I do go through a small ritual during the new year to come up with resolutions, though I do not feel irrevocably upset if I cannot reach them.
The point of the matter is to do some small thing to improve one's self, by examining the heart, the mind, the soul, and all of our interrelations. What is important to us? What does the future hold? Who are we? We can never be too certain, but the human adventure calls us to be more than bumps on a log.
Is my resolution this year related to BBM? Perhaps, in a long, round-about way. The film affected me in so many ways that it is hard to begin to explain how it has done so, though the book that I completed last year has been able to voice much about how this film affects the human experience. But more specifically, what the film allowed me to do was examine my own life. And that is a beautiful thing. When before I had lost hope for ever being able to get out of my current work situation, was facing long and depressing hours, and was becoming unequivocably upset by my lack of a romantic partner, Brokeback Mountain gradually awoke in me a vast and desperate celebration of life, the universe, and everything. This experience has been chronicled on several threads here on Bettermost, and once upon a time amongst the pages of IMDB. I faced one of the longest nights that I had ever known, a night of the spirit, and it led me to many mystical and philosophical writings of the past centuries. I found myself pining for some existence other than what I had come to call the only one that was available to me, and in that pining found outlets, doorways, and unique friendships that empowered me to reach beyond what I thought were my natural limitations.
In the philosophic musings regarding the film, in the ecstasy of poetry, prose, potential, and purpose, I began to see what I could not see before. Or had once seen but managed to forget.
Last year's resolutions came much later than the new year, for the awakening of my mind and heart had occurred so late in the previous year that I could not justify making any decisions about where the future of my life then would be. But respond I did. And in that response gradually created my new vision of self, expanding to infinity and beyond. I spent nearly 8 months of that year researching, exploring and writing the book Dreamfilm: Brokeback Mountain Explored and received such a loving response to my poetry that I spent an additional 2 months collecting the poetry I had written over the past 10 years and putting those (along with a few others) into a second book which was published. Mystic Madness in the Night still holds a special place in my heart, and in many ways it has been the pristine version of my self, the most easily understood, even if its clarity is often confused by metaphor.
Among the many months of the preceding year, I found myself being called (once again) to write... to write the significant, emotional story that can now be found in the parts of Jack and Guy Raphaelson on the Performance Thread. These parts were so deep and real to me that I "lost myself to him", twice. And many of you who have read this thread know it to be true. Some even warned me that it would occur, that my heart and mind could be so lost to any meager version of reality that might otherwise occur to me that I would perhaps painfully amble through a dark and inner forest. It was painful, at first, and at times it was dark. But now that I realize that through the act of writing, of becoming and enacting a part of a powerful story, a legend, or even a myth, I was creating connections to an infinite number of truths that are both within me and around me, the forest's darkness is curtailed by it's bright and gleaming lights.
Over the past few months, I have been led to and captivated by quite a different storyline with similar recurring themes, and as I have told Brother Patrick, another puzzle piece of my life fell into place. Where before I had faced confusion and an uncertain destiny, now I can see it a little more clearly. It has taken me a little over two years to allow the inner transformation that started with Brokeback Mountain to completely take place in my life. Many times I had reached out to others here in an attempt to help them understand that it is not the film itself, or even the story of Brokeback Mountain that is the most important. It is how you allow that to manifest in your own life; how you respond to it; and how you use that knowledge to create the meaningful and the good and the beautiful in your own lives, and in others. But so few seemed willing to listen, and I began to feel like a voice calling in the wilderness.
So yes, Brokeback Mountain continues to shape my life, and as I recall again the importance of story telling, and how this ancient and miraculous art leads us to understand more about human nature, emotional nature, and the most basic nature of consciousness, I feel a special connection that was always present but I could not always feel. This special art is in my blood. The songs and plays of the ancient world hum through my being, the modicum of truth that can be found even in the most creative of deceptions singes my ears, and I am reminded continually of what beauty is, of what love is, of what compassion and anger and hatred and fear and sorrow and pride and loyalty and betrayal - of the power of every human connection conceivable by man and his dominion.
In the threads of story, we find the remarkable friendships, the great challenges of spirit, heart, mind, and physical endurance. We find intimate connections, forged, broken, and reforged again. We find the power of a simple breath to take our breath away, and the glance of one eye to leave all others blinded. We find the humor of isolation, the angst of communion, the love of greatness, and the hatred of prejudice. Within the threads of story lays the infinity of possibilities. And if I have discovered nothing else, this past year, it is that I am the Mirror of Infinity.
So here is my resolution... brought about, ultimately, by the waking experience that was Brokeback Mountain... I will allow this power, this recognition that I seem to have, to manifest, and continue to drive, maintain, laud, and proclaim the greatness and importance of story-telling. It is within
this powerful use of symbol and metaphor that the essence of humanity can be found, and whatever my goal or destiny, it is bound inextricably with this belief.
