain that he will draw alot from you being able to confide in him and to let him know that he is okay and that there is nothing wrong with him.  I am sure that he will appreciate the fact that you won't judge him or embarrass him.  Please think about this, I think you'd be helping him out a good deal ..  :) 

You may not feel like coming out to your mother just now, but maybe with time, you will see that it is nothing for you to be ashamed of .. I hope the time comes when you feel that the time is right for you to tell her.   :)

All the best, friend ..

~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on January 30, 2007, 06:05:35 pm
Hey Bud, we could benefit from your imput on the Safe Haven thread. If you have any suggestions as to resources someone in you age bracket and location could benefit from, please let us know about them.

Yes, by all means tell your brother, when the time is right and your comfortable with it.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on February 02, 2007, 05:06:03 pm
That would be cool, if i started a thread about being a gay teen, but how many gay teens come here??

This week has been soooooo stressful. I feel like i've been fighting for nothing.


Well, Monday (1/29) i had a minor anxiety attack in Science. I was hyperventilating for about a minute, until i calmed myself down. No one noticed, thank god. It was over lunch, and how i was so pissed off at myself, and Bill, and everyone. Nothing went my way, and i just hated (hate) myself for it. I'm going through a self-loathing thing at the moment.


I swear to god if Bill insults my intelligence one more time, i'm going to kill him >:(

I hate it, whether he does it on purpose or not. And i ALWAYS say the wrong thing.

My sister and nephew are spending the weekend at my house, and today is my older, homophobic, brother's birthday.

I hate saying goodbye, its horrid, and i don't want him to go to Arizona after we graduate.


I could use some wine now.


I'm failing math, and probably Science too, i'm not happy anymore. All my poems are about being deprived of someone, and i just don't see how the other homosexual members made it through their teen years.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on February 02, 2007, 05:16:53 pm
Phoenix ..

Do visit the Safe Haven board.  I am sure that there are many stories there that you could draw from, stories from others who have been where you are now.  Do check it out.  :)

~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on February 08, 2007, 05:47:30 pm
I'll check out the Safe Haven when i have enough time :)


RIP Anna Nicole Smith. She was beautiful, funny, and i really liked her. It's a damn shame too, her son just died.


Life isn't fair.




So...Monday (2/5/07) Me and Bill went to the movies. We saw Epic Movie (4/10). We talked about making a movie together, and/or having a band.


Well.....he spent the night at my house.


Nothing happened. It was cool, but i still felt very hurt. We had great, odd conversations, and when we went to sleep he even said 'i'm not going to rape you, or anything.' Too bad ;D


Anyways, i felt horrible, and i cried through the one hour of sleep i got that day.

We played video games, and got on the computer A LOT! That's all we did.

When he left, we gave one of those 'guy hugs' and shook hands. He said he loved it at my house, and that made me smile. I had to take a shower after he left. I felt like i was going to die.


overall, i was disappointed with our sleepover. I just felt like crap, but next time will be better. Today i lied and told him i had fun and that we had to do it again. He said 'definitely' which made me happy.

Yesterday was the most emotional day of my life. It was the first time in years that i felt like killing myself. It was just like getting into a car wreck and then made to run a race.


Bill tells me a song on the CD i made him messes up, and i said 'i guess i'm not that good of a friend' and then i walked away as he talked on....

He didn't sit with me at lunch...he was too busy sitting with Kelly. She just broke up with her boyfriend, and has been starving herself, and i think Bill likes her. How am i suppose to beat that? Fucking liar, he told me he wasn't ready for a girl in his live, and i know he likes her, because he's giving up the last dance of the school year to go to Kelly's house for her birthday.



I talked to my sister on the phone yesterday, and though i don't feel suicidal anymore, i feel like crap. Nothing is good enough to curtain the cold--and Bill is still sitting with Kelly.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Scott6373 on February 08, 2007, 05:52:40 pm
Hey buddy.  Anytime you wanna check out Safe Haven is cool.

Don't worry about what Bill is doing.  His choices have nothing to do with you.  You jusy pay attention to yourself.  If ya ever need an ear...I'm here, there and everywhere...God I gotta get a life :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on February 11, 2007, 01:35:00 pm
I just came out to my mom last night....


I had to, i had a terrible time at the dance, and she saw the look on my face, and i just cried.


I'm pretty depressed at the moment, but it's cool, i think.

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Front-Ranger on February 11, 2007, 01:55:23 pm
I'm so glad you took this step! As the mother of a 15-year-old boy, I have been wishing you would do this for a long time. I hope things get better for you now.

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lynne on February 11, 2007, 01:59:42 pm
I just came out to my mom last night....


I had to, i had a terrible time at the dance, and she saw the look on my face, and i just cried.


I'm pretty depressed at the moment, but it's cool, i think.



This is a huge step for you!  Anything **at all** we can do to give you some support right now, we're here - just let us know, OK??!!  Hang in there...one step, one minute, one second at a time.

Hugs,
Lynne
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on February 11, 2007, 04:06:49 pm
I just came out to my mom last night....

I had to, i had a terrible time at the dance, and she saw the look on my face, and i just cried.

I'm pretty depressed at the moment, but it's cool, i think.

Hiya Phoenix ..

This is huge and I am glad to hear that you came out to your mom! 
I know it hurts right now, but I am hoping that as the days go by, you'll feel better about the decision you made.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling depressed ..
I thought I'd put a smile on your face, 'cause we all know one person who can do that!  ;)


(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i285/Lucise/Fanart/Autres/Misc/7d204740.jpg)


Remember - you are not alone.  :)


~Milli

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on February 12, 2007, 12:02:07 pm
Bless you, take a deep breath, calm your mind, we are all so proud of you.  :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on February 12, 2007, 05:38:08 pm
I regret coming out to her. I told her i was bisexual, which isn't really a lie, because i'm attracted to women, but i'm more interested in men. I prefer men, but women are also a turn on ;D

Thanks to you all.


Lynne, i'm so sorry. This whole past week hasn't been the best. I'll try and send my short story to you via computer/etc.

I told Bill my family would adopt him if his mother allowed it. He's having some problems with his mom's girl friend :'(


I thought coming out would make me feel better, but its kinda the opposite.

Thanks so much Lucise, for the awesome JD collage!

PLEASE tell me what you think of this poem. I really love it, it's one of my own




Silent Happiness

Do you think
Of me when you're down?
Your eyes whisper soft coils
That scream yes
I love you too

It's so easy to love you here
Soft pillows
Warm blankets
Your eyes-
They're thinking
Whether they like what they see
I hope they like me

I want a special little place to hide you
Maybe my heart,
But everyone walks through that
You're the first
That clenches my thirst
I am happy, here in bed

Lying next to you
All day and all night
Till god shuts out the light
And the bed grows cold
And the milk on the table molds
It all seems so pleasant
Your intensity
And friendship
You look after me
I try so hard to give
But you cried to me and said i did

I took your pain away
God knows you did mine
Fingers on back
I love the feel of your spine
The bones are like steps to
Your beautiful face
Something i will never forget
Loving you here, and anyplace.....
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on February 12, 2007, 05:47:36 pm
Beautiful poetry Phoenix!
Bittersweet .. lovely ..
You are very talented, keep writing ..  :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lynne on February 12, 2007, 06:59:43 pm
Lynne, i'm so sorry. This whole past week hasn't been the best. I'll try and send my short story to you via computer/etc.

Hey there, Phoenix,

No worries, please.  If you're like me, you'll send it when you get around to it - I usually get where I'm going, but I'm as slow as Ennis sometimes.  It'll be a nice suprise someday!!

On the other front, hang in there.  It's great you're talking to your Mom about your personal stuff.  Keep the communication open.  I can't imagine how tough things must be for you right now.

And please remember, we're glad to listen - when you're down or up - however you come to us.  There's a line in Latter Days where Lila and Christian converse.  He's asking about how you get through grief, guilt, etc:

Lila: Guilt distracts us from a greater truth... we have an inherent ability to heal.  We seem intent on living through even the worst heartbreak.
Christian:  How?
Lila: Practice

I know it doesn't completely apply here, but I like the part about 'Practice.'  There's a lot to be said for getting up every day and getting through, even if it's (as Brother Patrick told me) 'one nano-second at a time.'

I completely love your poem.  You have so much talent and potential.  Like Milli said - keep on writing!

I took your pain away
God knows you did mine
Fingers on back
I love the feel of your spine
The bones are like steps to
Your beautiful face
Something i will never forget
Loving you here, and anyplace.....

Just lovely!

Hugs,
Lynne
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on February 13, 2007, 03:46:22 pm
Hey there, Phoenix,
There's a lot to be said for getting up every day and getting through, even if it's (as Brother Patrick told me) 'one nano-second at a time.'
I completely love your poem.  You have so much talent and potential.  Like Milli said - keep on writing!

I agree about your poetry - wow.  And since Lynne told me about you, I too have been concerned and wanted to share with you my James Dean Scans.  JDEAN.jpg was one of the first GRAPHIC files I ever downloaded from my local BBS. It was in another time, in a text based world.  And they were Gifs.  Jpeg's hadn't been invented yet.   Enjoy!  Your story has truly touched my heart of hearts.   I join all here who Care!

peace :)
br. patrick
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: ifyoucantfixit on February 14, 2007, 07:07:57 am
  Well i am so sorry i came late too your party.. A much belated  Happy Birthday  and
hoping you have a wonderful year.
  I see where Scott and Truman have both invited you to visit in safe haven, and
participate by putting input to that thread..  I know it makes you better to talk to
others here on your own blog, but you dont know it yet. But i believe that you
will truly heal in a way you dont even understand yet..by participating in that
part of Bettermost..You will find the interaction and sharing and even possibly helping
others, will come back to you many times over..I really believe you are a very
bright and talented young man.  You have the intelligence to make the right
choices..I am sure in the long run that is what you wil do.  Your friend seems
very nice, but not in a place in his own mind to make the kinds of decisions you
would like for him to make.  Just be patient with him, and give him space..He is a
friend,,and you are his friend..That is a very big thing...Remember that you have
come to a wonderful place.  The people here care about you and each other.
So whenever you need to talk to someone, and give a confidence,You will find it
safe  here to do so.    I know you dont know me from Adam or anyone else, but i
would never say  something to you i didnt believe one hundred per cent.  I
read your whole blog this evening, and it touched me deeply..I wish you
every good thing that life has to offer.  And as the song goes, I wish you
Love..It seems that you have a great deal of that in your life already, and that
is a great blessing, on which you can rely....                 A Friend    Janice
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on February 16, 2007, 06:15:14 pm
Wow, Ennis had James Dean's old trailer!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on February 25, 2007, 08:13:05 pm
oh god




This past 2 weeks have been....kinda bad.


So on Friday (Feb. 16th) Bill came over and he spent the night. We ordered some pizzas and we had some fun. It was a pretty good sleepover. We stayed up all night, and he left the next morning. Naturally, i was crestfallen when he left...

Well, he called later that day and we were chatting. I asked him if he wanted to come to the movies with me and my mom. I tried to help him fix his computer via cell phone. Well, his mom's girlfriend, Jackie, came home and she is known as being very, very bitchy (pardon my language).

Bill didn't hang up the cell phone when Jackie started yelling at him


She was pushing him, and she was yelling uncontrollably. She yelled "Do you want me to kill you?" And i was shaking....i was getting so upset, because she was yelling at him for no reason. It was horrible. After the fight, he told me "welcome to my life." I made sure he remembered that my house is opened for him anytime.

I told my mom about Jackie, and she called Bill's mom and threatened to call children services. Bill's mom cried to my mom on the phone, and when i got to talk to her, i started to cry. I couldn't keep my head straight.

Bill called me later, and he didn't sound like himself. It was like some messed up paradox. He was making excuses for Jackie, and using her bad childhood as an excuse for her bitching (she is 46!).

He said that the highlight of his life is talking to me

At this time....I'm worried that mine and Bill's friendship is being torn apart, but he says that it's not.

So he comes to the movies with us, and Jackie calls his cell phone....


He sucks up to her, and my mom goes nuts. I have to tell my mom to calm down. My mom knows what's going on, and she knows a**holes.

He spends the night again. He asks if I'm mad at him...I say yes. And i told him why. He was making excuses for Jackie.

The night doesn't go so well.

He tells me to hold in there.

I called him the next day (MONDAY)

I told him i'm just very over protective of my friends.

He kind of understood.

Next day at school, he told me I freaked him out when i was all 'emotional.'
I wrote a poem called LIAR about it :laugh:

He didn't get to go to Kelly's party...and that depressed me.

So...we both signed up for our school's Cow Pie Eating Contest

But, Friday (23rd) they picked random people to participate at an assembly, and we weren't picked.

I couldn't find him afterwards.

Yesterday (Saturday, 24th) he called. He said his mom insisted that he should spend the night. My mom complains. She doesn't trust him anymore..because of his dealings with Jackie...

We had fun. I picked on him a lot. I would put him in a headlock, and i even picked him up like a baby. We had some fun....

But we did argue a tad...I put my hand on his shoulder, and he asked if i was 'hitting on him.' I was caught off guard. I 'joked' and said yes. We got into a very awkward little thing. I put him in headlock, and i said "I love you like a brother....." and i think he took it wrongly. I embarrassed myself, and i told him i didn't mean to grope on him, i was just trying to show compassion. He said it was okay, and that i didn't do anything wrong.

he is such a good guy, but i felt very bad about going too far.

We've decided that we are going to get an apartment together after high school (well, kind of anyway). We want to make a movie/band/video game together. I hope i didn't ruin anything with my over-display of affection....

When he left (about an hour ago) today (25th, Oscar night) he was apathetic. He was glad to leave.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on February 26, 2007, 04:36:22 pm
Friend, I try to be very conservative and careful in my advice, but I think the time has come. You and Bill need to talk. You have come out to your mother, and your cousin, perhaps it is time he knows who you are too.

Do this from a position of confidence. You have your self respect, your self esteem, and regardless of how it goes, you will have that to fall back on. Based on what you have told us, it does not seem like Bill will reject you.

