Hurricane Preparedness

[ednbarby]

For all my colleagues living on the U.S. southeast and Gulf coasts...

PREPARING FOR A HURRICANE

Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the western Atlantic and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be on the southeast and Gulf coasts. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that you'll get hit by "The Big One.''

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple plan.

Three-step Hurricane Preparedness Plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.

Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in any area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.

At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

"Roll-down shutters": The advantages are that they're very easy to use and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-Proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

"Hurricane Proofing Your Property": As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area (which pretty much describes the entire state of Florida), you should have an evacuation route planned out. The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mass of supplies. Do not buy them now! Tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks really cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Hurricane Andrew: after the hurricane, there WILL be alligators and they WILL be irate.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man on the side of the road with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions.

As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean and telling you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: It's great living in paradise!

[delalluvia]

 

Thankfully, I live on the prairie about 6 hours drive from the nearest large body of sea water and when we hear 'hurricane' in our parts, we think 'Hey, we might get some rain.  Maybe.'

We only have to worry about tornados.

[ednbarby]

Thankfully, I live on the prairie about 6 hours drive from the nearest large body of sea water and when we hear 'hurricane' in our parts, we think 'Hey, we might get some rain.  Maybe.'

We only have to worry about tornados.

After last year's festivities, I got to thinking about whether there really was any place else in the country that was "safe" in comparison.  I figured tornadoes are scarier than hurricanes, because they can come out of nowhere in the middle of the night when you're totally unprepared.  One once touched down nearish me when I lived in Ohio like that - heard the alarm go off and took my dog down to the basement and cowered in the one completely interior room down there for a half hour.  Fun stuff.  Earthquakes - same deal.  Then of course there's the snow factor up north - get yourself caught in a white-out or on a big patch of glare ice on the highway and you're in deep shiza.

So I decided the ideal location would be Colorado Springs.  You're in the foothills of the mountains, so your biggest worries are avalanches and bears.  And if you're a homebody like me, neither of those should be a problem.

[welliwont]

For all my colleagues living on the U.S. southeast and Gulf coasts...

PREPARING FOR A HURRICANE

Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the western Atlantic and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be on the southeast and Gulf coasts. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that you'll get hit by "The Big One.''

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple plan.

Three-step Hurricane Preparedness Plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness
items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:

If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.

Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in any area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house.

At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS:

Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

"Roll-down shutters": The advantages are that they're very easy to use and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-Proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

"Hurricane Proofing Your Property": As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:

If you live in a low-lying area (which pretty much describes the entire state of Florida), you should have an evacuation route planned out. The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES:

If you don't evacuate, you will need a mass of supplies. Do not buy them now! Tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights and at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks really cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Hurricane Andrew: after the hurricane, there WILL be alligators and they WILL be irate.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man on the side of the road with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions.

As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean and telling you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: It's great living in paradise!

  This sounds like Dave Barry!  Did you write this Barb?

[ednbarby]

This sounds like Dave Barry!  Did you write this Barb?

I wish I could (legitimately) take credit, but it was sent to me in an email, and I remember it making the rounds last year down here at about this time.  I've never seen who's credited with it, but it sounds an awful lot like Dave Barry to me, too.

I did editorialize the original in a few places, though, just for fun.

[delalluvia]

After last year's festivities, I got to thinking about whether there really was any place else in the country that was "safe" in comparison.  I figured tornadoes are scarier than hurricanes, because they can come out of nowhere in the middle of the night when you're totally unprepared.  One once touched down nearish me when I lived in Ohio like that - heard the alarm go off and took my dog down to the basement and cowered in the one completely interior room down there for a half hour.

Yeah, but once they touch ground, tornados only last for like 3 minutes, compared to hours for a hurricane, days for a blizzard/flooding rains/mudslides.

And unlike earthquakes, you get a warning. 

[nakymaton]

I love that piece. Which parts did you add?

So I decided the ideal location would be Colorado Springs.  You're in the foothills of the mountains, so your biggest worries are avalanches and bears.  And if you're a homebody like me, neither of those should be a problem.

Actually, the worst threat in Colorado Springs is Focus on the Family. The next worst threat is sprawl.

But besides that, flash floods on the small streams are probably the most likely sudden hazard. There's a potential for earthquakes (probably no larger than magnitude 6, but nobody's really sure) all along the Front Range. And swelling soils and drought, though those are just boring and annoying as far as natural hazards go.

[ednbarby]

Oh, yeah.  I forgot about those nimrods.  One of those ironies in life - how any organization with the word "Family" in it is truly about as anti-family as they come.  Kinda like any religion with the word "Science" in it is about just the opposite.   

So...  How about Portland, Oregon?  That's above the fault line, isn't it?  I hear there are a lot of Libertarian types out there - I can deal with that a lot sooner than I can deal with the anti-family Family types.  I grew up with the former, essentially.

[MaineWriter]

So...  How about Portland, Oregon?  That's above the fault line, isn't it?  I hear there are a lot of Libertarian types out there - I can deal with that a lot sooner than I can deal with the anti-family Family types.  I grew up with the former, essentially.

Portland, Maine is better, actually. And if you move here, you'll have an automatic friend!

Last hurricane that made it to Portland was 1991, the year my daughter was born. And it wasn't that bad. No damage to the house but we did lose a big tree in the front yard and were without power for 3 days. I evacuated to my mother's house in NH (not Nebraska) only because Hannah was just 4 weeks old.

I love the part about waiting til the last minute to go to the grocery store. In addition to flashlights and batteries, the other required supplies are beer and white bread. LOTS of beer and white bread.

[ednbarby]

Portland, Maine is better, actually. And if you move here, you'll have an automatic friend!

Last hurricane that made it to Portland was 1991, the year my daughter was born. And it wasn't that bad. No damage to the house but we did lose a big tree in the front yard and were without power for 3 days. I evacuated to my mother's house in NH (not Nebraska) only because Hannah was just 4 weeks old.

I love the part about waiting til the last minute to go to the grocery store. In addition to flashlights and batteries, the other required supplies are beer and white bread. LOTS of beer and white bread.

Yes.  And here is my Golden Rule:  There is no such thing as "too much ice."  (Part Two of that one is There is nothing worse when you're sweating like a stuck pig than warm beer.)