just wanted to tell my story and hear yours

[maggiesmommy GayLee]

hopefully if you all have done this one before , you'll allow me to introduce myself..i really find this theraputic and so i hope you don't mind...

i am a 59 yr old married straight woman, 4 kids,3 are married, 3 grand kids. Work in an office, pretty typical stuff...
my daughter in law, whom i adore, had a brother that was gay.  "J" was a wonderful guy, so smart, so artistic, just a fantastic human being, and the first gay person i have ever had a close realtionship with.  I was born into a very strict mainstream domination church..i was taught all the common "hate" speak that that genre clings to...i grew up with the same prejudices that now disgust and sicken me.  However, this metamorphsis didn't start until i met "J".  I was beginning to pull away from the churches domination and rethinking my whole belief system abou the time i was forced to start spending time with "J" because we moved in with my son and his family while we built our house and "J" was there often, traveled alot, and therefore stayed whenever he was in town.  Getting to know him was the best thing that has ever happened to me.  He was so wise and didn't once act like i was the enemy because of my former beliefs...we talked for hours and i began to see and feel the pain and hatred he had suffered in his life..he had known and lost love, had been rejected by memebers of his famiiy, and on an on, as some of you can relate to...he also had aids...he had been diagnosed 13 long years ago and had been in on the first testing of expermental drugs..he had maintained a relative healthy lifestyle for all those years and was doing very well until about last june, then started to go into a downhill spiral that ended with his death in August.
I have never missed anyone so much....and then i  saw BBM.  all of my defenses came falling down...the "new, better" attitude i thought i had built over the last few years just became so much fluff...just words...i really meant well, but i did NOT get it until i saw BBM...i wish SO much i could see this movie with "J"/  THat we could talk about it and that i could tell him that i really really get it now...i get all of it..i understand, i am sorry, i want to hold him and see him and i just miss him so damn much and i can't do any of that and it is tearing my heart out....
i watch the movie over and over and in it i see "J" and his loss and his struggle all of those years trying to be happy, to be accepted, and he did find that peace at times, but society leaves a big scar on some of us and i don't think he ever really felt accepted...his ex-partner preached his sermon, and it was just heartbreaking...they tried so many times to get it right, but "J" had a problem with substance abuse, off and on (i'm sure realted to the small town mentality he grew up with) and "B" just couldn't keep it together, but they both were never happy apart...in the sermon, he talked about always thinking of that willie song, angel flying too close to the ground, and that was how he saw "J"...freaky thinkg, i had that song downloaded as my ring tone...gave me goosebumps...
the thing is..when the person you love is gone the sadness of never being able to go back and make things right, because it seems to take a loss like that to crystalize things in your mind,  and then it is too late...that feeling in the pit of your stomach just eats you alive sometimes...hurts so damn much...and you can't do one damn thing, not one, to change it....   
i hope he knows how i feel now, because if he doesn't i don't think i can stand it...but Ennis says if you can't fix it you GOTTA stand it..oh, man, thats hard...really hard...
sorry to be a downer tonight...i just can't get "J" out of my head or heart today...
thanks for letting me talk... 

[Ray]

Thankyou for your heartfelt story Maggie.  These are the experiences that are enriching us both as individuals and as a group.  For some strange reason, it appears to be a hard day for many people as the past catches up and the emotions boil to the top.  I hope you find joy here as so many in here feel as you have beautifully described. X

[maggiesmommy GayLee]

thanks, ray...don't know what it is about today...i see him when i close my eyes, i hear his voice, i want to talk to him so badly...and i can't sleep...thanks for "hearing me"..i can hardly see the keys for the tears...old brokeback got me good...
it helps SO much to have someone to talk to that understands...

[Kelda]

Thanks for telling your story. I'm lucky I haven't any heartbreaking stories like that. But I hope BBM has opened my heart and mind and made me better person because of it.

[Jeff Wrangler]

My deepest sympathy, "maggie." A lot of us have been in your shoes. You are not alone.

[YaadPyar]

Oh 'maggie...' - I can understand the depth of that feeling.  Sounds like J left you with so many gifts, and one of the wonderful ones you'll keep giving is the compassion and understanding that your now open heart can offer.  And one that you'll keep on giving, and it's that giving that heals...you and others.