Now I am not saying tell him about your feelings for him, you can work on that later. What is important at this point is not that you two have feelings for one another, but that you are as complete and whole and open a person as you can be at this point. Be proud of who you are. Your friends here are.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on February 26, 2007, 04:57:04 pm
Now I am not saying tell him about your feelings for him, you can work on that later. What is important at this point is not that you two have feelings for one another, but that you are as complete and whole and open a person as you can be at this point. Be proud of who you are. Your friends here are.

Good words Truman!  I second every word.

Phoenix - I am sure that you know that nobody here thinks there is something wrong with you.  We are all here to support you in whatever little way we can.  Sharing this very important part of yourself with Bill will be very eye-opening for you, no matter how it turns out.  It is defintely a very crucial step to take.  And like Truman said .. you don't have to tell him everything at once.  Baby steps, you'll get there .. and know that you have nothing to be ashamed of.  :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on February 27, 2007, 05:59:05 pm
thank you all for commenting.

Phoenix,
Wow, does your story ever take me back.  You are in some ways way luckier than I was.   It was 1969-70 and all the gay guys in high school would congregate around this large loving girl.  She was my ‘official’ girlfriend.   She even bought me a class ring so “I could give it to her”.   She would protect us from Bullies!   Debbie was wonderful and I love her still.  We said nothing publicly of our Orientation.  I had what I thought was a platonic relationship with a fellow freshman named Terry.  I was pretty sure Terry was gay so I came out to him.  (The first person I came out to was the high school counselor (his first year out of school – oh  boy, was I glad I had someone who was “supposed” to understand.)  But, I would only tell Terry about this incredible love, lust, & infatuation with a guy in an upper grade named Scott Schroeder.  When he came down the hall I would literally have to RUN to a side wall to steady myself.  My knees became like rubber.  My only way of connecting with Scott was sharing cigarettes with him in the washrooms.  Usually there were a few others, but one day it was just him and I smoking.  I was in Heaven!  He took a long drag, exhaled and told me to keep the cig.  Well Keep it I did – for a long, long time!  Anyway, I felt comfortable enough with Terry to tell him all about my feelings for Scott Schroeder.  And how I would use psychedelic paint to write his name over and over for a poster in my bedroom which would light up under black-light.  Then we were sophomores and right after I got my drivers license, I drove Debbie, my girlfriend, and Terry to our small farm and parked in a field to talk.  One thing led to another and pretty soon Debbie was wandering ,out of it, in our field while Terry poured out his love for ME and how he felt for ME the same way that I felt for Scott Schroeder.  I didn’t want to hurt Terry’s feelings and some futile attempts at fellatio happened.  Then Debbie came back crying as she had figured the whole thing out.  My memory clouds at just what happened next but the important part is that we all stayed really close all through high school.  Once upon a time there was my ‘First Love’ and I will never forget it or regret it!  (in my heart of Hearts I keep hearing it is time to talk to Bill)...

peace :)
br. patrick
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on March 03, 2007, 09:27:15 pm
Thank you all.

I hate talking to my mom about it.

I can't tell Bill YET, though. I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to 'risk it all,' even if he would except me. I've came to the conclusion that i'll tell him way before we graduate (which was my original plan). But right now, i just want to soak in him every time he comes over (he isn't over this weekend, surprisingly) It's been 2 weeks since his and Jackie's fight.


Thanks for the very interesting story Patrick. I love the word 'fellatio' and yes I know what it is.

This poem is about him...but it's weird,

Withstanding

Passionate lips of melancholy
Splintered with years of
Beat downs and bereavements

Eyes filled with tears
But they never come
They are Overdue

You are so strong
Fighting to sleep
And to keep peace in
A powder keg
No, you never cry
But your eyes are
Never dry

When will the dove come?
She's long overdue
When will the hope come?
You need her to get through
Who will hold the peace
Other than you?

Something always breaks
Usually Its your heart,
Crumpling in pieces
Shattering on the floor
Till it is no more

You are your own shadow
Hiding behind the one
Everyone sees
Crying inside
And weak at the knees
Pleading for a hand
Screaming for someone
To understand you
As you stand

Not as who they want
But as who you are
Beautiful and up to par
No matter how they beat
You this day
You'll get up and
Walk through the glass
And fire
And fear
Of not having anyone
Who loves you near

But just look for the north star
And you'll see
A place to rest
A place to sleep
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on March 09, 2007, 08:40:17 pm
PLEASE listen to this song. I'm going to make a BBM music video with it (sometime down the road) It's amazingly sad.

Sarah McLachlan - I Love You (LIVE)






3/9/07

Me and WILLIAM(  :D  ) auditioned today for a play! My monologue was from Rebel Without a Cause. The 'You're Tearing me apart' scene  ;)


Then me and Bill had to read lines together (from the play). I embarrassed myself by reading the script horribly. Yeesh...


He called his mom at work to see if he could spend the night.....Jackie answered the phone and REFUSED to let him talk to his own fucking mother............


So he asked Jackie if he could spend the night and of course she/it said no. I say 'it' because she's a transvestite. I told Bill to ask his mom when he got a chance, since Jackie has no real say....

Me and mother took Bill home. he led us the way, but me and mother already knew the way, because yesterday, we did a little spying, by driving over to his house ::) Just to see.

We sent a letter to Bill's father (who's in jail) to see if he could help the situation when he gets out (March 21, i think).


Please, someone reply!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on March 09, 2007, 10:08:14 pm
Hiya friend!

Good to hear from you.
I been meaning to drop by and comment on your last poem, Withstanding, but didn't get around to it.
Simply put, it is beautiful and haunting, like alot of the poetry you write.
Like I tell ya every time, keep it up! :)


Bill's home situation sounds complicated, what with his mother's girlfriend's attitude towards him!
Here's to hoping something gives, for his sake.
Also, let us know if you both get into the play!  ;)


~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on March 10, 2007, 03:42:39 pm
Beautiful song, I love Sarah Mclachlan, and she is so beautiful too. I thinks she does that song "The Arms of an Angel". I wonder where that CD is.....

Good luck with the audition! I hope you and WILLIAM!!!!! get parts. I think you all are lucky to have one another, from your descriptions it sounds like you are the bright spots in one anothers lives.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Andrew on March 11, 2007, 09:37:07 pm
Phoenix,
You are such an artist, I know making those videos and poems is going to keep you sane however things are blowing in your crazy life full of feelings. 

I really like that poem and the last one you posted, I have memorized parts of them and have been thinking about melodic lines that would go naturally with the words.  Some day you are going to write a hit song!

I also really like the video in your sig line, with the Coldplay song.  You have put the images and the words together so well.  You just know that film and where to go to find what you want in it.

I know you can turn the Sarah McLachlan song into something special if you want - something I would like better than that video of her singing it!  She is trying to be interesting for the camera but the arm movements just don't look natural or sincere to me.  You'll do much better with images from the film!

It's good to hear you're getting your mom as an ally.  With Bill coming over to your house more and the situation with his family getting more obvious, it helps to know that you are not the only one outside his family who knows how hard it is for him.  Situations like that really need to be watched.  It's important for Bill to know that he can tell you anything, he doesn't have to cover up for Jackie.  She may just seem like an embarrassment to him, and if that means she is not doing anything to his self-esteem by carrying on the way she does, that's good.  But sometimes a person like that can turn into an abuser, and if it happens it just can't be allowed to go on, people can get hurt. 

Keep us posted here and keep those great lyrics coming!





Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on March 18, 2007, 09:26:19 pm
thanks Andrew


I have to say, i'm going to watch that gay soap opera on youtube that everyone is dying over.


First, last week was testing, so it was a bad week. Bill didn't get a part in the play, but i did. I got Dr. Purgon in 'The Imaginary Invalid'

I felt bad that he didn't get a part, but someone just dropped out, so he might still have a chance.

Mrs. Day, my Teen Issue's teacher, is Bill's neighbor, and i told her (confidentially) about Jackie, and etc. I think she has a right to know as their neighbor (just in case). Mrs. Day said Jackie is a great neighbor to have :o

3/18 Sunday


Bill spent the ENTIRE weekend at my house! I was so happy! My mom just picked us up after school was out. I had to witness Bill 'flirting' with a girl he likes a lot.

First thing that happens when we get to my house is me and my mom get into a fight >:(

My sister called and told us to babysit her son for the weekend because she 'made plans with her new boyfriend for St. Patrick's day.' I was very angry. Bill and I had planned on him spending the weekend at my house for about two weeks!
And Chance, my nephew, is a very big burden and i didn't want him to interrupt mine and Bill's time. I know that sounds selfish, but i was just so disheartened.

My mom was attacking me with personal attack after personal attack. We were arguing RIGHT IN FRONT OF BILL, and i got uncomfortable. Of course, mom played it off as my fault. She has been doing so since i came out to her. She even used Bill's family against me! I got really pissed, and really embarrassed. It ended when Bill said 'can you guys do this when I'm not here?'

My mom, later that night, came downstairs and acted all 'independent woman.' She called me a dumbass for no reason, and i just gave her a very serious look and said 'why are you doing this to me?' She answered by grimacing and bitching some more. She was a horrible mother this entire weekend.

Bill, yesterday at sometime, turned to me (we were sitting at the computer) and said 'I Love You-not like that" and then he gave me a hug and said i was 'his best friend.' Liar. He was just saying it because i was making him a CD, but he seemed serious.  :D ??? :'( :-\

Last night...lets just say we had a discussion about something guys do when alone ::) if i could be so bold in saying so :laugh:

I asked him (today) if he was happy (in general). He said yes, then said why, and one of his answers was 'and I'm at the house of a good friend of mine, Phoenix"

We watched a couple horror movies.

Mom was pissed because Bill ate all of our chicken noodle soup, and that he spent TWO nights, instead of one. She embarrassed me, and she kept on asking stupid questions like 'why are you acting this way?' What she doesn't understand is that i'm in severe Limerence, and that she was embarrassing me in front of my crush. I confronted her about it today, and she got all bitchy, and we got into another fight. She said that she regretted moving to this town and that Bill is using me. Bill always says he's sorry and that he's very thankful for the stuff i do for him. I truly do not think he is taking advantage. Yeah, he has selfish problems, but I put those to a stop right away.

Thank god we couldn't get Keli on the phone, because she was going to come over to my house, and the three of us were going to walk to the cemetery. I'm glad she was avoiding the calls.

I really don't know if this was a good or bad weekend.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on March 18, 2007, 10:05:14 pm
Phoenix, your mom is probably having a hard time with figuring out how to act....how to feel...

and you and Bill are as confusing to her as it is to you...think about it, if YOU don't know what is going on with your relationship, she probably is ten times more confused...

I wish I had more help for you...more words of wisdom...but don't get too upset with her...she is probably doing the best she can.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on March 20, 2007, 08:09:50 pm
3/20 - Tuesday

Well, the day started out good. I was energetic, but when i get to school...Bill ruins it for me.

I swear he is so emotionless. It was so scary today. He is bipolar, and he was on Ritalin so he is sometimes like a zombie. Today it was the worst ever. I asked him if everything was okay, he said it was.

At Lunch I asked if 'i did anything wrong' and he said no, but i had this feeling. I might be getting paranoid, but he seemed to be happier talking to everyone else than he was talking to me. I didn't know what i did wrong...he just seemed so dead to me.

After school, he apologized for being so zombie-like. I just told him to go home and exercise as that helps me. I told him to drink some coffee or hot chocolate or hot tea, as they help too. I was staying after school for rehearsals, and i told him that my mom could give him a ride home if his sister didn't show up (she never did). But he said he wanted to walk home. He lives less than ten minutes from the school, but the walk would be exhausting (but not impossible).

He's smoking now...and he thinks that he was just going through a bipolar mood-swing...i really don't know. What did i do?

He got a lighter from our friend, Haley, and will give it back to her tomorrow. I gave him some pills at school for a headache (as he had one) and when i looked around for any teachers, he said 'just give them to me.' It was neither peaceful nor angry, it was just upsetting.

Then when he did leave to walk home... i was desecrated. It was horrible just to see him leave

He was so sad...i just couldn't help him.

When Happiness May Come

I caught you watching
The sunset,
Heaven washing
Over your frown

And I knew you were
Upset,
Shattered ice
Covered in snow
Please,
It's okay to let
It show
Everyone dies
A Little
Everyday

I hope it gets
Better
It couldn't get
Colder
I'm sorry you
Had to walk
Alone
I wish I could
Help you
Perhaps,
Hold you,
But this you
Must but can't
Do on your own

It will get better
Maybe not colder
I'm sorry you had
To cry
Alone
I wish I could
Help you
Perhaps,
Tell you,
You can't
Always be
Alone

I see the
Sadness in your eyes
The gray in my skies
But you just hold
It inside

A rose in
The road
That is much worth
Laying on a grave
To sleep,
Would not give
His heart away
Tragedy,
He would keep
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on March 20, 2007, 08:23:07 pm
"It will get better"




"I hope so"


................
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on March 26, 2007, 10:41:56 am
Hey Bud,

There will be days like this, for you as well as for him. Let it be like water off a ducks back. The sum of all the days, good and bad, is what paints the picture of our lives.

In other words, don't let one day knock you for a loop, and if it is a prolonged thing, help him to get help with his problem.

Peace.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on March 29, 2007, 12:14:36 am
I love The Hours, what a good movie about gay people :D

great acting, and so dramatic, i love the character of Virginia Woolf. I feel so bad for Julianne Moore's character, and poor Meryl Streep.

I got a great lecture today by a family friend. I came out to her (i've known her for >10 years)

And every time one of her daughters came into the house, i came out to them, LMAO! It was hilarious.


She told me to let Bill go, as i could wind up dead, because Jackie isn't fooling, and that i can't really help. This friend has been through A LOT! She knows people very well, and feels sorry for Bill (i informed her.) Weird, I'm trying to heed everything she said but i felt so apathetic, as i have this entire break (Spring Break).

