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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ --°’o’°-- ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~In memory of Sayif… Since it happened, every now and then I have these moments where my heart starts pounding and I have to breathe heavily. They are very short moments, but hurting like hell. I try blocking out the pictures of Sayif, when I found him lying on the street, but they keep popping up..
Ever since I was four years old, there was a cat or cats accompanying me through life. Except for, there were all rescued from somewhere (the street, shelters, foreign countries) and though I’ve lost some of them because of illness and age (one disappeared), I never had to go through what I had to go through with Sayif yesterday. A loss so sudden, so brutal.
But first, Marge. I am so sorry to hear about Trixie! This is so sad. This is so sad. Reading your message made me cry again. What a beautiful dog! I’m hugging you and hope you are surrounded by people who will understand your grief and will console you.
I would like to thank you all, with all my heart and my eyes filled with tears (who usually don’t come that easily). All your messages, your words, your hugs and Elle, Sayif in the banner, is all very overwhelming. Some of you have accompanied me and Brokie and the kittens, from the very beginning and through the ordeal of losing two kittens within one month of rescuing them from the street. I then thought that it was ‘safe’. That Brokie and Sayif had made it through the initial hurdles and would stay with me for 10-15 years or so.
Sayif [meaning ‘summer’ in Arabic; ‘summer’ like the summer for Ennis and Jack, in 1963] was the son of Brokie. When I brought Brokie home in the summer of 2006 with Sayif, Sama’ [sky] and Sahaba [cloud], I knew I wasn’t going to keep them all. I had decided to keep Brokie and one of the kittens. Sayif wasn’t my first choice. Compared to his brothers he was very distant and constantly and only thought about food (which is very possibly what saved him from the illnesses his weaker brothers died of). When I was left with Brokie and Sayif, he became very attached and cuddly. It took Brokie about 6 months or so though, to finally start purring. When she does now, it is a very constant and silent purring.
I do not live in a place that is safe for cats, I know. There are cars driving on both sides of the block of flats. In the back of my head I am always worried. Always. I manage to ‘forget’ that danger during the day when I am at work, but the minute I get into my car to drive home, I have to be home quickly and see if both of them are safe. But the worry is present, constantly.
[
Alert: the following text may be a bit graphic in parts] Yesterday I left home earlier than usual, as I had to be on the other side of Brussels at 7pm. But I wanted to go home first, feed and check on the cats. There are two little streets from the main street that lead to the block of flats I live in. I had taken the one where I didn’t drive past Sayif. When I parked my car in front of my flat, my neighbour suddenly appeared and I almost jumped because I thought, wow, I didn’t see her and could have hit her with my car. She looked at me through the car window and my blood froze.. She said there was a dead cat in the middle of the street and she was pretty sure it was one of mine.. We ran towards the cat and it was Sayif in a puddle of blood (I spare you more details), still breathing. I panicked.. I said to my neighbour ‘but he’s still breathing’.. ‘he’s still breathing! What do I do?’ I ran back, into my flat, took the cat carrier put one of these round cushions in it and ran back to where Sayif was. There was a car coming and I frantically waved to signify to the driver to slow down. I lifted Sayif up into the carrier and ran back to my car, took my neighbour with me and back to Sayif and rushed to the vet.
This vet is one of the best. She really cares. There were other people in the waiting room, but my neighbour quickly explained and I rushed through. My hands and sleeves covered in blood. She checked him and gave him valium and cortisone and said he is in no pain right now, as he is comatose. The check revealed that his heart and lung where absolutely fine. He had nothing broken, nothing, except the head… After a while he even peed and she said that is a good sign, meaning the bladder is not torn. She was very hopeful. She said she had seen much worse, but told me that it could all go either way and that I should think about having to have to put him to sleep. She even told me about herself, having had an accident (recently or not, I’m not sure) where she had hurt her head and her brain had swollen in three different places, but that it all healed and that she was now fine and standing there, back at work.
