Author Topic: telling people off  (Read 12580 times)

Offline Shasta542

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Re: telling people off
« Reply #20 on: March 21, 2008, 10:29:51 am »
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I handle aggression and confrontation by not saying much - but I get my point across.

That's great, Kerry. You showed a lot of class.

Were you ever in the guy's presence again? If so, did he have better manners?
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Offline Kerry

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Re: telling people off
« Reply #21 on: March 21, 2008, 10:42:57 am »
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I handle aggression and confrontation by not saying much - but I get my point across.

That's great, Kerry. You showed a lot of class.

Were you ever in the guy's presence again? If so, did he have better manners?


I refused to go to any further family functions where he was present, Shasta, and now he's deceased. I never saw him again. I hope he's found peace.

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Offline delalluvia

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Re: telling people off
« Reply #22 on: March 21, 2008, 11:58:04 am »
I refused to go to any further family functions where he was present, Shasta, and now he's deceased. I never saw him again. I hope he's found peace.



You are so kind-hearted, Kerry.  I would have been thinking, 'well, he's now deceased, he's getting what he had coming.'

Offline forsythia12

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Re: telling people off
« Reply #23 on: March 21, 2008, 12:41:03 pm »
I can't abide aggression or confrontation of any kind and will do anything to avoid it.

However, having said that, I will stand up for myself and defend myself if slighted. But I do it in an understated way and with courtesy, where possible.

To give you an example, many years ago, when I was in my late twenties, I had a similar experience to the Thanksgiving confrontation between Jack and L.D.Newsome.

It was Christmas lunch at the home of one of my brothers. Present were my mother, my aunt (mother's sister), my brother's wife, my niece and two nephews (brother's children), my brother's wife's parents, my brother and myself. Ten of us in all.

It was the first Christmas following my father's death the previous May. My Dad knew I was gay and was always very sweet with me about it. My brother's father-in-law, however, was a crass, boorish homophobe of the highest order. He had been making snide, underhand, homophobic remarks ever since Mum and I arrived. At some point about half-way through the meal, he made one remark too many and I snapped.

In front of all those people, I very quietly put my knife and fork down, got up from the table, went over to Mum and gave her a farewell kiss on the cheek, asked my brother to drive Mum home and simply left the room.

Mum was crying. My brother's mouth was hanging open. My brother's father-in-law's face had turned purple with rage because I had dared to turn my back on him and, in so doing, had withdrawn his sport from him.

When I got to my car, I heard footsteps behind me and it was my brother, begging me to return. He was not angry, just concerned. I declined his offer, bade him farewell (pleasantly) and drove away.

Fact is, that hideous man would never have said the things he did to me if my father had been present. He wouldn't have had the courage to do so. He would have known my Dad would have knocked his lights out.

My brother is 10 years older than me and I was in his home. He sat there silently while his father-in-law made his snide remarks at my expense, in front of our recently widowed mother. I'm his little brother. He should have told his father-in-law to mind his manners in his home. But he didn't.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I handle aggression and confrontation by not saying much - but I get my point across.

   

 

that was nice kerry.  very classy indeed.  it's definately hard when it's your own family that hurts you or lets you down.  ...but you handled yourself very well.  ...

Offline Kelda

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Re: telling people off
« Reply #24 on: March 21, 2008, 03:45:53 pm »
wow Kerry that is ineed very classy - go you - I couldnt have done it
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Offline Kerry

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Re: telling people off
« Reply #25 on: March 21, 2008, 10:11:45 pm »
Like most everyone, I do experience all the emotions that should normally prompt one to tell someone off. Alas, when I've done so in the past, however, I find that rather than being left with a feeling of righteous self-satisfaction,  I instead end up feeling enormous self-loathing, for allowing myself to be lowered to their level.

What works for me is to retreat from the field of battle. I find that if you don't take their bait, they soon tire of you and move on to another victim. I refuse to engage them in battle.

That, and externalising my frustrations and anger in a creative way. I've always kept a journal and find it very therapeutic to give someone a piece of my mind in my journal, rather than telling them off to their face. Since the advent of the internet and blogging, however, I now do a lot of my therapeutic externalising in posts here at BetterMost. For example, I found that my last post, where I described my brother's hateful father-in-law, to be particularly cathartic for me. And even more so since receiving your kind feedback. Thank you, everyone, for the sweet things you said. It means a lot to me.