Bill found out about the letter we sent to his dad...

he was mad, but not so anymore. He finally called today, i was surprised, i thought he hated me.

We're going to see 300 Friday...

I need to read Mrs. Dalloway

To read list

Mrs. Dalloway
The Amityville Horror
Frankenstein
Hard Love (school research paper!)
LOTRs



I've been so bored lately, that i started back into Lord of the Rings :-\

I'm that bored.


I love the movies, of course, and i love the game, and i want to give the books another shot

I'm sorry, but i cannot read the books. They bore me too much, though i try and try and i might actually read them soon, i doubt I'll get through them all. It's such a wonderful journey. I watched all three movies lately, and i did a little research. I'm becoming a fanatic again :o


Any Lord of the Rings fans out there???

I love the movie Quills. It's so wonderful, and it reminds me of my short story (for which i need to send to you guys)  ;)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Front-Ranger on March 29, 2007, 01:07:36 am
I started reading a great book tonite. It is On the Road by Jack Kerouac. I can't put it down! Think I'll stay up all nite!!

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on April 09, 2007, 07:00:09 pm
Smoking helps sometimes. I have a friend that i smoke with and her mom and dad only live a 10 minute walk from my house! Next is weed ::)


But why do i tell you guys?  :laugh:


Bill didn't spend this weekend, he rather have played the game i lent him which won't even work for me...he didn't even ask. But the weekend before last, he spent TWO NIGHTS. And we walked around town-to the graveyard-to Walmart-to the movie store. it was awesome.

We also saw 300 ;)

He slicks his hair back now


The graveyard is a great place to be when I'm tired or sad. Its my favorite place to be in town. I smoked a cigarette there today ;D

damn lighter wouldn't work for about 5 minutes, LOL! God obviously didn't want me to smoke it...

but i did.

Quills is officially the best movie ever. I recommend it to all of you. Its classic, and I love Kate Winslet.

Am i the only Kate Winslet/ Jaquine Phoenix fan on here?


-Phoenix (I now have a myspace, but no pic. yet)  ;)

myspace.com/estrangedbloodquill
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on April 09, 2007, 08:19:41 pm
I love Quills!  I first saw it on TV a while ago and decided to order it on Amazon a few months ago.
Agreed that Kate Winslet, Joaquin Phoenix and Geoffrey Rush were amazing in it!

I do have "The Hours" on my to-get list of DVDs at this time.


So.. You really sure that the graveyard is a cool hang-out spot? lol..
If I ever do try it, I'll let you know, but don't hold your breath!  ;)

Oh..and..Cool blog!

~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on April 11, 2007, 03:13:47 pm
I went back and watched Quills last night, and loved it all over again!

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i285/Lucise/Misc/7ca89c16.jpg)

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i285/Lucise/Misc/4e690094.jpg)

Joeffrey Rush really is a super fine actor.  But the one person I really could watch forever is Joaquin .. 
His struggles as the Abbe were very palpable, his eyes mirrored the young priest's conflicts so well .. I love his eyes.. ;)
And of course, Kate Winslet was awesome, she usually is!

I wish the movie was a little bit longer .. even though it is already 2hours+..  :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on April 11, 2007, 05:01:01 pm
So.. You really sure that the graveyard is a cool hang-out spot?
~M

Milli, I have had extraordinary experiences in graveyards.   Very Mystical and Very Spiritual~  So I agree that a graveyard is a way-cool hang out spot!  Go for it Phoenix!  There is a lot of comfort for a soul in pain among the dead...

peace  :'(
br. patrick
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on April 11, 2007, 05:30:37 pm
Milli, I have had extraordinary experiences in graveyards.   Very Mystical and Very Spiritual~  So I agree that a graveyard is a way-cool hang out spot!  Go for it Phoenix!  There is a lot of comfort for a soul in pain among the dead...

peace  :'(
br. patrick

I am sure there is, Brother P.  ;) 
Visiting a graveyard would definitely put me in a completely different mindset, that's for sure! 
The last time I really visited a graveyard was when I was on holiday a few years ago.  I found myself wondering about every person lying there, what their lives were like, how they might've died, especially if they were children.    It gives me a whole new perspective on things even though I end up with a pretty heavy mood ..  :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on April 22, 2007, 02:30:07 am
Nothing's more painful than the tearing stab of jealousy in your stomach.


God should of just made him gay
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on April 22, 2007, 10:29:41 am
{{Phoenix}}
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on April 23, 2007, 12:18:00 pm
But that is not how things turned out. It does not mean he is any less of a person, it does not mean he can't be your friend.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on April 23, 2007, 10:31:06 pm
sorry...its just hard to watch him makeout with some cheap slut he met an hour before.


That was rude, sorry.

I'm going to a Shrink. I will tell you guys what's been up soon  ;)

love, Phoenix
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on April 24, 2007, 02:45:28 pm
That is good, my time of the couch was an uplifting experence in the long run, some tuff work sometimes but it was worth it.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on April 25, 2007, 05:11:31 am
That is good, my time of the couch was an uplifting experience in the long run, some tuff work sometimes but it was worth it.

I've been therapy off and on since 1989.  Permanently since 1997.  If hadn't done this, I don't think that I would be alive to tell you how helpful it is.

sharing your tears ~ :'(
br. patrick
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on April 25, 2007, 02:56:18 pm
sorry...its just hard to watch him makeout with some cheap slut he met an hour before.


That was rude, sorry.

I am guessing that he wasn't doing it to spite you.  :)  He doesn't know how you really feel about him, so he is not thinking about that when he makes out with a girl infront of you.  I know, it sucks ..  :-\


I'm going to a Shrink. I will tell you guys what's been up soon  ;)

love, Phoenix

Good. :) 

Take it easy, friend.
~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on April 26, 2007, 07:33:14 pm
Okay I'm going to summarize this.......


two weeks ago (Friday the 13th, ironically)

Bill spends the night at my house
Tara and her cousin come over, and her cousin is very quiet
Bill flirts with Tara's cousin (Franky)
Later me and Bill are at the Graveyard, smoking, and Tara calls me
She wants me and Bill to go to Tara's house to 'hang out.'
Bill says he would like to, because he's horny!
I down 10 painkillers in a fit of anxiety (Bill's arm was around Franky)
THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We go to the playground, i feel the jealousy and the pills eating at my stomach
I sit and willingly watch Bill and Franky make out right in front of me...................
I start crying to Tara (who doesn't know about my love for Bill)
I make some excuse, and i feel like shit
Luckily, Bill and Franky don't have sex
I'm pissed off after we leave, and Bill knows it
I was in horrible shape
I told him about the pills and how i thought of suicide
He thinks i have unexplainable emotional outburst and doesn't know its HIM
He puts his hand on my chest and tells me to breathe (to see if my heart was racing)
He rubs my back passionately, and (while looking me in the eyes) tells me to never do that again
I agree, and i actually gave a front hug this time, but he accidently choked me with his shoulder, LOL!
We go to sleep (well, i kinda did)
Next morning, while he sleeps, i listen to music and cry
he had to go home after just one day..
We drop him off, i go inside his house (no one was home)
he let me borrow two games of his..
I gave him another front hug, and i apologized
"for what?" he asked, and i said 'everything.'
He walked me out, waved at the door, and i knew i was going to break...
I get in the van and i have an emotional breakdown
I felt horrible, crying, all the jealousy, and the pain of seeing him wanting and having another!
Unfortunately, Brokeback was on TV, and i decided to watch the ending...
I cried more, and went to smoke at the graveyard
He called me that night
Then the next day


Monday 16th-thursday 12th

We stay after school together for the play, and i feel good about that...

more later
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on April 26, 2007, 08:36:24 pm
Phoenix ~

I know we have never met face to face and may not 'know' each other, but if I may offer some advice..

I'm pleading with you..

*Please*..

Don't take pills like that again. 
My heart sank when I read about the pills and thought of suicide.. :(

I know that everything is overwhelming you at this time but I do hope that your therapy is helping. 
At some point when you feel abit more secure about things, it would be a good idea to start thinking of telling Bill how you feel.
You don't have to tell him all at once, of course .. See how things go with your therapy and then maybe you can decide then.
There is no way he can know that he is hurting you when he kisses another or sleeps with someone else.  :-\

What you are going through is by no means easy, but rest assured that others have been in those same shoes you are in now, and they have overcome the pain and survived.  You will too.

Hugs,
~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on April 27, 2007, 01:45:54 pm
*Please*..

Don't take pills like that again. 
My heart sank when I read about the pills and thought of suicide.. :(

I totally agree with Milli.  I can't even count the number of men I have fallen in (lust) love for over the past 30 years who couldn't (or wouldn't) return my feelings.  I've also been at the point of suicide.  God wouldn't let me and I'm sure glad he didn't because things are SO much better now.  When you're at the bottom, My Dear Boy, the only way to go is UP!  And you are so Lucky that he TOUCHES you!  How I would long to be touched by those I was enamoured with...

prayers & peace  :'(
br. patrick
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on April 27, 2007, 03:08:31 pm
I can relate to how you feel. I have been thru the same thing myself when I was you age, and older. Finally when I was 30 and still going down that path I saw a psychiatrist. Just hearing myself talk helped me immensely, and I worked thru it.

Bill would not hurt you if he knew what he was doing was the source of your pain. I know how much you care for him, but the truth is he mostlikely is straight. My doctor helped me realize that wanting something I could not have was a form avoidance, keeping me from ultimately committing to someone who cared for me.

I know it hurts, but Friend you know what would hurt worse? Ending it all too soon, and never getting to see the beauty and wonder of this life you have.

Bless You.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on April 29, 2007, 05:53:35 pm
Thanks :(

i've been hanging in there.

On Wednesday (4/18), Bill stood up to Jackie and explained to her how she hurts him. I guess Jackie cried and that she has been softer on him ever since.

Part 2

Friday 20th (4/20!)

Our school was in lockdown, because someone found a hit list in a girl's restroom (the girl who did it is a friend of mine on myspace.) We were stuck in 3rd period for 2 hours while cops opened EVERY locker. I was to give Bill a ride to our house after school/play rehearsal, but his mom came and picked him up because of the school panic. Jeez.

Well, i was pissed off because he left and i was not told. I had a teacher call the office, and they confirmed his departure. I was depressed. Keli (a mutual friend) was suppose to hang out with us, and spend the weekend, but she didn't come to school! I was pissed.....

Well, i called Bill's mom and she told me to call her home. I do, Jackie picks up. She's nice, but Bill's busy. Me/my mom/My sister bitch about nothing till Bill arrives on Jackie's motorcycle with Jackie at the wheel! LOL. Awesome entrance.

Bill admits to me that he never gets tired of saying that I'm his best friend...

We were in the kitchen and he gave me a hug out of nowhere, and i gave him a hug back, but i hurt his sun burn and i felt so bad.

Later that night, me and Bill go off to meet Keli, and Jordan (another friend) in town.

We all get high (my first time!)

When its dark and we are walking around, Bill tells me to 'come here.' I go over to him and he puts his arm on my shoulder, and gives a fake kiss on my cheek. His lips didn't touch my face :laugh:

It was cool. We all just hung out, and then we all just crashed at my house for the night.

Saturday

Keli leaves. Me/Bill/Jordan hang out. We all get high AGAIN! Jordan leaves. Me and Bill hang out.

Jordan comes back, and spends the night, because he didn't have a ride home from work.

Bill talks to TARA'S COUSIN TILL 5 IN THE MORNING ON MY PHONE. I WAS Sitting here, pissed/jealous/sick. I kicked him off at 5. He asked if he disgusted me, and i said no. He said 'if you want to hit me, hit me' in a polite way, though. I was upset. I gave him a safe hug (trying not to hurt his sun burn) and i said i was happy for him (he asked Franky, Tara's cousin, out.) :( I made him promise not to talk to Franky on my time, and he agreed.

He asked 'what are you trying to say' when i was hugging him.

Sunday 4/22

Jordan left. Keli comes back over. We get high again. Me/Bill go to my house.

He knew i was upset. He said 'if you start crying-' then he stopped.

Jackie came and got him (motorcycle), and i broke down.

part 3 is coming
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on April 29, 2007, 06:41:52 pm
(Tappps foot on the floor impatiently and consumes and entire bag of potato chips) 8)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on April 29, 2007, 07:01:56 pm
(Tappps foot on the floor impatiently and consumes and entire bag of potato chips) 8)

TRUMAN!

 >:( >:(

tsk tsk tsk!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on April 30, 2007, 04:56:00 pm
Thanks :(

i've been hanging in there.

part 3 is coming

Good things come to those who wait.  I envy the affection he shows you.   Regardless to which way he flies, he is totally comfortable with his masculinity.  Rare.

peace  :)
br. patrick
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on May 18, 2007, 08:56:13 pm
Hey Phoenix!

You've been missing in action around here lately..
I hope life goes well!  :)


~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on May 22, 2007, 10:00:36 pm
to make a long story short...


me and Bill's family WAS fighting, his family sucks. He isn't allowed at my house anymore, and he isn't allowed to call me on the phone...........


I'm being forced to move away from it allllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!

damn it.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on May 22, 2007, 10:03:31 pm
Sounds like a major bummer there bud, when your ready, we'll be listening/reading. Hang in there.

Do you graduate this year? I can't remember.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on May 23, 2007, 04:17:32 pm
When Bill turns 18 (a year from this Sunday!) he's coming to move in with me :D


hehehehehe


but till then, we smoke during school, and have fun flirting with Freshmen girls at lunch.


life isn't bad, but i don't want to move >:(
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on May 25, 2007, 02:07:02 am
See, I told you that "Good things come to those who wait!"


Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on May 27, 2007, 10:12:11 am
Can't seem to stop thinkin' about your good news...
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on May 28, 2007, 07:01:03 pm
I still love James Dean sooooo much.


he's so awesome.

Things are okay, i'm just tired. I'm almost ready to come out to Bill, but IDK. We're moving for sure, and he's going to the Career Center next year (for sure).