She said, she would give him a chance out of ten that he would survive and I said, we’ll try. All the time – for about two hours – I held and caressed him, said his name and asked him to hang in there, but I was not confident at all. Other clients came in with their pets and the vet dealt with them outside, in the waiting room, explaining each time, that there was an emergency case and everyone understood. At around 8.30pm I left and went home, exhausted. My neighbour had already walked back home much earlier (she would have stayed I guess, but I think the idea of driving back with me scared her, as I had driven like mad while hearing her asking me to slow down). The vet had said, that she would check on Sayif every two hours (because of the Baxter). She asked though, if she could call me, should she see that he got worse. She did not want to put him through any unnecessary pain. She said she never sleeps well and I said I don’t either and we agreed that she could call me any time of the night. I left and was so worried about having to take the decision to have him put to sleep. I arrived home and first went to my neighbour, thanking her for having been there. She said she was very shocked and had gone to her daughter’s who had given her something to calm down. My neighbour is a very small and frail woman, who has lost her husband only about a year ago.
I went to my flat to check on Brokie. She wasn’t home, but after about 20 minutes and me calling her, she turned up. We went inside and I just sat down on my bed and stared at her. She jumped on my lap (which she rarely does) purring. But then she started smelling my sleeve, stopped purring and left to sit at the window.
The call came much earlier than I expected – at around 10.30pm – and the vet told me that Sayif had thrown up, had taken one last breath and had just died. I drove there and it was not a pretty sight, but I had to touch him and stroke him. He was still warm... .. there was one little tear in the corner of his eye, which I wiped away. He was still warm.. In all this mess, I had the presence of mind to take my camera… I don’t know why, but I had that urge to take one last picture. The vet laid him into the round cushion that I had brought earlier and it looked like he was asleep. My sister who was there with me, was quite shocked I think, seeing me taking a picture. The vet explained to me that Sayif had not suffered and with the medicine she had given him, he had no realisation of what was happening to him. She said it to comfort me. Next to Sayif’s cage was a black cat and I inquired about it. She said that the cat had an operation on the left side of his mouth and she was waiting for him to properly recover to operate the other side. The cat was looking at us, very scared. We left the vet and my mother was waiting outside. I did not feel like talking and then we all left for our homes.
Kelda, I have read the article on grieving cats. You know, I had thought about keeping Brokie inside for a few days, too worried she would go searching for Sayif. Today I did not go to work. I did not sleep well and woke up very early. During the day though, I lay on my bed and Brokie came to keep me company.. she stayed with me for 3 hours or so at least. Then my mother came and we talked a little. I had closed the cat door and the door to my garden, as I wanted to keep Brokie inside, but she became very very restless (as she does sometimes), which really stresses me. I did let her go outside. She is so very and overly playful which is weird. She played with me in the garden, left the garden, but quickly came back and played some more. When my mother left, I took Brokie on a little stroll (like both, Brokie and Sayif loved to do with me following them). She did not seem disturbed in anyway at the non-presence of Sayif. On the contrary. Like I said, she seems overly gleeful. The idea of facing the next few weeks (or longer) and Brokie’s behaviour worries me a lot though. Keeping her indoors at night or during the day when I am at work is going to be stressful for Brokie and for me. I don’t want to lock her up inside, but I am worried that she will start looking for Sayif and possibly put herself in danger. I let her go outside earlier today and she is finally back inside. But she keeps pacing back and forth and making little sounds. I try to talk to her in a normal voice and keep giving her her favourite treat. But I fear that she will not calm down.
I think writing this down helps. But I have eaten almost nothing for the last 30 hours or so and didn’t sleep much either. I’m cold quickly and feel shivery and tired. But I can’t help feeling silly to cry over a cat. My pain seems so small, compared to those who lose a member of a family.. a father..
Still, thank you all for those lovely words of support. Marge, I am sending you more hugs and hope that you manage to be strong. Time will heal the wounds, but right now, it is hurting so very much. I know.
Sayif, I will remember you for:
o Looking after your brother Sahaba, when he was ill
o Eating constantly
o Sleeping on my legs at night
o Loving to catch the rest of the water in the hose after I watered the garden
o Walking like a panther
o Making a lot of noise when checking on me
o Trying to defend your place from that neighbour’s big black cat
o Coming to great me in the morning after I had a shower, not even letting me dry up properly and then jumping into my arms and resting your head on my shoulder, purring like an engine
o Sleeping on your back with all four paws up
o Bringing back the little stick I threw, just like a dog
o Giving your mum some space. Sometimes.
o Catching every little fly
o Being part of the BM family
o The two years I had you cuddling, purring and spending time with me daily
o Letting me give you the last moments of your life, free of pain. I hope.
~ I miss you ~j. U.
d. E.