[maggiesmommy GayLee]

Thank you so much, i needed to hear that so badly.... and he did leave me with so many gifts, not the least of which was just knowiing him and you know..being accepted BY HIM..it was very humbling...

thank you for your understanding...
this is why i knew i could pour out my heart here, and you all would understand...

[FuzzyChanny]

Wow "Maggie...", thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry that you lost someone so special to you. I hope that you are able to find some comfort and peace among the threads of this board, and with the amazing people that reside within them.

[maggiesmommy GayLee]

you are all so kind and understanding...thanks Fuzzy..i know i am surley not alone on this subject here, and i don't want to portray myself as being that...i know so many of you have suffered the loss of friends and partners...i just wanted to say that i understand and in our grief, we come together and become stronger,,,get the strength to go on, and try to make a difference in this crazy world ..
its just that sometimes...those quiet times, you can just feel them there and yet you can't be with them...i get so frustrated...and THIS is one of the important messages of BBM...don't put it off, what ever it is for you, because you might never get the chnace to make the decision again...it may be taken right out of your hands...always say what you feel, hold tight to those you love and never, never be afraid of what ANYONE on this earth thinks....life is too short to live with all that regret...
hold someone you love tonight...tell them how much they mean to you.....if you have been on the fence about a choice, MAKE IT....it you're afraid to take a chance...TAKE IT....don't sleep through this life, folks...its all we got....
there ain't no reins on this one....if Ennis could have moved off center everything would have been different...lets learn from him...
thanks for listening...AGAIN...

[Lynne]

Hi there - Thank you so much for posting your story here and for your message of acting sooner, without delays.  I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you do find some peace and comfort among all the good people here.
-Lynne

[maggiesmommy GayLee]

thanks lynn...its a good way to get to know pwople...just bare your soul....
Gay

[starboardlight]

your post really moved me. I don't think I can offer any more insight than what's already been posted. I just wanted you to know that your words really connected. the love that you have for your friend came through so palpably. you're both lucky that you crossed paths and came into each other's lives.

[Aussie Chris]

Hi Maggie, sorry for your loss.  What an amazing gift J left with you that you see and feel his presence when you close your eyes.  And what a gift that you give yourself that you feel that love and can share it with the world.  We are all blessed and fortunate for the existance of J, and the part he has played in bringing you to us.  Thank you for being you, and for sharing this touching story.

[maggiesmommy GayLee]

you all make me cry...i am the blessed one to have found you...not many people in this world even care to connect like that..their hatred and fears keep them from having any real joy...J freed me completely...and you are right...i hold him in my heart..and i can see him and hear him sometimes..his sister (my daughter in law) and I talk about him and remiisce...she and her family will be taking J's ashes to Key West this summer, and unlike Jack, he will get to be in the place he loved most, forever...
thank you for accepting me in and understanding,that that is the greatest gift of all...not sure if you realizze it, but there is reverse prejudice out there....you really have to win the trust and hearts of the Gay community...of course, this is only natural, seeing the things they have to suffer, but it makes me feel so good to be accepted and be understood to have no prejudice whatsoever and i don't....i really really don't , not since J and BBM...thank all of you, whatever your preference, for accepting me with all my faluts and flaws, into your "family"....
Gay

[kirkmusic]

The great thing is, Maggie, you really do get it now.  That is so beautiful, having come from where you did.

I lost my Dad to Viet Nam before we ever met.  According to Mom he was a great guy but might have been sort of like Ennis' dad when it came to gay people.  He was 20 when he died so he might have grown out of it.  Who knows?  At my most spiritually connected I believe that everything works out for the greater good of all concerned.  So maybe Dad was around long enough to give me life and then checked out so that, in death, he could be the father to me that he couldn't be in life.  (Whoa.  Had to stop for a brief crying fit there.  Didn't know that was still so strong.)

On another thread I talked about how, on the way to the costume shop at work to put a button back on a pair of pants that had been missing one for several months, a button had miraculously been sewn on while the pants were sitting in my backpack.  I get visitations like that sometimes.  What I didn't say was that, stylistically, that button had no business being on those pants.  That button looked like it had been put there by a young straight guy from the sixties.  If it hadn't been my Dad I don't think the message would have been so specific.  This happened the day before my first solo cabaret show.

