Dealing With Aging Parents

[injest]

well, relatives period.

Are your parents still alive?

My mother is alive and only in her mid sixties....might as well be ninety the way she acts.
How do you deal with your parents? Are they in good health?

[Lumière]

My dad is in his early seventies..
He takes very good care of himself - watches his salt/sugar intake, eats lots of veggies, takes his vitamins regularly etc.
My mom is in her fifties...
She has had problems with high-blood pressure and a few health issues over the last couple of years, but I am glad to see that she is starting to take better care of herself and my dad keeps an eye on things and makes sure that she eats properly and takes her vitamins/mineral supplements.

All in all, I am glad they are taking care of themselves. 

[Brokeback_Dev]

I've lost all my parents.  Both my mom and dad, and my mother-n-law and father-n-law all in the past 3 years.  Sometimes its harder than others, but i guess i learned to live with it.  Its weird sometimes.. i just want to call my mom and then i realize i have no mom!  or i wish i could hang out with my mother-n-law, but she's gone.

Be glad you still have your mom.  Take good care of her jess.  i wish i could have taken better care of my mom.  My mom had a lot of lung problems.... smoking, heredity, lack of exercise.   i have lung problems too, and no i don't smoke.  Go figure.  just wish i could have helped more..  i suppose i did the best i could, and i know you will too.

[delalluvia]

Funny this topic should come up today.

My father died from a massive heart attack in 2001, but it was due to decades of living with diabetes.  Enlarged heart, you know.  Otherwise, aside from diabetic issues - cataracts, failing sight - he was up and able to work around the house.  In fact, he'd gone outside to work in the yard when it happened.

My mother is in extremely poor health.  She came out of remission last spring with her breast cancer.  She is in such poor health she cannot undergo any surgery, so her cancer is inoperable, she is too weak now from her bad health for the chemotherapy that's always worked before, most of the anti-cancer drugs have made her extremely ill, and her cancer is too close to her heart for radiation. 

The doctors finally found a drug she could take and it's kept her cancer at bay for over a year now.

Her diaphragm is elevated on her left side and is pushing against one lung, halving its capacity to function, but she cannot exercise to strenghten her other lung and increase the efficiency of her circulatory system because after half a lifetime of going in and out of chemotherapy treatment, one of her heart atria is ballooning and she cannot stress herself too much or it might blow.  She has a goiter in her neck that's pushing against her esophogus and making it difficult for her to swallow and recently her breathing capacity has worsened and an hour or so ago, my mother called to tell me her latest CAT scan showed a "mass" in her chest behind her trachea.  It's almost impossible to get to for a biopsy without putting her under - which they can't do anyway - and that's probably what is causing her increasing difficulty in breathing.  It could be a new goiter or it could be cancer, no one knows right now. 

I hold out some hope as her oncologist has yet to see the CAT results. I hope it's just another goiter as her cancer as of last month was still under control but the goiter in her neck is enlarging and so is this 'mass'. 

In the meantime, the doctors asked her today if she's made all her 'arrangments'...

These are all extremely serious conditions and I take them extremely seriously.  But my mother has not helped my attitude about them.

For the last few years, she's done things - just for attention - calling us the middle of the night - 'having severe chest pain' but refusing to call 911, waiting for us to get there after a mad dash across town, just to have her refuse to leave home, she just wanted someone there.  This is in the middle of a work week, mind you - which pisses me off to no end.  Asking us to hold her hand for very minor procedures - it may not sound like much, but invariably she has her appointment at 8 am, which means she has to be there 2-3 hours earlier to check in, which means we have to get up at 5 am to drive across town just to hold her hand for something stupidly non-invasive and not dangerous.

Her doctors and hospitals are - I kid you not - less than 1/2 mile from her home, but prefers that 'family' take off from work, drive 20 miles one way to her house and take her to the doctor even though she's perfectly capable of driving herself and refuses to call a cab or any of the social services to take her to her appointments.

She's hard of hearing, but won't wear a hearing aid and then wants us to attend every meeting with her doctors because they 'mumble' and she 'misses' things.

She has on average 4-6 appointments per month.  Every month.  I and my sister have used up all our sick time ferrying her back and forth and I was comp'd one day at work because I got sick and didn't have enough sick days to stay home and recover.  Taking off so much time can put our jobs in jeopardy - neither me nor my sister have a boyfrend or husband to help with bills/running a household - but my mother doesn't care much about that.

I love and care for my mother and what happens to her, but she needs to help herself more while she can because soon she'll be bed-ridden and she'll be regretting the times she made herself helpless when she truly, finally is.

[injest]

Del, I swear...if I didn't know my sister is NOT going to Paris...I would SWEAR you were her...cause we got the SAME family!

 

and that  is the thing, Dev...I DO love her and I know when she goes I will be devastated..but right now I have to vent so I don't blow up at her!

Del, my mother insists she can take care of herself and doesn't WANT us in the office with her when she sees the doc...then she can't remember what meds she is supposed to take when...or how much...and we will ask."Mom, did you tell him you have been dizzy?"

"No it never came up"

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[delalluvia]

Del, I swear...if I didn't know my sister is NOT going to Paris...I would SWEAR you were her...cause we got the SAME family!

 

It's why we get along so well....

and that  is the thing, Dev...I DO love her and I know when she goes I will be devastated..but right now I have to vent so I don't blow up at her!

Me, too.  I'm going to be horrifically bereft when she goes but she's not making it very easy for anyone.  Go ahead and vent, but you will eventually blow and then - like me - you'll feel incredibly guilty because you yelled and got mad at your mortally ill mother.   

Del, my mother insists she can take care of herself

So does mine.    She's so proud about her 'independence' but still wants someone around as much as possible.

then she can't remember what meds she is supposed to take when...or how much...and we will ask."Mom, did you tell him you have been dizzy?"

"No it never came up"

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...   ...What's your mother's name?!?!?!     My mother does the exact same thing

[Lumière]

I have always heard that saying that you end up parenting your parents...that is how I feel.

Do your parents live nearby, Milli?

No they don't, alas.
But I've just spent a small fortune on herbal supplements, vitamins, etc.. for them.. Coz I get to see them soon. 

[mvansand76]

OMG guys, you touched on a very sensitive subject here! I can't even think about my parents aging because it scares the shit out of me! The biggest fear I have is of my parents becoming ill or dying. I honestly think I would not be able to get over it.... It would leave such a HUGE gap in my life, I am not sure I could live with that....

It's such a deeply ingrained fear, I have nightmares about it from time to time. I am very close to them (but like I read in the previous posts here) they drive me up the wall most of the time!  Well, that seems to be the case with everybody!

[Scott6373]

Well, I think that it's something you slip unconsciously into.  First it's the calls for a little advice then the rides to MD appointments, then helping them with financial choices.  It comes on in dribs and drabs, until you find yourself in the postion of being almost entirely reponsable for their well being.  I know...that's where I am with my mother, and it only got worse after my brother passed away in 2005.  She very nearly willed herself to die that year, not that I can blame her.  The rest of us kids have made a concerted effort to make her be vital, to make her be active in her life with and without us.

[serious crayons]

I don't call my mother as often as I should.

She has Alzheimer's, and although she can still talk on the phone and probably would even recognize my voice and remember my name, any conversation past that point is almost impossible. She answers questions and talks, but her words bear no relationship to reality, they're just rambling nonsense. And she can't hold any kind of continuous dialogue. For example, if she says A, then I respond B, she has no idea what I mean by B because she's already forgotten A.

Because she's in a nursing home without a phone in her room, it's kind of hard to get her on the phone. When I do call her, I'm sure she forgets the second she's hung up the phone. And it's hard to be reminded of how much unlike herself she is.

But those are rationalizations. I still feel guilty about not calling her more.

[Scott6373]

I don't call my mother as often as I should.

She has Alzheimer's, and although she can still talk on the phone and probably would even recognize my voice and remember my name, any conversation past that point is almost impossible. She answers questions and talks, but her words bear no relationship to reality, they're just rambling nonsense. And she can't hold any kind of continuous dialogue. For example, if she says A, then I respond B, she has no idea what I mean by B because she's already forgotten A.

Because she's in a nursing home without a phone in her room, it's kind of hard to get her on the phone. When I do call her, I'm sure she forgets the second she's hung up the phone. And it's hard to be reminded of how much unlike herself she is.

But those are rationalizations. I still feel guilty about not calling her more.

It's easy to fall into that trap.  There are some great resources out there for family who are dealing with a parent who has Alzheimer's.

[David In Indy]

My mother passed away from leukemia in 2003, but my dad is still alive.

Dad is suffering from parkinson's disease. But I can't believe all the medications they are giving him. He keeps all his medicine on a small 2 foot shelf in the kitchen and it is totally stuffed with medicine bottles. He is taking blood pressure medicine, diabetes medicine, 2 or 3 different medicines for his parkinson's disease, 3 different pain medicines (2 of which are narcotic), anti depressants, nerve pills, heart medicine.... the list goes on and on. I don't think it's a very good idea for him to be putting all these different medications in his system. Dad is very stubborn though, and he will NOT listen to me. I think he finds some security and comfort in all these different pills.

He sometimes drives me nuts too. I live on the other side of the city from him. A couple of months ago he left a message on my cell phone saying he needed me to come over. When I tried to call him back he failed to answer the phone. Thinking the worst, I jumped in my car and sped across town to his house. When I arrived, he was outside riding around the front yard on his lawn mower! GEEZ!!! 

But he's starting to "go around the bend" as we say in Indiana. His mind is going I think. He is becoming very forgetful and more "childlike" in what he says and does. This often happens with older people but it's very sad when it happens to someone close to you. I suppose the day is coming when I will either need to move into his house, or move him into mine. I've already asked him about hiring a part time nurse and he's declined the offer. He's not comfortable with a stranger in his house taking care of him.

[delalluvia]

He sometimes drives me nuts too. I live on the other side of the city from him. A couple of months ago he left a message on my cell phone saying he needed me to come over. When I tried to call him back he failed to answer the phone. Thinking the worst, I jumped in my car and sped across town to his house. When I arrived, he was outside riding around the front yard on his lawn mower! GEEZ!!! 

This is the worst, I agree.  I tell people I'm starting to get gray hair because of episodes like this.  She doesn't answer the phone when I call.  I think maybe she's in the bathroom or outside.  I call again after lunch and still nothing.  My sister calls in the late afternoon, "Have you heard from mom?  I've been calling and calling."  We talk, we rationalize that maybe we just kept missing her, it is a nice day, she had an appointment, blah blah.

Early evening comes, still no word.  Finally around 9 pm my sister and I conference.  We're going to go check on her.  I literally dress in clothing I won't mind getting dirty with - body fluids/issuances.  It's summer, I imagine her in the yard, collapsed under the heat, half dead, covered in fire ants and mosquitos...I choose clothing I won't mind getting next to a corpse.

Lovely thoughts.  You have to gird your loins for whatever you might find as you take the looooooooooog drive over, just to find out - happily for all, but unhappily for your blood pressure - that you  have just been missing her all day.  I've had to sit down and calm myself after such episodes.

 

[Ellemeno]

Sorry, off topic, I know, but ugh, fire ants.  We had those when I lived in Mississippi.  Unbelievably painful.

[David In Indy]

Sorry, off topic, I know, but ugh, fire ants.  We had those when I lived in Mississippi.  Unbelievably painful.

  

 


They are painful, Clarissa. I dealt with them when I lived in Florida.

[dot-matrix]

I lost my Mom a long time ago now, almost 10 years, and I still miss her so bad sometimes I can’t stand it.  Sometimes the hurt inside continues to burn like fire. I want to talk to her, see her, laugh with her, share my day with her. I want to hug her. I miss my mom so bad.  My mother was everything to me she was such a special Mom & person.  She is still part of WHO I AM and so is her memory and so is the pain of losing her. You never lose that because it becomes PART OF YOU and WHO YOU ARE.  I thank God everyday for helping me to make the decision to go home and care for her in her last days.  It was not easy, at times unbearably frustrating, but I am so glad I did it and being there at the end, holding her was a blessing for us both.
 

Your Dad sounds like mine David.  I too think he takes too many pills and wonder about the interaction and side effects of all these drugs but he is adamant about his “medicine”.  I had been thinking about taking a few days and running up to Montana while Bob stays here and digs….before we head home again on the 4th.  But Bob says we have nothing but time and he wants to go with, so I think we are going to leave here a few days earlier than planned and head north for a few days with Daddy.

