Express what you're feeling, at any length

[serious crayons]

I've noticed several people have written longish posts describing their feelings about Heath, his effect on their lives, their reaction to his death, their efforts to cope with grief, their ability (or not) to watch Brokeback, their admiration for his talent, etc. At least one person who wrote something long like that said he felt better afterward. Sometimes being able to pour out emotions in writing can be very therapeutic.

So this thread is for people to express themselves. I envision it as less like a discussion than like a blog with multiple authors. Write whatever you like, whatever you're feeling. Don't worry about limiting the length or keeping on topic. Nothing involving Heath is off-topic here, and any length is fine. If you want to comment on others' posts, that's fine too. But if you just want to talk about what you yourself are going through and feeling and thinking, this is the place for it.

[moremojo]

I am keenly aware of the extensive grief that has engulfed, is engulfing so many of our members...and yet I've felt strangely detached for most of this week. Why? I was certainly saddened and surprised to learn of Heath's unexpected death (was online here when the news broke), and cried a bit, but didn't feel devastated then or since. The reason for this is that I truly believe that Heath is simply in another place right now--the essence of who he is lives on, and indeed, in the fullness of Eternity we will all know him, and he us. I truly believe this. Leslie's remarkable, beautiful story of her visitation from Heath only helps to confirm my faith.

I grieve more for those that are left behind: Michelle, Matilda, the parents, the sisters, the friends, and the fans. We are still grappling with the shadows, the uncertainties, and the pain upon pain that "all flesh is heir to". It is hard, no way around that, and I hope I can always be understanding and supportive of those experiencing grief, just as I hope myself to be comforted when subject to great sadness and hardship. It really is okay to cry for Heath, and it's even okay to cry for Ennis (Lord knows I've done lots of that), but I don't think we need to (unless we need to for our own purposes). Heath and Ennis are FREE, and safe, and loved...and not ever lost.

[cmr107]

What a good idea. I was about to post this on the grieving thread, but this seems better. I am not particularly religious, but as my parents are both pastors, I have grown up going to church every Sunday. Then I went away to college, and now only go to church when I am home with my parents. I was home this past weekend and went to church yesterday. At a congregational meeting after the service yesterday, the pastor, who has been the pastor of that church for 30 years (I am only 21 years old) announced that he would retire at the end of the year. I immediately got tears in my eyes, and proceeded to have tears streaming down my face for about 15 more minutes until the end of the meeting. I am usually not someone who cries in public, so this was really weird, but I just couldn't stop. It occurred to me later that I had not cried since hearing about Heath. This pastor is one of the most wonderful people I know, and I have known him my whole life, but I do not think I would normally have had such a strong reaction to news of his retirement. He is not even moving away. He will still be in my hometown, just not the pastor of the church I hardly ever go to anymore. I think that this news combined with news of Heath just really hit me hard. I just wanted to share this with all of you because while almost everyone I know is sad about Heath, I do not think they would understand this. Thank you for listening, and thank you for always being here even when I have been away for so long. 

[louisev]

My feelings are very similar to Scott's here, though I did not feel "detached" through the week, I felt at first rather disoriented and unreal, on Tuesday, and was intensely focused on the news from then until early Thursday.  But by Thursday I was sensing, and also telling people, that all was as it should be, that Heath left us when he had intended to leave us, because it was part of a life plan that none of us really new or understood - that he went on to do other things.  

It felt at first very wrong - that he had left a film uncompleted, questions unanswered, fatherhood that he could not fulfill, but who are we to say what constitutes fulfillment, and who are we to judge whether or not his work was done, by his lights?

My beliefs are that material incarnation is a state of limitation, and that the incorporeal state after the transition of death, is one of liberation and reunion with the All, the Cosmic Intelligence.  The ones who need our sympathy are those who have lost the comfort of his presence, but Heath, as Scott said eloquently enough, is beyond the need for comfort. He has gone home.