I've just been hanging out with friends and puffing the magic dragon. That's been my weekend.

haha, i love music. It's relaxing. Esp. these days.  :D
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on May 31, 2007, 05:00:11 pm
You pothed, don't be getting behind the wheel now.

You deffinalty should have that talk before you all move in together, but you have time. Save your money, your going to need it for deposits on the place and the utilities, and you may need a cosigner since it will be your first place. Be careful out there.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lynne on June 03, 2007, 12:33:29 am
Hey there, Phoenix!

I'm sorely behind reading your blog - will try to catch up with you this weekend, I promise.  I didn't want you to think you were forgotten while a bunch of us were gallivanting out in Colorado and Wyoming!

Four of us had a high-time supper lunch at a place called Sanborn's Sanford's in Cheyenne, which was decorated with all this vintage memorabilia.  I got a couple of snapshots for you using my cell phone, so poor quality (camera batteries were long since dead, sorry...).

(http://athena.divshare.com/s03/thumbs/2007/05/30/787985/787985-534_mid.jpg)

(http://hera.divshare.com/thumbs/2007/05/30/787954/787954-f8d_mid.jpg)

All the best for you, my friend.
-Lynne
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Front-Ranger on June 03, 2007, 10:41:39 pm
Wherabouts in Cheyenne was that? I have to go there!! I have only been to an auto parts store in Cheyenne, in order to buy a pair of tit clamps jumper cables. Since it's only 2 hours away, I need to go there more often!!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lynne on June 04, 2007, 12:22:41 am
Wherabouts in Cheyenne was that? I have to go there!! I have only been to an auto parts store in Cheyenne, in order to buy a pair of tit clamps jumper cables. Since it's only 2 hours away, I need to go there more often!!


Hey there, FRiend Lee!  Here's a link to it including the address:

http://www.tripadvisor.com/Restaurant_Review-g60439-d471823-Reviews-Sanford_s_Grub_Pub-Cheyenne_Wyoming.html

It has enormous portions and includes fried okra and pickles - pickles were better, Brokie tradition of okra notwithstanding.  It's only a few blocks from the capitol building, the Wrangler store, and the Laramie County Sherrif's Office. :-*
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on June 07, 2007, 06:36:51 pm
Thanks! for the pictures, and the postcards in the mail, Lynne and friends!

I'm officially moved, and living with my sister. I don't like it much, but, i brought the James Dean trilogy, because my sister hasn't seen any of his films :o


that's sad.


but she's been kinda mean to me since Tuesday. Moving was HELL, and emotional. All my sister could do is boss me around and bitch and attack me at every little thing i said. She usually isn't like that, but god, I've never had such an abundance of lachrymose moments in such a short time!




















so i came out to Bill on the last day of school


He was perfectly fine with it. And he is still my friend, and he still wants to get an apartment together. I wish he could of stayed with me to talk, but Jack would of bitched if he was too late, so a friend took him home. I was frustrated, because there was so much i had to say to him, that i haven't gotten a chance to say yet. I took a mechanical pencil, and broke it. Then took the plastic from it, and gave myself a long scratch, going up my arm. I was so upset. Then i was scraping my arm against cement until blood came. Stupid, i know.

but i'm better now. Yesterday i cried a lot, and today i've been okay. Better perhaps. Bill's called me, and he might call again tonight. Hopefully. I've been kinda bored.

waiting to go back to my old home. I don't like this new town, that much. I'll try....

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on June 07, 2007, 07:03:53 pm
so i came out to Bill on the last day of school

 :D!
Well...well!
I am glad you made the decision to tell him and did!  Good on you!  And glad to hear that he took it all well.  :)
How do you feel now?  Bet you don't feel like you're hiding a huge part of yourself from someone you care for so much.
That is great!!  :-*

Take care of yerself!

~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on June 07, 2007, 07:14:27 pm
Phoenix,

I am a tad worried about you. Please remember that your life won't always be like this and you won't always feel this way. Don't do things to your body and mind that are permanent, trying to escape a temporary pain.

{{}}

Jess
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on June 07, 2007, 08:54:01 pm
Phoenix,

I am a tad worried about you. Please remember that your life won't always be like this and you won't always feel this way. Don't do things to your body and mind that are permanent, trying to escape a temporary pain.

{{}}

Jess

Which brings me to my next point ..  :)
Jess is so right here.  I can't say it any better than she has already done!

Like I said before, do take care of yourself.

Hugs,
M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on June 08, 2007, 01:06:40 am
I knew this woman once, she had an addiction problem. She was addicted to alcohol for sure, she was also addicted to adrenalin. She got a rush out of her coming out. To her husband, parents, coworkers. It was an amazing an wonderful blossoming. She totally got off on it.

Then she ran out of people to tell. She then became confrontation toward people for not continuing to praise and support her to her face. Hell, they were busy with their own lives. They were happy to see her go on with hers, hey she was cool with them.

She turned into a total bitch toward everyone and ended up moving away. When we get together now we recount her exploits and wonder what she is up to. No one ever bothers to find out.

So what does this have to do with you? Friend I think you have invested a lot emotionally with Bill. You obviously care for him a great deal. Perhaps the reaction of your coming out was not as fulfilling as you thought it should be? Perhaps your hurting yourself like that it so type of pentance? I dunno, only you can figure that out.

Remember this: If you are not going to be good to yourself, do you think anyone else will be? Respect yourself is what I am saying. Face the reality that your friend accepts you for who you are. That is a wonderful thing. And I am proud of you for taking this step.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on June 08, 2007, 03:38:17 am
Phoenix,
I too am happy ... but concerned.   I just know things are going to work out for the best.  We all love you here!

Hooray!  :D
br. patrick
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: ifyoucantfixit on June 08, 2007, 03:41:45 am


         What Jess said.  That is as obvious a wisdom as you can ever get here..Or probably anywhere else.  This time
will pass,  Be sure you are ready when the rest of your life comes along.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on June 08, 2007, 04:54:02 pm
i'm fine now. And i only hurt myself because i was so frustrated, because he wasn't sitting with me, and listening to what i had/have to say. I was sad, because i wanted to make him understand, but he didn't have any time. Oh well, he's called me everyday so far, so it's cool. I miss him a lot, and i've been thinking of him a lot.

I told Jordan, a guy friend of mine, at Walmart, about my thing with Bill, and he was fine with it. He gave me a hug, but had to go, because he was with some friends, and i was in a hurry.


Bill gave me like five hugs, and told me he loved me, but i was so upset because he was rushing, and such. And i was running on high emotions. That was the last time i saw him. But like i said, we've been talking a lot.


the new AFI list is coming out JUNE 20th and BROKEBACK IS GOING TO BE ON IT!!!!!!!!!! here's the criteria

Feature-length: Narrative format typically over 60 minutes in length.
American film: English language, with significant creative and/or financial production elements from the United States.
Critical Recognition: Formal commendation in print.
Major Award Winner: Recognition from competitive events including awards from organizations in the film community and major film festivals.
Popularity Over Time: Including figures for box office adjusted for inflation, television broadcasts and syndication, and home video sales and rentals.
Historical Significance: A film's mark on the history of the moving image through technical innovation, visionary narrative devices or other groundbreaking achievements.
Cultural Impact: A film's mark on American society in matters of style and substance



Brokeback matches all of them!!!!! But then again, so does Borat.  ::)


I hope BBM is in the top 20

this updated list is adding movies from 1996-2006
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: ifyoucantfixit on June 08, 2007, 05:35:41 pm

        That will be interesting to see.  How much recognition that the film receives this long after the opening.  I bet it will get more attention than that stupid flic that won...What a giant riip that award
show was.  Not one single new thing was gained in that lame attempt...to portray racial bias.
         Glad to see you two are back on a good footing now.  I suppose if you keep that level of closeness you may have a friend for life...But careful about your own acting out behaviors...those can turn people off.
They can get to be afraid to be around you.  Just try: hard as it is to be positive in your approach to dealing with things and people.  Its better for your long term health and connections with friends and family also.  You have too much going for you to waste iit in a state of sorrow, and self destruction.  We are all
thinking of you and hoping for you to find the good way to let your life proceed..  A friend indeed. janice

Borat~~~ funny!!!  stupid film  but i guess you are right,.??
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on June 08, 2007, 07:27:43 pm
thanks.........all of you!


Borat was stupid, but funny. Especially the part when Borat puts Pam Anderson in the sack, LOL!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on June 10, 2007, 03:07:37 am
I thought I'd start a "Coming Out" party for you by giving you two 8"x10" Photos that I forgot I had.  Nothing From "Giant", yet.  (I have many Film books...)   8)

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on June 26, 2007, 01:11:53 pm
thanks


I'm so mad that only TWO new movies were put on the new AFI list.


no Brokeback :(


but, i've talked to Bill everyday since school's been out. We're fine. He's fine with everything. We've argued, though, about nothing. HAHAHA!

i'm trying to get over him...by putting myself through a self-help spiritual session.      :D


but i love him as a friend, and vice versa


peace, and i had a dream about James Dean last night. I bought Rebel Without a Cause (the book  ;)      )
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on June 26, 2007, 01:15:39 pm
Hey Phoenix!

Great to see ya after a while!  :)
I thought of you this morning when I came on here, wondering how you were doing.
Good to hear that things are on track!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on June 27, 2007, 03:33:27 pm
I too am glad to hear you and Bill remain good friends, and I hope for you , soon, a love that will sweep you off your feet or what ever is the equivalent your generation has!

Peace! :D
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on June 28, 2007, 03:16:57 am
I too am glad to hear you and Bill remain good friends, and I hope for you , soon, a love that will sweep you off your feet or what ever is the equivalent your generation has!

Peace! :D

I couldn't have said it any better than that so I'll just restate it for emphasis!

peace ;)
br. patrick
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on June 28, 2007, 09:17:35 pm
I'm waiting! That special man should come any day, and i hope it's today or tomorrow!



my sister's cousin wants to take me to some gay bars to 'get laid.'      :o
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on June 29, 2007, 12:27:14 pm
It is about time you made the trip, but I feel a bit protective of you "getting laid". I find myself wanting your first time to be something beautiful and spiritual, like Aaron and Christian in Latter Days.  (This is not the right scene, but you get the idea)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: ifyoucantfixit on June 29, 2007, 03:11:08 pm



         Its time to watch that movie again.  Thanks for the idea Truman...
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on June 29, 2007, 03:52:13 pm
i started to watch that movie, and i've seen parts of it. Wesley A. Ramsey is hot, though. I think that's his name.


Bill's mom called me a psycho, and another friend of mine's dad called me one too!


i'm going to town to see Bill tomorrow ;D
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 07, 2007, 12:04:19 am
so i saw Bill on Saturday...it was fun.

thats all i got to say about that. Other than we spent so much time just to see Keli >:(


i got high with Bill...and we went walking on the Amish trail (where the Amish ride their bikes and buggies). He's so stupid when he's high, and i can't help but to smile. I felt like the Joker  :D



i'm trying to get rid of this obsession! I can't stop thinking about him. PLEASE someone tell me how i should deal with this. I've told myself that he's straight, but i can't help but feel twitter-patted with him (twitter-patted means 'falling in love' it's from Bambi  :)   )   i think i already fell. that makes me a sad panda

but, i'm trying...

me and my mom argue A LOT. It's an everyday thing now


I'm also trying to get over the jealousy. But it's painful


I've been in the mood to watch Brokeback Mountain lately


i just watched Legends of the Fall for the 1st time

acting: 8/10
appeal: 9/10
effecting: 8.5/10 (i cried a lot, but i wasn't left with anything)
music: 8/10

overrall: 7/10   this is not an average



I watched a James Dean documentary, and it depressed me so much. I felt like i was at the epitome of sadness. His immature death is so sad. I'm reading Val Holley's biography of him. Than i'm reading a fictional book called "The Rebel" which takes place after JD's death and he's been reincarnated and he 'changes the world with his second chance.' He also beds Marilyne Monroe, LMAO!

I think about James Dean A LOT. I'm still trying to get my sister to watch his three movies.

I found some of JD's tv work on youtube! Imagine that...he was good...too good to be true


(http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/6711/jd20rb3.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)



its unsettling how this picture is Jesus-like  :-\

i also found a nude picture of him

I really like Billie Holiday's music

i'm listening to her duet with Louie Armstrong "My Funny Valentine"

beautiful




Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on July 07, 2007, 08:08:09 am
i'm trying to get rid of this obsession! I can't stop thinking about him. PLEASE someone tell me how i should deal with this. I've told myself that he's straight, but i can't help but feel twitter-patted with him (twitter-patted means 'falling in love' it's from Bambi     )   i think i already fell. that makes me a sad panda

but, i'm trying...

time will take care of it....eventually. I know that is small comfort right now.

You need to look at spending time with other people. Maybe if you could meet other gay teens you could find someone else to hang around with?

and I am concerned about the getting high thing, Phoenix. That is NOT a good habit to get into....
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 07, 2007, 11:40:13 am
oh, getting high is just something to do on the side. I'm NEVER going to let it run my life. I want to be successful, and i will be. I'm not going to be a full-time pothead
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on July 08, 2007, 06:59:02 pm

Phoenix
Something for you, as promised on my blog.. A JD wall for ya.


(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i285/Lucise/Fanart/Celebres/8ebd9273.jpg)


The picture on the bottom left was taken on the set of Giant.  I thought I'd add it in here.

Enjoy it.

~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on July 09, 2007, 03:13:00 am
i'm trying to get rid of this obsession! I can't stop thinking about him. PLEASE someone tell me how i should deal with this. I've told myself that he's straight, but i can't help but feel twitter-patted with him (twitter-patted means 'falling in love' it's from Bambi  :)   )   i think i already fell. that makes me a sad panda

but, i'm trying...