My Dad is 79 and has Atrial flutter that has been resistant to cardioversion.  He also has hypertension and emphysema from years of cigarette smoking.  Lately I have begun to notice some senile dementia and I know the day is going to come when we have to force him to leave his beloved ranch and come live with Bob and me.  We have already begun reinforcing the idea by inviting him every time we talk.  Right now he has a housekeeper and a ranch hand.  The housekeeper does not live in but the ranch hand does so he is never alone and they know how to contact me always.  Both have been with him for years and I trust them completely but I live in fear of those calls….and I know it’s going to be one of the hardest things he has ever done to admit he can no longer be totally independent….I already KNOW it is one of the hardest for me to see and accept my big strong Daddy, my hero, felled by old age and disease.   

[mvansand76]

My mother passed away from leukemia in 2003, but my dad is still alive.

Dad is suffering from parkinson's disease. But I can't believe all the medications they are giving him. He keeps all his medicine on a small 2 foot shelf in the kitchen and it is totally stuffed with medicine bottles. He is taking blood pressure medicine, diabetes medicine, 2 or 3 different medicines for his parkinson's disease, 3 different pain medicines (2 of which are narcotic), anti depressants, nerve pills, heart medicine.... the list goes on and on. I don't think it's a very good idea for him to be putting all these different medications in his system. Dad is very stubborn though, and he will NOT listen to me. I think he finds some security and comfort in all these different pills.

He sometimes drives me nuts too. I live on the other side of the city from him. A couple of months ago he left a message on my cell phone saying he needed me to come over. When I tried to call him back he failed to answer the phone. Thinking the worst, I jumped in my car and sped across town to his house. When I arrived, he was outside riding around the front yard on his lawn mower! GEEZ!!! 

But he's starting to "go around the bend" as we say in Indiana. His mind is going I think. He is becoming very forgetful and more "childlike" in what he says and does. This often happens with older people but it's very sad when it happens to someone close to you. I suppose the day is coming when I will either need to move into his house, or move him into mine. I've already asked him about hiring a part time nurse and he's declined the offer. He's not comfortable with a stranger in his house taking care of him.

I remember you telling me about that incident! Do you think it's part of him "going around the bend"? It must be terrible to see that happen, how do you deal with it?

How are you going to deal with taking care of him when he needs to move in with you or you move in with him?

[mvansand76]

I lost my Mom a long time ago now, almost 10 years, and I still miss her so bad sometimes I can’t stand it.  Sometimes the hurt inside continues to burn like fire. I want to talk to her, see her, laugh with her, share my day with her. I want to hug her. I miss my mom so bad.  My mother was everything to me she was such a special Mom & person.  She is still part of WHO I AM and so is her memory and so is the pain of losing her. You never lose that because it becomes PART OF YOU and WHO YOU ARE.  I thank God everyday for helping me to make the decision to go home and care for her in her last days.  It was not easy, at times unbearably frustrating, but I am so glad I did it and being there at the end, holding her was a blessing for us both.
 

Thanks for sharing this, Dot... the way you describe it is beautiful, it sounds like you love(d) her very much...

[David In Indy]

I remember you telling me about that incident! Do you think it's part of him "going around the bend"? It must be terrible to see that happen, how do you deal with it?

How are you going to deal with taking care of him when he needs to move in with you or you move in with him?

I don't know. I'm trying not to think about it right now. The time is coming though. I'll have to deal with it sooner or later. I don't want to take away his sense of freedom and independence. Now that I work part time on the east side of town, it's a little better, because I can stop by his house on my way home from work and visit with him. But sometimes he doesn't want me to leave, which is bad because I have to get home to take care of things over there.

[shortfiction]

crayons, my dad had ALZ as well.  Actually, it was the cascase of physical problems and, eventually, an anaphylactic reaction to an antibiotic that caused his death a year ago, but the ALZ was the underlying culprit.  Anyway....Yes, it's hard to deal with someone who forgets what you say right after you've said it.  After a while, you just learn to tell yourself that it's an illness, it's nothing personal, don't take it to heart.  I know--that's easier said than done.  My dad sort of recognized me as a relative but did not know my name. That was really hard. 
    In a way, it was sort of good that he didn't really know he was in a SNF.  He thought he was at home.  He'd point to the corner and tell me to lock up the car, take care of the house, pay the bills, etc.  I'd say I would, and then he'd be happy.  The nursing staff said it was just fine to let him have his happy delusion and go along with it. 
   My mom and I had looked after him at home as long as we could, but I gotta tell you folks:  you can't do that 24/7.  No one can-- unless they don't work, have no other obligations, and can afford to hire private nurses around the clock.  Actually, it was the illnesses that put him in the hospital and then the SNF, so the decision was sort of made for us.
     I recommend the book How to care for aging parents .  I found it quite valuable as a source of comfort and info and resources.

Mom, on the other hand, is 81, in pretty good health, very sharp, and says she wants to go another 80 years.  What a youngster.  She regularly does crosswords, reads voraciously, does email and computer games, and goes on bus trips here and there, usually with her Red Hat pals.   
   
 

[Kelda]

My mom and I had looked after him at home as long as we could, but I gotta tell you folks:  you can't do that 24/7.  No one can-- unless they don't work, have no other obligations, and can afford to hire private nurses around the clock.  Actually, it was the illnesses that put him in the hospital and then the SNF, so the decision was sort of made for us.
   

I think this ia a good point - my gran lived with my Mum, my sister and I when she sold up her house after my grandpa died. She moved in when I was 3and died when I was 12. In the last few years of her life my Gran & Mum's relationship deteriorated, Gran was very demanding and starting to lose her mind. Gran's relationship with us did too... and I think thats something to remember when considering whether you move your parents in with you. My Mum didn't have a Mum anymore she had someone she loved so much but frustrated her so much more. It wasn't helped by the fact my mother had no partner to help, and my Uncle & his wife was about as useless as an inflatable dart board. Despite living very close - and of course my Gran thought they were brilliant.

In her last few weeks my gran was put in hospital and then she was in a nursing home for 2 weeks. She attended my cousins wedding for 2 hours and 2 days later she died - on her 89th birthday. My Mum always feels remorse she didn't just bring her home for those last 2 weeks... but how was she to know?


I guess what I'm saying is that moving your parent in can be a double edged sword for both of you - which I'm sure you all know.

Like Mel, I dread to think of life without my Mum.. I don't even think about it. I can't.

[shortfiction]

    To expand a bit on caring for someone at home---just our own situation:
       Dad was not mean or violent, but he was very agitated.  He'd want to get up from the table as soon as he was done eating, so I'd have to jump up and help him get up, supervise his toothbrushing, try to get him settled, etc.   It made it very difficult for mom or me to do anything like water plants, do dishes, laundry, run errands, etc. because he needed to be watched.  He'd come out of his bedroom and nearly topple over because he'd forgotten his walker.  Or he'd be up and wanting to go into the bathroom several times at night, making it tough for us to get any sleep until we hired a night nurse--which, at a rate of $20 per hour for 8 hours, really adds up financially. 
      As I said, the situation was taken out of our hands due to his increasing illnesses and then his insurance and Medicare took over the bills, thank goodness. 
     
     On a side note, a bit OT:   Sometimes I get a bit upset if I hear anyone say that they would never put a parent in a SNF, that they would care for them at home no matter what, etc.   Mostly, these folks have never been in the predicament that we were in.  They don't understand the fatigue, the costs, the drain, the stress, etc. 
      Are there some crappy facilities? Sure, but there are also okay ones and pretty good ones.  The nursing/rehab place Dad was in got him an air bed that was low to the ground so he wouldn't get bedsores and wouldn't fall out of it as he nearly did at home, used no hand restraints like they did in the hospital (seeing dad restrained was horrible--they did it because he was combative and might have flung himself to the floor, but it was still a nightmare),  kept a close eye on him, tried their best to get him to eat and drink, kept him clean, exercised him, etc.   They did the best they could with a tough situation, just as we had tried to do at home. 
Okay, sermon over.

[Kelda]

    To expand a bit on caring for someone at home---just our own situation:
       Dad was not mean or violent, but he was very agitated.  He'd want to get up from the table as soon as he was done eating, so I'd have to jump up and help him get up, supervise his toothbrushing, try to get him settled, etc.   It made it very difficult for mom or me to do anything like water plants, do dishes, laundry, run errands, etc. because he needed to be watched.  He'd come out of his bedroom and nearly topple over because he'd forgotten his walker.  Or he'd be up and wanting to go into the bathroom several times at night, making it tough for us to get any sleep until we hired a night nurse--which, at a rate of $20 per hour for 8 hours, really adds up financially. 
      As I said, the situation was taken out of our hands due to his increasing illnesses and then his insurance and Medicare took over the bills, thank goodness. 
     
     On a side note, a bit OT:   Sometimes I get a bit upset if I hear anyone say that they would never put a parent in a SNF, that they would care for them at home no matter what, etc.   Mostly, these folks have never been in the predicament that we were in.  They don't understand the fatigue, the costs, the drain, the stress, etc. 
      Are there some crappy facilities? Sure, but there are also okay ones and pretty good ones.  The nursing/rehab place Dad was in got him an air bed that was low to the ground so he wouldn't get bedsores and wouldn't fall out of it as he nearly did at home, used no hand restraints like they did in the hospital (seeing dad restrained was horrible--they did it because he was combative and might have flung himself to the floor, but it was still a nightmare),  kept a close eye on him, tried their best to get him to eat and drink, kept him clean, exercised him, etc.   They did the best they could with a tough situation, just as we had tried to do at home. 
Okay, sermon over.

No sermon just the honest truth - its good to get a balanced view shortfiction as keeping a parent at home is not always best for the parent or the child - I'm glad you found somewhere who cared so well for your father.

[injest]

I get a lot of hassle from my sister because I have made it very clear that my mother is NOT living with me again. She lived here for almost a year and made my life hell. She constantly criticised...she mocked me. Made messes and left them...

but the constant griping that I wasn't good enough was the worse. I won't let her do that again. I have to have some distance.

She has a habit of making random comments that are so painful. And they are for no reason...sometimes they don't even have anything to do with what is going on. One day she was watching TV with me. I was laughing at something on TV and felt happy. Thought we were having a nice time...I looked over and she was staring at me with this look of total disgust on her face and she said "You are SO ugly"

Just thinking about it makes my stomach hurt.

So I think a nursing home will be best. I won't let her do that anymore.

[Shasta542]

That is so sad, Jess. Did she just start that since she has been old? I think you are wise to love her from afar--often nursing homes can deal with people much better than someone close. Sometimes people tend to be hateful to those to whom they should be the most loving. You can't live your life with someone who hurts you that much.

[injest]

no she has always been abusive toward me.

the thing is...now she is getting older and my siblings are heading for the hills (or jail) and the list of people for her to lean on is narrowing daily.

and I do love her and understand on a intellectual level that she is sick....but I have to try to balance helping her with keeping myself safe.

[delalluvia]

No sermon just the honest truth - its good to get a balanced view shortfiction as keeping a parent at home is not always best for the parent or the child - I'm glad you found somewhere who cared so well for your father.

Agree.  There's nothing to beat yourself up about.  People need help.  My mother despite having 6 siblings did the bulk of the care for my grandmother before she died.  Her siblings were lazy and not willing to put up with caring for their own mother.  And of course, my grandmother didn't make things easy either.  At the time, my mother was married, working, caring for 2-3 children AND trying to care for her mother.  She finally found a wonderful caretaker who wasn't too expensive and took the lionshare of work from my mother's shoulders while keeping my grandmother in her home.

Then one day she up and quit.  The reason?  My grandmother had threatened to kill her.

My grandmother was never demented.  She did this on purpose.

And when my frustrated mother asked her why she had driven the caretaker away, she replied huffily, "I don't want to be cared for by strangers, you kids need to be caring for me."

She didn't want to or wouldn't understand that most of her kids didn't want to care for her and she had just put all the work back on my mother.

It was a time I don't recall with any pleasure.  My grandmother was not particularly loving, caring or close to us grandkids.  The times we visited were tension-filled, the family gatherings full of acrimony.

My grandmother grew to be too much for my mother to handle and she finally ended up in a nursing home, a place she obviously hated and didn't want to be, and let my mother know it, which of course didn't make my mother feel any better about it.