[Artiste]

WE are in pain... was and will be; as the song says on the TV serie: To-day is another day, I know I can make it through!! To that, we can make it through with sadness as well as more and more joys... may I say. I feel that is how Heath did lovingly for himself and for us all too!!

Thanks for the added thread ineedcrayons and well explained! I wish I had your talent!

Thanks too moremojo, and well thought too! I sure wish I had your talent too!!

Thanks Louise too... yours just arrived; I will read it now soon.

There are many ways to feel as we did for many days, do now and will for the rest of our lives.

Some persons are sad, very much some others; some persons as in some cultures rejoice as the accent because that past person lives and did give herself/himself to us all!! Either way, these days are sad as well as we can hope for finding joys Heath brought us for forever!! May I say!!

A brilliant actor making his Ennis real for all of us to be sad as well as happy, and happier and happier!! I feel and see in the superb Heath!! Our SUPERMAN!!


To me, He wanted us to be all happy and amiable always no matter what sex orientations, no matter which issue we cope with... since everything and everyone is important!! He was and still is real to-day and will be forever to me, for me and for all on Earth!!

May I add, that varying and multiplying our threads and posts may help?? Many different subjects too!! And looking at comedies, even this clip about cats talking just sent by my niece helps me; maybe you too?
http://www.metacafe.com/w/937647/

She sent me one too which has cats that do talk! If you like... to see it. Or for anything else/reason/thought/etc., please reach me and  don't be shy!!

Laughing helps... I find now too. I remember Heath laughing as Ennis, plus in his real life; may we all cherish that too!!

Something I forgot... will be said later I guess. I like all comments!!

Hugs to you 2 and to all too!!  Heath we like your smiles!! Always will too!!

[Artiste]

Thanks cmr107! Thanks Louise!

I had not seen your comment, which I enjoy too.

Louise, I appreciate yours which helps too!!

Hugs, hugs!!

[Lumière]

I have been feeling calm about things lately.
I posted this little piece in my blog, didn't know if I should bring it here. 
I couldn't get these words out of my head, so I wrote them down.  It helped a great deal.
Anyway, here it is..





Goodnight, My Little Darling


He could hardly believe his eyes.  She was here at last.  She was his… his flesh and blood… his child.  He couldn’t get over how small she was.  He traced a finger along her soft jaw, terrified his rough hands might bruise the tender skin.  She whimpered and was still.  He wondered if she was asleep or not.  Her eyes were tightly shut, she was only two days old.  He looked at her perfect little fingers and toes, and tears pooled in his eyes.  Everything is different now, he thought, holding her protectively in his arms. 

Most times, he felt like a kid himself; an adventurous child traveling a maze-like path on a long journey through life.  Everything he’d done in his life, up to this point, he thought, was mediocre, unimportant.  Everything paled in comparison to this event of her arrival.  Nothing could be the same after this.  This tiny infant carried a part of his soul.  They would be forever linked – come hell or high water, every single day in life or in death.  She would be his hub, the very axis around which his world revolved. 


~~xo~~

They’ve heard the news by now.  His child is nestled in her mother’s arms.  The young woman clutches her child and presses the little fair head to her bosom.  She is distraught, shaken and crying into her child’s head.   He sits on the bed beside them and catches a fallen tear.  In time, she will hear his words and understand that she is not alone…Maybe then, she will see that he is fine.  There is no pain or blinding darkness.  Not now..


I have been a traveler for as long as I can recall. 
I think I learned to die every day I breathed
for I lived the day alone and tried not to worry the next.
That does not change even now.
You know I wouldn’t stop the journey now, even if I could.
You know a grave is not my final stop.
I found my way to this world beyond; I knew the route somehow.
I lost any fear I might have harbored because you are here too.
My body or my heart did not love you, for bodies perish
My soul loved you; it did then and it does now.
This is not the end, my love, don’t cry..


~~xo~~


He sits cross-legged on the floor beside her bed and gently moves a lock of fair hair from her sleepy forehead.  Daddy’s little girl, he whispers, before a soft smile eases across his lips.  Her little brown eyes partially open for a moment before she closes them again.

