Do you think your life will change now?

[souxi]

I'm not quite sure how to take this comment.    I don't want to read too much into it, but quite frankly I feel vaguely like I'm being accused of something, but I'm not exactly sure what. That I don't know that the film makers, cast included, know that Brokeback Mountain has inspired passion in its fans?

Nobody, me included, said anything about ignoring the film, nor about no longer discussing it. And I certainly didn't say that there was anything wrong with the passion the film has inspired. Nor would I say there is anything wrong with continuing to discuss Heath's artistry or his performance. But in light of the sobering slap of reality of Heath's death, some of the things that have been discussed--argued--about the characters of this film over the past two years no longer seem to matter to me. And to continue to argue over issues such as as the old debate over whether Ennis and Jack were gay or bisexual, for example, just doesn't seem right to me. It just seems somehow disrespectful and maybe even a bit vulgar.

But by all means we should honor Heath by continuing to admire his performance and his artistry. I never said we shouldn't.

I have said it before and I,ll say it again. I,m in full agreement with you Jeff. It really doesn,t matter any more does it? If Jack and Ennis were bi or gay, or if Jack was really murdered etc. Who cares?  I won,t say that I,ve sat and howled my eyes out, because  havn,t. I,ve had tears in my eyes, certainly, but, today, all day, I,ve just been really down in the dumps and I just can,t shake it off. I didn,t even know Heath, and never would, but it,s just so sad. RIP brown eyes. xxxxx

[Brown Eyes]

It's really interesting to watch our community go through this grieving process together.  As a group experience (here online at least... probably alone a lot in real life). 

We'll go through all the different stages of grief together too I think.  Shock, sadness (maybe a bit of depression), anger, irritability...

(I'm not actually 100% sure of all the technical stages).  But at the end, we'll move through the grief and hopefully find some healing and acceptance together.  It's amazing how much this theme of grief really is a major Brokeback theme.  And, I think all of us have learned a lot about the concept of grief through all our attention to Brokeback.

As I said in chat last night... I think there will be a "new normal" around here following this huge event.

And, Elle, yes, I completely agree with what you said and your example from chat last night.  We all need to go through this process on our own terms to a certain extent.  And, it will simply be interesting to witness all of our different processes as they become evident here at BetterMost.  We'll need to be patient with each other when we differ in how we're each responding to the grief in different ways.  And, I'm sure our individual responses will evolve a bit as time goes on too.

[Luvlylittlewing]

I'm not quite sure how to take this comment.    I don't want to read too much into it, but quite frankly I feel vaguely like I'm being accused of something, but I'm not exactly sure what. That I don't know that the film makers, cast included, know that Brokeback Mountain has inspired passion in its fans?

Nobody, me included, said anything about ignoring the film, nor about no longer discussing it. And I certainly didn't say that there was anything wrong with the passion the film has inspired. Nor would I say there is anything wrong with continuing to discuss Heath's artistry or his performance. But in light of the sobering slap of reality of Heath's death, some of the things that have been discussed--argued--about the characters of this film over the past two years no longer seem to matter to me. And to continue to argue over issues such as as the old debate over whether Ennis and Jack were gay or bisexual, for example, just doesn't seem right to me. It just seems somehow disrespectful and maybe even a bit vulgar.

But by all means we should honor Heath by continuing to admire his performance and his artistry. I never said we shouldn't.

Jeff, I didn't mean to offend.  I'm so distraught over Heath's death that perhaps I shouldn't comment until I get myself together.  I would never accuse you of anything -- that is not my intention.  I really want to apologize to you.  Please forgive me.  I suppose I read your post and thought that you wouldn't want to discuss the movie anymore, and I became rather upset, as I really enjoy your writing.  As I said, I should really refrain from making comments until my head is clearer.  Again, I apologize, and I hope I'm making sense.

[Luvlylittlewing]

Jeff, I don't want to speak for littlewing, but I see she's offline right now and you're on, so I'm just going to jump in and say I know her quite well from imdb and she's one of Brokiedom's nicest people -- not the accusing kind. I suspect she was just being supportive of Heath.

Littlewing, please let me know if I've mischaracterized your post.

I see what you're saying, Jeff, about the difference between discussing the movie and arguing about relatively trivial differences of opinion about this or that detail or nuance. I think for some people, those debates are the lifeblood of their discussions, and they don't necessarily see them as a negative or disrespectful. But I can see where it would make some people -- you, among others, I'm sure -- uncomfortable as being trivial topics in the wake of a real-life tragedy. We all have to grieve/mourn/memorialize/recover in our own ways, I guess.

 

Thanks, Babe.  You're right.  I didn't mean to accuse Jeff of anything,  I would never do that.  If I said something wrong it came from my head, not from my heart.  I already apologized to jeff, and I hope he forgives me.

And thanks for trying to clarify things.  I really appreciate it.

[serious crayons]

Jeff, I didn't mean to offend.  I'm so distraught over Heath's death that perhaps I shouldn't comment until I get myself together.  I would never accuse you of anything -- that is not my intention.  I really want to apologize to you.  Please forgive me.  I suppose I read your post and thought that you wouldn't want to discuss the movie anymore, and I became rather upset, as I really enjoy your writing.  As I said, I should really refrain from making comments until my head is clearer.  Again, I apologize, and I hope I'm making sense.

Thanks, Babe.  You're right.  I didn't mean to accuse Jeff of anything,  I would never do that.  If I said something wrong it came from my head, not from my heart.  I already apologized to jeff, and I hope he forgives me.