I really like Billie Holiday's music

i'm listening to her duet with Louie Armstrong "My Funny Valentine"

beautiful


You need to MOURN your loss of Bill.  I've attached a file depicting the grieving process.   It's not linear.  You don't go from step 1 to step 2 ...  It's also NORMAL to have a hard time with grief.
Everyone is different.  In a way I kinda envy you.  I have to mourn losses which are no longer alive.  The support group here at Bettermost has been great.   If you still feel really, really bad after 3 or 4 months then I would suggest seeing a pdoc (psychiatrist) to get you on some anti-depressants.   They don't take the pain away but they help you cope...  But they also can cause teenagers to become suicidal and I don't know how old you are.  I used my high school counselor in 1969 and came out to him and told him of my struggles.  It was his first year on the job after graduate school.   He sure got a winner with me - but it DID help. So a professional to talk with can really help too.

BTW, Milli's James Dean Wall is superb, isn't it?  SO WAS YOUR's!

I'm also a Billie Holiday fan.  In her 2 disc Collector CD from Decca there is a duet with Louis Armstrong called "My Sweet Hunk Of Trash."  Her cover of "All The Way" in stereo from one of her last recording sessions at Verve is simply stunning.  Her voice was pretty harsh by then but she uses it to advantage on this cut.  For some reason I really get into dead female siingers: Judy Garland, Billie Holiday, Karen Carpenter, Patsy Cline.   But I like k.d. lang too. LOL

If nothing else, remember this:  All of us CARE about you here at Bettermost!

peace~ :-*
br. patrick

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on July 09, 2007, 03:47:04 am
If nothing else, remember this:  All of us CARE about you here at Bettermost!


Exactly.  What Brother P. said!  :)

take care,
~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 09, 2007, 06:31:04 pm
THANK YOU!!! Both of you


i love the JD picture. The one in the middle's from Giant too. But thanks, it's wonderful  :D


i know, i'm actually trying to be harsh and tell myself...i'll try and with the 'steps' i'll be even better, so thank you too  :-*


i'm sorry you've had losses, as i can't fathom what it would be like. I yearn for compassion


billie holiday's voice might of changed over time, but i still loved it. She was great
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on July 12, 2007, 06:13:33 pm
whats with the name change rebel??

xx
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on July 12, 2007, 06:45:08 pm

billie holiday's voice might of changed over time, but i still loved it. She was great

I am guessing you've listened to her song "Strange fruit"..
It makes the angels weep .. :)
So haunting.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 13, 2007, 12:11:46 pm
better have nothing than sadness.


'sadness' makes me feel like a victim.


happy Friday the 13th, last Friday the 13th was the worst day of my life, and i had cried in my sleep.

i've never heard Strange fruit, but i'm downloading it now  ;)


Me and Bill got into a fight. He was undermining my feelings, but i was drinking.....i left a voice mail on his phone that wasn't supposed to get to him (i was going to erase it, and record another one instead) but i accidentally closed my phone. It made him feel like shit, he said, he just wanted to shoot himself, i guess. Finally he knows how i feel everytime i talk to him.


But i didn't mean to hurt him. The whole next day i waited for him to call. Life was hectic that day (yesterday). Everyone was fighting and in a bad mood. I hate my family.


well, when Bill did call me (at 9:30 at night!) he was depressed/pissed off. He told me about the voice mail, and i apologized (as he wasn't supposed to get that one.) Then he said 'that's all i wanted.'


that kinda made me angry. He wasn't apologizing for hurting MY FEELINGS!! And he said he didn't know he did, but when i was on the phone to him the day before (when he upset me) i told him about it, and he even said something that showed that he knew, but didn't care. I don't think he does, to be honest, he just won't admit it. That really pissed me off. What about my feelings? He can't handle ANYTHING.

but then, he's more concerned with our mutual friend Keli, because he told her that i was mad at her....than with me and my feelings. He said he always hurts my feelings, so basically, he was blaming it on me. I told him that i needed to hang up before i said something i'd regret....and trust me, i could of said a lot.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on July 13, 2007, 01:32:21 pm
I can relate to your name change, and I see it as a positive step.

You and Bill and Kelli are all taking steps to learn how to communicate as adults, and it is a process full of trial and error, and some lessons are hard ones. For me it was the ones that come with alcohol consumption. I have left thoses messages too, worse that that.

One day at a time friend, one breath at a time.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: ifyoucantfixit on July 13, 2007, 02:47:00 pm



          A least you are thinking in terms of what you should do.  Many people more especially teens, don't even make concious decisions..They just react.
Some times in a positive way, and some times in a negative one.  So keep thinking before you say something you will regret.  Keep thinking before you do something you will regret as well.   That is a life lesson you have already learned at your age.  Thats very positive indeed.                       janice 
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 13, 2007, 08:23:21 pm
thanks



just got into a fight with my mom. She called Bill's mom and her girl friend "dyke bitches."


i got mad, because that's a homophobic, and rude statement. Why would you say something homophobic in front of a homosexual? She knows i'm gay. But she just kept on raising her voice. I wanted to jump out of the car when we were at the traffic light. I was pretty calm to her until we got home, than i just got nasty. I don't regret it either.


Bill jokingly called me a *****forgive my language*************
















cocksucker today on myspace. We often will jokingly call each other 'bitches' when we're play-fighting. But he's called me things like a cocksucker, and a fudge-packer, and i HATE IT. It really hurts my feelings, and they come out of nowhere. Why would he call me those things, when he knows it would piss me off, and make me feel like crap? When he called me a fudge-packer, i told him that that wasn't nice, and he apologized. But than he calls me a cocksucker......i'm over it, but that stung. And i told him to learn from his mistakes for once.

and he said he would.

but then yesterday he promised he would call today, but he hasn't and probably won't, because he's at Allen's (a friend).


it's pointless
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on July 14, 2007, 12:37:17 am
Bill is being passive aggressive with you....for reasons of his own. But you don't need people in your life that use you to make them feel better....that is not your job.

{{Phoenix}}
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 14, 2007, 09:51:31 am
thank you. I know.. ugh

i don't want to seem like i'm complaining all the time, but this whole past week has been bad.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on July 14, 2007, 02:30:35 pm
Bill is being passive aggressive with you....for reasons of his own. But you don't need people in your life that use you to make them feel better....that is not your job.

{{Phoenix}}

I second what Jess says.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 14, 2007, 09:33:15 pm
well, it got worse. His sister back stabbed me. I called her up on it. She bitched at me. I called her a slut. Bill got pissed. It hurts my feelings, and i'm ready to move on.....


they antagonized me. ALL OF THEM. His sister called me a faggot, i called her a fat whore. They bitch at me for that. Hypocritical???? Yes. We went to the cops and told them to call Bill's sister, and tell her to stop harassing me. They did so.


Bill's taking her side, of course, and i expected it. They are all stupid. And i'm moving on. Though i've been crying all day.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on July 14, 2007, 09:50:56 pm
Ouch! I am so sorry Phoenix...that stinks.

{{}}}
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on July 15, 2007, 12:03:30 pm
You're moving on... and you're not alone, we're right here with you step by step.   Keep talking (typing) it out so we can help in the best ways possible.

{{{Phoenix}}}

I feel your pain...  Your sadness is not only justified, it's downright healthy.   Shout your feelings - we're all here FOR you!

Don't stifle anything.  let it all out.  Freud called this type of talking/writing "free association"  AND IT HELPS!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on July 15, 2007, 12:24:32 pm
Bill's taking her side, of course, and i expected it. They are all stupid. And i'm moving on. Though i've been crying all day.

Big Hugs to you, Phoenix.
I echo what Brother P. said.

Take care of yourself.

~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on July 15, 2007, 02:00:58 pm
They are correct, especially the part about you not being alone.

It is time to move on from Bill, and his drama, remember: Drama takes up a lot of energy that could be better used doing other things.  :-*
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 15, 2007, 03:01:13 pm
thanks  :)

it's been a wrecking week.


this is what happened


I went to see Harry Potter 5 again in theaters, and, before it started, Bill called me from his house phone. Since he called my cel, i couldn't talk, because it would eat away my minutes. But he knows that, so he was obviously very upset, because he usually calls me from a cel (which then it would be a free call). He told me his sister was calling me a bad influence, and that his mom was suicidal (???) and that he was starting to understand Jackie, his mom's girl friend, a little more


Now, Bill's sister, Britney, was a friend of mine. I trusted her, but she back stabbed me. She told Bill and her mom that i'm a bad influence. They BLAMED ME FOR THEIR PROBLEMS!!!! Than Britney was never really nice to me again.

i felt backstabbed and pissed off, and i think i felt justified to leave the following text message on Britney's cel phone.

EXACT MESSAGE:


I now know i cannot trust u.
Why would u tell ur mom
shit that would hurt ur
brother? what a sister u are. and i trusted u???
we know about ur little *sexcapades at majora.
lie all u want. i know it comes natural.



*Britney worked at a nursing home called Majora Lane. SEVERAL people witnessed her having sex IN THE PARKING LOT! My mom saw her!!!! And she even got fired from there for committing fellatio on her boyfriend on the property!!!! Of course she denied it.


I turned off my phone, because i was watching Harry Potter in the theater. After the movie, i had a voice mail. It was BRITNEY YELLING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS "I DON'T WANT YOU TALKING TO WILLIAM. HE'S NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO YOU ANYMORE. AND IF YOU SEND ME ANOTHER MESSAGE LIKE THAT, I'LL CALL THE COPS!!!!!"

now, there was nothing worthy of calling the cops over in my first message. Well, after her voice mail i sent this message to Britney.


Go ahead and call them. Ur a slut. and ur parents are *pot heads.
how are the cops going 2 like that?
u know how many times hes called me upset?
ur dumb and slow


*Bill's told me all his mom and Jackie do is smoke weed. They're pot heads.

So later i send this


U sabotaged mine and Bill's friendship. I've done nothing 2 hurt him.
u should be ashamed of ur self.
u have nothing 2 back up.
AND I WILL HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN.


well, later Bill sent me a message, that i erased, because it upset me too much but it said something like

"fuck you Phoenix, your the one that's dumb and slow. I called you to vent, not to use what i told you as ammo against my family. Call Britney's phone if you want to settle this."

like i was against his family :laugh:
i've told him several times that i'm indifferent about his family. But they do NOTHING but talk shit about me. I don't BS them. I've gotten in several fights with my OWN MOM because she was BSing them and i didn't like it. My mom's called Bill's mom and Jackie 'Dyke bitches' as i said a couple of posts before. And I GOT MAD. I've done nothing to that family, but they've done nothing but cause me pain.


Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: LauraGigs on July 15, 2007, 03:24:41 pm
I think Shakestheground may be right about all the drama.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on July 16, 2007, 04:02:50 am
"If you can't fix it, ya gotta stand it" but the only thing in life that you CAN depend on is change.  This too will change.   It's up to you whether or not you want to be 'used' by someone else to vent their feelings.  Bill's family is not worth YOUR time agonizing over.  Again, the choice is always Yours.   But DO realize that you do have a choice...

Keep typing.  We care and are on YOUR side, even if someone (including me) gives you advice that you do not want.

{{{Hugs}}}

In cognitive therapy there is something called "all or nothing thinking."  Applying this to Bill it could mean it would be good to see his current problem with you as HIS problem.  And it doesn't mean you have to stop your feelings about a person just because they are doing something that is hurting you.  That is always your choice.  Sometimes just realizing that you have a choice about how you want to feel can really help!

Been there, done that  ;)
br. patrick
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 16, 2007, 01:36:08 pm
he removed me from myspace and blocked me from contacting him. I wish someone could contact him for me, but i'm NOT DESPERATE. If he wants his stupid sister to ruin our good friendship, then what can i do?
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shasta542 on July 16, 2007, 02:22:50 pm
My advice for what it's worth: DON'T contact him. It will be extremely hard; it will be a great temptation--but don't contact him. I think you'll be glad if you don't. Find something positive to do that will get your mind off of trying to get in touch.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on July 16, 2007, 04:04:34 pm
I agree with what Shasta says. I know it hurts, but in the long run you will see, he is doing you a favor by cutting you out of his drama.

I still wonder about a guy I was obsessed with 29 years ago. After all the round and round with him I finally got up enough momentum to break free, still last Thanksgiving I was looking him up on line out of curosity. I wish him well, and am thankful I am past that.

Have seen Titanic? Remember toward the end when that creep was looking for Rose among the 3rd class survivors? She hid from him, and it was the last time she saw him. Be Rose, go on and have a beautiful life, it is by far the best revenge. 
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 16, 2007, 04:09:35 pm
that's a good idea, but i wouldn't mind still being his friend, but i can't make him do anything, so, yes, i'll be Rose.   ;)


But i can't promise not being his friend in the future, when he's out of his families house.


he has my number, i don't care much anymore
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on July 16, 2007, 04:12:46 pm
But i can't promise not being his friend in the future, when he's out of his families house.


Yes, the furture is an unwritten book, and I think you have room in your heart to forgive and forget, just remember to protect that heart. (Like with a heart condom, I dunno....)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 16, 2007, 04:15:50 pm
um, okay, thanks

heart condem, haha. But yes, i understand. I'm going to be going to a new school  :D

new friends  :D

keeping my old ones (the ones that didn't backstab me!)  :D


i'm kinda excited
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on July 16, 2007, 05:17:26 pm
Glad you are looking forward to something exciting..

new school, new friends, new adventures, new experiences..
there is so much life to live, so take care of yourself..