My little girl…
You are still my hub.
You are still the axis around which my world revolves
I couldn’t love you more than I do now.
I am here to tuck you in when you go to sleep
I am here when you are sad or happy or hungry or tired
I will still carry you upon my shoulders like I used to
I will be here on every birthday, on your first day of school,
Whenever you wish to see me, I’ll be here.
I no longer have to go for days or weeks without seeing you
I never have to be parted from you again,
For where I am now, you are always..


He kisses the little hand clutching the blanket draped over her sleeping body and then places a soft kiss on her forehead.

How peacefully she slumbers..
Goodnight, my Little Darling, sweet dreams…

[Verona]

I actually nearly fainted when I heard. All the blood drained from my body, and I felt all tingly, lightheaded and sick. I thought that only happened in movies.

I found this in my email yesterday, from when I first saw Brokeback and emailed a friend who's an (unrealistically, I'm afraid) aspiring screenwriter and director:

"The screenplay and dialogue brought out facets of the characters and their relationships that I don't remember being there before. The screenplay wasn't entirely faithful to the original story... I felt it brought new life to it. And the acting was tremendous. Especially Heath Ledger... I've never seen anyone convey so much while appearing to say so little. His character was not nearly so complex in the original story.

So there you have it. If you ever decide to adapt something, take the original story and its characters beyond what the writer gives you. Oh, and get Heath Ledger to star in it. And Ang Lee to direct it. heh

But seriously, the acting... wow. If you are blessed with one performance from any of your future actors that's even a fraction of what Heath Ledger pulled off here, count yourself lucky. Then count the nominations."

CRAP. We should have had DECADES more of this. Heath could have done that entire movie without speaking one line, and STILL projected every facet of who that character was. And no one else could have made me watch movies like "A Knight's Tale" or "The Patriot" a million times. No other actor ever inspired me to watch genres I don't normally enjoy (truthfully, I might not have ever watched BBM had he not been cast. Not big on "western" themes, but of course now I know BBM is much more). This kid was magic. I'd always wanted to see him in a play.

I put on Brokeback almost immediately. I felt I had to... get right back on the horse, so to speak, for fear I never would be able to again. But I still can't bring myself to watch my beloved "10 Things I Hate About You" because it's where I first saw him (and found out that at 35, I was lusting after a teenager... gulp) and I'm not ready yet to watch him so young and happy and carefree, his whole life ahead of him. I feel like just hiding the DVD. Don't know when I'll be ready to get back on that horse.

It hurts. It just hurts.

[Sandy]

Crayons, thank you for the thread. I am going to let my heart speak without re-reading this post.

I came downstairs from my shower at 7 a.m. and was having tea.  My husband was watching a music channel and I said to him, “put it onto GMTV (which we always watch) and I can see the news.  Something will have happened and we’ll have missed it”.  I was actually thinking about the twin towers!  As soon as it turned over and I heard the words, my hand slapped over my mouth.  I was in shock for about 45 minutes and then left to go to work.  I was on the bus and it started to sink in. 

By the time I got to work, I felt as if I had been punched.  My chest was tight and restricted and my tummy hurt.  My head was pounding.  I came in and told all of my colleagues about it, except for one who didn’t start until later.  He texted me, “Heath Ledger has died.  If you didn’t know, phone me, if you did, are you OK?”.  I couldn’t call him, I couldn’t function, I put my phone straight to voicemail and went online to see what every news channel had said. 

Later on that day, one of my colleagues said she had seen it on the previous evening’s Ten O’Clock news.  Well, I immediately cried (for the first time).  I felt as if I had abandoned him, that he had died and was in the process of moving on whilst I was safely tucked up in bed.

I got that into perspective a little, and went home and phoned everyone I knew.  No-one understood how I could grieve so for an actor.  I cried and cried all night, and tried to talk through each possibility of why he died with my husband.  He helped me, and I ended that evening knowing that a lost life is a lost life, and it doesn’t matter how or where.  What matters are the lessons we can learn, so the loss of precious life is not in vain.

