Ashamed of being straight?

[TheStudDuck!]

Greetings gang,

I know I'm not much of a poster these days... but I had something that has kind of been on my mind that I thought perhaps my Brokies could help me out with.  I figured if anyone could understand, it could be some of the people that have been impacted by this film.  This thread could actually be put into a different forum, but I wanted to put it here because I trust my Tremblayans more... and this is one of those things that I need to feel comfortable with talking about first... so if one of the moderators want to move it after a few days, then feel free...

So, to get down to business, let's do some explaining on why I'm posting this thread.

I was talking about the film Boogie Nights with a friend of mind and she said, "I hear there's a shocking moment of male nudity in that one," and I told her that he has a huge cock, but it isn't shown until the end... "they just kept teasing me" (that's how I phrased it) until then.  At which point she said, "it's comments like that which make me think you're bi."

It's not that I was offended by her comment.  I'm not.  But it just frustrates me because it's like everyone expects me to be gay... or to at least be sexually attracted to men.  I mean, just last week, two of my co-workers had told me that they had thought that perhaps I was gay, after I had mentioned that one of the guys that worked with us (but quit) was a "pretty good lookin' guy."

I guess what I'm trying to say is that... throughout my life... people have made this assumption... like, I guess some of my interests are not typical of your male trying to showcase his masculinity... so, I don't know what it is, but people always tell me that they really think I'm gay -- as if they should know better than me.

You know, I did community theatre for over five years.  And I really do love the film, The Bridges of Madison County.  And I hate sports.  And I hate degrading women when none are around as if they are trophies to be won and shown off.  And I'm so comfortable with myself and who I am that I'm able to say (aloud) if I think a male is attractive without feeling like it's a big deal (because it isn't).  But people treat it as such.

What I'm saying is that... I've always had a problem with feeling like people have expectations for me that I just don't have the ability to live up to.  That's always been something that has been hard for me to deal with.  And this just taps into that problem and brings me down... as if everyone expects me to be gay... but that's just not who I am.

I was hoping that maybe some of the gay males (heck, maybe even females) could understand where I'm coming from.  I mean, to feel ashamed of your sexuality?

I mean, I don't have anything against homosexuality or the gay community or anything like that... I love all you guys... but it's just like people want me to be something that I'm not.  I'd feel the same way if people constantly told me that I should be a math teacher.  You know, I'm not like great at math, and I actually hate math, so why would I want to be a math teacher!?  It's not really offensive (but it is in some ways, I suppose)... it just gets really old after a while.  To the point where it's annoying.

I suppose that I'm also somewhat sensitive to the subject because throughout middle school and high school, I was always called "fag" and "queer" (common insults during those years for many is what I understand) and one year my cousin happened to tell every single person in my family that I was gay and that I had an obsession with Kevin Bacon... which led to being made fun of in ways that I've opted to block out.

I've always been one that trusts women significantly more than I do men.  And I love women because they make me feel a certain way that men just don't.  There's just something about them.

And it's not as if I'm closeted and I'm secretly thinking about Brad Pitt when I masturbate and I just haven't admitted to everyone that I'm a flaming homosexual -- which everyone seems like they think will happen sometime in the future.  Or at least admit that I'm bisexual.

It's just never been that way.  I've always been attracted to women and only women... and while people may be surprised by that, it's the truth and it's just who I am.  Sexual orientation has nothing to do with your interests or anything like that... it's just one of those things, like your favorite color.

So why is it such a huge deal?  And why do people make me feel like I'm supposed to be something that I'm not?

I'm just looking for thoughts and comments.  Any and all would be appreciated.

Yours,
David Thomas

[opinionista]

You know, I did community theatre for over five years.  And I really do love the film, The Bridges of Madison County.  And I hate sports.  And I hate degrading women when none are around as if they are trophies to be won and shown off.  And I'm so comfortable with myself and who I am that I'm able to say (aloud) if I think a male is attractive without feeling like it's a big deal (because it isn't).

You seem so perfect. I'll marry you! (just kidding  )

David, I don't think you are alone in this. A lot of heterosexual men deal with situations similar to the one you're dealing with, just because they refuse to be the typical macho man. I have two friends that are straight (they don't know each other) and everyone around keep saying they're closeted gays. One of my friends doesn't care. He's actually flattered by the rumors (like Jake Gyllenhaal) because according to him it means that he's so hot that even men want to sleep with him.

The other one is a bit annoyed, and doesn't understand why people think he's gay. He has no problem with gay men or women, its just that, like you, he feels some people want him to be something he's not.

I'm straight woman and I do the same when I see an attractive woman. I say it and sometimes even look at her and admire her, but that doesn't mean I want to sleep with her. I'm sure some people might think I'm lesbian. No one has ever asked me though. But I'm not.