My point is, J's with you.  He really is.  Whether or not he ever let's you know in such concrete terms.  After a profound friendship in life, he brought you to the movie which brought you here.  Heck, maybe he even brought you to my attention so I could tell you all of this.  I'd like to thank both of you for sharing your story, first with each other and then with us.  It gives me such a sense of faith to know that when people of true compassion are brought face to face with a reality that contradicts a rigid set of beliefs, that the beliefs will fall before human decency does.  You're an inspiration, love.

Kirk

[maggiesmommy GayLee]

Thank you so much. For seeing and acknowledging my total transformation. I struggle trying to tell people about this life change. Not many on the ouside see what i am trying to say and the magnitude of it. J ,,what a special person, and yes, even in death he is teaching me so many lessons about love, forgiveness and acceptance.  I learned that its ME that needs the accpeptance..not the other way around. He has brought me here, to finish and finalize the process...refine it, so to speak. And although i cant see him, I can feel him everytime I watch BBM...I would just LOVE to be able to talk with him about it...My dgrt in law and I had a long talk about it when she was here on Saturday..i was surprised to find out that she had not seen BBM...she said she was afraid to watch it, that all the feelings about J were too raw..I told her about the impact the movie had on me and so many others and she was surprised..she is so used to the mainstream response that all of this just shocked her...i told her about these boards and the people i have met here and she was really moved...i told her that i have the CD, so when she is ready we will watch it together. She cried and hugged me and i think we will be seeing it together soon...She said she could really see the change that the movie made in me..even moe that i was changing on my own..we both agreed that we wish J was there so we could talk to him...when she asked if I "liked" the movie..i told her she had NO idea how much more it was than just a movie...   

Death , curious as it may seem, is not the end. I know this, but that is all i know. I want so badly to believe that we really do go to a place of peace and love. I have a very hart time any more believing all the things i was taught, because that belief system has been so totally damaged of late, but I know there is something there..that we are still surrounded by the ones we love even though they are not right here to see and touch.  I so feel you pain about your dad.  I believe he would have accepted you and loved you.  I believe your "encounters" are him telling you just that..you are very fortunate to have the insight to recognize his attempts to "speak" to you.

Thank you for sharing your story with me..I will be more aware and open to seeing J's attempts to reach out to me...even in the little details of everyday life...

And thank you for seeing that i really DO get it, and that it is not just lip service....i have to look for ways to use this new found understanding and mind set, and every chance I get I tell people about it...you, know, you can only try to change the world one person at a time, and that is my mission for as long as i have breath...

Love
GayLee

[TJ]

maggiesmommy,

Thanks for sharing your story about your relationship with "J." I see that he became a member of your family of choice; although you were not actually related.

You mentioned his problem with substance abuse. I have known some people, not just gays, whose problems with substance abuse, drugs and alcohol, were actually related to a spiritual conflict in their lives. And, the spiritual conflict did come from being abused, directly or indirectly, by those who were supposed to be "Christians."

The use of drugs and/or alcohol eased the guilt trip that had been heaped upon them because of their being different or not being able to live up to the standards their families or their famliies' churches wanted them to live by.

Since my parents raised me to believe that just because a person said something was a sin and one should feel guilty if he did that sin, that did not actually make it a sin, especially if it was not in the Bible in the first place.

I can understand how you feel the presence of "J" at times. I just say that the loving spirit that a person had for his family and friends  before he died just stays behind with those whom he loved.

On occasion, I want to look over my right shoulder and say, "Yes, Ed, I see what you were talking about" when something reminds me of what he said. At the club, I usually stood directly in front of him with his left boot toe between the heels of my boots, so that we could talk and understand each other because of the loud music. In my memory of dreams, I can only remember one dream with him in it; but, I don't remember the details. I have a Westminster Chime wall clock which he paid for but we considered a joint purchase. It does not chime just like it used to, it's one of those battery wound clocks; but, sometimes the pendulum swings more than others or it does not swing at all. I don't understand that at all; it does still keep accurate time.

[maggiesmommy GayLee]

there is just SO much we don't know. I truly beileve we use a very small percantage of the gifts we are given in realtion to understanding all the layers of this life...
can you tell me more about Ed...i'd really like to hear about him...
gay

[TJ]

I have little bits and pieces about Ed in many discussion threads here on BetterMost.

