Author Topic: Now what?  (Read 9308 times)

Offline Ellemeno

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Now what?
« on: February 07, 2008, 09:57:46 am »
Hunh?

:(

Offline MaineWriter

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2008, 10:03:04 am »
I actually feel kind of like myself this morning. Yesterday was a really tough day but I had a few long talks on the phone with close friends last night, and that helped.

Life goes on and I am feeling like I am ready to pick up the pieces and move ahead.

I am still thinking about a Heath tattoo, though.

L
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Re: Now what?
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2008, 10:16:58 am »
I'm glad I was not here when all the arguments were done yesterday.

Offline belbbmfan

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2008, 10:40:56 am »
I actually feel kind of like myself this morning. Yesterday was a really tough day but I had a few long talks on the phone with close friends last night, and that helped.

Life goes on and I am feeling like I am ready to pick up the pieces and move ahead.

I am still thinking about a Heath tattoo, though.

L

Yes me too Leslie.

Keep us posted on the tattoo.  ;)
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Offline Verona

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2008, 11:13:20 am »
I'm glad I was not here when all the arguments were done yesterday.

 :-X

Anyway, I think it's been hard to move on with everything up in the air (and in such turmoil) for two weeks, and the fact that his body still isn't in the ground. We've been waiting for closure. Hopefully by this weekend we can all begin to deal with it. I can't put my mind to fully processing it until I feel he's finally at peace... and with all the hideousness that has surrounded his passing, I don't feel that yet. It's all still too fresh. It's still "going on." After the funeral, things will begin to fall into place.

Offline Lynne

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2008, 11:19:23 am »
I am still thinking about a Heath tattoo, though.

Moving ahead yet always remembering is the only choice.  I posted elsewhere that I felt initially a 'letdown' of sorts after I got my tattoo in early January...it almost seemed like some sort of closure of Brokeback Mountain to me.   ???

After Heath's death, however, I no longer feel ambivalent about it - I am now so happy to have done it.  I don't know how that applies here, but I thought I'd share...
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Offline Brown Eyes

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2008, 11:40:07 am »
Yes, I agree with Lynne that we'll slowly begin to return to some kind of normal (or a "new normal") with time.  I think part of the "new normal" will involve incorporating our collective grief as well as a sense of urgency to memorialize Heath into our activities as Brokies.  I think it's too soon to know how all of this will play out.  It seems to me that the community is still reeling and in shock at the moment.  I mean, the funeral hasn't even happened yet.

Once the media attention moves on and we move forward in the grieving process we'll begin to get a better sense of what things will be like in a more permanent sense, around here.

I think some of the recent tensions, debates and arguments might actually be a manifestation of the "anger" phase of grieving that we're sort of moving through as a big group.  It just seems to be one of those stages you can't avoid going through.  And, it seems logical that this would come up most forcefully with the release of the toxicology report.  I'm no expert on grieving... so I'm not sure what the remaining phases are.  But, I do think "healing or acceptance" is the ultimate end of the process.  And, I think we'll certainly get there together.  It will never be easy along the way.








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Offline Lynne

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2008, 11:48:18 am »
I'm no expert either, Amanda, but I think you're onto something about the anger and raised tensions the past couple of weeks.  People are ultra-sensitive right now, feeling hurt and raw, so any little thing is like poking at an open wound.

As time passes, I feel certain our community will emerge forever changed yet stronger for have gone through such a tragedy together.  I've been absent from most of the Heath Grieving threads because I'm not at a place where I can deal with it yet - we're all on individual schedules there.  But I have observed that despite the some low-startle-point moments, overwhelmingly folks have rallied around each other, offering support and comfort, and I'm proud to see that.
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Offline MaineWriter

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2008, 12:53:11 pm »
Yes, I agree with Lynne that we'll slowly begin to return to some kind of normal (or a "new normal") with time.  I think part of the "new normal" will involve incorporating our collective grief as well as a sense of urgency to memorialize Heath into our activities as Brokies.  I think it's too soon to know how all of this will play out.  It seems to me that the community is still reeling and in shock at the moment.  I mean, the funeral hasn't even happened yet.