(and like Truman said, maybe a heart condom is not a bad idea at all ..   ;))
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on July 17, 2007, 08:21:14 am
I stole this sig from notBastet because it fits and it's true..

no way out but through

{{{Hugs}}}  :-*

br. patrick

P.S. I KNOW you'll make it!  I've got Connections~
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on July 22, 2007, 10:58:42 am
Hey Pheonix,

Did you know in Canada they call coffee creamer "whitener" I think I will adopt that permanently.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 22, 2007, 02:40:35 pm
awesome  :D


so, i did hear from Bill, but i'll update later, because i don't have much time


reading harry potter!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on August 03, 2007, 12:24:46 am
so, me and Bill aren't friends anymore, because i have 'too many problems' and i only 'bring him down.' That's the pot calling the kettle black.


anyways, he said i can rot for all he cares, and i said that i would never forgive him for calling me a fag behind my back (to save himself, of course) and that he was pathetic, worthless and a breathing piece of shit fake liar that is alone.


his rebuttal? he doesn't want to fight, he just doesn't want to talk to me ever again, and yes, i can still rot.  :laugh:



it doesn't bother me as much as I thought it would


any recommendations, please?

i plan on letting him go, but i wrote a very interesting poem about him, but i can't post it here, as it's not nice. BUT IT'S COMPLETELY TRUTHFUL,

AND HILARIOUS!!!

its not very artistic, more fun than anything. If anyone dares a read, PM me :D


i've been listening to Nelly Furtado's 'All Good Things (Come to an End)' 

i usually don't like her music, but i really love this song, it's so smooth.



lyrics




Honestly what will become of me
don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is daily
We are what we don't see
Missed everything daydreaming

[Chorus]
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Traveling I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Dogs were whistling a new tune
Barking at the new moon
Hoping it would come soon so that they could
Die die die die die

Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
Flames to dust
Lovers to friends
Why do all good things come to an end
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to end?
come to an end come to an
Why do all good things come to an end?

Well the dogs were barking at a new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon
And the sun was wondering if it should stay away for a day til the feeling went away
And the sky was falling on the clouds were dropping and
the rain forgot how to bring salvation
the dogs were barking at the new moon
Whistling a new tune
Hoping it would come soon so that they could die.



i love the video too


here it is. Please view and tell me what you all think!







i need some love right now
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on August 03, 2007, 12:32:54 am
poor Pheonix....

I am so sorry that sounds like a horrible fight.

It is hard to be a teenager isn't it? So many things you can't control.

{{{{Reb}}}}

wish I knew some great insight to give you. All I can say is that this too will pass. It will get better. I promise.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shasta542 on August 03, 2007, 12:44:23 am

That's a beautiful song---I always like Nelly Furtado, tho. And I like the video too.

You know, as much as I'd like to be (or at least feel) younger---I'm okay because now I can see what I wish I'd known when I actually  was  younger. Life is so much easier when you cut out the people who are toxic for you. I'm sorry you have to go through the bad stuff---but if you keep your goals for your life in sight--you'll get to the good stuff soon enough!!

Take care and
(http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x221/Shasta542/Hugs.gif)to you!!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on August 08, 2007, 12:28:46 pm
Hey Phoenix,

Dropping you a little hello! 

Hoping you are standing strong (or trying to) and taking care of yourself. :)

Hugs to ya!

~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on August 14, 2007, 11:26:32 am
in a nut shell


-my internet was turned off (i'm at the library)

- we still don't have our own house

-I'm not talking to Bill, but i found some shit out, and i feel sorry for him

-i'm a believer in God now. He's help me get strength to go through (as there's no way but through)

-i've been praying/meditating, and i'll continue to do so

-i'm starting a new school, and i'm looking foward to it.

-i'm still a little sore. Is there anyone out there that is still sore from their first major infatuation
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on August 14, 2007, 03:04:01 pm
Somewhere I missed the part about you loosing your house, sorry to hear about that.

Hey Dude, I am proud of you!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on September 24, 2007, 09:14:37 pm
9/24



The new school's not bad...i like this dude with long hair...he's in my Psychology class. The people here are boring/bland/dumb...i don't belong here...i don't have interesting friends, but i'm remaining positive.

i know some gay people here :D

and in this game i have, you can make out with guys and girls to gain health ;D

i luv it!


i've just been relaxing....loneliness has set in at times
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on September 25, 2007, 08:18:05 am
So like can you hang out with these gay people you have come in contact with or are they not your type?

Big Hug, for our littlest brother:


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on September 25, 2007, 08:43:04 am
The new school's not bad...

You bring up an important aspect right at the beginning... NEW!  and since I have been into definitions lately:

New:
Having come into being only a short time ago; recent; still fresh; just found; discovered; not previously experienced or encountered; different from the former or the old; changed for the better; rejuvenated.

Some thoughts to ponder!  New is GOOD!

{{{[[ {{hugs  & PRAYERS!}}   (((for "The Perfect Prayer" check out my near-death thread))) ]]}}}  ::)
br. p
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on September 25, 2007, 10:01:46 pm
thanks, but i am remaining positive.


Mulholland Drive is the best movie ever! David Lynch is my new favorite director.

Has anyone seen Mulholland Drive? AND IF YOU HAVEN'T, GO RENT IT NOW!!!! it is simply amazing, its very perfected, and slick, and smart, and provoking. I HAVEN'T Marked this much over a movie since Brokeback Mountain!

Mulholland Drive, i cannot ruin, but theres elements to it that would satisfy any Brokeback fan.


if you watch it, WATCH IT ALL, though its weird, and etc...its well worth it. David Lynch loves using symbols. My myspace (which i made) is of Mulholland Drive.

myspace.com/estrangedbloodquill
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on September 25, 2007, 10:32:06 pm
Howdy Phoenix!

Best of luck at the new school.  :)

I haven't seen Mulholland Drive yet.  Will check it out sometime.


Take good care,
~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on October 24, 2007, 11:38:56 am
Howdy Phoenix!

Haven't seen you around here for a dog's age!  :)
Hope you are doing well!
Drop a line sometime, why don't ya..

Cheers,
~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: notBastet on October 24, 2007, 12:34:55 pm
in a nut shell


-my internet was turned off (i'm at the library)

- we still don't have our own house

-I'm not talking to Bill, but i found some shit out, and i feel sorry for him

-i'm a believer in God now. He's help me get strength to go through (as there's no way but through)

-i've been praying/meditating, and i'll continue to do so

-i'm starting a new school, and i'm looking foward to it.

-i'm still a little sore. Is there anyone out there that is still sore from their first major infatuation

Hi,

I have just been reading through your blog... not sure if you're still checking in every so often or not.  (I know I have periods when I am online a lot, and then sometimes, not at all.)   Just wanted to answer your question with a resounding "Yes!"  Not having a strong personal life myself, I try to avoid giving any real love life advice, but I think sometimes there are hurts that never go away, just like there are loves that never go away.  What you have to do, in order to survive, if finds ways to live with (or without) those loves/hurts.  'course there are healthy and unhealthy ways to get over/through things.  I would say it took me probably at least three to four years to really, truly move past my first love (and it was a guy I was involved with my senior year of high school).  Now, those three to four years weren't full of misery, but there was certainly a lot of questioning and sorting out - both my love life, and the rest of my life, in general, and there were bouts of misery, but also bouts of happiness too.

Anyhoo - hope you are well,
nB
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on October 26, 2007, 03:51:07 pm
Howdy Phoenix!

Haven't seen you around here for a dog's age!  :)
Hope you are doing well!
Drop a line sometime, why don't ya..

Cheers,
~M

I just wanted to add "me too" to Milli~!  Have been missing your struggle and hope that things are better now.

PS Isn't Milli's Billie Holiday Sig GREAT~!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 09, 2007, 11:01:49 pm
heyyyyyyy


i'm sorry its been so long!

i've just been kinda ugh


well, i've been just thinking a lot, thats been my life.


i haven't hung out with many people outside of school. The people here are very....shallow, and very NOT ME.  :laugh:

i hate the people here, but i like the school. I've accepted that i wont make any real good friends here like i did at my own school - i'm not being pessimistic, i'm being honest. Its been a while. I've really seen nothing.

I've been very confused about my sexuality, and who i'm actually attracted to, and its odd. I like this guy named Dave in my Psychology, but he's straight...and he's really been trying hard not to get close to me. I think its obvious.

I'm not myself anymore

my life consist of watching movies, i've been watching classic movies such as Sunset Boulevard (which is great) and Bonnie & Clyde (which is awesome).

any recommendations????

i've tried, really, and i'm not being hopeless, just accepting...

people here ridicule me and single me out sometimes...i just attack back. I have some awesome classes like psychology/astronomy/media/honor's English but i feel so alone sometimes...

i want a companion, or someone to obsess over. And yes, my mind does go back to Bill everyday. Well, he hasn't been completely out of my life, its shit how cell phones can connect people so far away from each other.


OH WELL!

i entered a poem contest, but my poem is rather odd. Last years winner wrote like she was trying to be an adult, and mine is very youth (well its a YOUTH CONTEST!!!!)

i won't win ;D

here it is, please read, and tell me what you think and what you think its about!!!


Self

The man with
The smooth mountain range
Is caressing songs on the lonely plain

He died today, I am afraid
A sense of needing,
No one gave
Clenched my soul,
Now plus one,
Together, whole
No matter what was done

At last, the clouds open,
But the rain is not sour,
It's sweet, it's lovely,
In this blissful hour

For one that's dead cannot defy-
One that's dead cannot deny

Earth Shine on the desert moon!
Stoking Pillows on a silver spoon!

Thus the truth came a little late
To save my statue from my fate

Rest forever
He will, in my hold
Singing songs for us-
We will never grow old



---
that's all i can think of right now
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on December 09, 2007, 11:08:21 pm
hi Pheonix!!

good to see you here again. Good to see you are still writing poetry.

It is ok to be confused, it is a hard thing to settle in your mind. Just remember you are still young and have a lot of life ahead of you. These are not near the best years of your life. You don't have to make any decisions right now, just feel what you feel and see where it takes you.

 ;)

I liked your poem but I am not good at interpreting poetry. I have to have stuff spelled out for me!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on December 10, 2007, 06:03:32 pm
Hi Pheonix - I notice its your birthday a day after mine - happy 18th birthday fro Tuesday - if you were in the UK you could have a whiskey to toast Ennis and Jack!  :-*
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on December 10, 2007, 06:09:36 pm

Greetings Phoenix,  :)

Good to see you here again.
Love the poetry - great to see that you are still writing..

Do I read something about a birthday on the 18th?
Sending you (early)  Happy Birthday wishes!

Be well,
~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on December 10, 2007, 07:03:35 pm
Well Pheonix I like your poem well enough to put it on the refrigerator.

Your senior year is half over now, I am sorry things are not working out for you at your new school, but be patient, the world is about to open up for you. Wide open, and you are going to do well.

As for movies I would suggest: North by Northwest, Nobody's Fool, Latter Days, Harold and Maude, The King of Hearts, The Misfits, and anthing else with Marilyn Monroe in it.

Peyton Place, you have to see that one!  :laugh:
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 10, 2007, 07:34:37 pm
haha, thank you all!!!!


yes, happy 18!

but i was held back in 5th grade, so i'm in my junior year :-\

lol! Thats funny, and thanks for the support on poetry...when i have more time i will give AN explanation to it...well, kind of. I don't want to ruin it at all by labelling it a poem of need :)

i've tried to not worry about my sexuality or what people think.


But i did find this awesome girl shirt that says "I'm not fat, i'm knocked up"


HAHAHA! I want it...everyone in my English class made fun but the teacher. Perhaps i walked into that one. He's a hot teacher too. I had a dream he came out of the closet  :o

but he's getting married in a year...but is it to a woman? lol!

ive heard of North by Northwest! I love Hitchcock. Vertigo was so good.

i also love Marilyn Monroe, Some Like it Hot is hilarious.

thanks for the recommendations
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: ifyoucantfixit on December 10, 2007, 08:26:36 pm


            There are loads of great movies to watch from the classic time.  I am not sure how far back
you are talking.  Try The Osbow Incident with Henry Fonda, On the Waterfront, with young Marlon Brando
The Great Escape with Dustin Hoffman, and Steve Mcqueen...thats just a start..  Serpico, and The Godfather I an II.
Those are great movies, not too cheery however in most cases...Streetcar Named Desire, with Marlon Brando again, and Vivien Leigh....it is particularly good.      
             Glad to see you back around.  I liked your poem too.  Seemed like the symbolic death of a person... Or a love...JMO
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Front-Ranger on December 10, 2007, 08:43:27 pm
here it is, please read, and tell me what you think and what you think its about!!!


Self

The man with
The smooth mountain range
Is caressing songs on the lonely plain

He died today, I am afraid
A sense of needing,
No one gave
Clenched my soul,
Now plus one,
Together, whole
No matter what was done

At last, the clouds open,
But the rain is not sour,
It's sweet, it's lovely,
In this blissful hour

For one that's dead cannot defy-
One that's dead cannot deny

Earth Shine on the desert moon!
Stoking Pillows on a silver spoon!

Thus the truth came a little late
To save my statue from my fate

Rest forever
He will, in my hold
Singing songs for us-
We will never grow old

Is it about Ennis? Or was BBM the inspiration for it? LOL, you can tell what my obsession is? There are such vivid images in your poem that it's going to take me several rereadings to even begin to understand it! Especially the line, "Earth shine on a desert moon" turns the world inside out for me! THanks for blowing my mind today, Phoenix, I needed that!!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 11, 2007, 05:08:49 pm
no, its not about Brokeback, in a sense. I mean its not ABOUT the characters in brokeback


but is linked with need



 ;)


and your welcome!


oh...i was going to watch a Streetcar Named Desire, but i didn't get a chance

Dustin hoffman is one of the best! I love midnight cowboy

i'm reading the screenplay to The Talented Mr. Ripley right now  :D

the movie is great!



4 christmas, i'm getting

the books

Midnight Cowboy
Surviving James Dean - which is a gay account on James Dean's life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



AHAHAHAHAAHAHAH!!!!!! i can't wait to read it.
i get to record a christmas concert tonight for internship hours. Its for my Media class.

i heard how awesome Marlon Brando is....but i'm a James Dean fan and i fear i will think Marlon's better

lol! if that makes ANY sense, someone tell me!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on December 11, 2007, 05:14:01 pm
How is your brother getting along? And I remember something about you all having a fire at your house?
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 12, 2007, 08:27:09 pm
which brother? i have 4 of them, lol


yeah, 11 or 12 years ago (on december 11) my house burnt down. We stayed woth my brother's dad, and then we got kicked out on my birthday :laugh:

i was turning 6
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on December 17, 2007, 02:31:42 pm

A little bird told me tomorrow is your birthday.. So..


(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i285/Lucise/Misc/Art/ae658f30.jpg)


I wish you a splendid 18th year!

