For me the connection was and still is, that of a wrong turning made in my life. It is also the dreadful realisation that life has moved on way too far now, to ever turn round again.
It is about deluding myself that once having found love, albeit at a less than opportune time, that love could ever just cease.
Do we cease to love someone who has died, I think not.Yet in my befuddled brain, I thought I could just up and walk away.
Another connection is that of a parent, now desperate for her children not to repeat the mistakes she has made.
The brother of my love and I do mean my love, once implored, don't do this. He had lost his partner and great love to AIDS. He berated me saying, how can you walk away from this, when I would give anything to have my lover back. He was nonplussed by my stupidity. He was also unfortunately, quite right.
So I watch BBM and grieve on many levels, particularly when I see that my actions, although guided by a desire to do the right thing, have in actual fact, left casualties on route.
It is of paramount importance to me that my children find love and hang on to it. At least then I will feel some happy resolution has come from my sacrifice. To think that I may have given up so much and for no good to ensue, would be beyond bearable.
BBM continues to resonate with me on so many levels that it is now an integral part of me. I can talk to no one about it, (apart from here at Bettermost) as to do so would hurt too many people.So I nurse my personal grief and hope for the, it is better to have loved and lost, to actually resonate truthfully with me. So far that has proved to be elusive, as has any sustained peace of mind.
So I find myself much as Ennis, hanging on to dreams to warm me through the day.