Once the media attention moves on and we move forward in the grieving process we'll begin to get a better sense of what things will be like in a more permanent sense, around here.

I think some of the recent tensions, debates and arguments might actually be a manifestation of the "anger" phase of grieving that we're sort of moving through as a big group.  It just seems to be one of those stages you can't avoid going through.  And, it seems logical that this would come up most forcefully with the release of the toxicology report.  I'm no expert on grieving... so I'm not sure what the remaining phases are.  But, I do think "healing or acceptance" is the ultimate end of the process.  And, I think we'll certainly get there together.  It will never be easy along the way.


The phases are:

Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance

You move through them more or less in order, although you can go backwards. They are not static and fixed. And I agree, we did have a big community outburst of anger, yesterday, which is understandable, given the circumstances.

L
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Offline Penthesilea

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #9 on: February 07, 2008, 02:27:14 pm »
Hunh?

:(

If only I knew. I'm not yet ready to pick up the pieces and move on. Ask me again next week.

And for us as a community? We'll muddle through for a while longer, finding a path to the new normal while moving along. What the new normal will be and when we reach it might be different for all of us. We've always been a diverse community. Some mostly strolling in the blogs, some playing, some still discussing the roots of the story and movie, and some at home in all corners of our community.

We'll just continue to be Brokies. And some of us, Heathens.

Offline souxi

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #10 on: February 07, 2008, 02:40:50 pm »
I dunno really. I mean I,m over the initial shock now. Now I,m just left with thinking how senseless his death was. I suppose once the funeral is over, we,ll all gradually get back to "normal". We won,t forget him obviously but I don,t think it will be quite as frantic as it was in the first few days after his death. It,s just such a tragic waste of a young life. He still had so much more to do and achieve and now he,ll never do any of it.   :(

Offline Ellemeno

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #11 on: February 14, 2008, 12:22:48 am »
What phase is this?  In some ways it feels worse because it's quiet.  This isn't "new normal," right?

Offline cmr107

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #12 on: February 14, 2008, 02:46:26 am »
I have no idea what phase I'm in. I've been here a lot since it happened, but haven't posted much. I've been hungry to read anything I can find about him and watch every video, but have not been able to bring myself to read any of the magazines I've bought with articles on him (and I NEVER buy magazines) or watch any of his movies. Now that this board is getting quieter, I sort of feel like I'm being forced into the next phase, but I don't know what that is.  ???

Offline BelAir

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #13 on: February 16, 2008, 05:42:16 pm »
i haven't bought any magazines either.

i don't [currently, at least], want to read what I suspect they are offering.  i don't know why I have an aversion to the magazine reports, given that I read various online reports.

i think it's too early for 'new normal' Elle.

imo

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Offline j.U.d.E.

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #14 on: February 16, 2008, 07:16:03 pm »
I have no idea what phase I'm in. I've been here a lot since it happened, but haven't posted much. I've been hungry to read anything I can find about him and watch every video, but have not been able to bring myself to read any of the magazines I've bought with articles on him (and I NEVER buy magazines) or watch any of his movies. Now that this board is getting quieter, I sort of feel like I'm being forced into the next phase, but I don't know what that is.  ???

It's weird. I didn't cry. I don't cry. I don't know why. It’s probably a control-thing. But I feel anger. I have no right, but it's there. I don't understand why it had to happen. I hate hate the fact that he'll never get old; that there will be no new movies; that we won't see more of his genius. I'm not pondering my words, because he was way up there at the top of his class. I have been trying to figuring out which other actor of his generation we could say the same about. Honestly, I can't think of any. As much as I think Jake was the perfect match in BBM and how much we have seen Jake grow in the characters he's been portraying since BBM (Jarhead comes to mind), I think there was something even more exceptional and incomparable with Heath. I cannot point it out exactly - charisma, profoundness, fearlessness, uniqueness - I don't know, because there are actors out there who are excellent too. It must have to do with his 'intenseness', an aura.. I don't know how to put it differently, but I think we will have to wait a while before we come across another actor as exceptional as Heath.