*sigh*  Sadly, I guess due to the bad memories of the nursing home, my own mother has declared she never wants to be put in a nursing home.  My sister and I have flat out told her that we all may not have a choice.

[shortfiction]

Agree.  There's nothing to beat yourself up about.  People need help.  My mother despite having 6 siblings did the bulk of the care for my grandmother before she died.  Her siblings were lazy and not willing to put up with caring for their own mother.  And of course, my grandmother didn't make things easy either.  At the time, my mother was married, working, caring for 2-3 children AND trying to care for her mother.  She finally found a wonderful caretaker who wasn't too expensive and took the lionshare of work from my mother's shoulders while keeping my grandmother in her home.

Then one day she up and quit.  The reason?  My grandmother had threatened to kill her.

My grandmother was never demented.  She did this on purpose.

And when my frustrated mother asked her why she had driven the caretaker away, she replied huffily, "I don't want to be cared for by strangers, you kids need to be caring for me."

She didn't want to or wouldn't understand that most of her kids didn't want to care for her and she had just put all the work back on my mother.

It was a time I don't recall with any pleasure.  My grandmother was not particularly loving, caring or close to us grandkids.  The times we visited were tension-filled, the family gatherings full of acrimony.

My grandmother grew to be too much for my mother to handle and she finally ended up in a nursing home, a place she obviously hated and didn't want to be, and let my mother know it, which of course didn't make my mother feel any better about it.

*sigh*  Sadly, I guess due to the bad memories of the nursing home, my own mother has declared she never wants to be put in a nursing home.  My sister and I have flat out told her that we all may not have a choice.

              Nowadays, at least there is far more inspection and quality control in nursing homes, generally speaking.   Not that there can't be problems and bad ones around, but they are not all the same.   I know how hard it is, though, to convince some people of this once they have had a bad experience or been in a substandard one.

[Kerry]

It was the 30th anniversary of my Dad's death last May. He was a dear, sweet, gentle man, who loved me unconditionally. I still miss him and sometimes feel his presence very close to me.

My Mum died 16 years ago at age 80. She lived independently in her own home right to the end. She was sharp as a tack mentally and I'm sure she could have gone on forever, if it wasn't for the wretched cancer that carried her off. I lived near my Mum and we saw each other every day, when I would usually drop in to say hello on my way home from work. In the last couple of years of her life, she leaned on me for more support with such things as cleaning, laundry and shopping. I never viewed these things as tasks or chores. Rather, they were things I lovingly wanted to do for my darling Mummy.

On the night my Mum died, I was sitting alone with her, alongside her bed, holding her hand. I still can't explain why I had sat longer than usual with her that particular night. I usually visited her after work and sat with her for a while. She was on morphine during the last three weeks of her life, and was sometimes unaware that I was there. For some reason, on that final night, I sat on with her, longer than usual. Just before she passed away, I felt the presence of my father in the room very strongly. I knew that he was there to greet Mum and take her away with him again, just as he had taken her away with him as his bride, all those years ago, when they were so young and in love. It was an extremely strong feeling of Dad's  presence in the room. I remember thinking, as I sat there holding Mum's hand, that Mum had been in the room with me when I took my first breath in this life and I wanted to be in the room with Mum when she took her last. I saw it as a great privilege to have been with my Mum at the time of her passing, and I have no doubt that when my time comes, my Mum and Dad will be there beside my bed, holding my hand, just as I held Mum's. I don't view this as something sad. Rather, it provides me with great comfort.
   

[Kelda]

It was the 30th anniversary of my Dad's death last May. He was a dear, sweet, gentle man, who loved me unconditionally. I still miss him and sometimes feel his presence very close to me.

My Mum died 16 years ago at age 80. She lived independently in her own home right to the end. She was sharp as a tack mentally and I'm sure she could have gone on forever, if it wasn't for the wretched cancer that carried her off. I lived near my Mum and we saw each other every day, when I would usually drop in to say hello on my way home from work. In the last couple of years of her life, she leaned on me for more support with such things as cleaning, laundry and shopping. I never viewed these things as tasks or chores. Rather, they were things I lovingly wanted to do for my darling Mummy.

On the night my Mum died, I was sitting alone with her, alongside her bed, holding her hand. I still can't explain why I had sat longer than usual with her that particular night. I usually visited her after work and sat with her for a while. She was on morphine during the last three weeks of her life, and was sometimes unaware that I was there. For some reason, on that final night, I sat on with her, longer than usual. Just before she passed away, I felt the presence of my father in the room very strongly. I knew that he was there to greet Mum and take her away with him again, just as he had taken her away with him as his bride, all those years ago, when they were so young and in love. It was an extremely strong feeling of Dad's  presence in the room. I remember thinking, as I sat there holding Mum's hand, that Mum had been in the room with me when I took my first breath in this life and I wanted to be in the room with Mum when she took her last. I saw it as a great privilege to have been with my Mum at the time of her passing, and I have no doubt that when my time comes, my Mum and Dad will be there beside my bed, holding my hand, just as I held Mum's. I don't view this as something sad. Rather, it provides me with great comfort.
   

Kerry - you made me cry. So beautiful.

I think you're right...... My mum, sister and I were with my gran holding her hand when she passed away in the hospital bed - she had been rushed there hours earlier form the nursing home. She also had cancer but we only found that out after she died.

The death rattle was setting in and she hadn't said a word since we'd arrived really - then just before she died she just whispered 'Peter' and she was gone in seconds.

That was my grandpa. I'm positive he had come to get her.

[Kerry]

Kerry - you made me cry. So beautiful.

I think you're right...... My mum, sister and I were with my gran holding her hand when she passed away in the hospital bed - she had been rushed there hours earlier form the nursing home. She also had cancer but we only found that out after she died.

The death rattle was setting in and she hadn't said a word since we'd arrived really - then just before she died she just whispered 'Peter' and she was gone in seconds.

That was my grandpa. I'm positive he had come to get her.

I'm sure your grandpa was there, Kelda.

[delalluvia]

Kerry and Kelda

 

How wonderful.  That does indeed also give me great comfort.

[Shasta542]

That's sad. Sometimes parents have no clue what a priceless treasure their kids are. I hope you realize your own worth and take care of yourself.

[Kelda]

That's sad. Sometimes parents have no clue what a priceless treasure their kids are. I hope you realize your own worth and take care of yourself.

Marleen,

Shasta is right you are a great person and your Mum is lucky to have such a caring daughter in her life. It's a very tru saying - you can choose your friends and not your family.

 

[injest]

I cannot believe that I am writing this here, but I am.

My situation is a lot like yours Jess.  I was supposed to go see my mom today. Asked her what she wanted to do.

"Buy chicken".  I said "that's it?".  She said yes, she's being honest, she doesn't want to see me at all, she just  needs to go shopping.  She said she saw me a few days ago, she doesn't really care to see me again, she just need the ride, and if I don't like it I shouldn't come.

So that's a tiny portion of what my life is really like.  I spent my whole life trying to please her and that is what I get for it.

Amazing isn't it? How they feel like they can say anything to us.

I finally stopped talking to my mother for a full year. It wasn't as hard as I would have thought. I was talking to her one night and she said something horrible. and I just hit a wall I guess. I sat there looking at the phone and didn't speak. She realized she had gone too far and tried to make up....but I hung up the phone and knew that I had had enough. I just wasn't going to go thru it anymore.

I did finally start talking to her again. A year later. but she was a LOT better.....

I think she felt I was ALWAYS going to be there so it was ok to vent on me.....and she learned I wouldn't take it anymore.

she is beginning to slip back into that pattern though....I may have to do it again. And pray nothing bad happens to her in that year! 

[David In Indy]

It was the 30th anniversary of my Dad's death last May. He was a dear, sweet, gentle man, who loved me unconditionally. I still miss him and sometimes feel his presence very close to me.

My Mum died 16 years ago at age 80. She lived independently in her own home right to the end. She was sharp as a tack mentally and I'm sure she could have gone on forever, if it wasn't for the wretched cancer that carried her off. I lived near my Mum and we saw each other every day, when I would usually drop in to say hello on my way home from work. In the last couple of years of her life, she leaned on me for more support with such things as cleaning, laundry and shopping. I never viewed these things as tasks or chores. Rather, they were things I lovingly wanted to do for my darling Mummy.

On the night my Mum died, I was sitting alone with her, alongside her bed, holding her hand. I still can't explain why I had sat longer than usual with her that particular night. I usually visited her after work and sat with her for a while. She was on morphine during the last three weeks of her life, and was sometimes unaware that I was there. For some reason, on that final night, I sat on with her, longer than usual. Just before she passed away, I felt the presence of my father in the room very strongly. I knew that he was there to greet Mum and take her away with him again, just as he had taken her away with him as his bride, all those years ago, when they were so young and in love. It was an extremely strong feeling of Dad's  presence in the room. I remember thinking, as I sat there holding Mum's hand, that Mum had been in the room with me when I took my first breath in this life and I wanted to be in the room with Mum when she took her last. I saw it as a great privilege to have been with my Mum at the time of her passing, and I have no doubt that when my time comes, my Mum and Dad will be there beside my bed, holding my hand, just as I held Mum's. I don't view this as something sad. Rather, it provides me with great comfort.
   

Kerry, what you said really touched me! Both your Mother and Father sound like they were wonderful people. I'm sure I would have liked them very much had I had the privilege of meeting them. 

Your post also reminded me of the day of my own Mother's death. She had struggled with Leukemia and died on a Monday morning. Two days earlier I had a very nice visit with her. She was alert and talkative and we discussed many things, including my plans for the rest of my life. Mom had a tendency to be a little bit nosey sometimes! 

That night and the following day she began coughing up blood and lapsed into a deep coma. The hospital called Dad early that Monday morning and warned him the time was getting very close. Dad called both me and my sister and an hour after his call we were both at St. Vincent hospital gathered around Mom's bedside. Several hours passed and Susan (my sister) and I decided to go downstairs to take a quick walk outside in the fresh air. I remember it was drizzling that day and breezy. When we returned to Mom's room, she had just passed. It was then I realized just HOW MUCH that awful disease had whittled away at her body. There she was, a tiny figure of a woman laying on a rubber sheet. Her eyes were partially closed and her mouth was stretched wide open. I'll NEVER get that vision out of my head as long as I live. I walked to her bedside, and kissed her goodbye on her forehead, then I closed her mouth and eyes.

A minister walked into the room minutes later and said "I understand you all are Catholic. Would you mind someone from the other side of the tracks praying with you for a moment?" We all joined hands and recited the 23rd Psalm.

I left for home just after we finished the prayer. I couldn't take it anymore. When I arrived at my house, I noticed a hawk feather outside on my deck. It is the belief of the Lakota people that a spirit will leave a feather when visiting. I've never seen any hawks near my house then or since. I've often wondered if Mom left it there for me.

We buried Mom three days later; September 25, 2003 on my 41st birthday. 

There's not a day goes by that I don't think about my mother and all the lessons she taught me. Someday I hope to see her again in a better place. 

[injest]

[snip]
There's not a day goes by that I don't think about my mother and all the lessons she taught me. Someday I hope to see her again in a better place. 

you will.

 

[serious crayons]

I feel so lucky. My situation is hard, but it isn't as hard as it could be, for so many reasons. I'm lucky because:

-- My mother is almost always friendly and nice and supportive and upbeat.

-- She's oblivious to her condition. It's hard for us -- my brother and me. But she feels good and, even though she's in a nursing home, doesn't know anything is wrong.

-- She's in a nice nursing home. Nobody else would be qualified to care for her. My own family already is flying into smithereens, even without the presence of a 75-year-old with dementia.

-- She is financially secure. About 10 years ago, I talked her into getting long-term-care insurance. I highly recommend this for all middle-class aging people. I only made a point of it with her because I was writing a lot of personal-finance stuff back then, and I kept talking to PF advisors who would bring up the importance of LT care insurance. So I talked my mom into getting it. Thank God!!! For now that insurance, for which she paid $1800 a year for maybe six years, pays more than her $70,000 a year nursing-home expenses.

LT-care insurance is not for either the very rich (who can pay for their own nursing care) or the very poor (who might struggle to meet the premiums, and in any case will get government help). But for middle-class people, it's ... well, it's the only insurance I've ever seen that even pays back the equivalent of what you've paid in, let alone many many times more.

[delalluvia]

I feel so lucky. My situation is hard, but it isn't as hard as it could be, for so many reasons. I'm lucky because:

-- My mother is almost always friendly and nice and supportive and upbeat.