So why is it such a huge deal?  And why do people make me feel like I'm supposed to be something that I'm not?

That's something I 've always wondered myself regarding many aspects of my life. Why people want me to be something I'm not? I guess it is that we all grow up learning ideas and concepts about how things are supposed to be. We make up all these models about life and people in our heads and when we see something different we have trouble accepting it. For example, some people assume that because I'm hispanic only eat beans, tacos and tamales and I don't like tofu. I actually hate beans and never tried tamales in my life. I like tacos and also tofu! Others think that because I have a hearing disability I can't listen to music and I don't know who's U2, for example. It goes on and on.

I guess you have to try not to be bothered by it as long as you are sure of you are, because you cannot change the ideas people have of the world and the people in it.

[David]

G'morning David Thomas,

    Well, the public has always had a fascination with other peoples sex lives.  I think for most of them, they live vicariously thru the sex lives of others.   And seeing people as bi or gay makes them more exciting.   Or for those who are not comfortable with their own sexuality, it makes them uncomfortable or threatened.  Silly isn't it?

   The human brain works in weird ways and never the same way in every person.   Studies have shown that a persons sexuality is determined at birth.  But not everyone acts apon those feelings for different reasons.   Some people just need longer time to accept these feelings.  Some never do.     Unfortunately people do stereotype eachother.   

   When I was young, I thought the world was black and white.  But now I realize that not only are there shades of gray in the middle, but a colorful mix of wondeful people.  Some good, some bad.   But a persons sexual identity should not be joked about.    There is no "normal".   Even in the heterosexual world I see great diversity of behavior and even fetishes.

  As for a straight guy saying another man is attractive, ie: Jake Gyllenhaal,  that is just being honest.   A person who is truly comfortable with themselves wouldn't hesitate to say so.    Many times this happens.   I recall my father and mother asking me who I thought was attractive overall.    At the time I said,  "Hmm, a 20-30 year old Robert Redford?"    Mom smiled, my Dad said :"That's funny, I always thought Tom Selleck from Magnum P.I. was a handsome fella, a real mans-man"     I burst out laughing.

Or remember the movie; "About Last Night"  ??   With Rob Lowe, Demi moore and James Belushi?   The James Belushi character told Rob Lowe :"Your problem is that you are too good looking.  Girls are afraid of you.  You need a good industrial accident to help improve your love life".      Oh yeah, we do live in a strange society!  LOL

So David Thomas, I think you have already answered your question.   You know one must be comfortable with themselves before you can be happy with others.   As for stereotypes, they will always be there.   I can't speak for what turns you on sexually.   It may be girls, maybe boys later?   maybe never.  I doesn't really matter does it?   There are plenty of non-athletic, sensative, heterosexual guys out there.    There are plenty of butch, manly, construction worker types who love to come home and jump in the sack with their own Jack Twist.     The important thing is that your friends and family will accept you.  If they don't, then the problem lies within themselves, not you.

I am not afraid to say or think a passing girl is pretty.  That doesn't mean I want to have sex with her.  Then again, maybe I could?     Just because you see a guy as handsome doesn't mean you want to jump him either.   Then again, maybe someday you will.    That is the trouble with life.  There is no hand book or owners manual!

[opinionista]

I am not afraid to say or think a passing girl is pretty.  That doesn't mean I want to have sex with her.  Then again, maybe I could?     Just because you see a guy as handsome doesn't mean you want to jump him either.   Then again, maybe someday you will.    That is the trouble with life.  There is no hand book or owners manual!

So true! I agree with you there David! Like Jake Gyllenhaal said, I'm not sexually attracted to women but don't think I'll be afraid if it happens someday.

[ednbarby]

What an interesting topic of conversation.  What struck me most in your post, David, was the thought that us straight women are "allowed" to comment on other women's attractiveness *all the time*, and no one bats an eye.  I remember after the Golden Globes, my two female coworkers and I sat around and talked about who was the most gorgeous and best-dressed woman for like, ten minutes.  One of our straight male coworkers came up and joined in, and never said anything like, "Have any of you girls ever considered the thought that you might be gay?"

Again, it's that double-standard.  And as much as I often envy you straight guys - because let's face it - you rule the world - I pity you at times, too.  Society is constantly expecting you to prove your masculinity.  Frankly, David, you just sound like a good man to me.  A damned good one.  Straight or gay doesn't matter, but I'm confident that you know yourself better than anyone else.  But then I've never been obsessed with what other people do with their midlands in the privacy of their own homes like so many of my so-called Christian acquaintances seem to be.