The next couple of days passed in a haze of crying and adrenaline.  I spoke about it non stop and then would go into myself. 

Until late Friday, after a bottle of wine, I felt as if I had lost my faith to the extent of where the soul goes upon death.  I felt as if my whole belief system had gone.  How can a young man with so much potential and so many positive thoughts from this community and others end up passing on?

And then I got angry.  Angry at the paps, angry at those vultures who take delight in showing us pictures and videos of Heath being taken away from his flat.  I felt as if he had lost his dignity and, again, it was my husband who said that Heath was not there anymore, he was in Heaven (of which I had regained my faith) and his body was the carrier of his spirit.

Now this made sense.  Although he was amazingly handsome, it was his life that was amazing.  His personality and ethos.  His bravery in playing Ennis (when he knew what some imbeciles reactions would be), giving it his all, becoming Ennis is what he gave the world.  He offered support to the gay community, showed the world the meaning of love. 

He showed everyone how a life half lived is not really a life.  Although he only lived a small part of his life, what he contributed to the world was a lifetime’s work.     

So, I guess what I am trying to say that I am devastated, grieving and the sadness I feel at sometimes is almost unbearable. 

But I feel hope in the lessons he taught me.  I will try and live everyday as if it were my last.  I will love with my heart, not my mind. 

I have more to say but can't articulate it just now, so I may be back. 

[AngelaNicole]

Hi,this is my 1rst time posting here. I was posting on the imdb boards, but too many trolls there now.lol I will read both, but its kinda annoying when people can be so disrespectful, and there are PLENTY on that board! Anyways, I am extremely saddened by Heaths Loss. I feel all his fans and hollywood has lost one of the most promising stars it will ever have. I have cried, and I am still in  a state of shock! I cant believe hes gone:(  I  find it especially hard when people close to my age die so suddenly: It breaks my heart! I loved his movies and he was so talented and so mature for his age. I am still grieving and kinda in the denial stage. I dont want him to be gone! I wish I could have met him, seen more of his movies, I wish he was still here.I will continue to watch Heaths movies in memory of him. I have seen BBM, candy, 10 things, a knights tale, and the Patriot so far.I look forward to seeing them all. I have never been affected by a death like this, it hit me like a ton of bricks. He seemed so healthy, strong, and young, this was so unexpected. I mean you never heard anything bad about this guy ya know?? How in the world can he be gone I dunno. I think God has a bigger plan for him I guess. I am a religious person and feel in my heart he is with the angels in heaven. Maybe even acting up there RIP heath, I love you always! Your fan, Angela.xoxo

[ednbarby]

Welcome, Angela!  Hope you find some respite here from the trolls (and they are terrible) at IMDb.  Many of us here are, in fact, refugees from the BBM board there, who've found this place in our travels over the last two years since first seeing Brokeback Mountain and being hit like a ton of bricks by it.

Now I have that feeling once again, but this loss is real.  Like you, I still can't believe he's gone.  I see his face on covers of magazines with "1979 - 2008" in the caption and feel as if I'm still having a very long, very realistic nightmare.  If I feel this way, I can't begin to imagine how people who truly knew him, who were close to him, are feeling.

When an actor like James Stewart or Jack Lemmon passes after a relatively long life and full career, of course you feel sad that they're gone.  But to lose one who was so young and still had so many more extraordinary performances, let alone so many more rich life experiences, in him is devastating on a whole other level.

And now to hear that he is not being universally revered for his performance in Brokeback as I had hoped but being reviled by some - that these people even have and share such hateful, ugly, really insane thoughts, infuriates me.  So I guess I'm somewhere between denial and anger.  But my anger isn't directed at him for leaving the world too soon - it's at everyone else who can't or won't show some respect for one of the greatest actors who ever lived.  It pissed me off watching the SAG Awards the other night that everyone was smiling and laughing on the red carpet as if nothing had happened.  I understand that life goes on, and that there's a whole world of people who don't even know Heath Ledger existed (I pity them, by the way).  But these were his fellow actors!!!  What the fuck??!!  Show some Goddamned respect!!!