-- She's oblivious to her condition. It's hard for us -- my brother and me. But she feels good and, even though she's in a nursing home, doesn't know anything is wrong.

-- She's in a nice nursing home. Nobody else would be qualified to care for her. My own family already is flying into smithereens, even without the presence of a 75-year-old with dementia.

-- She is financially secure. About 10 years ago, I talked her into getting long-term-care insurance. I highly recommend this for all middle-class aging people. I only made a point of it with her because I was writing a lot of personal-finance stuff back then, and I kept talking to PF advisors who would bring up the importance of LT care insurance. So I talked my mom into getting it. Thank God!!! For now that insurance, for which she paid $1800 a year for maybe six years, pays more than her $70,000 a year nursing-home expenses.

LT-care insurance is not for either the very rich (who can pay for their own nursing care) or the very poor (who might struggle to meet the premiums, and in any case will get government help). But for middle-class people, it's ... well, it's the only insurance I've ever seen that even pays back the equivalent of what you've paid in, let alone many many times more.

Who do you recommend crayons?  Neither I nor my sister are very rich nor dirt poor - now.  But get us sick enough to miss several months worth of paycheck then we're no better off than a homeless person since we're supporting ourselves.

[Kerry]

When I arrived at my house, I noticed a hawk feather outside on my deck. It is the belief of the Lakota people that a spirit will leave a feather when visiting. I've never seen any hawks near my house then or since. I've often wondered if Mom left it there for me.

I have no doubt that your mother visited you on that occasion, David.

[David In Indy]

I have no doubt that your mother visited you on that occasion, David.

Thank you Kerry! 

I also believe she visited me that day. And many times since, although she left me a feather only once on that particular day. Perhaps one feather should be sufficient. I still have it. I wrapped it in plastic and safely stored it in my scrapbook. 

[injest]

My mother lives in another town. My sister lives in another town to...slightly closer to my mothers town than I do.

Yesterday my mother was out for her morning walk and fell in the street. Her neighbors are all elderly but they went out and tried to help her but they couldn't get her up. She called my sister to come help her. and lay in the street until my sister drove from another town to help her! She wouldn't let them call her an ambulance. How stubborn is that? It is Texas in the summer....

Anyway, my sister and husband got there and got her up and into the car...drove her to Tyler (almost an hour away). She broke her left hand, her left kneecap, and her right foot. Can't walk at all. busted her nose...

So she is at my sister's house. (My sister is a nurse and can do all the testing and stuff that my mother needs ...she is diabetic and not being able to move around will cause her blood sugar to go haywire)

The doctor said to come back in two weeks, he thinks the kneecap wasn't dislocated so maybe she won't have to have surgery.

 

[Kelda]

My mother lives in another town. My sister lives in another town to...slightly closer to my mothers town than I do.

Yesterday my mother was out for her morning walk and fell in the street. Her neighbors are all elderly but they went out and tried to help her but they couldn't get her up. She called my sister to come help her. and lay in the street until my sister drove from another town to help her! She wouldn't let them call her an ambulance. How stubborn is that? It is Texas in the summer....

Anyway, my sister and husband got there and got her up and into the car...drove her to Tyler (almost an hour away). She broke her left hand, her left kneecap, and her right foot. Can't walk at all. busted her nose...

So she is at my sister's house. (My sister is a nurse and can do all the testing and stuff that my mother needs ...she is diabetic and not being able to move around will cause her blood sugar to go haywire)

The doctor said to come back in two weeks, he thinks the kneecap wasn't dislocated so maybe she won't have to have surgery.

 

I read this in your blog. Poor Jess, i know how hard you find caring for her when she is well.

[pettifogger]

Wisdom Hard to Come By

by J. G. Fabiano

It was remarkably quiet on the beach the other day. This autumn's weather more than made up for the dismal days of the preceding summer. The quiet time on the beach was quite logical, because most of the tourists had long since evacuated the beautiful place we call home.

I was not alone though: all around me were men and women enjoying the same serenity I was in the process of enjoying. Having benches along the beach at Short Sands makes it especially special this time of year. All types of people take the time to sit and enjoy why we all came here to live.

I sat down next to an elderly gentleman whose white, ashen skin probably hadn't seen the sun in a long time. He looked frail and after I sat down next to him he almost appeared afraid. After a few moments it was obvious that I did make him feel uncomfortable because he leaned toward his side of the bench, as far away from me as possible. Maybe he was afraid of me. I decided to talk with this gentleman so I could at least try to calm him down. He wouldn't even look at me. He just stared straight ahead and in his mind's eye I am sure that I didn't even exist.

Why won't the old talk to us? Why is it so hard for them to explain their years of experiences to those of us who try not to make the mistakes, of those who lived before us? Why is it so difficult for them to look into our eyes and explain how they got to become so old? To paraphrase Harry Truman: "There is nothing new in this world. Only the times that are not remembered." We can't remember these times unless the people who lived through them will explain them to us!

As I was sitting on that bench, I remembered watching another elderly gentleman, over the past couple of decades or so. I saw how he respected and enjoyed what life had to offer. Into the summer he kept his yard and driveway immaculately clean and organized. It was obvious that he had come to realize that the more orderly his home, the more controlled his life appeared. All summer-long he never let the outgrowths beat him. Even when it looked foolish, and all his neighbors thought he was crazy, he still kept his yard perfectly ordered. It was as though he wanted to embarrass all of us, who did not have the tenacity to do the same.

When the summer was over, he replaced the lawn mower with a basket of broken bread. Every morning, without fail, he was seen feeding the seagulls that appeared before him. I have watched him do this for the past couple of decades. I have heard from others that they can't remember a year in which he had failed to do so.

Like with the man who was sitting next to me on the bench, I had worked up the courage to talk to my elderly neighbor. He became so uncomfortable when I approached. In fact, he looked as though he wanted to disappear into his perfectly-kept house. Even as I tried to smile my broadest smile, and act as friendly as I could, he still looked away from me. With all his might he tried, and succeeded, to ignore me.

Had this old man been so badly treated by those who were younger that he insisted on keeping his distance from all who approached him? Or was he afraid that I might think he was unnecessary because of his age? Don't the aged realize that they should be both admired and revered because of their years? Doesn't everyone realize what the old have to offer? Don't the old realize this?

 

Another elderly gentleman moved down the road from my house about the same time. He also developed his home into a neat and organized system for all to admire. In trying to be a good neighbor, I waved to him and smiled my friendliest smile. Like my experience with my other neighbor, I was ignored. He merely stared down at the ground praying that I would disappear. Because of my youthful insistence, I decided to try and force out a conversation with my new neighbor but he just looked right through me, and refused to listen to anything I was trying to say. I failed to communicate, and to this day he refuses to return any acknowledgments of friendship or concern.

Again I looked over at the elderly gentleman who was sitting beside me. I wanted to attempt another conversation but decided against it, as I didn't want to make him more uncomfortable than he already was. In years past, I wouldn't have bothered attempting to strike up any conversation with someone that old. I guess I was too interested in my success in society, instead of a success in life. This, more than any other reason, is why I yearn to communicate with those who have survived their years? I believe that if all of us would take the time to learn from the aged then we could learn to live a fuller life. A classic adage is that youth is wasted on the young. I pray that the wisdom of the elderly is not wasted and thus lost on the old.

That elderly gentleman finally decided that it was his time to leave but I sat there for a while contemplating nothing more important than myself. All of a sudden, a young man who rolled up to the bench, on his scooter, broke my self-induced trance. He sat down next to me and I made sure I gave him all the room he needed. I know he looked over at me a couple of times but I am sure I convinced him that I didn't notice. A few minutes later I decided that it was my time to leave and, as I walked back to my car, I again asked myself why won't the old talk to us?

 The End

[Kerry]

My mother lives in another town. My sister lives in another town to...slightly closer to my mothers town than I do.

Yesterday my mother was out for her morning walk and fell in the street. Her neighbors are all elderly but they went out and tried to help her but they couldn't get her up. She called my sister to come help her. and lay in the street until my sister drove from another town to help her! She wouldn't let them call her an ambulance. How stubborn is that? It is Texas in the summer....

Anyway, my sister and husband got there and got her up and into the car...drove her to Tyler (almost an hour away). She broke her left hand, her left kneecap, and her right foot. Can't walk at all. busted her nose...

So she is at my sister's house. (My sister is a nurse and can do all the testing and stuff that my mother needs ...she is diabetic and not being able to move around will cause her blood sugar to go haywire)

The doctor said to come back in two weeks, he thinks the kneecap wasn't dislocated so maybe she won't have to have surgery.

 

I was so saddened to read your news, Jess. You must be devastated.

Towards the end of my own dear Mum's life, she had a fall and broke her hip. It was a time in Australia when the orthopaedic surgeons were on strike, refusing to operate in public hospitals. Their ploy was to force people to obtain treatment in private hospitals, facilities which they often owned. So compassionate of them (not!).

Fortunately, Mum had private health insurance and had her hip replacement surgery in a private hospital.

There followed three months of rehabilitation in a large public hospital. The rehabilitation shouldn't have taken so long. Her recovery was delayed because she had another fall in the hospital whilst exercising. She broke her collar bone, which extended her hospitalization considerably.

I guess we've all got these sorts of things to look forward to, as we grow older and become more dependant on others. Ain't I a real little cheer-up committee!

I lived near my Mum and was always happy to visit and assist wherever I could. I sometimes wonder, though, who's going to look after me when I'm in my dotage. Guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it, hunh.   

[pettifogger]

I am an aging parent who must be dealt with.  My greatest worry is becoming a burden to my children.  I know I am not as sharp as I use to be.  I am old cantankerous and stubborn and wrinkly and forgetful.  But I am still here.

When I am old and senile,
Stick me in a soft, faded chair in the sun
Where my tired eyes can see in the bright light.
Tuck me up in a blanket, and put in my
Trembling, thin and shaky hands an old favorite book
Well read in times of youth and middle age.
Then when I nod and sleep,
Or lose my place,
Or forget the meaning of a word or two,
Or find my eyes too weak to move on
It will not matter.
Old friends to dream of,
Memories of first acquaintance in the pages,
The places and times when I turned there for comfort
Will come and soothe the tired body
And enliven the soul.

That is why I am rereading now--
My neurons must write the paths of memory;
I am laying down treasures
For my fading age.

author unknown

[Kelda]

Pettifoger.

I like these two passages you quoted.

The first one especially. Isn't it funny how we say 'I'll never do that, or act like that, but in time, we do exactly the things we wondered about a few years before. I would say I'm quite a sociable person - so I hope I don't do the ignore thing too often & even in my old age will be a nosy old chatterbox!

[Kerry]

I am an aging parent who must be dealt with.  My greatest worry is becoming a burden to my children.  I know I am not as sharp as I use to be.  I am old cantankerous and stubborn and wrinkly and forgetful.  But I am still here.

This is a favourite poem of mine. It reminds me of my dear Mummy and always brings a tear to my eye:

Cry from the Heart

What do you see nurses, what do you see?
Are you thinking when you are looking at me –
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes.

Who dribbles her food and makes no reply?
When you say in a loud voice, “I do wish you’d try.”
Who seems not to notice the thing that you do.
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.

Who, unresisting or not lets you do as you will.
With bathing and feeding the long day to fill.
Is that what you are thinking, is that what you see?
Then open your eyes nurse, you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am, as I sit here so still.
As I do your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I’m a small child of ten, with a father and mother –
Brothers and sisters who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet.
Dreaming that soon now, a lover she’ll meet.
A bride now twenty, my heart gives a leap.
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.

At 25 now, I have young of my own.
Who need me to build a secure happy home.
A woman of 30, my young grow fast.
Bound to each other, with ties that should last.

At 40 my young sons have grown and are gone.
But my man’s beside me, to see I don’t mourn.
At 50, once more babies play round my knee.
Again we know children, my loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead.
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own.
And I think of the years and the love that I’ve known.

I’m an old woman now and nature is cruel –
‘Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body it crumbles, grace and vigour depart.
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells.
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain.
And I’m loving and living life over again.

I think of the years all too few – gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact, that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, nurse, open and see.
Not a crabby old woman. Look closer – see ME.

