hopefully if you all have done this one before , you'll allow me to introduce myself..i really find this theraputic and so i hope you don't mind...
i am a 59 yr old married straight woman, 4 kids,3 are married, 3 grand kids. Work in an office, pretty typical stuff...
my daughter in law, whom i adore, had a brother that was gay. "J" was a wonderful guy, so smart, so artistic, just a fantastic human being, and the first gay person i have ever had a close realtionship with. I was born into a very strict mainstream domination church..i was taught all the common "hate" speak that that genre clings to...i grew up with the same prejudices that now disgust and sicken me. However, this metamorphsis didn't start until i met "J". I was beginning to pull away from the churches domination and rethinking my whole belief system abou the time i was forced to start spending time with "J" because we moved in with my son and his family while we built our house and "J" was there often, traveled alot, and therefore stayed whenever he was in town. Getting to know him was the best thing that has ever happened to me. He was so wise and didn't once act like i was the enemy because of my former beliefs...we talked for hours and i began to see and feel the pain and hatred he had suffered in his life..he had known and lost love, had been rejected by memebers of his famiiy, and on an on, as some of you can relate to...he also had aids...he had been diagnosed 13 long years ago and had been in on the first testing of expermental drugs..he had maintained a relative healthy lifestyle for all those years and was doing very well until about last june, then started to go into a downhill spiral that ended with his death in August.
I have never missed anyone so much....and then i saw BBM. all of my defenses came falling down...the "new, better" attitude i thought i had built over the last few years just became so much fluff...just words...i really meant well, but i did NOT get it until i saw BBM...i wish SO much i could see this movie with "J"/ THat we could talk about it and that i could tell him that i really really get it now...i get all of it..i understand, i am sorry, i want to hold him and see him and i just miss him so damn much and i can't do any of that and it is tearing my heart out....
i watch the movie over and over and in it i see "J" and his loss and his struggle all of those years trying to be happy, to be accepted, and he did find that peace at times, but society leaves a big scar on some of us and i don't think he ever really felt accepted...his ex-partner preached his sermon, and it was just heartbreaking...they tried so many times to get it right, but "J" had a problem with substance abuse, off and on (i'm sure realted to the small town mentality he grew up with) and "B" just couldn't keep it together, but they both were never happy apart...in the sermon, he talked about always thinking of that willie song, angel flying too close to the ground, and that was how he saw "J"...freaky thinkg, i had that song downloaded as my ring tone...gave me goosebumps...
the thing is..when the person you love is gone the sadness of never being able to go back and make things right, because it seems to take a loss like that to crystalize things in your mind, and then it is too late...that feeling in the pit of your stomach just eats you alive sometimes...hurts so damn much...and you can't do one damn thing, not one, to change it....
i hope he knows how i feel now, because if he doesn't i don't think i can stand it...but Ennis says if you can't fix it you GOTTA stand it..oh, man, thats hard...really hard...
sorry to be a downer tonight...i just can't get "J" out of my head or heart today...
thanks for letting me talk...