(See where that anger comes in?)

[Katie77]

Thank you for this thread.......I need to get something out, before it sits in the pit of my stomach.......I dont even care if anyone reads this, I just need to get it out somewhere.

A week has passed and I thought I had been through all the initial stages of grief, that we are told are normal......and today, at last, the sadness ddn't seem as painful as it has done on the previous days....maybe Im getting used to it, maybe its because now, there is no doubt that this is all real, not like last week, when it felt like i was watching a sad movie and Heath was only just playing the part of someone who died in it....I know now its not a movie, that its real, and for some reason, once I accepted that, I started to move on.

Whereas in the early days, the only thing that consumed my thoughts was Heath, yesterday and today I had other things going through my mind, I still thought of him a lot, but he wasnt the ONLY thing I thought about, I started to joke around again in some of the threads, had a giggle at some funny things, and OMG it felt so good to be laughing again.

The fact that it is not all over the TV and the news now, has certainly helped, although I know there is more yet to come...I'm not sure if he is home yet and know that when he does arrive, the media will once again erupt, there will be more on the funeral and then, of course, the reports of the autopsy are also not far off, so that too, is going to make the headlines again.......I dread it all, just want them to let our boy rest in peace.

I did a silly thing tonight, I started to watch BBM again.......two of the movie channels on our cable tv has been showing it every day, for the past week....I sat and watched it three nights ago, then, when I was still gripped by the breathless sadness and disbelief of what had happened to Heath....I watched it differently, it was even sadder, Ennis seems to have another dimension of sadness than he had before, anyway I watched the movie all the way through the other night and openly cried and unashamedly felt as sad as I needed to feel.

But tonight was dfferent, I was in a happier mood, a more light hearted mood, I even made a joke with my husband, when he said "I dont know how you can watch a movie so many times", and I answered "I never get sick of it"....I laughed and said "I know it all off by heart,I know every word they are going to say, I even know WHY they say every word they are going to say"....he knew I was referring to the discussions we have here at Bettermost, and just shook his head, and smiled, and went off to bed.....leaving me to watch the movie once again.

And then, it happened.....i was watching it and all of a sudden I was frozen...staring at the screen, I dont think I was blinking, I was just frozen as I watched it, I still had the smile on my face from the humourous remarks I had just made to my husband, but my mind and my insides were in a state of gloom and  stunned agony.....and then along with all that,I kept looking at Heath (and it was Heath I was looking at, it wasn't even Ennis, it was Heath), and I felt so dam guilty.....i felt guilty that I was watching him being alive, but knowing he now was not, as if I knew something so private that even he didnt know himself and I felt guilty because I knew it and he didnt....I dont even know if that describes it properly, these words are just spilling out as they come to me.....I dont know what was worse, the guilt or the gloom I was feeling, maybe one was causing the other, I guess they were......This guilt was consuming me, I wasnt taking any notice of the movie, I was just sitting there feeling guilty.

I knew I had to turn the movie off, knew I could not sit there for two hours feeling like this, so I thought ahead, to when I would do it....I'v always loved the reunion scene....I felt happy for them in that scene...I would watch it till then....turn it off on a happy note, and thats what I did.

I changed the channel and found a comedy....not that Im watching it, I'm writing this, emptying it out, tring to find words that describe my thoughts....i dont even know if it makes sense, I just know I had to get it out of my system, I didnt want to try to sleep with all this racing through my mind, I dont want it to be the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning........

I liked it that I was moving on, I want to keep moving.....it doesnt mean I've forgotten, it doesnt mean it still isnt fair, still isnt sad, still isnt so tragic....it is still all of that....and I hate it, hate it, hate it......but I want to feel happy, want to feel good, I dont want to go back to what I was feeling a week ago.....

This has helped......thank you for this thread.....

[Artiste]

I appreciate your comment katie! And that of others too!

