Author Topic: Equality and acceptance starts with us  (Read 3201 times)

Offline Aussie Chris

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Equality and acceptance starts with us
« on: May 01, 2006, 12:57:54 am »
My friends,

I love this forum and the people we have here.  I enjoy our discussions, particularly the ones related to sexuality and identity, not to mention the many juicy discussions about the more subjective scenes in Brokeback Mountain.  Of course, sometimes a topic may be "sensitive" to an individual with a particular history or experience.  A discussion about fidelity issues, for example, will understandably stir up the blood of anyone who has been cheated on themselves, whereas someone who hasn't been cheated on might see it as a superficial element to the story.  The truth is they're both right.

My father taught me an amazing lesson once when I was quite young and (indeed) very arrogant.  He was (and still is) very homophobic and quite belligerent and this tended to colour my assessment of the things he said.  I remember arguing with him saying he didn't have the right to have an opinion about "something" because he wasn't "one".  Quick as a flash he replied: I don't have to be an artist to appreciate a painting, so why can't I have an opinion about that.  It was at this moment that I realised that I myself had an opinion about just about everything, so it was incredibly selfish of me to think that everyone else couldn't.  A second realisation came a little later.  I realised that his opinions were based on his experiences, just like mine, so they must be considered equally "valid".  In fact I was wasting my time trying to convince him of my view of the world was the "right" one, just as much as it was a waste of his time trying to get me to agree with him.  My dad is not what I would call a wise man but he has his moments, and he did once say: opinions are just like arseholes, everyone's got one.  There was a third realisation that came later still.  I realised that taking the time to understand other people's perspectives didn't invalidate mine, it actually made them clearer (more rational) and more balanced, even if I didn't necessarily agree with the other person's conclusion.  I found that the more I understood other people and how they felt, the less my ideas were "just another opinion".

We've all experienced trolls in one shape or another, and we all know the golden rule of ignoring them since getting into an argument with a troll is the very sustenance that gives them life.  Unfortunately, we are not immune here, and it would be naïve to think that a troll or even a pseudo-troll could not get in and make trouble, or attempt to dominate the discussion with self-centred comments or dismissive remarks that leave no room for others to share their views freely and without fear.  This is not the world that I want to live in, nor do I think we should have to.  So how do we deal with this?  And how do we know if it is us with the problem?  How do we know the difference between having a strong opinion about something and crossing the line into troll-like behaviour?  Well it's very simple actually.  All you have to do when making your point is to take the other person's feelings into consideration your first priority, seek first to understand then to be understood, and remember that no opinion is right or wrong no matter where you are, what you've done, or who you know.

Personally, I like to talk to straight people about homosexual issues just as I like to talk to my female friends about women's issues.  I've learnt a lot about how similar we are, and also how different.  Men's issues are not the same as women's, gay's to straight's, and the combination of sexuality and sex create more differences.  But there is commonality in that we each have issues, and our fundamental desire is to be listened to and to be respected.  You'd be amazed at how quickly people will start treating you with respect when you provide them the same courtesy.  You don't have to give anything up and there's nothing submissive about it.  Actually you are empowered by your willingness to be the first to take the step.  I kid you not that it even works with trolls.  Be careful though it takes a great deal of patience and a willingness to remain silent!

For those of you that have read my posts in the "Finish the story in your own life" forum, you will know that I feel strongly about the reconciliation and acceptance of all sexes and orientations.  Prior to seeing BBM and joining BetterMost, I had basically become resigned to living in an intolerant world that could never be changed.  I now have renewed hope that it can because of the people here: YOU.  My friends, I beseech you to join with me on a quest to heal the planet and to make it possible for us all to live and love freely and without fear.  It doesn't start with trying to make everyone see it "our way", or to accept that intolerance is just the way things are.  It starts with how we treat each other here and in our daily lives.

I'll finish today with an anecdotal story about the 1940 British Prime Minister: Winston Churchill.  It is said that he was once walking with a friend and they came across a woman that was clearly in the "oldest profession".  As they passed Churchill tipped his hat as a mark of respect.  The friend incredulously asked: Why on earth did you do that?  Don't you know who she is?  To which Churchill replied: I didn't do it because of who she is.  I did it because of who I am.
   
Nothing is as common as the wish to be remarkable - William Shakespeare

Offline serious crayons

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Re: Equality and acceptance starts with us
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2006, 01:11:28 am »
Really nice essay, Chris.

You made a lot of good points, but perhaps my favorite was this:

Personally, I like to talk to straight people about homosexual issues just as I like to talk to my female friends about women's issues.  I've learnt a lot about how similar we are, and also how different.  Men's issues are not the same as women's, gay's to straight's, and the combination of sexuality and sex create more differences.  But there is commonality in that we each have issues, and our fundamental desire is to be listened to and to be respected.

One of the things I treasure most about these boards is the opportunity to talk to, debate with, learn from, empathize with and often find common ground among people of different demographics: different ages, nationalities, sexual orientations, backgrounds, whatever. It's a really precious opportunity, I think. Not that most of us don't have diverse "real-life" friends. But even among friends, there are often topics that don't -- even can't -- come up in ordinary conversation. BetterMost seems like a really safe place to talk openly about pretty personal issues, and to listen and learn as others do the same. I hope it always stays that way.

So your point about tolerance and understanding and patience was well taken, Chris. Thanks for posting it.