So much from a silly, adoring fan.. The thing is, I'm feeling anger, because I think it could have been prevented. Well, maybe not. I'm clueless, I don't know. I didn't know him. I feel angry because it all stopped. So suddenly. I’m angry because he'll become an icon (even more of an icon than he already was) and it's not what he wanted I think. But I don't know. I'd rather have him grow old than become an icon, because that's what the order of things should have been. Heath growing old and seeing his daughter grow up.

I'm in the anger-phase, obviously. But it mixes with denial and probably bargaining. Possibly even jealousy, because I would love to be as talented and intelligent as he was. There are moments when I think of Heath and tell myself, hey, what am I even bothered? He is a guy I have never met, never talked too and never would have. I adored him through the screen and on pictures. Why is this bugging me so much? I can't tell. Around me, nobody seems bothered by actors and films and stories as much as I am. I feel isolated and silly sometimes and hide the fact that I fancy an actor or that I am overwhelmed by a movie or series. Then I tell myself, maybe I'm just stupid because that's a teenager-thing. Or is it? None of the people I know (except you guys here of course) seem to be into films and actors as much as I am. I try to shut up about it, because it feels as if everyone around me grew up, whereas I'm stuck. I've been watching tv a lot ever since I was a child. I don't think it was to escape the real world or anything, because I usually liked watching 'serious'/'realistic' stuff (still do).

Aaaaaaanyway, what I want to say, is that it's the senselessness of it all that makes me angry at this point. And the fact that Heath will be 28 forever and that he's gone and that nobody on earth will ever talk to him again and that we will never hear or see new things from him and that he's been reduced to ashes so quickly....  :-X It's all gone way too fast..

Right now I can't watch him in a movie or video clip. I can look at pictures of him, but those where he looks at the camera and right into your eyes, are painful. I know I'm totally exaggerating and I'm usually much more quiet about things like these, but I need a place to get rid of this. .. I bought tons of magazines (well, it seems like tons,  because I like others here don't buy magazines) the other week, with articles about Heath's death. I looked at some of the pictures but read almost none of what was written (some of these magazines are probably the worst kind - I wouldn't know). I taped news accounts and YouTube clips and tributes without watching them ever again (sometimes not even once). It will be for later. For when the acceptance phase arrives, I suppose.

I'm just glad BM exists and it was the first place I turned to in the evening of January 22nd. However, it seems already far too quiet here. But people grieve differently. I have to accept that. I’m sorry for this long self-indulgent ramble, but that’s where I’m at right now. My post here was supposed to be a very short one. I know that there will come a moment, one day, where all the grieving vanishes suddenly and where this is just something that happened. I’m not looking forward to this day, but it will bring closure. Maybe.

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Offline cmr107

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2008, 09:15:04 pm »
I bought tons of magazines (well, it seems like tons,  because I like others here don't buy magazines) the other week, with articles about Heath's death. I looked at some of the pictures but read almost none of what was written (some of these magazines are probably the worst kind - I wouldn't know)....It will be for later. For when the acceptance phase arrives, I suppose.

j. U. d. E.

Me too. I bought them because I thought that I would be sorry later if I didn't have them, but I just stuck them in a drawer. I think I'm probably afraid of what they say, but that doesn't make sense. I've read some pretty horrible stuff online, so I don't know why I'm scared to read horrible stuff in a magazine. Maybe it's something about seeing it in print that would make it worse, I don't know.

Offline BelAir

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2008, 09:28:28 pm »
It's weird. I didn't cry. I don't cry. I don't know why. It’s probably a control-thing. But I feel anger. I have no right, but it's there. I don't understand why it had to happen. I hate hate the fact that he'll never get old; that there will be no new movies; that we won't see more of his genius. I'm not pondering my words, because he was way up there at the top of his class. I have been trying to figuring out which other actor of his generation we could say the same about. Honestly, I can't think of any. As much as I think Jake was the perfect match in BBM and how much we have seen Jake grow in the characters he's been portraying since BBM (Jarhead comes to mind), I think there was something even more exceptional and incomparable with Heath. I cannot point it out exactly - charisma, profoundness, fearlessness, uniqueness - I don't know, because there are actors out there who are excellent too. It must have to do with his 'intenseness', an aura.. I don't know how to put it differently, but I think we will have to wait a while before we come across another actor as exceptional as Heath.