Keep care... as we are all still sad. Sure, we will never forget Heath and that is great!!

It is great to come back to smiles, to laugh... as Heath liked to smile and to laugh too - remember his joys !! May I suggest!

He varied his life and enjoyed it, and he would want us to do so; I feel, if I may say!

Did you see my two cat clips my niece sent?

Hugs!!

[Kelda]

welcome susiebk

[souxi]

Thank you - this seems like a great forum.

Hi susie, welcome to Bettermost. We all understand how you feel about Heaths death here. We all pretty much feel the same. None of us can beleive it, even now and I don,t think we ever will. I watched 10 Things I hate about you a few nights ago, and it got to the part where Heath sang, and I just howled. I couldn,t beleive I,d never see that funny, talented handsome man again. It,s such a tragic waste of such a young life. He had so much more to do with his life, so much more to give. He should have been around for years more yet, to see Matilda grow up, make more moves, direct like he was going to. Now he,ll never do any of it. We,ll miss him forever.

[ednbarby]

Welcome, Susie.

I'm still having trouble believing he is gone, too.

Just yesterday, my husband, son and I were in the midst of a long drive back from North Carolina to Florida, and a state trooper had a car pulled over on the side of the road.  The driver of the car was actually out talking to the trooper, not the other way around, so, come to think of it, I think he was someone whose car had broken down and he had called for help (the trooper's lights weren't flashing or anything).  He was the spitting image of Heath, in every way.  The traffic slowed around where they were stopped, as it does in case of possible rubber-necking action (stupid people), so I got a good look at him as he turned from the trooper's driver-side window to return to his car at front.  He was dressed exactly as one would imagine Heath would be dressed making a cross-country driving trip - very comfortably.  And he had a couple of visible tattoos on his forearms.  I was struck with a "What if..." thought.  I know it's not possible, but it was a very comforting thought, just the same, if just for a moment.  Then I was heartbroken all over again when the reality hit me.

[Fran]

Welcome to BetterMost, susiebk!

It is so hard to accept that he is truly gone.  I can't even begin to imagine how his loved ones must feel.

My thoughts exactly.  His poor family and close friends.  It must be so hard for them now. As awful as we've felt about Heath's passing, their pain has to run deeper than ours.  What a loss for them... and for us, too.

[Fran]

Thanks for the welcome.  Glad to be here.

I think about the people who Heath left behind a lot.  While we go on with our lives, they will be feeling the pain for a long time to come.  I don't imagine a parent ever truly gets over losing a child.  It is not the natural way of things.  It is so sad for Matilda that she will not know her daddy, who clearly loved her so very much.

And it has to be especially hard for his sister Kate, with whom Heath seemed very close.  She mentioned that he just to call her from wherever he happened to be in the world.  I read somewhere where Heath was sad that he was on location -- I think for BBM -- because he couldn't be in Perth when his sister's twins were born.  To me, that just seems so sweet that he wanted to be there.  What a great brother he must have been!

[ptannen]

I am in a Toastmasters' Club where we practice public speaking.  In the last two years I have presented several speaches about Brokeback Mountain and my reaction to it.  I gave the lastest one Wednesday.  The purpose of this speech was to "Uplift the Spirit."  I titled my speach "Live Life to the Fullest.  It is about how I feel inspired by Heath Ledger to live my life to the fullest:

Victor Hugo once wrote:

“Short as life is, we make it still shorter by the careless waste of time.”

The actor Heath Ledger, who recently died at age 28, due to the accidental overdose of prescription drugs, lived life to the fullest and did not waste any time.

When he was only ten, he had his first acting experience, starring in a school production of Peter Pan.  He was also an avid chess player and won a state junior chess championship that same year.  At age 16 he left school to pursue an acting career.  He drove across Australia with his best friend, from his home in Perth, to Sydney, with less than a dollar in his pocket. He never went to acting school and never had acting classes or lessons. The next year he returned to Perth to be in the TV series Sweat, which was his first regular role on a television show.

