"Brokeback Fever Pitch," "I 'Cowbot", and other sequels....

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Fri Apr 28 2006 03:36:55 )   

"HomoVertiphobiGo"

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

(Agent's note: Stylish Hitchcock rip-off. Right up Brian dePalma's alley.)

After Jack is gone, Ennis has a complete mental breakdown. (Artistically represented by a short clip from the Disney Movie "Fantasia: The Night on Brokeback Mountain." A doctor meets with Ennis to give him his diagnosis: homovertiphobigo - the tendency to experience spatial and temporal distortions when confronted with melancholy, painfully intense, frightening homosexual arousal.

Ennis is in a deep funk, and not even Cassie - who wants Ennis to paint her toenails fire-engine red - can cheer him up. Cassie finally gives up on him.

Ennis returns to Signal and starts visiting the same sites that he and Jack visited: Joe Aguirre's trailor, the little bar down the street--hoping beyond any rational hope that he will see Jack again.

Eventually he sees a gay florist/part-time caterer named Jacques Gyllenhooven with an uncanny resemblance to Jack. Compared to Jack, however, the florist/caterer is much too well dressed, dressing in expensive Pierre Cardin suits and blond, curly, highlighted hair and a full beard.

Ennis asks him out. He buys Jacques clothes like Jack wore (used blue western shirts, a used black Stetson Resistol, used cowboy boots, and worn Wrangler jeans) and urges Jacques to dye his hair black like Jack's. They start visiting areas he and Jack camped together, just as he did with Jack.

Ennis convinces Jacques to shave his beard:

"It would mean a lot to me, Jacques. What could keeping it mean to you?" says Ennis

"Couldn't you love me for who I am, Ennis?" Jacques pleads.

"Just please do it for me, won't you, Jacques?"

Jacques looks uncomfortable but is unable to refuse Ennis. He goes into the bathroom and closes the door. We hear the sound of an electric razor and water running.

Ennis absentmindedly begins to look through Jacques' things as he waits for Jacques to come out of the bathroom after he shaves. On the bedroom bureau, Ennis comes across a small familiar carved animal. He picks it up to inspect it more closely. There is something very, very familiar about it...

It is the same animal Ennis carved in 1963 - a carved animal he gave to Jack!

Eyes widening, Ennis is now fully aware that Jacques/Jack are the same man.

Jack steps out of the bathroom clean shaven, black hair, cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, boots... His hat obscures his eyes. He looks up slowly to meet Ennis's gaze, revealing Jack's silver dollar baby blues...

Outside the room, a green sign light suddenly illuminates Jack.

The transformation is complete!

Ennis can barely breathe as he beholds Jack with a mix of intense sexual desire and unspeakable horror. His mind races as he is left to wonder the purpose of Jack and Joe Aguirre's unholy conspiracy...

The HomoVertiphobiGo returns, rolling over Ennis like sadness over the northern plains...

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Fri Apr 28 2006 03:38:58 )   

“Shall We, Dances with Wolves?”

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

1963

Ennis leads a really dull life... his career in shepherding brings him little excitement. He has a lover named Jack, yet he still feels something is missing as he makes the best of a nasty soul-sucking McJob watching stupid Aguirre's sheep on old Brokeback.

One night, on his evening horseback ride back to camp, he looks up to see a beautiful Native American woman standing in the middle of a clearing. Transfixed by her gaze and her ethereal beauty, Ennis impulsively jumps off the horse and signs up for Native American pow-wow dance lessons... and his whole life begins to change. His dance instructor give Ennis a new name: "Dances with Wolves."

Ennis enters world he never knew existed - the over-the-top colorful world of hardcore, competitive, Native American, pow-wow dancing. It's a place filled with grand passions, bitter rivalries, loincloths, feathers, beads, buckskin, great friends and strange couples and it's about to reignite the excitement in Ennis's life - not to mention the lives of his lover Jack, the flock he tends, and his fellow Basques.

Jack wins the approval of the tribe, who recognize the special relationship that Ennis and Jack share. Jack is given a tribal name, "Bettermost Thunder." The movie ends with the two of them sharing a special pow-wow dance celebrating the great god of the forces of nature.

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Fri Apr 28 2006 03:42:17 )   

"Brokebackin' 2: Electric Buckaroo"

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

1984

Alma Jr. worries about her dad and the deep depression he seems to be in since her wedding. She sends him off to Denver where he meets up with Shabba-Doo Quinones and Boogaloo Shrimp Chambers. Ennis joins a vagabond group of break dancers, walks the dinosaur, checks out der commissar, whips it good - whips it real good, works hard for the money, needs a hero, dances in the sheets, discovers girls just wanna have fun, hangs out with wild boys, and follows his lucky star to a Holiday Inn where he feels like a virgin touched for the very first time.