So much from a silly, adoring fan.. The thing is, that I'm feeling anger, because it could have been prevented. Well, maybe not . I'm clueless, I don't know. I didn't know him. I feel angry because it all stopped. So suddenly. I’m angry because he'll become an icon (even more of an icon as he already was, I guess) and it's not what he wanted I think. But I don't know. I'd rather have him grow old than become an icon, because that's what the order of things should have been. Heath growing old and seeing his daughter grow up.

I'm in the anger-phase, obviously. But it mixes with denial and probably bargaining. Possibly even jealousy, because I would have loved to be as talented and intelligent as he was. There are moments when I think of Heath and tell myself, hey, what am I even bothered? He is a guy I have never met, nor talked too. I adored him through the screen and on pictures. I have never met him and never would have. Why is this bugging me so much? I can't tell. Around me, nobody seems bothered by actors and films and stories as much as I do. I feel very isolated sometimes and hide the fact that I fancy an actor or am overwhelmed by a movie or series. Then I tell myself, maybe I'm just stupid because that's a teenager-thing to do. Or is it? None of the people I know (except you guys here of course) seem to be into films and actors as much as I am. I try to shut up about it as much as possible, because it feels as if everyone around me grew up, whereas I'm stuck. I've been watching tv a lot ever since I was a child. I don't think it was to escape the real world or anything, because I usually liked watching 'serious'/'realistic' stuff (still do).

Aaaaaaanyway, what I want to say, is that it's the senselessness of it all that makes me angry at this point. And the fact that Heath will be 28 forever and that he's gone and that nobody on earth will ever talk to him again and that we will never hear or see new things from him and that he's been reduced to ashes so quickly....  :-X It's all gone way too fast..

Right now I can't watch him in a movie or video clip. I can look at pictures of him, but those where he looks at the camera and right into your eyes, are painful. I know I'm totally exaggerating and I'm usually much more quiet about things like these, but I need a place to get rid of this. .. I bought tons of magazines (well, it seems like tons,  because I like others here don't buy magazines) the other week, with articles about Heath's death. I looked at some of the pictures but read almost none of what was written (some of these magazines are probably the worst kind - I wouldn't know). I taped news accounts and YouTube clips and tributes without watching them ever again (sometimes not even once). It will be for later. For when the acceptance phase arrives, I suppose.

I'm just glad BM exists and it was the first place I turned to in the evening of January 22nd. However, it seems already far too quiet here. But people grieve differently. I have to accept that. I’m sorry for this long self-indulgent ramble, but that’s where I’m at right now. My post here was supposed to be a very short one. I know that there will come a moment, one day, where all the grieving vanishes suddenly and where this is just something that happened. I’m not looking forward to this day, but it will bring closure. Maybe.

j. U. d. E.

don't apologize for the long post!!!

I understand everything you said, and even if I don't feel precisely the same way right this second, I think I probably have in the past, and probably will in the future.

It's good to get it out.  I'm glad you said all of the things you did.
"— a thirst for life, for love, and for truth..."

Offline Ellemeno

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #17 on: February 17, 2008, 12:29:34 am »
Me too, Jude, I read every word, and I'm glad to.


Offline Brown Eyes

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #18 on: February 17, 2008, 02:25:50 am »
Hey j. U. d. E., thanks for that heart-felt post. 
 :-*

I think it's wonderful that people can share their feelings in all the stages of grief here.

I know I've certainly gone through some pretty identifiable changes in mood and reaction over the past several weeks.  At the moment, I feel sort of emotionally exhausted in my grief.  I wonder if things may have quieted down a bit because some other folks may be going through something of an exhaustion phase.  Also, the frantic pace of all the news reports has slowed some recently.  So, maybe that's another reason why things are a little quieter.

I'm sure this particular forum will evolve in ways that are hard to predict as time moves along. 