In his short 11 year career, he was in four TV shows and 20 movies.  He received an Academy Award nomination for his portrayal of Ennis del Mar in Brokeback Mountain.  In all, he received 14 acting nominations and awards, including Golden Globes, BAFTA, Screen Actors Guild, and MTV.

I also try to make the most of my life and not waste any time, since I realize that I do not know how much time I will have.  It may be less than I would like. . . .  My father had a heart attack at age 53 and died the next day.  My maternal grandmother never made it past 32.  One of my nephews died in an auto crash when he was 19. . . .    On the other hand, my mother and all of her siblings lived into their nineties. . .  So I really don’t have a clue as to how long I will live!  In reality, none of us do.

As part of living his life to the fullest, Heath Ledger took risks.  As we all know, this can be very difficult. In an interview about the film Brokeback Mountain, he said:

“Playing Ennis was a very difficult decision because it scared the hell out of me. And I didn't want to kiss Jake Gyllenhaal. And then I just felt like that's probably why I should do it, because I feel like I further myself if I'm constantly testing myself.”

“Brokeback Mountain is a story of love and it's a story between two people. If people can't get over that and just accept it as a story, then that's their problem. I'm big enough and brave enough to do it.”
“In order to evolve as an actor, you have to be fearless enough to allow yourself room for error.”

Although Heath welcomed professional challenge, he did not seek fame.  All he wanted was to act because he loved it, but didn't want to be a star.  He rejected the trappings and attention of Hollywood and attempted to live an ordinary artist’s life.  He told an interviewer that

“I don't think about the attention and I don't dwell on it. I just show up for work and live my normal life.”

Heath Ledger actually stood out in Hollywood for his lack of ego and pretension.

One interviewer said that Ledger seemed unusually impassioned as he spoke about life.  He carried his roles off with commitment and true feeling. 

He said that his

“parents had the attitude of letting their kids grow up and discover things for themselves and be happy with themselves. They really provided me with a comfortable environment for just being who you were, regardless, and not trying or wanting to be anything else. I guess that's how they pushed me out into the world, and from there I just did that, and found my own lifestyle and way of living.”

Ironically, the character Heath Ledger is most well known for, Brokeback Mountain’s Ennis del Mar was his exact opposite.  Ennis’s was unable to live the life he truly wanted.  He could only go off occasionally to spend time with his true love, Jack Twist.  Jack’s reaction was

“Never enough time, never enough.”

So although his life was unexpectedly cut short, Heath Ledger can inspire us all not to waste time and to live life to the fullest. 

[Fran]

Thanks for posting your speech, Pete.  I bet it was very well received.

[Ellemeno]

He said that his

“parents had the attitude of letting their kids grow up and discover things for themselves and be happy with themselves. They really provided me with a comfortable environment for just being who you were, regardless, and not trying or wanting to be anything else. I guess that's how they pushed me out into the world, and from there I just did that, and found my own lifestyle and way of living.”

Ironically, the character Heath Ledger is most well known for, Brokeback Mountain’s Ennis del Mar was his exact opposite. 

That's such a powerful juxtaposition, Pete. 

I think you are an inspiration to live life to the fullest, Bud.

[optom3]

The words from the screenplay, described my feelings best .I felt that someone was pulling my guts out,hand over hand,a yard at  time.I then felt alternately silly and distraught.Who was I to grieve so,over someone I personally had never known.Plenty of celebrities have died in my lifetime,Elvis,lenon,Hutchence,Paula yates and of course princess Diana.Yet although sad at the loss of life taken too soon,that was it really it.

I became like a woman possesed,reading and watching everything I could,including some real trash. I became the sort of person I used to, if not despise at least ridicule.
BBM so affected me,I came to the conclusion that it had become personal.

