Heath Heath Heath

[Nikita111]

I think I grieve backwards. 

Last week, Tuesday and Wednesday, I was in shock. Then Thursday morning, I had my visit with Heath and I was just happy and relieved because I knew in my heart that he was okay. That feeling lasted a few days and yesterday (Sunday) I was actually starting to feel normal again and think about the week and things I needed to do and so on. Then last night--I had a lousy night, tossing and turning--my head was filled with images and thoughts and I feel like I haven't slept at all. So now I am edgy and depressed, and feel like I have been wrung out. I just watched Daniel Day-Lewis's acceptance speech at the SAG awards and that has me sobbing my heart out.

It reminds me so much of the early days of BBM fever....

Thanks for listening.

L

I know that a lot of pain is inside our hearts and bodies. I think you kept the grieving locked inside of yourself. Whatever people say tears are healing.
I am still in horrible stress and pain but I am fighting, trying to surround myself with positive things. But I still feel like something inside me is crying even when I laugh.

[Meryl]

As I was telling RouxB, it's almost as hard to watch fellow Heathens being torn up as it is to grieve the incalculable loss of Heath.  Even our closest friends and family are unable to grasp the attachment we've formed to him over these past two years.  I've given up even the thought of trying to explain it to them and just keep it close to my heart.  Last night's speech by Daniel Day-Lewis helped to open up tears that had been unable to break through the numbness and disbelief I'd been feeling all week.

Hang in there, Friends.  I know it will get better, but time takes time. 

[Penthesilea]

As I was telling RouxB, it's almost as hard to watch fellow Heathens being torn up as it is to grieve the incalculable loss of Heath.  Even our closest friends and family are unable to grasp the attachment we've formed to him over these past two years.  I've given up even the thought of trying to explain it to them and just keep it close to my heart.  Last night's speech by Daniel Day-Lewis helped to open up tears that had been unable to break through the numbness and disbelief I'd been feeling all week.

Hang in there, Friends.  I know it will get better, but time takes time. 

Thank you Meryl for this post.
No explaining to people unable to understand, yes. But at the same time this means being forced to fake normalcy and having nobody in RL who is just there.
All the more reason to be grateful for our community. And yes, I have to admit I feel a special bond between us Heathens.

[Mikaela]

Thank you Meryl for this post.
No explaining to people unable to understand, yes. But at the same time this means being forced to fake normalcy and having nobody in RL who is just there.
All the more reason to be grateful for our community. And yes, I have to admit I feel a special bond between us Heathens.

I second this, every word. Yes, every word.


I keep stalking you around the board, Chrissi.... 

[MaineWriter]

I just had a long talk on the phone with Fred (pastorfred). He saw my comment about grieving in reverse and said, "It's not in reverse...you are just going through the stages in the order you are supposed to." And he reminded me...

Denial -- that feeling of numbness
Anger -- I don't remember being so angry, but maybe I was. I know others here have felt intense anger and expressed it.
Bargaining -- which came in the wake of my visit with Heath. Sort of like, "Oh, we talked and I'll be happy now if you tell me you are okay."
Depression -- where I am today
Acceptance -- where I'll get to someday...soon, I hope. Sigh....

He also reminded me that I need to do what I need to take care of myself--which might mean, putting some work projects on hold, telling people I can only do what I can do right now.

I am just sharing this as a reminder to all of us. I am so glad you are all here and grateful for your support. And guess what? We will muddle through.

Peace and love,

Leslie

[LauraGigs]

I'm so glad to hear PastorFred is still around and that you were able to speak with him.  What a gift!

[MaineWriter]

I'm so glad to hear PastorFred is still around and that you were able to speak with him.  What a gift!

Yes, and Fred had some wonderful news -- he got married on October 17th!

I don't know if folks remember, but his first wife died suddenly in early Dec 2005. His whole Brokeback experience was in large part his grieving for his wife.

He met a lovely woman (through his church) in December 2006. They had their first date on New Year's Eve and the rest, as they say, is history.

I am very happy for him.

He sends his best to all of us.

L

[belbbmfan]

I just had a long talk on the phone with Fred (pastorfred). He saw my comment about grieving in reverse and said, "It's not in reverse...you are just going through the stages in the order you are supposed to." And he reminded me...

Denial -- that feeling of numbness
Anger -- I don't remember being so angry, but maybe I was. I know others here have felt intense anger and expressed it.
Bargaining -- which came in the wake of my visit with Heath. Sort of like, "Oh, we talked and I'll be happy now if you tell me you are okay."
Depression -- where I am today
Acceptance -- where I'll get to someday...soon, I hope. Sigh....

He also reminded me that I need to do what I need to take care of myself--which might mean, putting some work projects on hold, telling people I can only do what I can do right now.

I am just sharing this as a reminder to all of us. I am so glad you are all here and grateful for your support. And guess what? We will muddle through.

Peace and love,

Leslie

Thank you for posting that Leslie.

[jstephens9]

I definitely do think us Heathens share a special bond and we always have. Unfortunately I did not find the Heath thread until pretty late so I never got here until fairly recently. At that time I would have never thought anything would ever happen to Heath. It just never even crossed my mind. I was always busy trying to explain to people why Heath was my favorite and in some ways I always felt we were somewhat in the minority as opposed to the Jake group. Please don't get me wrong about that since I do think Jake is great as well as his portrayal of Jack. Nobody could have played the part of Jack better. It was just that my favorite was always Heath and Ennis was my favorite in the movie. That was just the way it was from the beginning of the first time I saw the movie. I was not familiar with either actor before Brokeback. I read a whole lot about Heath and his life after seeing the movie and I felt I had an understanding of him. I liked the idea that he was a private, down to earth person who was not into the Hollywood glitz. I just found him to be a very special guy and when I read all the things he did to put himself into the character of Ennis as well as other characters he has played I even admired him more. It's a very hard loss. I have never had an actor who passed away that I felt this strongly about. It's hard. I find myself to be rather irritable with people, with work and with things in general. I feel a feeling of just being down below the surface of something with very sad thoughts. I have pretty much quit posting on any of the threads except the Heath ones. I know some of the other threads that I used to post on have moved on and probably are talking about more lighthearted things, but I am not ready for that. I don't have anyone in RL who really understands either. The only one I have mentioned it to at all that has some understanding is my mother who has seen the movie. But of course she didn't know Heath like I did or Ennis or the movie. A guy who I have known for some time called earlier and mentioned it, but it seemed to be more of an afterthought on his part. I felt he was just up to the usual thing of wanting me to misbehave when he pretty much should know that I will not. That's a whole other story that has nothing to do with this. However, the whole phone call made me mad too.

Jack

[belbbmfan]

Jack, that is a beautiful post.

Every day on this forum I have found words and thoughts that have helped me. I don't know if I will ever be able to fully explain why this is so hard. Maybe I don't need to. I'm here where I need to be.

What we have is something to be proud of..."That kind of thing comes along once in a lifetime and you gotta hold on, or you'll lose it."