Women and Marriage

[Clyde-B]

Oh Del, I certainly wasn't suggesting that.

I was simply saying ... well, just what I said. If you want your name to be completely free of the taint of patriarchy, you pretty much have to start from scratch and make something up. Or maybe go Cher's route. 


If marriage is about equals forming a joint partnership, then both spouses hyphenating both their names is most appropriate. For example, the (male) minister who performed my mother's funeral has a hyphenated name for that reason. But outside of Unitarian pastors (and other especially feminist/progressive male groups), there aren't that many men who want to do that.

So, failing that, women can just keep their own names. Which is easier anyway, especially if they have a professional identity associated with their name. I wouldn't have wanted to change my name, not even to a hyphenated one, and frankly not even if my husband had done the same.

When I hear of a woman with a hyphenated name, and her husband DOESN'T have one, it strikes me as pretty much the same as changing her name altogether -- a unilateral concession.

 

I understand that when forming a new legal unit, it needs a name under which to do business.   But if you hyphenate names, who gets top billing?  What happens the next generation when two people with already hyphenated names get married and now they have four hyphenated names, and sound more like an ad agency or a law firm?  I don't have any solutions for these problems, but I think they need to be addressed.

[opinionista]

IMO there's no need to hyphenate names. I don't understand why it seems problematic to some of you to use two names, like we do. In Spain and other countries families go by two names. Let take for example Speedy Gonzalez and Slowpoke Rodriguez. If they were gay living in Spain they¡ll be  Familia Gonzalez Rodriguez or Rodriguez Gonzalez. No hyphenate or dash needed.

[Clyde-B]

IMO there's no need to hyphenate names. I don't understand why it seems problematic to some of you to use two names, like we do. In Spain and other countries families go by two names. Let take for example Speedy Gonzalez and Slowpoke Rodriguez. If they were gay living in Spain they¡ll be  Familia Gonzalez Rodriguez or Rodriguez Gonzalez. No hyphenate or dash needed.

I'm glad you brought this up, it sounds like an interesting way of doing thiings.  The question I would have here is Rodriguez and Gonzalez each have two last names themselves.  Which last name do they pick as their contribution to the new family unit?  The mother's?  The father's? Or do they get to pick whichever one they like best?   

[opinionista]

I'm glad you brought this up, it sounds like an interesting way of doing thiings.  The question I would have here is Rodriguez and Gonzalez each have two last names themselves.  Which last name do they pick as their contribution to the new family unit?  The mother's?  The father's? Or do they get to pick whichever one they like best?   

The father's is the one used. When you have a kid, he/she gets to have the dad's first surname and the moms first surname.  First the father's then the mothers. (In a gay relationship I guess they need to decide whose last names goes first).There are people whose father has a very common last name while their mother's is rare, so they'd rather go by their moms. And what they do is they use an initial for their first last name as it were a middle name, and write the second last name. Supposing Speedy Gonzalez full name is Speedy Gonzalez Riojano and he likes Riojano better because is more rare, so he goes by Speedy G. Riojano. I have many friends who do that. I could too. My dad's last name is very very very common while my mom's is very rare, but I use both.

[belbbmfan]

This is an interesting discussion.

I got a letter today addressed to 'the family *husband's last name* *my last name* That's the correct way of doing it over here too. For instance, when I'll be posting my Christmas cards I always address them with 'family' and then both sirnames. It would be considered impolite if you only mentioned the man's last name.  

Women don't take their husband's names over here either. You could do so if you wanted to. It is allowed legally to use your husband's name. But I don't know of any married woman of my generation who did that.

[Clyde-B]

The father's is the one used. When you have a kid, he/she gets to have the dad's first last name and the moms first last name.  First the father's then the mothers. (In a gay relationship I guess they need to decide whose last names goes first).There are people whose father has a very common last name while their mother's is rare, so they'd rather go by their moms. And what they do is they use an initial for their first last name as it were a middle name, and write the second last name. Supposing Speedy Gonzalez full name is Speedy Gonzalez Riojano and he likes Riojano better because is more rare, so he goes by Speedy G. Riojano. I have many friends who do that. I could too. My dad's last name is very very very common while my mom's is very rare, but I use both.

Thank you for the clarification!  I was wondering how that worked ever since you mentioned it.

[Brown Eyes]

I guess the one fundamental aspect of the unfairness here, as del and others have suggested, is that the pressure to deal with the name issue falls on the woman and usually only on the woman.

The fact that men are so unwilling to change their names really speaks to something pretty deeply and ideologically ingrained in many western cultures (and certainly the U.S. predominantly).

[belbbmfan]

I was wondering if the practise of changing your name after marriage has changed at all in light of the divorce rate that is much higher than it used to be. I mean, it isn't very practical when you think of it.

[opinionista]

I was wondering if the practise of changing your name after marriage has changed at all in light of the divorce rate that is much higher than it used to be. I mean, it isn't very practical when you think of it.

I believe Jake Gyllenhaal's mom kept her first husband's last name after divorcing him. After she married Stephen Gyllenhaal she went by Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal. I don't recall if she used a dash between the surnames, though.

[serious crayons]

The thing I hate the most is when even the wife's first name gets left out. As in, "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe" or even just "Mrs. John Doe." Oh, that's horrible.

My stepmom established her career during her first marriage, in the '60s. So when she got divorced, she kept that married name. Then when she married my dad, she kept the name of her first husband. Kind of unusual, but practical. She's all about practicality (a phrase I mentioned yesterday I dislike, but in this case it really applies).