I hated myself for scouring the internet for pictures,when I knew he so despised that side of his life,his lack of privacy.I bored people to teras wanting to talk about it all the time.I even wondered if my sleeping tablets would have worked better than his.Given him some much needed rest and maybe saved him.
I cannot begin to describe my bizarre thought patterns.But mostlly I sobbed,almot continually.I did not even know if it was Heath or Ennis I was grieving for.
I cried for his daughter who he seemed to so adore ,and who would never know her father.
I then became angry as rumours became scattered around like confetti.I became angry at myself for wanting to believe only the good bits not the bad.
I didn't want him to have been so disturbed that it was suicide,yet eaqually I did not want it to be a tragic,perhaps preventable accident.In fact I just did not want it to be true.
Finally I wanted somebody to blame,anyone really.
If I am honest I was almost ashamed and embarased by my reacions.I had scoffed at the mass hysteria when Diana died,and here was I reacting in the self same fashion.
The only conclusion I can come to is that via BBM his acting provoked so many emotions I was grieving not just for him and what might have been,but also for myself.I longed to have had he chance to say.have you any idea how many souls you have reached.But then I guess that would have just embarassed him,he always came across as so self effacing.

In the end I believe that's  what true artists do,touch something so deep in your core,that their death touches that same core,it becomes personal.
O.K so that.s enough of my rambling.

[RouxB]

Everyday I discover a new spot in my life that he used to fill. I turned on the TV and started channel surfing Wednesday night. I used to get so much pleasure from this because I was always looking for him-10 Things I Hate About You on Encore at 10 pm, The Brothers Grimm on Starz tomorrow, Casanova...Brokeback Mountain. so much of my everyday joy consisted of celebrating him. The hole in my life is huge-I miss him every second of every day.

[souxi]

Exactly susie. I felt really silly for being so miserable about it. I mean we are talking about someone I didn,t know personally and more than likely never would. Likewsie he had never heard of me, and again never would. So WHY did this affect me so much? Why in the first week especially, did I wander around in a daze and feel so down in the dumps and sad. It is crazy isn,t it? Sometimes, when I watch 10 Things I hate about you, I almost forget for a while that he,s gone...................then the film ends and I remember.

[souxi]

Thank you Susie. I must admit I am VERY partial to Hugh Jackman, very partial indeed. My daughter thinks I,m gross. Well I do go on about him just a bit too much lol. But I can,t help it, he,s so flamin gorgeous. *sigh*. 

[shortfiction]

I could watch the movie again, but I don't think I could listen to the soundtrack for a while, especially "He was a friend of mine."

I haven't been on this board in a while so I don't know all the details, but it seems to me that H. was suffering from horrific insomnia, not to mention depression from the split from Michelle and not being able to see his daughter as much.    I just assumed he got desperate for some sleep and went overboard, quite accidentally, on meds.     

[ednbarby]

Sounds perfectly plausible to me, shortfiction.

As always, I go with the Achem's Razor principle on this, which basically says that the simplest explanation is usually the real one.

Do we have any real evidence that Heath was suicidal?  No.  Do we have real evidence that he suffered from severe insomnia and was quite possibly depressed?  Yes.

I can count on more than one hand the friends I have who regularly over-medicate themselves against these very problems.  And there, by the grace of... chance, go they.

[Fran]

I was distressed to hear that Heath's family heard about his passing over the radio.  How awful that must have been for them!  I mean, under the circumstances, receiving the news over the telephone would have been a horrible shock as well  -- no doubt about that -- but at least it would have been more personal than hearing it out of the blue on the radio.

I meant to post something about this weeks ago, but I forgot about it until now.

Are you familiar with the ICE (in case of emergency) campaign?

ICE could save your life

It couldn’t be easier. Enter the number of your emergency contact into your cell phone’s address book. Label it as ICE and store it. Paramedics or doctors can then access that number if you’re in an accident.

Perhaps if Heath had had an ICE number stored on his cell phone, his agent, one of his parents, his sister, or a close friend could have been notified by the paramedics and his family would have been spared the agony of hearing the news of his death over the radio.

I think ICE is a wonderful idea.

Note:

On second thought, this may be the wrong place for this post.  If the mods of the Heath forum thinks it belongs elsewhere, please move it.