If you know what Dennis Weaver, the actor, looked like, Eldred "Ed" Pursell looked a whole lot like him. Ed had no middle name and when he was growing up in SE Missouri as a teen, asked people to call him "Ed" instead of Ed. When I told him the Gregory Peck's legal first name was also "Eldred," he liked that.

Ed had been born in Alabama and after he grew up in Missouri, he married a woman who had a son and a daughter. They had known each other while they were growing up and he loved her as a friend; but, he should never have married a woman. One time, I met a gay guy here in Tulsa, while I was still living with Ed in N. Hollywood, and he said he also grew up in the same community as Ed but he was a whole lot younger than Ed. That guy said he had gotten married because in that area, it was just expected that a young man would get married, which he also did.

Ed did have a son and two daughters who were his biologically; but, his wife got pregnant by another man when they were separated one time. Ed's name was put on the birth certificate as the father. But, Ed loved all of his children and her children, too. Linda, the stepdaughter who was the eldest, told me that Ed was the only father she knew and no one could have been a better father than he was. She got married at 17 and apparently that was at about the time Ed got a divorce.

After Ed got a divorce, he moved to stay with one of his older sisters in N. California in 1967. That was about the same time I went to Vietnam, same year anyway. He was there for a while before he moved to Hollywood.

[maggiesmommy GayLee]

He sounds really special...and i think Dennis Weaver just go thotter an dhotter as he got older..!!!  And Ed is form the modwest!! a soul brother...
i know you miss him...was he ill? 

[TJ]

A better way to say where Ed was from is to say, "Ed was from the country and he was a farmboy." His teenage years were in the "Boot Heel" of extreme SE Missouri, which had Arkansas to the West and South, with Tennessee on the East (Dennis Weaver grew up on SW Missouri and was from the Joplin Area).

From what we could figure out, Ed had contracted HIV in 1981 and he did not meet me until April 1984. But, "HIV" was sort of listed as a tertiary cause of his illness with "AIDS" as a secondary cause. But, according to the neurosurgeon who diagnosed him at the hospital, he actually died because of contracting a brain-related virus, PML, for short, when he was a young man or when he was a child. PML makes it look like a person has a stroke with paralysis on one side and makes one think the person has dementia. The PML virus (which is also blood related like HIV is) can remain dormant for a person's whole life as long as his immune system is not compromised.

When the PML started showing sypmtoms, Ed was under a lot of stress at work because he was the boss where he worked as a guard with those under him, all Filipinos who thought they had special rights as a minority (oh, one of them Solomon had become an an American citizen and he was not with the rest in attitude). Ed had also gotten dentures from a credit dentist whose 2nd Language was not even English and he could not eat right either.

Ed was bedfast for almost 5 months and after two months of taking care of him mostly by myself, his doctors at the clinic got us connected with the Visiting Nurses Association's in-home hospice program. They were the greatest people to both of us. Ed was paralyzed on the right side and he stopped talking a few weeks after he was officially diagnosed and had spent a couple of days in the hospital.

His mind was alert otherwise and he always knew what day of the week it was. We had a VCR and some of his favorite TV evening soap operas came on at 10:00 pm. During the day when those shows were to be on, he would use his left hand and motion toward the TV to remind me to set the VCR. I or the CNA would play the program for him the next day if he had fallen asleep when the program was on.

Ed had lots of grey hair when he was in his 30s. He did color his hair and "stache" a medium brown. And like Dennis Weaver, he improved with age.

Oh, when I was sorta in between jobs, Ed convinced his supervisor to hire me. I did shift work and Ed's regular working hours was the the 12 midnight to 8 am grave shift with his 5th work day ending on Friday morning. I worked days on week ends, Monday afternoon swing shift and the other two shifts were with Ed on his last two work days each week. I worked with him 2 years. Then I worked in other odd jobs.

No man has ever loved me in the very same way that Ed did. While no one can take his place in my heart, my heart has been enlarged to love again.

Oh, when Ed was guard of the month with the security company which had lots of locations, they took several pictures of him. I kept one and trimmed it down where he is pretending to write a citation and he has a mischievous twinkle in his eye and an "I'm up to somethin' smile." That pic was taken in the spring when I met him.

Oh, I heard other guys tell Ed that he looked like Dennis Weaver, too.