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Fri Apr 28 2006 03:43:57 )   

"My Life in Cowboy Clothes"(Ma Vie en Rose stem)

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

Jack Twist is a young boy who can't wait to grow up to be a cowboy. He secretly dresses up in his father's cowboy clothes and watches himself in the mirror as he sings songs by Roy Rogers and Audie Murphy. Jack seems to have a fetish for cowboy boots, jeans, and Stetsons. On hot sunny days while doing chores, he prefers to work shirtless, wearing only jeans, boots, and his hat. Seizing upon a length of rope, shirtless Jack knots it into a lasso, ropes a calf, and yells "yee-HAW!" with no regard to his cleanliness. Needless to say, his mother is absolutely mortified.

When Jack's family discovers Jack's secret cowboy identity fetish they must face their own anger and discomfort and the embarrassment of having the neighbors suspect that Jack is a secret cowboy dresser. Jack is sent to see a doctor at local free clinic in the hopes of fixing whatever is wrong with him. A movie that addresses male identity and bad-taste in clothing-choice issues through the eyes of a innocent child.

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Fri Apr 28 2006 03:46:29 )   

“Freaky Friday the 13th, Part III: Jason-Earl takes the Mountain”

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

Friday the 13th, Summer of 1963, Signal

Despite repeated warnings to stay away, a group of teenage cowboys set out to reopen the eerie Camp Silver Springs in the foothills of Brokeback Mountain, which closed 20 years earlier after a series of bizarre and unexplained tire-iron deaths. Now someone in a hockey mask and Stetson hat is lurking in the woods, spying on the Basques, the sheep and the shepherds, the elks, and plotting a gory, grisly revenge on any happy tusslers who would disturb the quiet of the mountain. There is a grisly murder of an innocent sheep after a night of passion, and a stunned Ennis finds the body. And just who is that man watching Jack undress at the creek? Is it Jason-Earl, or Joe Aguirre?

After the tent second tent scene between Jack and Ennis, Jason-Earl chases off the horses, spills the coffee, dumps the soup, conjures up a cute baby bear, and stalks a peeping and terrified Joe Aguirre into the woods. Just as Jason-Earl is about to bring a tire-iron down on Joe Aguirre, Jason-Earl and Joe swap the bodies they inhabit. Joe Aguirre kills Jason-Earl with the tire-iron and now Joe - who inhabits Jason-Earl's body - must figure out how to coordinate his ranger outfits with a hockey mask.

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Fri Apr 28 2006 03:48:21 )   

"A Brokeback Riverdance Runs Through It”

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

Michael Flatley, Lord of the Dance, plays Ennis Delmar Twist in this highly unusual adaption of BBM. The story is now set in Brokeback, Montana 1963. Many of the scenes are set by the beautiful Brokeback River.

Ennis and Jack are now brothers who share a highly unusual relationship. Ennis is the good son, his younger brother Jack rebels against their Pentecostal father, the Reverend John Twist; but they all pretend to love flyfishing. Bisexual Ennis watches helplessly as his wild and gayer brother descends into loan sharking, car sales, and more transgressive sexual acts. The story told in a highly styled series of wordless dances that require the dancers to maintain erect posture while wearing cowboy clogs and keep their hands tight to their sides. This leads to some constriction in the ability of the actors who play Ennis and Jack to interact in any meaningful way during tent scenes, so they are left to spit at each other.

The women are are not too important here and generally stay out of the way of the more athletic male dancers. It all works its way to a final scene with Michael Flatly in a heartbreaking solo dance symbolically set inside a trailer closet. But the Montana vistas are awesome and the dancing is brisk, lively, and reasonably good.

Heath Ledger provides the voice overs.

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Fri Apr 28 2006 03:51:46 )   

"When the Lovesome Doves Cry"

PLOT SYNOPSIS:

Wyoming Rangers Jack Twist and Ennis Delmar are content to live out their remaining years in the tiny Wyoming town of Lonesome Doves Cry. Jack is a young man with a talent for the harmonica. He meets another harmonica player, Appollonia, but their relationship leaves him feeling empty. Jack ditches Appollonia - who has since found the Lord and doesn't seem particularly upset about it - and reignites an old passion with his dear friend Ennis, who tells him about the incredible opportunities for cattle ranching in Montana.

Slowly, Jack becomes aware that he is repeating his father's destructive behavior. In a typical male mid-life crisis, Jack trades his horse for a purple motorcycle. It rains, but not in purple - it's a just symbolic thing, I guess - and Jack gets really wet, symbolizing rebirth and moisture. Jack and Ennis join a cattle drive to Montana. Jack learns by postcard the he has lost Apollonia to Morris Day. Jack urges Ennis to join his ex-wife Alma for one more brief fling in Nebraska to see if Ennis will come back. Ennis hopes for a second chance with her, but since he's really gay and really in love with Jack, he now really knows it is not meant to be.