Anonymous –
believed to have been written by
an old lady in a geriatric ward
in a hospital in Bath, England

[injest]

I feel for my mother...and I feel for my sister and her kids. They are doing most of the day to day stuff for my mother. They say they don't mind and are being very good with her (one is thirteen and the other seventeen) But my sister hates for her house to be disrupted and her nerves will fray very soon. She is already saying she is exhausted and depressed.

Right now my mother has a good attitude. But that could turn at any time...and I DO understand it is from pain and frustration. It is just hard to deal with is all.

I feel selfish for being so glad she is at my sisters and not at my house....and guilty...

[Shakesthecoffecan]

My mother is 85 years old, and regressing. She is trying to remain a part of the active world, but sometimes she just does not think.

I will be busy as hell and she will call my cell, I let it go to voice mail, a minute later she is on the office phone. Why didn;t you answer your phone? Are you sick?

I want to tell her yes.

[injest]

My mother is 85 years old, and regressing. She is trying to remain a part of the active world, but sometimes she just does not think.

I will be busy as hell and she will call my cell, I let it go to voice mail, a minute later she is on the office phone. Why didn;t you answer your phone? Are you sick?

I want to tell her yes.

{{Truman}}

[dot-matrix]

I talked to my Daddy on the telephone today.  He will be 80 in October.  He has trouble following the conversation anymore, suddenly he's responding to something I did not say.  His hearing is shot so even with the special phone attachment we got him, I have to shout into the phone otherwise he can't hear me at all but pretends he can...so he won't hurt MY feelings he says.

The day is coming when he will have to come live with us or my brother.  He'll hate it.  My prayer, selfish as it may sound, is that he dies peacefully in his sleep, in his own bed, on his beloved ranch before that eventuality becomes a reality.   

[Kerry]

The day is coming when he will have to come live with us or my brother.  He'll hate it.  My prayer, selfish as it may sound, is that he dies peacefully in his sleep, in his own bed, on his beloved ranch before that eventuality becomes a reality.   

Doesn't sound selfish to me at all, Dottie LOL. You say that your Dad would hate to have to leave his beloved ranch. I suspect he may share your same desire - to depart this life in the beautiful way you described, tucked-up snug and secure in his own sweet lil bed. Come to think of it, that's just the way I'd like to go too.

   [[[Dottie]]]   

[Shakesthecoffecan]

We are all having a time, ain;t we? And I don;t see it getting better anytime soon.


((((((((((((((All Ya'll)))))))))))))))

[injest]

but lort it is a relief to have a place to talk about it.

this is a rant. So don't feel you have to read it....but I have held it in all day and all that got me thru was I knew I could come here and vent! 

My mother has Medicaid and Medicare. They will pay for a lift and a home health care worker. But she doesn't want to worry about all that until she finds out if she will need surgery or not (in two weeks). Because it is HER decision!! She is a grown up!

But it affects me, my sister, and our families! She weighs over 200 pounds and can't do anything for herself. My husband and brother in law have to lift her up and down from bed to wheelchair...and my husband is strong but 200 pounds of unweildy dead weight is a lot different than a bale of hay. What if he throws his back out trying to move her? What if they both fall? How will I run the farm with him out?

and with her not wanting to move I am worried about bed sores....

She says she is trying to not be a burden but if she REALLY wants to not be a burden or bother...ask US what we would like to do! She thinks that if she doesn't have surgery she can go back to her apartment. Have a home health care worker come out during the day and stay by herself at night.

Right, she can't move at all on her own....that is a real smart solution....how is she gonna use the bathroom? what if the place catches fire? 

She needs to be realistic and let US decide what we can do or can't do. Don driving over an hour to move her from her chair to the bed is NOT reasonable and 'not being a bother' HE is being very sweet about it and all...but still.

[David In Indy]

My Daddy called me late last night and told me he thought his kidneys were failing. He said he hadn't urinated since twelve noon. We had a scare about 15 years ago. He was admitted in the hospital with failing kidneys. They started him on dialysis and somehow jump started his kidneys. He has been fine ever since, kidney wise that is. But last night sure was a scare for me. This morning I called him up early, and he said he was fine.

I have no idea what's going on here. He gets confused sometimes and calls me for all kinds of strange and weird reasons. Sometimes I think he wants me to come over there and keep him company, which I do. But things like this aren't funny. I think Dad is beginning to revert back to his childhood a little, and I hate to see this happen. He's beginning to seek attention for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he really did have kidney problems last night, and I'm grateful he's okay. But these things sure do scare me.

I'll go visit him again tomorrow. 

[Kerry]

but lort it is a relief to have a place to talk about it.

My heart really goes out to you, Jess. This is such a stressful time for any family. I guess it doesn't get much more stressful than dealing with the infirmity, care and inevitable death of a beloved member of one's family.

My own Mum was a very strong, independently minded woman. Might be something to do with that particular generation. They lived through World War II and the Great Depression and it made them very strong, independent people. I was fortunate with my Mum, however, in that she was always happy to take advice and seek assistance, particularly as her capacity for mobility declined in later years. Didn't stop her sticking up for herself and speaking out when she thought it appropriate, though. And she was sometimes stubborn and would give cheek on occasion. Yikes, I think I'm turning into my mother!     

But I digress. The main reason I'm writing at this time is to mention that we have an Aged Care Assessment Team (ACAT) system here in Australia. The members of the ACAT teams are local health care professionals who assess every aspect of  each aged care patient - physically, mentally, societally, the lot. Their entire raison d'etre is to obtain the best possible outcome for the patient, and as an extension of that, for the families and carers also.

I was wondering if you have such a system in the USA, Jess. In Australia, the ACAT teams are attached to the local public hospitals and as such, their services are free. From what I understand, they obtain excellent results. Often, when the family has been unsuccessful with their loved one, the ACAT team will be successful in convincing the patient to take a particular course of action.

I guess it works because they are external to the family and can, therefore, view the situation objectively. And as an extension of that, the aged person will often accept what they recommend, where they wouldn't accept their family's proposals.

I hope you have something similar to ACAT in Texas, Jess. If you do, don't hesitate to call upon them. 

   [[[Jess]]]    

[Kerry]

My Daddy called me late last night and told me he thought his kidneys were failing. He said he hadn't urinated since twelve noon. We had a scare about 15 years ago. He was admitted in the hospital with failing kidneys. They started him on dialysis and somehow jump started his kidneys. He has been fine ever since, kidney wise that is. But last night sure was a scare for me. This morning I called him up early, and he said he was fine.

I have no idea what's going on here. He gets confused sometimes and calls me for all kinds of strange and weird reasons. Sometimes I think he wants me to come over there and keep him company, which I do. But things like this aren't funny. I think Dad is beginning to revert back to his childhood a little, and I hate to see this happen. He's beginning to seek attention for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he really did have kidney problems last night, and I'm grateful he's okay. But these things sure do scare me.

I'll go visit him again tomorrow. 

I'm a firm believer in seeking professional advice, David, even if there's only the tiniest doubt. Professionals can assess situations objectively, without the emotional involvement.

I hope you will find your Dad in better health, when you visit him tomorrow. And I know you'll give him a big hug. 

Another important thing is that it's easy to ignore our own wellbeing at times such as these. We become so preoccupied with the care of our loved one. It's important to give ourselves plenty of tender loving care at times such as these.

   [[[David]]]   

[Kelda]

Another important thing is that it's easy to ignore our own wellbeing at times such as these. We become so preoccupied with the care of our loved one. It's important to give ourselves plenty of tender loving care at times such as these.

Yes, while i can't offer any practicel advice to you David, Tru & jess - this is an impirtant thing to remember!

Hugs & to all three of you!

[serious crayons]

Who do you recommend crayons?  Neither I nor my sister are very rich nor dirt poor - now.  But get us sick enough to miss several months worth of paycheck then we're no better off than a homeless person since we're supporting ourselves.

I'm sorry, Del. I fell behind on this thread and didn't realize you'd asked me a question. Tomorrow I will look into it and give you any info I can find via PM. I don't know if my mom's same policy is still available, but I can't say enough to praise it. She is in a nursing home and thanks to her insurance is actually making more money than she spends, not including her mandatory payments from her 401(k). It won't last forever, but if her life extends beyond the insurance she'll have built up a big big cushion.

[Bucky]

My dad died when I was fourteen and my mother had to become both mother and father to my brother and me.  My mother is a sweet and dear woman but she is beginning to develop signs of forgetting to take her pills for high blood pressure, heart problems, etc.  She is 79 now and fell and broke her hip five years ago and after that I noticed a real decline in her outlook on life and her health in general.  She had in home physical therapy and was able to walk again with the help of a cane.

She moved in with me about four years ago since I am the only one in the family not married.  It breaks my heart to see such a sweet and loving woman decline in health and memorary.  Still she can hold normal conversations if she is just talking to me but if a stranger should come in the house or if I take her to a doctor she gets nervous and her memorary really begins to fail.  The doctors say that she has some mild to moderate senile dementia but not alzheimer's.  It is hard work to take care of her but I am determined that as long as she can walk or be able to carry on normal conversations that I will not put her in a nursing home.  To me that is the option of the last resort.

[injest]

My dad died when I was fourteen and my mother had to become both mother and father to my brother and me.  My mother is a sweet and dear woman but she is beginning to develop signs of forgetting to take her pills for high blood pressure, heart problems, etc.  She is 79 now and fell and broke her hip five years ago and after that I noticed a real decline in her outlook on life and her health in general.  She had in home physical therapy and was able to walk again with the help of a cane.

She moved in with me about four years ago since I am the only one in the family not married.  It breaks my heart to see such a sweet and loving woman decline in health and memorary.  Still she can hold normal conversations if she is just talking to me but if a stranger should come in the house or if I take her to a doctor she gets nervous and her memorary really begins to fail.  The doctors say that she has some mild to moderate senile dementia but not alzheimer's.  It is hard work to take care of her but I am determined that as long as she can walk or be able to carry on normal conversations that I will not put her in a nursing home.  To me that is the option of the last resort.

I admire you for having the patience and ability to do this for your mother. and I envy your relationship.

 

[Fran]

Bucky, you have my total admiration.

My mother and my stepfather, both well into their eighties now, still live in the house where they raised us, but I can see the day coming when they won't be able to manage their own care.  It's a scary thought. 

It's really hard for me to see the parent-child roles reversed.  I mean, I always looked to them for help, advice, and support, and they always had all of the answers.  Now it saddens me to realize how more and more they are relying on me and my sisters.

This is a horrible thing to say, but sometimes I find visiting them draining, but then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  I guess I project myself into the future and imagine my daughters feeling the same way about spending time with me -- that it's something they do out of obligation, not because it's something they enjoy doing.  (What a drag it is getting old.)

I find it's much easier for me to deal with my widowed mother-in-law -- probably because her issues don't hit so close to home.

And now that I've reread this, I feel bad about actually expressing these thoughts.   

[injest]

Bucky, you have my total admiration.

My mother and my stepfather, both well into their eighties now, still live in the house where they raised us, but I can see the day coming when they won't be able to manage their own care.  It's a scary thought. 

It's really hard for me to see the parent-child roles reversed.  I mean, I always looked to them for help, advice, and support, and they always had all of the answers.  Now it saddens me to realize how more and more they are relying on me and my sisters.

This is a horrible thing to say, but sometimes I find visiting them draining, but then I feel guilty for feeling that way.  I guess I project myself into the future and imagine my daughters feeling the same way about spending time with me -- that it's something they do out of obligation, not because it's something they enjoy doing.  (What a drag it is getting old.)

I find it's much easier for me to deal with my widowed mother-in-law -- probably because her issues don't hit so close to home.

And now that I've reread this, I feel bad about actually expressing these thoughts.   

please don't feel bad. I think it is something we ALL wrestle with. This is one of the hardest things to face in life.

I know I can not have my mother live with me. I can't. There has been too much between us. As awful as it sounds; if it is left to me, she will go straight to the nursing home. And the reason being that is someone is going to be mean to her, I don't want it to be me.  And I can see myself being short and angry with her.

[dot-matrix]

"Crabby Old Man"

What do you see nurses? . . . . . What do you see?
What are you thinking ? . . . . . . When you're looking at me ?
A crabby old man . . . . . .. . . . . not very wise.
Uncertain of habit . . . . . . . . . . with far away eyes ?

Who dribbles his food . . . . . . . And makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice . . ." I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice . . . . . . .The things that you do.
And forever is losing . . . . . . . . . . A sock or a shoe ?"