When my husband first watched Brokeback with me, when the back seat scene came up and Jack says, "Fast or slow, I just like the direction you're going," he said "Jesus.  He *is* handsome."  (Ed is, uh, aware that I have a little bit of a crush on Mr. Gyllenhaal, so I think that right there, he was just validating my taste.  )  He's said that or some variation of that about a few other men, some famous, some we know personally over the years.  I've never thought anything of it, or if I did, I was just glad he didn't feel afraid to say so - that he was secure enough in himself and his own sexuality that he doesn't feel vulnerable commenting on the attractiveness of another man.  We both talk about women we think are gorgeous all the time.  It's only fair that we can both talk about men in the same way, too.

[MaineWriter]

I am not afraid to say or think a passing girl is pretty.  That doesn't mean I want to have sex with her.  Then again, maybe I could?     Just because you see a guy as handsome doesn't mean you want to jump him either.   Then again, maybe someday you will.    That is the trouble with life.  There is no hand book or owners manual!

So true, David. Your comment made me think of this line from a certain fanfic I am addicted to (not my own). The speaker is saying it to Ennis:

"All you knew was ranchin an goin through ta ninth grade, no one ever sent you the Handbook a Queer Survival ta study before ya went up sheepherdin.”


Leslie

[chefjudy]

 

Like Jake Gyllenhaal said, I'm not sexually attracted to women but don't think I'll be afraid if it happens someday.

I think this line was taken out of context - I believe the quote was about Jake being turned on by men, not women since he already has more women than he could possibly handle......................

[delalluvia]

What everyone said, pretty much.

Is it possible when your friend was speaking to you about your comment possibly implying you being 'bi' she might have been trying to warn you that your comments did not fit into society's 'molds'?  Or that possibly SHE thinks you're bi and are just trying to hide it and if you are, you need to watch comments like that?

An  ex-boyfriend of mine was called into a counselors office at his school once because at his age, every other guy had pics of half-naked women and sports stars decorating their dorm rooms, he had a cat calendar and he fumed that he didn't know what the big deal was - he liked cats!

Again, it's difficult projecting one image but being another, but there isn't much you can do about it if you want to remain true to yourself.  I'd say be yourself and worry less about what others think.

[Front-Ranger]

Most people are bi to some extent, some more than others. The bigger question is, are we going to let other people's judgements rule how we think of ourselves? That's what Ennis did. Jack didn't let other people influence how he saw himself, even when they were as cruel as Aguirre. I am not ashamed of being straight, but I don't let being straight rule me. There are so many beautiful and appealing women in the world too and it would be a shame to leave them out of my fantasies! But I know it's easier for women than men. In my circles, lesbian women are often looked up to and admired. It's not been an easy time for straight men these days. Payback time.

[silkncense]

I have a little bit different take on this topic - or maybe I'm going totally off topic.  

I'd never thought anyone would consider me gay cause I am not.  I think people may be wondering now because of my obsession w/ Brokeback Mtn & my recent trip to SF to meet everyone.  That matters not at all to me.

But, being straight in a mindset that is not typical of your sex is a different thing.  When I was a very little girl, I wanted to be a cowBOY (got pictures to prove it).  If I was dressed in a dress, I put pants on under it.  I have ALWAYS wanted to be with the boys playing - not the girls.  I thought girls were boring & boys got to do all the great, exciting things in life like tramping through the woods & catching snakes (which scare me now.  I did love playing w/ dolls tho')  In band, I played trumpet (1st chair).

My career choice was a decidedly male occupation, one that women were just breaking into & carried a lot of controversy with it.  Consequently I was primarily around men and loved it - felt perfectly at home & comfortable with them.  (I had been a typist/secretary for a short period of time & simply did not/could not bond with any of the women.  In fact I have not bonded with women in general).

I LOVE men.  I'd still rather be with men at any given time.  I love everything about them.  Their faces, their bodies, their way of bonding, the way I never feel there is some underlying fakeness to them.  The latter implies I think women are fake.  This is my problem.   I remember always thinking that women were not being true to themselves when they spoke - probably because my opinions, interests, etc were so different.  Now I think it is simply me.

I love sports, I hate talking about babies.  I wanted to play the drums.  I never wear a dress unless it is formal (and then I love dressing up!)  I love make-up & loved (awhile back) being slim, sexy & attracting men.

I have never felt I was "in the wrong body."  I am completely comfortable as a female.  I have been physically attracted to the beauty of some women but never sexually attracted to a woman.  And very, very rarely emotionally.

SO, where the hell do I fit?  Like you said David, so many shades...

EDIT - Should have said, I love WATCHING sports - must be because I get to look at men!  Actually, I enjoy the sport but do watch only men playing... HMMMMMMM.