And thanks for trying to clarify things.  I really appreciate it.

she's one of Brokiedom's nicest people

See what I mean? 

[Luvlylittlewing]

See what I mean? 

You have made my day!  I love you, Sweets! 

[Ellemeno]

See what I mean? 

That's what I was thinking. 

[BelAir]

I'd really like to watch it. I feel like I need to. I'm not sure why. Maybe I need to hear Ennis say 'getting tired of your dumbass missin', I don't know. Maybe I'll switch if off after ten minutes.

I just don't want to feel I've lost BBM too. It's Heath's legacy to all of us.

I was listening to BBM radio earlier today and heard parts of the BBM score. I found it soothing.

  

I am feeling like fabienne, that I need to watch it.  (When I initially heard the news of Heath's death, I was someone who questioned whether they could watch it again.)  It is what brought me here.  If I had never watched that movie, I wouldn't be feeling all that I am feeling now.  I think watching it again will somehow help to put me back together, if that makes any sense.

[malina]

I am feeling like fabienne, that I need to watch it.  (When I initially heard the news of Heath's death, I was someone who questioned whether they could watch it again.)  It is what brought me here.  If I had never watched that movie, I wouldn't be feeling all that I am feeling now.  I think watching it again will somehow help to put me back together, if that makes any sense.

I kind of did the opposite... when I first heard, I knew immediately that I had to watch it, in Heath's memory. But I haven't yet, and as time goes on, I'm feeling less brave about it. I still think I will, though, and soon. At this point, I don't know if it will help put me back together, or pull me apart, but in a way, either seems like a good thing.

When I was listening to music on my iPod today, I noticed something odd... the songs that I used to listen to a lot, before, and that have nothing at all to do with Heath or death or BBM... those are the ones I cannot now listen to. I don't want to move on to something different, that doesn't include this person and this experience... I don't want to go back to the types of things I used to think about before. Not even for the length of a song. It's just too soon, I think.

But on the other hand... and this is my answer to Katherine's original question...  the evening of the day that Heath died, I just sat under a blanket on the sofa for a couple of hours, all numb, and watched whatever happened to be on TV, and I don't remember much of it except for one line. I was watching an episode of 'House', and they had a patient who was angry at the doctors because it turned out he was NOT going to die, contrary to an earlier diagnosis. And one of the doctors... I can't remember his name... said to House: "Dying is easy. Living is the hard thing".

I don't necessarily agree with the first part, and it almost seems like a callous statement if applied to Heath, and that' s not how I'm applying it... I don't think his dying was 'easy', and I don't think he wanted to go or had any choice about it. But I understand the second part...'Living is the hard thing'... really living... not the kind of existance where you try to get away with half-living, with being less than conscious of what's going on around you.

So, with that resonating inside my head, I got up from the sofa and did my taxes. Not my 2007 ones... no, not early... late... my 2006 taxes, which I had been avoiding and avoiding, at least in part because, well, in 2006, when I got completely obsessed with BBM and posting on IMDB, my self-employment income took such and enormous and self-inflicted dive, and it was messy and bad and I just didn't want to revisit it. But I did. I just sat down and got it all done, on the night of Heath's death, because, well, 'living is hard'.

Living is hard, and we have no choice. And I don't believe Heath had any choice about his dying, and that's hard too... incredibly so... and it seems almost random, what we will or will not be given, but whatever it is, I think we have a duty to life, and to all the beautiful moments and beautiful people of life, to just stick with it and get it done.

So, that's how my life will change now. I will deal with all the hard sh it without hiding. That's the plan, anyway.

I know I am babbling on and on for someone who has barely posted here before. I must be feeling at home 

[serious crayons]

I know I am babbling on and on for someone who has barely posted here before. I must be feeling at home 

Yay, welcome home. And babble away! Your "babblings" are always worth reading, Malina. For example:

So, with that resonating inside my head, I got up from the sofa and did my taxes. Not my 2007 ones... no, not early... late... my 2006 taxes, which I had been avoiding and avoiding, at least in part because, well, in 2006, when I got completely obsessed with BBM and posting on IMDB, my self-employment income took such and enormous and self-inflicted dive, and it was messy and bad and I just didn't want to revisit it. But I did. I just sat down and got it all done, on the night of Heath's death, because, well, 'living is hard'.

That is exactly what I was trying to say in my opening post, in which I was babbling about getting things done, the big picture, etc. It's not quite like Heath's passing has inspired me to straighten up my desk/keep my checkbook balanced/floss daily. That stuff sounds so mundane. It kind of manifests itself in things like that, but in reality it's more than that.

There is something about this experience that has prompted me to take another look at what I'm doing with my life. I know, that's what BBM was supposed to have done in the first place, but to some extent it's been the opposite. I've put my life on hold for almost two f'in years.

So maybe it's this: I'm taking things more seriously now. I'll think, as I always do, "Oh, I should do blah blah blah ..." but instead of just shrugging it off, now I'm more likely to follow up with, "Well, why not just DO it, then? Just face up to it! It's not going away, and my life will be better and I'll feel better if I do." Like I said, maybe it won't last forever. But I'm going to take advantage of it while it lasts. Even if, for now, it just means addressing the little, immediate things, like getting my desk straightened up.

So I'm glad you used the example of your 2006 tax returns. Because that's just the kind of thing I'm talking about. And I'm hoping that once I get that stuff done, the bigger stuff will follow.

I think we have a duty to life, and to all the beautiful moments and beautiful people of life, to just stick with it and get it done.

Yup.