Who, resisting or not . . . . . . . . . Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding . . . . . The long day to fill ?
Is that what you're thinking . . . . Is that what you see ?
Then open your eyes, nurse . . . . you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am . . . . . ... . . .As I sit here so still,
As i do at your bidding . .. . . . . . As I eat at your will
I'm a small child of ten . . . . . . . with a father and mother.
Brothers and sisters . . . . . . . . . who love one another.

A young boy of sixteen . . . . . . with wings on his feet
Dreaming that soon now . . . . . a lover he'll meet.
A groom soon at Twenty . . . . . . my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows . . . . . . that I promised to keep.

At twenty-five , now . . . . . . . . . I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide . . . . . . . . And a happy secure home.
A man of Thirty . . . . . . . . . . . . . My young now grown fast.
Bound to each other . . . . . . . . . With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons . . . . . . have grown and are gone,
But my woman's beside me . . . to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more . . . . . . . . . . babies play around my knee,
Again we know children . . . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . . . . My wife is now dead.
I look at the future . . . . . . . . . . I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing . . . young of their own.
And I think of the years . . . . . . . And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old man . . . . . . . . . And nature is cruel.
'Tis jest to make old age . . . . . . look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles . . . . . . . . grace and vigor, depart.
There is now a stone . . . . . . . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . . . . A young boy still dwells,
And now and again . . . . . . . . . . my battered heart swells
I remember the joys . . . . . . . . I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years . . . all too few . . . gone too fast
And accept the fact . . . . that nothing can last,
So open your eyes people . . . . open and see . .
Not a crabby old man. Look closer . . . see . . . ME !!

~ author unknown

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who
you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within . .
we will all, one day, be there, too.

[Artiste]

I keep care of my mother.

She is in her 80's!

She does keep care of moi, yes me too!

Hugs!

[shortfiction]

There's a movie coming out called The Savages, about a middle-aged brother and sister, played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Laura Linney, who must put their lives on hold to deal with their father's increasing dementia.   I don't think I could deal with it, since I went through the whole dementia thing with my dad over the last few years before he passed.     But I'm curious.  I hear it's supposed to be quite good.
Do you think you could handle seeing it?    Any of you?

[injest]

There's a movie coming out called The Savages, about a middle-aged brother and sister, played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Laura Linney, who must put their lives on hold to deal with their father's increasing dementia.   I don't think I could deal with it, since I went through the whole dementia thing with my dad over the last few years before he passed.     But I'm curious.  I hear it's supposed to be quite good.
Do you think you could handle seeing it?    Any of you?

I think I could. I am real good in the denial department...

[serious crayons]

There's a movie coming out called The Savages, about a middle-aged brother and sister, played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Laura Linney, who must put their lives on hold to deal with their father's increasing dementia.   I don't think I could deal with it, since I went through the whole dementia thing with my dad over the last few years before he passed.     But I'm curious.  I hear it's supposed to be quite good. Do you think you could handle seeing it?    Any of you?

I'd like to see it, actually. I find it interesting and reassuring to see others deal with the same problems I do. I'm not into support groups, but this probably fills a similar function.

[Nikita111]

I keep care of my mother.

She is in her 80's!

She does keep care of moi, yes me too!

Hugs!

My colleague at work has mother at that same age and she is 47. She is gay I think but she would never admit it to me. She has a girlfriend "trip friend" how she calls her - they go to bikes on weekends but they live in different cities. Well, I am thinking what she will do when her mom dies . . . . she will be devastated and so alone. The girlfriend maybe then move to herp lace. But you never know. None of my speculations were ever confirmed so maybe it is just a bike friend.

[ZK]

My Mum turned 80 this year and for the last two years shes been in a nursing home. After breaking her hip at home and having several turns, she became increasingly unsafe in her own home. Despite her Doctors recommendation she did not want to leave the her home of 45 plus years, so my middle brother and I were visiting her four times a day, to ensure her morning meds were taken, we got her dressed, then lunch, dinner and eventually tucked her in at night. After 3 months my brother and I were worn out, she was also became unsafe and clearly a danger to herself. It broke our hearts to sit down and explain the need for her to go into care. The first rest home was a bit of a disaster, the second one we moved her to was a new facility and was able to give her the care she needed. After a couple of months she had settled in. She is happy as larry there. The nurses dote on her, they pop in to say hi, and tell her all their problems. Al  the nurses know my life history!! oh the embarrassment. In short the reality was for us, that neither my middle brother nor I could look after Mum, and although we were apprehensive about nursing home care, we had little choice in the sense were unable to provide the level of care she needed. What we did have was a choice in the place where Mum was to stay, it took us some time to find somewhere where the physical care could be provided and  a caring environment(you know some of the nurses even give Mum a hug and a kiss on the cheek at night). Mum no longer wants to be at home, shes happy and content where she is

[injest]

thank you ZK. I know nursing homes have a bad reputation but sometimes the alternative is worse. WAY worse. Some people just can't be caregivers.

There is a lady at my job that is over sixty, her motherinlaw lived to be over a hundred and this lady refused to allow her to go to a nursing home. Instead she came in everyday, shaking having been up all night....she would be on the phone with the old woman screaming at her at the top of her lungs. Talk about how she wished the old woman would die so she could be free. The old woman wandered outside at night, setting off the alarms and sometimes falling down the steps...

I think about that old woman...how sad her last years were, even though she was 'at home'. The last time she fell, they had to put her in a nursing home for therapy. The woman begged them not to take her home. She wanted to stay with there....she went out to dinner  with a group, she got her hair done...there was an old man that flirted with her.

and the woman I worked with was much more relaxed and talked about enjoying visiting her there.

If only they had done it years earlier...

[Kelda]

Mum no longer wants to be at home, shes happy and content where she is

 

[Artiste]

I need help here too, like all of you maybe!!

My mother is in her 80's!

And I am no spring chicken! Maybe I am a parent!

Hugs!

[Artiste]

I sure would like to know more about how to deal with an aging parents!!

Any help?

Au revoir,
hugs!

[optom3]

Like most of my life at the moment this is a difficult one for me.We are here in the USA and all parents are back in the U.K.Because of a mess up with our visa renewal,we are on a Visa extension.This means for the next year untill our visa renews we are landlocked.
I am terrified of anything happening to my parents in the meantime.

My dad is 75 but very healthy.my mum is 73 and very unhealthy.My mum in law is 70 and pretty fit my father in law is 95 and not so fit!!!!
If they became ill or die before our Visa renews we could go to them but then would only be allowed back into the states for 30 days.Not much time to sell a business and house in todays economic climate.Also my children have all made their lives here.They do not want to go back to England,even the older one.
So it is a situation that haunts me on an almost daily basis.If they died that would be horrendous if I did not go to the funeral,but by far the worst scenario would be,if they were very ill and I did not get to say goodbye.
Who comes first,parents or kids.I just pray that the visa renews,before anything happens to them.Once it renews as opposed to extending we are free to leave and re enter the country again.
My husband is much more pragmatic,he says as regards his parents,he said his goodbyes when we left England.He would not jeopardise the kids futures here by leaving for funerals or sickness.I know deep down I would stay for the kids,but I also know the guilt would haunt me for ever.
Keep your fingers crossed for a speedy renewal for us,so we do not have to face this situation.We only have to get through about another 6-7 months and then we are O.K again
It has happened to a few English people here on E2 visa extensions and their tales are heart breaking.

[Kelda]

thats a hard situation  to be in 

[delalluvia]

Like most of my life at the moment this is a difficult one for me.We are here in the USA and all parents are back in the U.K.Because of a mess up with our visa renewal,we are on a Visa extension.This means for the next year untill our visa renews we are landlocked.
I am terrified of anything happening to my parents in the meantime.

My dad is 75 but very healthy.my mum is 73 and very unhealthy.My mum in law is 70 and pretty fit my father in law is 95 and not so fit!!!!
If they became ill or die before our Visa renews we could go to them but then would only be allowed back into the states for 30 days.Not much time to sell a business and house in todays economic climate.Also my children have all made their lives here.They do not want to go back to England,even the older one.
So it is a situation that haunts me on an almost daily basis.If they died that would be horrendous if I did not go to the funeral,but by far the worst scenario would be,if they were very ill and I did not get to say goodbye.
Who comes first,parents or kids.I just pray that the visa renews,before anything happens to them.Once it renews as opposed to extending we are free to leave and re enter the country again.
My husband is much more pragmatic,he says as regards his parents,he said his goodbyes when we left England.He would not jeopardise the kids futures here by leaving for funerals or sickness.I know deep down I would stay for the kids,but I also know the guilt would haunt me for ever.
Keep your fingers crossed for a speedy renewal for us,so we do not have to face this situation.We only have to get through about another 6-7 months and then we are O.K again
It has happened to a few English people here on E2 visa extensions and their tales are heart breaking.

Poor thing.  It is a tough choice.  Your husband is a lucky man.  My ex-BF had parents who were very accepting of his freedom to live his own life.  Unfortunately the rest of us are stuck with aging parents who not only want their children to care for them, they expect them to and also want to stay in their own homes and can be so self-absorbed by their own problems that they ignore or forget that you can't just drop everything at anytime, that you're tired and have your own chores to do, and can't talk or deal with their financial issues when you're at work.  We struggled to care for them, have given up our dreams so we can stay nearby "just in case" and pretty soon they will end up in a nursing home all the same kicking and screaming all the way.  It can be a bitter pill to swallow.

[Artiste]

Thanks delalluvia, thanks kelda, thanks optom3!!!

Yes, it is hard to be away so far from relatives. My aunt is in North California and she can NOT travel anymore since she has been too sick. My uncle in South California had open heart surgery! My aunt in Arizona is not well neither.
And the list goes on.

It is impossible to see everyone. Mother who is too sick can not travel neither. So, I keep being with her.

Even if air planes were helpful, after cars on long roads, everything is too much time, etc., now... to do so.
Old age sure is not what we want... but we all take turns to be sick. Some old persons live so brilliantly and are very well, even race, walk for miles, and they are envied by me!

Wow, how times passes quickly! I sure wish we could go back and relive our own youth! Wow, that would be fun and I would change things more, I suppose?

Hugs, hugs, hugs!!!

[delalluvia]

Thanks delalluvia, thanks kelda, thanks optom3!!!

Yes, it is hard to be away so far from relatives. My aunt is in North California and she can NOT travel anymore since she has been too sick. My uncle in South California had open heart surgery! My aunt in Arizona is not well neither.
And the list goes on.

It is impossible to see everyone. Mother who is too sick can not travel neither. So, I keep being with her.

Even if air planes were helpful, after cars on long roads, everything is too much time, etc., now... to do so.
Old age sure is not what we want... but we all take turns to be sick. Some old persons live so brilliantly and are very well, even race, walk for miles, and they are envied by me!

Wow, how times passes quickly! I sure wish we could go back and relive our own youth! Wow, that would be fun and I would change things more, I suppose?

Hugs, hugs, hugs!!!

Very true Artist, we all want longer lives, but only if we're in excellent shape and able to continue to be independent.  Seeing how my dad and now my mom have become so decrepit and chronically ill, makes me wonder if that's how I really want to end up.

[Artiste]

Thanks susie, thanks delalluvia!!

   I don't think I am equipped to.

 

............

I did not think so neither, and I learn everyday, since we take turns Mother and I being sick. And one of my brothers, we can telephone him anytime and he comes to help, so helpful and quiet he is, that he calms us down and we all become happy again!!! At least, he visits weekly. We give him chores, like fix electricity, he learned that from father; he fixed often water taps, etc; boy, we sure save money with him and we loved him dearly for all his wondrous helps and encouragements. Glad that you are with your mother; maybe your father will become closer by fixing things?

.............

makes me wonder if that's how I really want to end up.

..........
Moi aussi, me too!! However, that is one reason among many that we can and must keep ourselves healthy, right??

How??

Hugs, hugs!!

[optom3]

Very true Artist, we all want longer lives, but only if we're in excellent shape and able to continue to be independent.  Seeing how my dad and now my mom have become so decrepit and chronically ill, makes me wonder if that's how I really want to end up.