Utimately Ennis and Jack are forever bound and transformed by their shared experiences with cattle, and forge a union with absolutely no purple reins on this one.

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Fri Apr 28 2006 03:55:03 )   

"Mr & Mrs Twist"

Plot Synopsis:

Mr. and Mrs. John Twist (Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward) are an utterly ordinary farming couple from Lightning Flats with a tedious, rural marriage. There are horses to care for, cows to milk, chickens to feed, crops to plant, wheat to thresh, and other farm chores to do.

Unbeknownst to each other, Mr. and Mrs. Twist are actually highly in demand,high-tech super-assassins. They work for competing organizations and they've been hired to assassinate each other.

The ensuing action comedy is an all-out battle of the sexes with breathtaking chase scenes and enough chaotic mayhem to satisfy the whole family!

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Fri Apr 28 2006 04:00:39 )   

"Sex, Lies, and BetterMost Beans"

Plot Synopsis:

This movie tells the story of four people from Riverton Wyoming who are in their early 30s whose sex lives are totally screwed up. One is a ranch hand named Ennis, who is married to Alma but no longer sleeps with her unless she wears fishing waders. Early in the film, we hear her telling her minister that this is no big problem; sex is not really very important anyway compared to larger issues like who is going to clear the horse droppings from the city streets. Ennis does not think sex is overrated, and is sleeping with his fishing buddy who wants to sleep with Alma.

An old friend of Jack's turns up in town. His name is Randall (James Spader), and he was Jack's rodeo clown college roommate. Nobody seems quite clear what he has been doing in the years since rodeo clown college, but no one asks him questions, because his answers creep people out.

Randall moves in and make a move on Alma. He takes to lunch and orders hot dogs, tacos, and BetterMost beans. Alma says she doesn't think much of sex, but then he tells her something that gets her interested: Randall tells her that he doesn't care much for sex himself. Alma thinks this may be a match made in heaven. Randall is merely using Alma to get to Ennis, for whom he has major legume fetish. Alma finally figures this out and ditches Randall for the more conventional Monroe.

Unable to satisfy himself in any conventional way, Randall videotapes the sexual fantasies of both men and women smearing themselves with BetterMost beans, and then watches them. He then goes on to become a lawyer and joins a Boston legal firm called "The Practice". The series gets cancelled, and returns as "Boston Legal".

[TOoP/Bruce]

by - bjblakeslee (Fri Apr 28 2006 04:06:43 )   

"V for Vitiligo"

Plot Synopsis:

Police investigate the murder of a ranch hand found floating in a swimming pool at the home of faded star in Wyoming.

Six months previous, the victim, Ennis Delmar, was an unemployed ranch hand who blundered onto Rancho Neverlando by evading horse repossessors.

Ennis hid his horse in the barn of a run-down mansion on Sunset Trails Boulevard.

The mansion turned out to be inhabited by vain, reclusive, MTV video star Michael Jackson and his stern yet devoted manservant Prez. Ennis is mistaken for a pet funeral director, and is shown a coffin with the chimpanzee Bubbles in it. Ennis looks into Michael Jackson's face and says "I sort of know your face. You're Michael Jackson. You used to be big." Jackson replies, "I am big, it's MTV that got small."

Ennis takes a job at Rancho Neverlando caring for giraffes and elephants. Jackson gives Ennis a room to stay in on the property, and buys Ennis new clothes to dress up in, making both of them look like space aliens. Jackson insists on taking Ennis shopping for extravagances, making Ennis feel awkward. Ennis begins to feel like a kept man.

Ennis discovers Prez used to be Jackson's wife Lisa-Marie who continues to allow Jackson to live an illusion by writing him fan letters. Jackson dreams that one day he will return to making videos despite his skin condition and legal problems. He is working on a script about how he saves London called "V for Vitiligo."

Jackson sends the script to John Landis but Landis refuses to see him. Lisa-Marie tells Ennis she protected jacko from the truth ever since she, the daughter of a late singing legend, had helped to make Jacko look semi-normal. Lisa-Marie was once his wife.

Ennis gets creeped out by late night UNO parties with people in pajamas. Ennis tells Jacko the truth: that no one in their right mind would ever pay good money to see a Jacko video with a face that looks like a mask. The studio had only been interested in Ennis's horse, and that Lisa-Mairie wrote his fan mail. Jacko goes insane and shoots Ennis dead in the swimming pool.

Jacko is totally wacko now. Lisa-Marie calls the police and tells Jacko that John Landis wants to see him. Jacko redoes his make-up, dons on a fresh wig, and moonwalks past the news crews saying "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. Landis..."