Another way, I externalise and dissipate my anger is by poking fun at things that hurt me, and laughing at them. I do this by drawing cartoons. For example:



 
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Re: telling people off
« Reply #26 on: March 21, 2008, 10:15:49 pm »
Like most everyone, I do experience all the emotions that should normally prompt one to tell someone off. Alas, when I've done so in the past, however, I find that rather than being left with a feeling of righteous self-satisfaction,  I instead end up feeling enormous self-loathing, for allowing myself to be lowered to their level.

What works for me is to retreat from the field of battle. I find that if you don't take their bait, they soon tire of you and move on to another victim. I refuse to engage them in battle.

That, and externalising my frustrations and anger in a creative way. I've always kept a journal and find it very therapeutic to give someone a piece of my mind in my journal, rather than telling them off to their face. Since the advent of the internet an blogging, however, I now do a lot of my therapeutic externalising in posts here at BetterMost. For example, I found that my last post, where I described my brother's hateful father-in-law, to be particularly cathartic for me. And even more so since receiving your kind feedback. Thank you, everyone, for the sweet things you said. It means a lot to me.

Another way, I externalise and dissipate my anger is by poking fun at things that hurt me, and laughing at them. I do this by drawing cartoons. For example:



 

I do this in real life with my family. I can't win because I won't say things I can't take back so I run...THEY dont' seem to have any trouble saying horrible things   :-\

Offline forsythia12

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Re: telling people off
« Reply #27 on: March 21, 2008, 10:26:51 pm »
i can relate to that jess! :-\

Offline delalluvia

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Re: telling people off
« Reply #28 on: March 21, 2008, 10:27:37 pm »
Like most everyone, I do experience all the emotions that should normally prompt one to tell someone off. Alas, when I've done so in the past, however, I find that rather than being left with a feeling of righteous self-satisfaction,  I instead end up feeling enormous self-loathing, for allowing myself to be lowered to their level.

What works for me is to retreat from the field of battle. I find that if you don't take their bait, they soon tire of you and move on to another victim. I refuse to engage them in battle.

That, and externalising my frustrations and anger in a creative way. I've always kept a journal and find it very therapeutic to give someone a piece of my mind in my journal, rather than telling them off to their face. Since the advent of the internet and blogging, however, I now do a lot of my therapeutic externalising in posts here at BetterMost. For example, I found that my last post, where I described my brother's hateful father-in-law, to be particularly cathartic for me. And even more so since receiving your kind feedback. Thank you, everyone, for the sweet things you said. It means a lot to me.

Another way, I externalise and dissipate my anger is by poking fun at things that hurt me, and laughing at them. I do this by drawing cartoons. For example:

Excellent way for you guys to channel your anger.  I'm glad it works for you.

It's taken me a long time to be able to make peace with my anger at situations and people.  First, as a child, I internalized everything.  I was raised as a nice ethnic girl.  I wasn't supposed to get mad at anything or anyone.  By high school, I had internalized my stresses so much, I came down with a psychosomatic illness.  One that gave me agonizing stomach cramps and constant vomiting.  My body was basically dealing with my internalized stress and anger by putting me in bed for a week at a time and taking me away from the situation.

This kinda put the kibosh on any social life.

I finally learned how to deal with it.  When stress started to build and I could feel the cramping coming on I learned to use relaxation techniques to avoid the final act.  I learned control of both mind and body doing that.

So now, I'm able to keep things inside much easier than before, but sometimes, for my own sanity's sake, and simply for the exercise of my right to get angry - which was something I had to learn I deserved - I cut loose on people.


Offline Kerry

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Re: telling people off
« Reply #29 on: March 21, 2008, 10:54:08 pm »
I do this in real life with my family. I can't win because I won't say things I can't take back so I run...THEY dont' seem to have any trouble saying horrible things   :-\

{{{Jess}}} I can certainly empathise with you there. There were only ever two people in my family who I really cared for and loved, and they were my darling parents (both deceased). I'm their youngest, the child of their old age. They loved me unconditionally, as I loved them. And that was enough for me.
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