The lack of endearments

[moremojo]

I was just thinking of something that I'm not sure has been addressed before. Many have commented on the fact that we never hear Ennis or Jack tell each other 'I love you.' In fact, the word 'love' occurs only once in the film (when Cassie tells Ennis, "Girls don't fall in love with fun"), while 'loves' is uttered by Ennis at the end (asking Alma Jr., "This Kurt fella--he loves you?"). We don't doubt that Jack and Ennis are in love with each other, but the verbal expression of this state is circumspect and subtle.

But today I got to thinking that we don't even hear Ennis or Jack compliment one another in the way that lovers are wont to do. We never hear one man telling the other that he is handsome, for example, or that he is a wonderful kisser, or any of the other multiple ways that people in love convey their admiration and gratitude for their beloved. I recall that in the short story, Jack comments on Ennis's strong thighs, and Ennis leaves no doubt that he enjoys his physical trysts with Jack, but there is no comparable moment of verbal affirmation in the film, of which I can now recollect.

This is all consistent, of course, with the deficient vocabulary both men have in expressing their complex emotions for one another, compounded by Ennis's innately taciturn nature. But I think it adds another level of poignancy to reflect that these little endearments, taken for granted by so many lovers, might have remained alien to Ennis and Jack's experience. I think Jack might have been capable, in time, of expressing his admiration for Ennis, but may well have remained silent for fear of Ennis's reaction (after all, in Ennis's mind, the two of them are just straight guys who have this strange "thing" that "takes hold" of them). Such effusions would have been tantamount to an admission of "queerness", and Jack would have known this. I have little doubt that by story's end, Ennis fully and consciously appreciates Jack's beauty, along with the love he shared with him, but by then it was tragically too late to express this to Jack.

Scott

[RouxB]

I think that the lack of endearments is as much a function of the place as it was the people. In interviews both Ang and Annie have said that in that place, that culture, people, men particularly, are silent and not verbally expressive. This is most evidenced by Jack, who is so much more verbal yet still does not make that leap-partly because it was where and how he was raised and partly because he knows on some level that Ennis might be scared off.

 

[moremojo]

In interviews both Ang and Annie have said that in that place, that culture, people, men particularly, are silent and not verbally expressive.

True, and this opens onto the underlying theme of how emotionally stunted the men in this particular world are. I think the film functions subtly but effectively as an indictment of how males are conditioned by mainstream American culture. I am thinking of my father, slightly older than Ennis and very different from him in so many ways, but beholden to the same "ideals" of manhood that Ennis imbibed, and possessed of the same taciturn, stoic demeanor. Tragically, like Ennis, my father has not been well-served by these "ideals", and has a lifetime of failed relationships, and emotional distance from his own children, to testify to the effectiveness and sanity of this kind of upbringing.

Scott

[vkm91941]

The strong-but-silent type are thought to be at higher risk for depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and heart problems than guys who are more open with their emotions.  Also those  men stoic in their emotional repression, do not suffer those troubles in silence but instead visit them upon their families in the form of verbal and physical abuse, being emotionally unavalable to their wives and children and upon the world at large such as Ennis reaction to the driver who shouted at him in the street after his argument with Alma.

[YaadPyar]

I also think of my grandmother, who grew up in a time and a world where you just didn't say "i love you".  It didn't mean that you didn't, but that the words didn't need to be said to be felt.

There's an expressiveness and wordiness about intimate communication that I think is fairly recent, and in many ways connected to the pop-psychology movement that began in earnest in the 70s.  People were encouraged to get in touch with their feelings, and then encouraged to express them.  Jack & Ennis lived in a a world that was fairly untouched my these more modern notions.  And maybe it's a shame we don't hear more of it, but as you said, we have no doubt about the power, depth or intensity of their feelings, and I'm sure they didn't either....

I think sometimes we've gotten so used to saying terms of endearment, words of love and praise, etc., that they've become easy to speak and hard to mean.

[serious crayons]

Scott and Victoria, you both note situations in which this male taciturnity goes hand-in-hand with emotional distance from loved ones. But Ennis is always warm to his daughters, and also with Jack, for that matter, despite the lack of verbal endearments. Ennis shares some traits with the classic strong-but-silent type, but he also transcends the stereotype in many ways.

Back to your question, Scott, I think in addition to the other reasons people mentioned, homophobia is what keeps Ennis from putting his feelings into words. And maybe Jack is afraid to do so for fear of freaking Ennis out. But at the end, the word "love" has clearly been going through Ennis' thoughts, which is why it comes up so quickly with Jr. He must be realizing that was the best way to describe what he had with Jack, and probably regrets not having told him.

Then there's the dramatic reason: though I wish they would have said more of that stuff myself, withholding it is just one more way this movie subjects filmgoers to exquisite torture.

[Jeff Wrangler]

I agree with you here, Katherine.

The Ennis of the film is very different from the Ennis of the Annie Proulx original, who calls Jack "little darlin'" after the reunion kiss, though I presume even "Story Ennis" didn't really make a habit of saying that to Jack.

[bbm_stitchbuffyfan]

*bump* I had noticed this before and always wondered about it...

Annie Proulx and Ang Lee are both very respectable for, amongst other reasons, staying true to the tone of the time period and setting. Hats off to them both, and the lack of endearments does make the film feel beautifully understated and even sadder.

[TJ]

According to Annie Proulx, Ennis Del Mar had one term of endearment for his horses, his daughters and Jack Twist which was "little darlin."

I have known many guys, some of them openly gay, who could not tell a male friend that they loved them. But, they could tell a member of the opposite sex, "I love you."

I have had friends who could not say "I love you," or I love you, too," when I said to them, "I love you." But, they would say, "Me, too" in response.

I used to say "Ed, I love you" on the phone when he was at work when he was alive and we lived in N. Hollywood. He was a security guard and if someone else was in the guard shack, he might respond with "You know I do." But, he did tell me to my face that he loved me.