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Re: Now what?
« Reply #19 on: February 17, 2008, 02:51:30 am »
Jude, I understand and agree with your post except that it's not anger that I feel, it's the immeasurable level of pain and sadness that we're no longer be able to accompany Heath along his strive to be an even better actor, to watch the films he planned to direct and to see Matilda grow up. 

It is still very painful to see the photos.  I'm still not ready to watch the tributes on youtubes, to read the tributes by BBM fans or some tribute articles written.  I'll come back to them later when I'm ready.


Offline Penthesilea

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #20 on: February 17, 2008, 05:26:13 pm »
{{{Jude}}}



Some thoughts about the "new normal": today Leslie posted a pic of Robert Redford and Paul Newman as Butch&Sundance in her blog, remembering that we used to "share" Robert a while ago (little ongoing joke between us).
There it was again, the pang in my chest.  :( I thought about the times "back then", the time when Heath was still alive and nothing seemed wrong.
I think part of the new normal will be to divide the time in before and after. Everything related to BetterMost, Brokeback Mountain, my Brokie friends and even gatherings will be divided in before and after.
The way we joked about Robert Redford, the EuroBrokie meeting to see the play, the BBQ last year, precious classic threads like "lovable subtle details" (shirt-tucking, anyone?) - all this was before. I think it will stay this way. I damn well hope the pain when thinking about it will get less (and I know it will), but I think a bittersweet feeling will stay with us. Bittersweet will be a part of the "new normal".

Offline Ellemeno

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #21 on: February 18, 2008, 11:12:34 am »
{{{Jude}}}



Some thoughts about the "new normal": today Leslie posted a pic of Robert Redford and Paul Newman as Butch&Sundance in her blog, remembering that we used to "share" Robert a while ago (little ongoing joke between us).
There it was again, the pang in my chest.  :( I thought about the times "back then", the time when Heath was still alive and nothing seemed wrong.
I think part of the new normal will be to divide the time in before and after. Everything related to BetterMost, Brokeback Mountain, my Brokie friends and even gatherings will be divided in before and after.
The way we joked about Robert Redford, the EuroBrokie meeting to see the play, the BBQ last year, precious classic threads like "lovable subtle details" (shirt-tucking, anyone?) - all this was before. I think it will stay this way. I damn well hope the pain when thinking about it will get less (and I know it will), but I think a bittersweet feeling will stay with us. Bittersweet will be a part of the "new normal".


Chrissi, that's beautiful and somehow even hopeful.

Offline Penthesilea

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #22 on: February 19, 2008, 05:12:10 pm »

Chrissi, that's beautiful and somehow even hopeful.

Thank you Clarissa.  :-*

Offline j.U.d.E.

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #23 on: February 19, 2008, 09:25:48 pm »
Me too. I bought them because I thought that I would be sorry later if I didn't have them, but I just stuck them in a drawer. I think I'm probably afraid of what they say, but that doesn't make sense. I've read some pretty horrible stuff online, so I don't know why I'm scared to read horrible stuff in a magazine. Maybe it's something about seeing it in print that would make it worse, I don't know.
I did that too - they are all stuck in a drawer. I want to take pictures of the covers for the thread 'Magazines featuring Heath', but I'm not sure I can. I know there is a thread about Phelps, but I have been avoiding it. Same for the threads or posts on those guys (comedians? don't know) who made jokes, just days after Heath's passing. Like you, I don't want to read it. I know now of course what the toxicology results are and I'm 'glad' that it shows that it wasn't drugs that killed him.

I'm feeling bad for Brad Renfro though, who must have had enormous issues - very sad his death too, but Heath is just so very different. The messages that I do dare read are the tributes posted here on BM, when I'm sure that they will say positive and sensible things. From there it's rather clear how much life-loving Heath was. That's what makes his death so much more tragic. He wanted to live. He took his medication because all he wanted is to rest, sleep a little, just so he could wake up again and enjoy life, enjoy his work and enjoy his family.

Dare I say that I'm angry at Heath? I am. I don't understand why he wasn't more careful. ..

j. U. d. E.
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