I really hope I have inherited my fathers genes.He is fit as  a fidle and looks 10 years younger than he is.He is realy my mothers care giver,so I also hope he outlasts her.
I had a terrible argument with my brother before we moved here.I have helped with my mother for the past 15 years.She is not only incapacitated,but has become very unpleasant with it,particularly towards me.
Sometimes I think my dad must really love her to put up with it.Anyway,my brother was aking who was going to help if dad became ill.I pointed out that after 20 years of living in Japan and leaving it all to me,perhaps it could be his turn.Also his work is all on a computer so totaly portble.Not only that his wife and child live in India(messy) so he travels a lot anyway.Our business is not portable and we have 3 kids who live with us.
He thought I was unreasonable and should stay in England and continue as before.
FAMILIES YOU CAN'T PICK THEM!!!!!!

[Artiste]

Thanks optoms!

Very true, that families are there, at times!

Just wishing not so far away! Miles!!

And heart away too sometimes!

So, guess it is important to reknew friendships with family!! Forever!!

Hugs to you! Do your kids, you and husband have a dog? Here is mother's, entering from to-day's snow having melted on him!!

[optom3]

Thanks optoms!

Very true, that families are there, at times!

Just wishing not so far away! Miles!!

And heart away too sometimes!

So, guess it is important to reknew friendships with family!! Forever!!

Hugs to you! Do your kids, you and husband have a dog? Here is mother's, entering from to-day's snow having melted on him!!

Yes we do a golden retriever and mini maltese.Like little and large.The retriever gives the maltese rides on her back,so cute,she even lets her swing on her tail.An amazingly beautiful tempered and patient dog.The maltese is just cute.We also have 2 cats,so its quite a full house!!!!!
I would hate a house without animals.or for that matter flowers,although its an uphill struggle trying to stop the cats eating the flowers,don't ask me why!!!!

[delalluvia]

I don't know how we can stay healthy, Artiste.

My mother was very healthy and active up until recently, but then things happened to her that were out of her control.

She's been living with cancer ever since I was young.  Due to all the chemotherapy she's taken over the years, her heart has become weak and has started leaking.  Then, surprising all of us, like an internal hernia, the muscle of her diaphragm slipped out of place and is pressing against her left lung limiting her intake of air.

So now, she can no longer exercise to keep strong due to her weakened heart, nor could she if she tried due to her restricted lung capacity.  So she's becoming weaker and weaker.  A couple of years ago the woman was mowing her own lawn, today, she can barely walk from one room to another without getting out of breath and dizzy.  It is difficult for her to even get out of her walker/chair.  She often doesn't make it to the toilet on time. 

None of what has sapped her strength and her quality of life is something she could control.

It grieves me to watch her frustration with herself and her lack of independence and it terrifies me that I'll end up like her.

[ZK]

FAMILIES YOU CAN'T PICK THEM!!!!!!

I have two elder brothers (by 10 and 8 years), my middle brother and I helped Mum look after my Dad when he became ill with Parkinsons. When Mum became ill, it was my middle brother and I wore took care of her. My eldest brother did virtually nothing (only once did he ever get Mum changed for bed and tuck her in, he never took her and helped her with the loo, changed her clothes, fed her, took her to the doctors).
Even when Mum was rushed off to hospital by Ambulance (which I lose count the number of times) he'd ring the hospital to see if she would last the night or not, and then decide to visit her! Even when I begged him to help us, because both my middle brother and I were scareley coping his reply was that his priority was his immediate family only. Yet here he is the "christian" amongst our family (he doesn't count the rest of us as any because we are a different denomination to him).
Sorry if I sound bitter, but I am so over him.  However heres a wee quote I like and rings true for me, I have the best friend ever who is always there for me and would help me with anything, even to look after Mum. Shes the sister I never had

"Friends are the family we choose"

[Artiste]

Thanks ZK, thanks delalluvia, thanks optom!!!

Wow:

The retriever gives the maltese rides on her back,so cute,she even lets her swing on her tail.An amazingly beautiful tempered and patient dog.The maltese is just cute

........

Wow, would I ever love to see that. Ever thought of making a clip of that for us and you?? Maybe your kids and husband can help you make that movie? Ride on a tail? That might be a first in the world?

.........

Will reply later to you and to others (remind me, if I forget please).

I must rest bit for now.

Au revoir,
hugs! Mother's dog... sure keeps her and I busy and happy too!! I heard that we survive longer if we have a pet?

[delalluvia]

My aunt the nurse just called.

She had spoken with my mother yesterday and she was worried about the tone in her voice.

"I just wanted to tell you what the doctors told me the last time I took your mom to the doctor."

"OK."

"I was told you mother probably won't see her next birthday."

My mom's birthday is in April.

I said, "Oh?"

I didn't know what to say.  What do you say to something like that?

Instead I reassured my aunt that I had just - not a half hour earlier - been at my mom's visiting, taking groceries.  She had eaten a big bowl of soup and crackers, a big mug of milk while I was there and had been in good spirits.  We had made plans to take her to her new church on Easter weekend.

My mom's favorite holiday.

I knew she had had a digestive oopsie the day before but she'd been very sick to her stomach then.  She was better now.

I suppose my aunt was trying to be helpful, letting us know if we didn't already that my mom had basically been sent home to die.

My matter of fact reply, "Yes, we know.  We talk to the doctors.  Mom told us." must have nonplussed her.  I suppose she must have been expecting some drama?

We've been living with this for so long, we know she's fading and there's not a damned thing any of us can do about it.  It's massively sad and depressing and you feel so helpless, but what good does it do to linger on it?

She's alive now, so I let her live.

I try to let her live her life, be as independent as she can be, while helping when she can't.  We talk work, neighborhood and family gossip, politics.

My aunt suggested we send hospice nurses to check on my mother and she thought someone should check on her every day.

I let that suggestion hang in the air.

My aunt - my mother's sister, with no young children, no husband and long retired - did not volunteer.

So I just said, "We call her almost every day, someone goes to visit at least 2-4 times a week."

I guess, I don't know why she called.  Just an FYI, I suppose.

So now, I'm pretty bummed but am going to try to not let it get me too depressed. 

I'm betting she will make it to her birthday.

[optom3]

to dellaluvia,
it is my experience that some people just like to "spread" bad news, almost relish it.That may be the case with your Aunt.
I am only posing a possibility.It is like my mother in law,she scans the deaths columns of the news paper and the 1st 5 mins of every phone call she has with my husband is always who ha died.
I sometimes wonder if it is like hah!!!! outlasted her/him sort of situation.
We get to hear of deaths before any births!!!! and my husband does not even listen for the 1st 5 mins of calls now,just says yes/no at intervals.
All you can do, is whatever time your mom has, is make sure she lives it ths best she can,on the days she can.We all know we are going to die,some people can accept it esier than others.
Me,it scares witless,but maybe as you get older you become more at ease with it.
If it is any help,my mom used to be a nurse on intensive care,and witnessed many deaths.She always maintained that she never saw one that was not peaceful at the very end,even following horrendous pain and illness.
A good friend of mine died way too young ,34,but she died at home in her fathers arms after battling cancer for 4 years.He said she got out of bed despite being incredibly weak.Sat on her fathers lap,insisting she did not want to get back in bed,and then quietly slipped away.
That made me feel better.
I am not of any religious faith, and only passing on from my own and mothers experience.
Keep strong,and be guided by your own instincts.

[delalluvia]

Thank you, I think you're right about my aunt.  Some people can't wait to be the bearer of news be it bad or good.  Or, under the guise of being helpful and informative, call to tell you bad news.  I recall the horrendous morning I had once, on my way to school, my job was part-time in the afternoon, when a co-worker called me at home to 'just let me know' that they were going to lay me off that day.

 

So, thanks to her 'warning' I got to fret and get more and more upset about it all day before I got to the office that afternoon.  Longest morning of my life.

Then, I didn't get laid off that day.  It was about a month later that they finally did it. 

[Katie77]

Hi everyone......I often come into this thread to read the posts, but have never contributed before. My mum is 81, and I have experienced some of the things mentioned here, and I sympathise and understand what some of you are going through. Most of you are in worse situations that I am, and I admire the strength that you have found to deal with some tragic and very sad circumstances.

I also understand, when some of you write in here, and then feel guilty about what you have said, and I guess that is why I have not added my grievances, because I feel guilty just thinking about them, let alone writing them down.

My mum, is 81 and although riddled with a lot of arthritis is still considerably active for her age. Her story is quite sweet...when we moved to this town 5 years ago, she moved into a retirement village, where she had her own self contained unit....there she became friendly with a lovely man and they enjoyed going out to dinner together, and watching TV together. They eventually wanted to move out of the retirement village, so we offered them a unit (apartment) which we have, and the two of them have been living there together  now for over 12 months. They are fairly independent, do their own shopping, cook their own meals and unless they are seriously ill, even get themselves to the doctor....oh by the way, my mums partner is 91 and is a lovely gentle man. His family of two sons and a daughter do not live in this town, the closest, his daughter, lives about 3 hours from here. I am my mum's only child.

There have been times, when mum has had a fall, or is very sick and they call me and I organise medical attention or get her to the hospital and tend to her needs until she is well again, but considering her age, I am very fortunate that she does not need my attention around the clock, most of the time. I visit them every couple of days, and make sure they are OK, and have everything that they need.

Now, the problem I have, and find frustrating and upsetting, is that my mum is nearly deaf. She has been using hearing aids for five years. She is entitled to excellent medical facilities and has always been supplied with the most modern hearing aids available.....but she hardly ever wears them. Sometimes I have visited her, and so many times, I am having a conversation with her, and I realize that she is just nodding her head, and not hearing a word I am saying. I have asked her,  use her hearing aid, and she always has an excuse not to wear them.....I got that way, that I just stopped talking to her. I felt guilty, but I couldn't see the point, if she only picked up a few words here and there. Consequently, when I callled in to see her, my visits were short with very little conversation.

I took her to the doctor  last week, and she did not have her hearng aid in, and if I had not been with her, she would not have had a clue what the doctor was asking her or telling her.

Today, I called in to see her, and I totally lost it. I asked her something, and she replied with an answer that had nothing whatsoever to do with what I had said to her. Then I started telling her something about one of the kids or something,  and she just cut in on what I was saying, and started talking about something else, and I just stopped talking and looked at her. Her partner who was sitting next to her, and was listening, told her that I was talking to her, and chastised  her for butting in on me. I just said, "dont worry about it, I'm going" and I left....her partner followed me out, and put his arm around me, and told me not to be upset, and I told him, I just cant have a conversation with her anymore, if she cant have the curtesy of wearing her hearing aids, then I will take it that she is not interested in hearing anything I have to say. I was angry, but I was more upset, and as I drove away, I cried at the thought that the days of me having a conversation with my mother, are over, and I feel so sad about that.

I have never worn a hearing aid, so dont know whether they are uncomfortable to wear or not. My mum voluntarily sought help for her hearing over five years ago, she had the best medical attention available and has been supplied with excellent equipment to assist her with her hearing. She is informed if a newer more suitable hearing aid comes on the market, and is once again supplied with them.....and then she leaves them in a box on her dressing table. She has the ability to have a better quality of life and she choses not to use it.

Maybe I am being too hard on her, and I dont mean to be, and now I am feeling guilty about whinging about it, but if I feel like this, then others must feel like it too, and eventually she will not have anyone who will call in to "talk" to her.  She was expecting a friend, for a visit, when I was there today, and I suspect, that visitor too, was not going to hold any type of conversation with her.  My mum has her full mental facilities, she is alert and intelligent but when she butts in on what you are saying, or talks about something completely off subject, she gives the impression that she is suffering from dementia, even seems a bit "ditzy".

Oh dear......I know there are many of you here, that have far far worse things to deal with. I'm just feeling very sad, thats all.....I dont know how long I will have her, and I love her dearly, and it would be so nice to be able to sit down and talk with her again.

[serious crayons]

Sue, I think these situations are just hard no matter what. Don't feel guilty whinging. That's what this thread is here for. I sought it out myself just now to talk about what's going on with my mom.

She has Alzheimer's. She's been declining for -- well, depending on when you start counting, maybe up to 12 years or so. It's been really hard to watch her get worse and worse. She's now in a nursing home.

Today, though, the nurse from the nursing home called to say she was in bad shape. She might have one day left, she might have six months -- there's no way to tell. So I'm flying out to see her in a week, and hopefully she'll still be around then.

But here's the problem. I have such strange mixed feelings about her dying. On the one hand, I feel really sad about the loss of my mom of, say, 15 years ago. We were never super-close, but we got along well. We'd go to movies and dinner together and stay up late talking about politics and current events and fashion and literature and movies (that is, not really personal things, but interesting things) and have fun. She was a good mom and always really kind to me. She helped me out in a lot of ways.