~M

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on December 17, 2007, 02:44:08 pm
Wow! Pheonix is going to be an adult! Well, I think he is going to make a fine one. Best wishes to you my friend, on lifes journey, no matter where it takes you or what you have to put up with whenyou get there!

I did a youtube search for "Happy Birthday Pheonix" and found the following, which was made for a girl, but wth, the imagery is appropriate...... :-*

[youtube=425,350]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=25jPo8rCYHY[/youtube]
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: ifyoucantfixit on December 18, 2007, 03:22:03 am



                            CONGRATULATIONS  PHOENIX  {on your }
               
    18 th birthday       
                         
                                                                               (http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/White_runsunicorn.gif)

               (http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/party-smiley-049.gif)                          (http://i209.photobucket.com/albums/bb162/ifyoucantfixit/birthdayclipart2.gif)
     
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Front-Ranger on December 18, 2007, 02:43:43 pm
Joe Buck and Ratzo Rizzo want to wish you a very happy 18th birthday, Phoenix!! You have so much to look forward to!!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 22, 2007, 08:12:07 pm
THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i cant really talk right now, but im very blessed by these birthday wishes.

i'm watching The Wizard of Oz

i love Judy Garland!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on December 23, 2007, 06:02:12 am
i'm watching The Wizard of Oz

i love Judy Garland!!!!!!!!
Before Brokeback Mountain, I considered The Wizard Of Oz as my favorite film.  Now, they tie for first place, I guess.   If you are watching a DVD of the film it probably has a commentary track by John Fricke.  I met John in the early 1980's and we used to watch kinescopes of The Judy Garland Show at his family home in Brookfield Wisconsin.  He has become THE authority on anything Judy.  I have TONS of pictures.  You will find pics at:
 
www.thejudyroom.com

{{{Cyberhugs}}}  (it's great to have you back online with us...)

br. p

PS: I have personally autographed pictures of the scarecrow & the wicked witch of the west~!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on January 04, 2008, 12:42:58 pm
Hey Phoenix,

Happy 2008.  :)


~M
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on January 22, 2008, 06:41:43 pm
i'm extremely saddened by the death of Heath Ledger


i feel sick, i don't know what to think


he was my favorite modern actor
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on January 23, 2008, 12:14:25 am
I feel that this sad, sad news will have a very powerful effect on the emotional depths of the Sure to be Classic:  Brokeback Mountain.   I feel it will be easily as important and probably more so, than the  James Dean film, His "Rebel Without A Cause"   James transcended generations and I believe Heath will as well.   There are only a few of actors who died young yet they continue to affect us.  James Dean, Marilyn Monroe, River Phoenix and now..

Our Beloved Heath ...   :'(

Eternal rest grant upon Heath, O Lord
and let Perpetual Light shine upon him;
May his soul and all the souls of the faithful departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.

AMEN~!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on January 23, 2008, 03:11:57 pm
He was one of them, and we should have known it.
Should have seen it but we were so dazzeled by him.
He was James Dean, Montgomery Cliff, Sal Mineo, Jim Morrison, John Belushi, River Pheonix,
He was on fire and we loved the fire so much,
We never stopped to consider the source.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on January 23, 2008, 03:29:44 pm
He was one of them, and we should have known it.
Should have seen it but we were so dazzeled by him.
He was James Dean, Montgomery Cliff, Sal Mineo, Jim Morrison, John Belushi, River Pheonix,
He was on fire and we loved the fire so much,
We never stopped to consider the source.

What is making me feel really strange is that I made vows as a Benedictine monk in 1979 and am in my 28th anniversary year (until November 1st).  To think a man would be born, grow up, and change my life in that same time blows me away.  Today is also the 2nd Anniversary of my first viewing of the film.   And how about the full moon....

I can't think straight, I guess I'm still in a state of shock...   (Jim Morrison dated a girl who worked for my mother's restaurant in the 1960's - The Doors have always been my favorite band.)

But like the people you mention above, he has joined that elite group of "The Immortals..."
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on February 27, 2008, 08:21:38 pm
well, sorry for the absence


but, i 've been busy with my school's play. I got the role of the Beast in Beauty and the Beast! yeah, i know! Thats crazy. I'm just trying to relax...just recently watched the Oscars, and they were good this year (for once!)


i was a supporter of Marion Cotillard! And when she won, i almost died.

I'm still shocked over Heath's death. and i nearly cried when i saw him in the Oscar's memoriam...very odd. I've been (sub-consciously) looking for another modern-day actor that will be my favorite. I really like Daniel-Day Lewis, and i just watched MY LEFT FOOT, which was amazing, and very sad/affecting. He won an Oscar for that, as he did last Sunday for There Will be Blood, which is my most desired movie.


haha, i keep on plodding along. I'm doing well, i guess. I'm about to write a 4 page essay on The Great Gatsby, which is a great book.


And for fun, i'm reading Wicked...i love it so far, my school went to go see it, but i was late in notification.    :'(


i'm a HUGE Wizard of oz fan, and i have been since EVER
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on February 27, 2008, 08:41:48 pm
Hi Phoenix....good to see you are doing so well and are involved with school activities! that is good for you...

I was wondering where you had gotten off to. Good to hear things are going so well..

 :-* :-*
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on June 08, 2008, 05:53:46 pm
hi!

whats been up with all of you?

so my plays been over, it as fun, definitely changed me for the better. I'm recently just trying to become a better person.

I still don't have any good friends in my new city, but i'm hopeful. I'm looking for a Summer job, maybe Roofing, but i heard thats HARD LABOR


and btw, i heard wonderful news


BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN IS BEING MADE INTO AN OPERA!!!! OPENING IN 2013!!!




http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=317952&GT1=7701


yay!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on June 08, 2008, 05:55:36 pm
Good to hear from you rebel!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on June 08, 2008, 06:03:45 pm
Good to hear from you rebel!

thanks!

has anyone heard Nick Pitera's version of Over the Rainbow?

its beautiful



its truly wonderful. If you have a few minutes to spare, watch it, you wont regret it!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on June 09, 2008, 10:29:57 pm

has anyone heard Nick Pitera's version of Over the Rainbow?


Good to see you back around again Rebel..   For me, "Over The Rainbow" will always be Judy Garland singing it plaintively in a barnyard with Toto and chickens for an audience and an old rake for her to sit on.   I grew up on a small farm and we had a rake almost identical to the one in the Wizard of Oz.   Judy recorded "Over The Rainbow" many times but the way she sings it in the film is something I will never get tired of hearing or watching.  Here's some old wallpaper from an earlier computer..


{{{Cyberhugs}}}
br. p
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on July 20, 2008, 06:21:41 pm
hahaha thanks!


I saw the Dark Knight


and Heath was amazing. The movie, i need to see again to find my definite position on it. But his performance made the movie.


I'm made that Bravo is showing the edited version of Brokeback Mountain where the SNIT is totally cut out.

that really disappointed me, but i have it on DVD, like all of us ::)

love it so, and i was just checking on my many music videos i made for it

It still has a place on my subconscious
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on July 21, 2008, 05:11:49 am
Good to see you online Rebel!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lumičre on December 18, 2008, 02:37:56 pm

Happy Birthday, Phoenix!

It's been a while..  Hope you are doing well. :)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Front-Ranger on December 18, 2008, 03:09:04 pm
Happy Birthday, Phoenix!

It's been a while..  Hope you are doing well. :)


I second that! Hope you are still smilin most of the time!! We miss your poetry and your stream of consciousness!!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on December 19, 2008, 10:17:15 am
Happy Birthday, Phoenix!

It's been a while..  Hope you are doing well. :)


I Third that.  Where have you been?  I think of you everytime I see James Dean..   Hope all is well.

{{{Cyberhugs}}}

br. p
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on December 19, 2008, 04:29:54 pm
Yes, happy birthday!!!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on December 23, 2008, 09:34:45 pm
thanks  a lot! its been a while, because i've been figuring things out, about myself and everyone else.

i got a part in another play. This time, Marvin's Room. This time, as Hank, the rebel son who is misunderstood and he burnt down the house.  :D

i had at a time was obsessively watching movies to learn but mostly to feel. An emotional stimulus in an unstimulating life

Well,  me and that guy named Bill became friends again, it was quite simple, it took me 5 minutes. He resisted of course, but i'm persistent. I'm not obsessed with him anymore. He's just a friend. We talk

and its weird when you learn things about people you didn't know when they were in your life.

since Thursday (my birthday) i've been really weird. I had a change of heart and mind about everything, and i'm alone as ever. Its horrible, i'm hungry for human interactions, but i'm in a town where everyone plays video games or get high and doing that all the time is annoying.

i'm 19 now, and kinda lost. I for once don't want to rely on movies to make me happy. I've been angry for no reason these days as well. No reason, its just weird...
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on December 24, 2008, 11:18:17 am
i'm 19 now, and kinda lost. I for once don't want to rely on movies to make me happy. I've been angry for no reason these days as well. No reason, its just weird...

the holidays are a hard time for a lot of people because you are SUPPOSED to be happy.   I just take it a moment at a time.  It so good to hear from you again~!

Oh, the things that I did when I came out at 19 in 1973..   (Blush)    :P

{{{Cyberhugs}}}

br. p
Title: Great to see you here, Phoenix!
Post by: Lynne on December 24, 2008, 09:54:31 pm
Hey there, Phoenix!

It's really great to see you on-line, Phoenix.  I've missed seeing you around, and somehow your birthday completely escaped my notice.  Please, please, please, accept my very best wishes for a ...

Happy Belated 19th Birthday!!

Nineteen is quite the important age in Brokeback Mountain, which I'm sure is on your mind to some extent.  I'm glad to hear that you and Bill remain friendly but the stress level has been dialed down a bit.

Definitely, like Brother Patrick said, the holidays can be really hard.  Emotionally alone even if you're not physically alone, out of step with the people around you.  I met up with some Brokies a couple of days ago - which was fabulous - but I'm back at home now, missing my family a little bit, indulging in some peace and quiet for the next several days, reminding myself that I wanted this.  Hang in there.  If there's one thing we can count on in this wacky world of ours, it's that things change, and often faster than we're ready for.

::)

Congratulations on pursuing your drama and the role in Marvin's Room!  It sounds like it would be really challenging (I don't have an artistic bone in my body!), but I bet it completely suits you -

not that you're troublesome  ;),

but that you can probably empathize really well.  Best of luck with it.

All the best, my friend, and please don't be a stranger!  You always have a home here at BetterMost.

-Lynne
 :-* 8)
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on February 21, 2009, 08:29:21 pm
a very late thanks!


whats up with everyone?


its been a couple of months mainly because i've moved another time and we just got internet again, but i'm happy to be on!

first and for most i'd like to say that i am a movie fanatic! I'm taking a class called Literature As Film and its watching movies...and thats pretty much it. I love it, and the teacher is great, though everyday she says something inaccurate and i feel bad - but i don't want to correct her because that would be rude, and i don't want to look like a jackass.  :laugh: Nor do i want to completely steal spotlight from the head of the class...lol

I'm in another play - its the musical Seven Brides For Seven brothers, and i hate it. I don't have a good part, but putting that aside, its a very superficial play and at this time in my life i love mystery, messages and playing interesting characters. None of that is here. Its overtly conservative, and I KNOW I'M LOOKING TOO FAR INTO IT, lol, because its suppose to be a rather one track play, but i can't do just one track. I want a deep character to play...like Ennis Del Mar :) maybe in the opera version of Brokeback that is coming out in a couple of years.


on a personal note, i'd like to say that i have been lost lately. I feel very dumb, and out of place. I'm 19...i've never had a job, and i can't drive. I don't think i could balance school and a job, so i'm waiting to graduate first, and speaking of which - i don't know what i want to do with my life. I'm not a lazy person. Being lazy absolutely drives me insane...but i feel very ughh.

oh well, just wanted to update on myself and see how everyone is doing

and BTW, in honor of Heath Ledger's Oscar tomorrow (he has to win!)

i made another Brokeback Mountain music video. I needed to make this one for about a year and a half now, but here you go



it uses the song I Love You by Sarah McLachlan. Critique it if you watch it, thanks a lot!





Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Lynne on February 22, 2009, 11:16:28 am
Hey there, Phoenix,

It's great to see you online again!  You have been missed.  I can't watch your video just now, but I will come back and watch it tonight.  Your literature as film class sounds really interesting.  I have developed an interest in the technical aspects of film, especially audio, soundtracks, scores, since Brokeback Mountain.  And once in awhile I toy with the idea of writing.  Nothing wrong with dreaming.

 ;)

I'm not familiar with Seven Brides For Seven Brothers...even though you find it boring, I'm psyched that you're pursuing your interest in drama. 

Quote
i've never had a job, and i can't drive. I don't think i could balance school and a job, so i'm waiting to graduate first, and speaking of which - i don't know what i want to do with my life. I'm not a lazy person. Being lazy absolutely drives me insane...but i feel very ughh.

You are NOT dumb!

You are intelligent and articulate and passionate.  I wouldn't worry too much about not having a job at this point in your life.  Enjoy the freedom.  Focus on school, making good grades, and your hobbies.  Maybe consider some part-time volunteer work if you're feeling unfulfilled?  And I don't care what other people tell you, nobody really knows what they want to do with their life when they're still in high school...Some of us haven't figured it out at 40.

 ;)

I am so glad you checked in - I love seeing you here.  And I'll get back with you about the video later on.  Sarah MacLachlan is a favorite artist of mine.

Lynne
 :-*
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on February 25, 2009, 08:04:06 am
I'm in another play - its the musical Seven Brides For Seven brothers, and i hate it. I don't have a good part, but putting that aside, its a very superficial play and at this time in my life i love mystery, messages and playing interesting characters. None of that is here. Its overtly conservative, and I KNOW I'M LOOKING TOO FAR INTO IT, lol, because its suppose to be a rather one track play, but i can't do just one track. I want a deep character to play...like Ennis Del Mar :) maybe in the opera version of Brokeback that is coming out in a couple of years.