But the person she's been in the past few years has nothing to do with that. When I saw her at Christmas, she was able to hold a lively conversation -- except that nothing she said had any connection to reality. Or even to whatever the other person had just said. She'd talk about imaginary people and events ... I think she recognized me, at least as someone who was close, but that was about it. Conversation was really hard.

So although I feel sad that she'll be gone, it's not like the person who's dying is the same person as the one I really miss. That person has been gone for years and years, but I was never able to fully mourn her. So I feel really strange and ambivalent. Sad, but maybe not as sad as I "should" be, but guilty for not feeling more sad ...

Does that make any sense?

[Brown Eyes]

{{{Katherine}}}

I'm so sorry to hear the news about your mother.  And, I can hardly imagine how difficult it must have been these past 12 years or so.  That seems like a really long time to endure watching such a scary and sad disease impact your mother.  As Jack would say, that's truly hard Bud.

This is one of those situations where it's hard to know what to say. 

But, what you just posted certainly makes sense and I don't think you should feel guilty or beat yourself up about your feelings and reactions about this.

I hope, at least, that writing about this a little bit here helps you work through some of your feelings about this.



 

[Katie77]

Oh dear......my heart goes out to you Katherine.

Dont know what else to say, except dont feel guilty. I have a friend who lost her mum, after years of alzeheimers, and she felt the same way as you. I think it is understandable, and a normal feeling, that you feel like you lost your mother many many years ago.

What a terrible affliction alzheimers is, not only to the person who gets it, but to all those who have to watch it take someone they love.....its a very cruel situation.

Take care, Katherine, my thoughts are with you.

[serious crayons]

Thanks, you guys, so much. I have to say that it is really nice to be able to come here and talk about this. It's actually something that's hard to discuss even with people I know really well. Once again, it's this weird factor of the internet -- both the closeness and the distance, I guess -- that somehow opens lines of communication.

In person, it's different, in a way I can't describe very well. I guess I don't like being an "object of pity." I know that sounds silly, but that somehow describes my feelings, which causes me to downplay problems within my family. This happens even with people who would ordinarily be my support system. I resist being the object of sympathy, so I either don't talk about things, or I make them seem less of a big deal than they are.

Anyway, back to this situation. Sometimes I wonder when I write "my thoughts are with you" to someone I know here who's going through hard time, whether that really makes a difference. Now I know. It really does.

So thanks so much for being here, {{{Amanda and Sue}}}.

 

Katherine

[serious crayons]

Thanks, Susie. And that does help!

BTW, I like your new avatar.

[Kelda]

(((Katherine))))

Yes, like everyone says here - it makes perfect sense - you lost your Mom 12 years ago really..

Not sure I can say anything else to make you feel better but 

9On a slight side note, I saw for the first time last night 'The Notebook' - oh i cried like a baby at that - have you seen that? Its very well dne.

I don't want to talk too much about it for those of you who haven't seen it but its story fits well here.

[serious crayons]

On a slight side note, I saw for the first time last night 'The Notebook' - oh i cried like a baby at that - have you seen that? Its very well dne.

I don't want to talk too much about it for those of you who haven't seen it but its story fits well here.

Thanks, Kelda.

And I know what you're saying about "The Notebook." I haven't seen it, but I heard enough about it to figure out what the deal is. I should watch it sometime, because I love Ryan Gosling. But as for the other aspect, the part with -- is it Gena Rowlands and James Garner? -- I'm a bit scared to see.

When you have a parent with Alzheimer's you can't help wondering about whether it is in your own future.

[Kelda]

It's Gena Rowland....

You should watch it thought it is a kind of happy sad...

[Artiste]

It puzzles me since this does not seem to be a daily subject for many !!

  Dealing With Aging Parents ... surely is important?

Hugs!

[Artiste]

More news anyone, how to deal with age... ?

[delalluvia]

It puzzles me since this does not seem to be a daily subject for many !!

  Dealing With Aging Parents ... surely is important?

Hugs!

Probably because we're mostly doing it and just not writing about it much.

[Kelda]

Yes, how are you getting on with things Della?

[delalluvia]

Yes, how are you getting on with things Della?

It's difficult, but we're taking it one day at a time and trying to make them positive days.

[injest]

It's difficult, but we're taking it one day at a time and trying to make them positive days.

 

[Kelda]

yup 

[delalluvia]

Thanks, y'all.  Means a lot.

[Artiste]

More news about aging parents?

How can we help?

And be helped too?

[delalluvia]

My mom's last CAT scan came back bad.  Her medication is no longer working.  The mass in her chest is growing again.

The problem is that her oncologist has given up.  They don't want to try a new medication, they don't want to tweak her dosage.  They just pulled her off the meds and basically said 'Go home and die comfortably."

They have this "quality of life" philosophy in that they will do nothing that will make a patient's remaining life miserable.

I mean, I can understand that, but that kinda flies in the face of someone who isn't willing to give up, you know?

My mom's doctor said she was "in denial", but she isn't.  She's just not ready to give up which is what her doctors have.

Mother wants a 2nd opinion and a new CAT scan.

She had all the family gather, we're still not sure why, to tell us this info.  It's not really news.  Mom has been terminal for over a year now, and she is obviously in decline and all her treatments have been doing is buying her time.  But she has a very strong will to live.  The CAT scan before this had showed her cancer had not grown nor spread anymore and I was ecstatic at the news.

She was upset and disappointed.  My sister had wondered what she was expecting.  And all I could say is that she was upset because she wanted signs that she was being cured - going back into remission.

Even at her age and condition and situation, she still prays to her god to be cured (which I find very sad) and is hopeful to find a new treatment, especially to spite her oncologists, who, one after another, have given up on her.

So I'm scrambling, trying to find another doctor.  Some doctors are so rude.  One offered to give a 2nd opinion, but would not talk to my mother face to face about any results.  Apparently it's too much trouble and they're too busy. 

[Kelda]

oh del.. I wish you all the best. 

[Front-Ranger]

Your mother has every right to a second opinion! And you are a loving daughter for helping her get one!

My mother and her dog have moved into my house and all are doing quite well so far. We are very fortunate that at 82, she doesn't have any serious health problems.

[delalluvia]

Thanks guys.

[delalluvia]

Mom took a bad downturn Sunday night.

She's been in the hospital ever since.  She's coherent now, only a little befuddled, but she pretty much knows what's going on.

They did some tests.  She can no longer swallow without taking food into her lungs.  My sister and brother and I will be talking to the doctors tomorrow about how to go about putting in a feeding tube and that means a nursing home.

She's not dying and she's not dead, but I can't stop crying because she left home so suddenly and not a single one of us ever thought she wasn't coming back and now I'm walking around the house thinking about the services she gets that I have to call to cancel, I'm looking at all the things I bought her to make her life easier, all the food and drinks she's never going to taste and I feel so guilty about being impatient with her over the last few months and I just want to die.

[serious crayons]

I'm looking at all the things I bought her to make her life easier, all the food and drinks she's never going to taste and I feel so guilty about being impatient with her over the last few months and I just want to die.

Look at the first part of that quote, Del. Think about all the things you did to make her life easier. All the ways you tried to keep her comfortable and in as pleasant an environment as possible. For example, I remember you coming on here and asking for ideas for serving milk in a way that would be convenient and easy for her to get her favorite beverage.

Focus on the fact that you did everything you could, and remind yourself that things have probably been as nice for her as they could be, under the circumstances -- thanks to your help.

Yeah, sometimes it's frustrating taking care of people who are old or sick. That doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just means you're human. It's obvious that you love her and want the best for her. And your frustration didn't keep you from caring for her as well as you knew how. Take comfort from that, now and into the future.

{{{{{Delalluvia}}}}}

[Lynne]

Hey there, Del,

I want to offer some comfort too, though I know how tough it is when things get this bad. 

You can definitely tell me to mind my own business - no harm, no foul.  But my own mom has had to have a ventilator and feeding tube on two different occasions, while the doctors played with antibiotic cocktails to suppress her MRSA infection.

I'm only saying this because the last time was 2006? or whatever year Katrina was, and although she was weak and spent several months in a nursing home afterward, Mom was back home as quickly as possible and there still.  Actually she hasn't had anything serious since then (knock wood and cross everything possible).

Are you sure this feeding tube business is the beginning of a final outcome?  Oftentimes, there's always hope.  If my mother's doctor hadn't been so confident about the last MRSA fight, I would have denied her the last four-plus years of her life because the first time she had so much mental damage when she came back.  He saved her life, when I would chosen differently.  I'm thankful he's a man I have always been able to trust with her.

Ultimately, that doesn't matter at this moment, tho.  I think you should do your best to be grateful for the time you've had with her and the things you've been able to do for her, no matter the result.  You'll never regret that.  And, as sad as it is to say, I doubt you'll ever feel like you've done enough, no matter what you've done or do from here on out.  I think it's one of those mother/daughter things.   

Keep us posted on her condition and how you're doing, please.  I'm keeping you close in my thoughts, as always.

Lynne

[Kelda]

((((Del))))

Def what Lynne & Katherine said...

[Penthesilea]

Katherine and Lynne are right. You don't have reason to feel guilty. You're only human, as we all are. Look at all the things you've done for her. I also remember the conversation about the milk supply. I know you're a loving and caring daughter, you take family duties very seriously.

Best wishes for your mom. And for you!

(((Del)))

[Jeff Wrangler]

(((Del)))

So sorry to hear your mother has taken this turn. I'm sure this is a painful time for you both.

[Mandy21]

She's not dying and she's not dead, but I can't stop crying because she left home so suddenly and not a single one of us ever thought she wasn't coming back and now I'm walking around the house thinking about the services she gets that I have to call to cancel, I'm looking at all the things I bought her to make her life easier, all the food and drinks she's never going to taste and I feel so guilty about being impatient with her over the last few months and I just want to die.

Del, so sorry to hear this, but I know exactly what you're going through.  My mom passed away in a nursing home, it will have been 18 months next Wednesday.  My brother and I still own our family home we grew up in, and neither of us can bring ourselves to enter it to clean it out.  Fiona put it best when she said it must feel like a mausoleum to us now, and she's spot-on.  Before I even open the front door, I can smell the memories, and I usually just sit down right there on the floor of the entryway and bawl my eyes out, then continue crying and shaking my head in disbelief for the whole 10 minutes I can be there.  It's just awful.  I definitely feel for you.  I wish I'd spent more time by her side in the nursing home, but I couldn't ever contain my tears to see her in the shape she was in.  Wish I'd been stronger.

[delalluvia]

My mother is gone.

[Jeff Wrangler]

My mother is gone.

I'm so sorry, Del. It's awfully difficult to lose a parent. I'll think of you over what is, for me, a holiday weekend.

(((Del)))

[Front-Ranger]

(((Del)))
 

[serious crayons]

{{{Del}}}

Thinking of you.

[Fran]

I'm so sorry, Del.

[Mandy21]

Oh Del, you poor thing.  Sending you prayers for strength to get through this.

[Brown Eyes]

I'm sorry to hear this, Del.  Sending along my sympathy.

[Lynne]

I am so very sorry to hear this sad news, Del.  Please let us know (PMs or thread) if you need anything, or if there's anything any of us can do, even (maybe especially) if you just need to talk.  Your Brokie friends are here for you.

Lynne
 

[southendmd]

My sincere condolences, Del.

[Sason]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Del.

[min]

My mother is gone.

Oh Del so sorry to hear this. 

(((Del)))

[Penthesilea]

I'm very sorry to hear this, Del. I keep you in my thoughts.
(((Del)))

[Kelda]

Del, I'm so sorry to hear this, but she's at peace and out of pain now...

 

[Monika]

I´m so sorry, Del. Hang in there

[Brokeback_Dev]

You're in my thoughts, Del.  Sorry about your mom.  It hard I know, i lost my mom about 5 years ago. 

[Lynne]

If you get a chance, Del, stop by and let us know how things are going.

Lynne

[Kelda]

bumping some old threads

[Sason]

Oh, this looks like a thread I could use...   

Just don't have the time right now for any lengthy posts.

[Monika]

Just don't have the time right now for any lengthy posts.

whenever you feel like it and have the time......

[Sason]

((( Monika )))   

[Kelda]

whenever you feel like it and have the time......

As Monika says, come back when you have time 

[Sason]

As Monika says, come back when you have time 

Thanks Kelda, I will.