In the 1954 CinemaScope (snakevision) film of 7 BF 7 B, they got into trouble with the Film Censorship board at the time.   It is when the men are locked out  The refrain of the song is "A man can't sleep, when he sleeps with sheep."  The censors thought that was too kinky (implied).

The film is considered a Musical Classic.  I hope someday you get the chance to see it.

What ARE you into?   Film Noir?

{{{Cyberhugs}}}  and great hearing from you~!

br. p
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on February 25, 2009, 06:59:05 pm
THANKS! and i love all movie genres. I could never limit myself with movies.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on February 25, 2009, 10:33:38 pm
THANKS! and i love all movie genres. I could never limit myself with movies.

Glad to steer you in that direction.  The film has an astonishlngly butch and acrobatic 'dance off' between the brothers and the straight laced town folk.   I think it's one of the best dance numbers ever put on film and I'm not alone in saying that.

Again, great to have you back..

{{{Cyberhugs}}}

br. p
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on May 25, 2009, 04:40:52 pm
someone PLEASE tell me about life after high school!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on May 25, 2009, 05:01:17 pm
someone PLEASE tell me about life after high school!

it gets a WHOLE lot better. You will have so much more freedom and opportunity. Most important you will be able to choose who you have to deal with every day. No one can make you be anywhere or do anything...yes you have to work but you CAN get up and walk out...although it is best you don't, having the knowledge that you CAN will be so freeing inside.

{{Phoenix}}
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on May 25, 2009, 05:36:54 pm
it gets a WHOLE lot better. You will have so much more freedom and opportunity. Most important you will be able to choose who you have to deal with every day. No one can make you be anywhere or do anything...yes you have to work but you CAN get up and walk out...although it is best you don't, having the knowledge that you CAN will be so freeing inside.

{{Phoenix}}

yes, I think thats quite a good description Jess.

I think those that say that school days were the best of their lives were the jocks and cheerleaders who had not a care or issue in the world and reached their peak in high school.

Enjoy Pheonix! Its the beginning of a new chapter!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on May 26, 2009, 06:54:39 am
thank you, because i'm worried about everything...and yeah, High School sucked most of the time :laugh:
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on May 26, 2009, 07:19:39 am
thank you, because i'm worried about everything...and yeah, High School sucked most of the time :laugh:

well it is easy to say dont' worry, but try to think, "Will this matter in six months?" and if it wont' then let it go. You cant' control everything so worrying about it won't help.

I've lived thru some bad stuff, Phoenix, and the truth is it DOES get better...and for me the older I am the happier I am..leaving that teenage stuff behind is SUCH a relief..

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on May 27, 2009, 12:35:37 am
Just take things a day at a time.  More responsibilities are rewarded with more freedom.  You'll do fine.  You've got a good head on your shoulders!

{{{Cyberhugs}}}

br. p
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on June 01, 2009, 10:13:04 am
thanks a lot you guys, it helps. Its scary i think, but i want to be successful. I just graduated yesterday and it was a rather sorrowful delight to see everything done with i guess...


oh well! I have a job lined up,though i'm fearful i might lose myself amongst the labor, the idea scares me
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: injest on June 01, 2009, 07:04:39 pm
thanks a lot you guys, it helps. Its scary i think, but i want to be successful. I just graduated yesterday and it was a rather sorrowful delight to see everything done with i guess...


oh well! I have a job lined up,though i'm fearful i might lose myself amongst the labor, the idea scares me

oh no, you wont' lose yourself...you will FIND yourself. I know it is scary, you are going from a structured environment where you knew everyday what was going to happen, and what was going to happen next year to wide open spaces...

but you can do it. You will love it. You will forget being afraid soon enough....well maybe not, but everytime you overcome your fear, you will get stronger and more confident.

good luck, Phoenix!!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on June 02, 2009, 07:58:03 am
Yes! Good luck Pheonix!!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on June 03, 2009, 08:06:53 am
You are headed straight on into adulthood - and that is a very good thing.  For one thing you will have much more freedom in what you are able to do.  For me, work at your age was great because I was getting paid for something that I really liked doing - even if it was a cook in a truck stop.

Vast Vistas are opening.   Stay in the moment so you can take it all in..  And enjoy!

{{{Cyberhugs}}}

br. p
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on August 11, 2009, 01:02:56 pm
thanks a lot!


now, i wanted to ask some things and rant a tad. I'm being serious, though it may sound ridiculous.


First, i have to say lately that i've been afraid to lose my creative side, and that i'm truly going to become boring and forgettable. I was wondering if anyone else had this problem? Does creativity = spacey and in the zone, or what does it mean? lol sometimes i feel stupid and common, my minds been a full time job this summer, figuring things out, hating, loathing, and being jealous. I'm working through the jealousy, but its like ripping carpet up from the floor. I want to know if i am going to be creative or not?  :laugh: thats such a dumb thing to say, but i feel like i'm losing all self worth and individuality. What is creativity?


okay, well anyways...i have a guy friend i met online. He's nice, but i must say i don't see him as someone i'd date. He's just somebody else, and i feel bad for him, but i think he'd just bring me down. Not very nice to say, but thats my true feelings. I don't like him, should i tear the ties? i need guidance! lol We've met in person a few times. I always thought i was someone that could love everybody, perhaps thats just a young age curiosity.

i just wanted to update on myself. I don't have many people to look up to. Trying to find it in myself, because i'm trying to only prove myself to myself. Ha, myself.


I watched My Beautiful Laundrette, because of the promise of a gay Daniel Day-Lewis. The movie was half bad, but i really liked the relationship between the two leads, very sensual.

i want to make movies, badly. I have two more Brokeback music videos i've made, and they are different from my others, i wanted to know if people would watch them and comment back? I want to know if i'm heading in a good direction.

this ones to Love by John Lennon




this one is to Sad Clown by Sarah McLachlan




i like to experiment with music and movies A LOT. If anyone really wanted to share any personal favorite artists or movies, i'd like to further educate myself in both (and i'd gladly do the same!)

thank you guys a lot, i needed someone to write to :)

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: milomorris on August 11, 2009, 01:39:12 pm
First, i have to say lately that i've been afraid to lose my creative side, and that i'm truly going to become boring and forgettable. I was wondering if anyone else had this problem? Does creativity = spacey and in the zone, or what does it mean? lol sometimes i feel stupid and common, my minds been a full time job this summer, figuring things out, hating, loathing, and being jealous. I'm working through the jealousy, but its like ripping carpet up from the floor. I want to know if i am going to be creative or not?  :laugh: thats such a dumb thing to say, but i feel like i'm losing all self worth and individuality. What is creativity?

What is creativity? I don't know if there is a definitive answer to that, but I can certainly offer a description.

I'm an opera singer. So for me creativity means putting my own personal interpretation into the music that I sing. It also means looking at the character through my own eyes, and rendering him onstage in a way that communicates clearly to the audience what I think the character is going through. Combined with my own interpretation of the music and the character are the director's and conductor's ideas on the same. Frequently, I am left on my own regarding musical and dramatic choices, other times the conductor and/or director has a specific way they want me to do things.

okay, well anyways...i have a guy friend i met online. He's nice, but i must say i don't see him as someone i'd date. He's just somebody else, and i feel bad for him, but i think he'd just bring me down. Not very nice to say, but thats my true feelings. I don't like him, should i tear the ties? i need guidance! lol We've met in person a few times. I always thought i was someone that could love everybody, perhaps thats just a young age curiosity.

It ain't your job to like everybody. And sometimes people come into our lives that are not relationship material. If you really don't like the guy, why are dealing with him at all? If its just for the sex, that's OK, but be honest with yourself and him about your motives.

i want to make movies, badly. I have two more Brokeback music videos i've made, and they are different from my others, i wanted to know if people would watch them and comment back? I want to know if i'm heading in a good direction.

this ones to Love by John Lennon




this one is to Sad Clown by Sarah McLachlan



I'll have to check these out when I get home. Computer at work has no sound.


i like to experiment with music and movies A LOT. If anyone really wanted to share any personal favorite artists or movies, i'd like to further educate myself in both (and i'd gladly do the same!)

I have no skills when it comes such things...nor the software to do it myself. But had an idea for a BBM vid a couple years ago as I was waiting for a bus to a rehearsal for an opera I was doing in Houston. It would be a video of all the happy moments between Jack & Ennis set to Kelly Clarkson singing "A Moment Like This."
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on August 12, 2009, 04:17:56 am
Hi Rebel!
Hope you are well.

I can't see youtube vids at work unfortunately.

I'd let the guy down gently bit by bit and fade out of his life. If he's needy the sudden stop may make it worse for both concerned so just wait a bit longer to send that email, dont go on to MSN as much when hes on (or block him.. he'll not know that you've done it and it'll look like you're just not on msn when hes on.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on August 12, 2009, 06:26:00 am
Rebel~!

The very words that you write are those of one infused with creativity!  Creative people ask questions about things.  And if your into making you-tube videos, I envy you for that!  I, myself, do video editing with the final product burned to a DVD.  I also play keyboards and have composed 5 volumes of music for the monastery.  As for the guy.. take his feelings into account and STOP.  The sooner the better.  :-\

All of what you are experiencing is perfectly normal.   Take comfort in that.  ;)

{{{Cyberhugs}}}

br. p
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on August 12, 2009, 11:05:43 am
thanks a lot you guys, i think i know what to do now. Milomorris, i like your idea of creativity, opera singer? Thats really cool, i bet that takes a lot of concentration and skill. Do you like Paul Potts? i love his voice, have his CD. I've been really listening to a lot of music these days.

work work work! You guys work so much  :laugh: i almost can't wait to work, so i can have money to be the person i want to be (money is not needed, but of course it helps).

Kelda, thanks, i have been talking to him less and less. I really feel bad for him, though.


and Br. Patrick, thanks a lot! I always ask (thus i must be creative, lol...) I love editing, especially Brokeback music videos, the movie is always fresh in my mind


thanks alot!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on August 12, 2009, 02:03:02 pm
aye you work to live not live to work Rebel!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: milomorris on August 12, 2009, 03:47:31 pm
The very words that you write are those of one infused with creativity!  Creative people ask questions about things. 

Most definitely. Rebel's creativity is an innate characteristic. Its in him.

I also play keyboards and have composed 5 volumes of music for the monastery. 

Have you written anything that a guy with a low voice can sing?
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on August 13, 2009, 11:04:28 am
Have you written anything that a guy with a low voice can sing?

Most of the Inspired music that I wrote was for monks with very little vocal range.  I wrote hundreds of Antiphons with the Cantor beginning (and there is where I could use Bb - Eb) but when it came to the monks response, I was really limited from C to about A# or Bb.   But since I can play in any key it worked.   Never tried composing music BELOW Middle C at all.   What type of music do you like?  Send me some metered verses and I could attempt it.  *I don't write the words or verse, and often had to adapt what I was given to punctuate the music.  (Making the words hape proper musical stresses..)

..but what I really like to do is pick a key, decide if I will go up or down, close my eyes, and then just JAM.  This came in handy for background music for appropriate rituals.  I could stop EXACTLY when I needed to - something I have always treasured as my special gift.

I'm an amateur musician, had 3 months of lessions when I was 10 years old that didn't work because I was living with my father and the piano and practice were at my mother's house.  I never stopped playing though and can play by ear.  If I hear a song played, I can play it (with my particular limitations)  Played 4 times a day in the monastery from 1978 until 1997.   Then TOOK 10 YEARS OFF!

{{{Cybercurious}}}  ::)

br. p

Thanks Rebel for letting me borrow your blog.  One thing I forgot to tell you.   Creative people are a strange lot - often called crazy because we don't think like they do.  And that's OK with me.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on August 17, 2009, 06:54:16 am
Here's Rebel, Rebel, backstage in Giant.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Front-Ranger on December 19, 2009, 12:12:29 am
Happy birthday, Phoenix!!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: RebelWithASmile on March 11, 2010, 12:18:01 am
a late thanks for the Birthday wishes :)

i would like to say that i am totally in an emotional desert. I want to know what this is, but i can't understand it. Its like i have to force myself to feel things. I've been very jealous lately (past year) of a friend of mine - he's a lovely person, but he's priveledged and has an amazing drawing ability and his good looking and i feel that feeling i used to with my older brother - this person is better than me in everyway. It has been so much worse than it is now. But i see how sensitive he is (he was sheltered) and how he picks up things, when usually i was the one to pick up things, a weird hyper perception towards movies/music. He plays my games but is better at them.

i have felt pretty bad about myself lately. But me and this guy have a fantastic friendship - we are very close, he loves me, and i love him. We are not together tho, just together. He knows i want to, but he does not.

sometimes i feel that i can't feel anything, and then i get jealous because he's apparently feeling everything.

i don't understand.
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Front-Ranger on March 11, 2010, 02:43:34 am
Hi, Phoenix! Thanks for giving us an update on your life. It must be very disconcerting with your friend. I hate it when I'm on a different wavelength than my partner or the timing's off. But that is the way it often is, sigh. Not very often does that magical Brokeback Mountain thing happen when everything is right, the bluebirds are singing, and the whiskey is flowing.

A person can grow to love another person, though, over time. You can't force it, but it can happen sometimes. That's just my opinion.

Stay in touch with us. Do you still write and compose poetry? You are so gifted in that arena.

Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Kelda on March 11, 2010, 05:48:22 am
Ditto to what Front Ranger said!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Br. Patrick on March 11, 2010, 08:08:57 am
When I was your age I had many phases of trying to figure out who was me.  I emulated people I liked and became what they wanted.  Then I moved into a Commune and did the same thing and was called on it because I was told I seemed like different people with others.  It was said with love so I took my favorite qualities of them all and made them mine.   It's perfectly normal to "become" oneself.   It's a process.  You'll come through  OK.

Love and Prayers,

br. p
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Front-Ranger on December 18, 2010, 02:08:14 pm
Happy birthday friend! I wish you many cherries in your cake!
Title: Re: I miss you on weekends
Post by: Shakesthecoffecan on December 18, 2010, 08:07:15 pm
I'll second that!