Author Topic: <-- Introduce Yourself -->  (Read 576846 times)

Offline BelAir

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #980 on: February 16, 2008, 09:20:43 pm »
hi optom,

just wanted to say hello, and thank you for sharing your story.

there is much to be said and considered...  my 'story' is similar to yours only in that I, too, sometimes worry about regrets and what I have thrown away.  there is a lot on the forums to explore in terms of how to try to make our lives better (and, subsequently, the lives of those around us).  it sounds like you are new to "what brokeback means to me", having only seen the film recently.  I first saw it almost two years ago, and it is an ongoing journey, figuring out "what brokeback means to me." 

I hope you will stay here at bettermost, and perhaps find some pain relief while you are here...

Bel
"— a thirst for life, for love, and for truth..."

Offline optom3

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #981 on: February 16, 2008, 10:31:10 pm »
hi optom,

just wanted to say hello, and thank you for sharing your story.

there is much to be said and considered...  my 'story' is similar to yours only in that I, too, sometimes worry about regrets and what I have thrown away.  there is a lot on the forums to explore in terms of how to try to make our lives better (and, subsequently, the lives of those around us).  it sounds like you are new to "what brokeback means to me", having only seen the film recently.  I first saw it almost two years ago, and it is an ongoing journey, figuring out "what brokeback means to me." 

I hope you will stay here at bettermost, and perhaps find some pain relief while you are here...

Bel

Hi  yes I am new to this site.but what a lifeline it has proved to be.I could never have imagined such kindness from total strangers.It is also at least in some small way cathartic to voice thoughts that owing to the nature of my story,have untill now remained buried deep.I think that the film disturbed me so badly because 15 years is a long time to harbor those feelings.Also the parallels in the film and indeed book refect so much of my life it is hard to bear at times.I wanted to jump into the screen and shout at Ennis to grab wht he had before it passed him by.Or was I really shouting at myself? who knows.
I know my 1st husband was much braver than me,he made the decision to stop living a lie and has been with his partner for 20 plus years now.Who just happens to be a lovely man too.In the process his mother disowned him and still does to this day,but his father embraced the situation 100%.An irony that as a mother I find strange indeed.
I hope one day to finally come to  a place where I find some solace ,knowing that at least I have truly loved and been loved.I try each day to see what happened in those terms but right at this moment with little success,I almost wish I had not watched the film,but then at some stage we have to confront our demons I guess.As it is I have become like some obsessive,waiting till I am on my own and then watching and rewatching it.If I am not watching the film then I am reading the book or screenplay.Does everyone act like this initially?
It is almost as if I watch it enough times it may end differently.How ridiculous is that.Or is it because I am yearning for a different end to my own experience.One thing for sure it has left an indelible mark on me,just as surely as if I had been branded.It strikes me as one of lifes many travesties that the Oscars chose to pass over the acting of Heath and Jake.I can only assume this stemmed from some misplaced moral judgement.

Offline Meryl

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #982 on: February 16, 2008, 10:51:41 pm »
Optom, thanks so much for sharing your story so openly.  You certainly have had a dramatic reaction to BBM, but you aren't alone in that.  The beauty of the film is that everyone in it is so honest with the characters and story that it's impossible to see it without some sort of emotional catharsis.  For some it's mild, for others, life-changing.  I'm so glad you were led here to BetterMost.  It seems to me that your healing has already begun. 

As you explore the site, be sure to check out Our Daily Thoughts and Safe Haven where people tell their own stories, as well as the Open Forum, where we discuss all sorts of topics having to do with the film.  Also feel free to start your own blog if you'd like.  Again, welcome!  :)
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Offline Sheriff Roland

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #983 on: February 17, 2008, 12:03:47 am »
WOW!

I'm just flattened.

It's been a long time since I've bothered to welcome a new member on this thread, though I often read it. Your story, optom3 is huge. As Meryl said, everyone (Brokies) has been affected strongly by the movie - that's what brought us here, and for some, brought us to view (and analyse every tiny piece of) the movie many times. For me it was about 10 times in the theatres - and I haven't seen any other movie at the theatre in the past 20 months. Musta watched it 100 times by now (and read the short story and additional 20 times).

Here's hoping that you'll find solace in here, as you are among folks who should be able tounderstand what you're talking about.

Welcome home optom3.
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Offline Kelda

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #984 on: February 17, 2008, 08:51:03 am »
wow, thats some story - cant really saya anything more than whats already been said. welcome again.
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Offline BelAir

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #985 on: February 17, 2008, 01:26:53 pm »
Hi  yes I am new to this site.but what a lifeline it has proved to be.I could never have imagined such kindness from total strangers.It is also at least in some small way cathartic to voice thoughts that owing to the nature of my story,have untill now remained buried deep.I think that the film disturbed me so badly because 15 years is a long time to harbor those feelings.Also the parallels in the film and indeed book refect so much of my life it is hard to bear at times.I wanted to jump into the screen and shout at Ennis to grab wht he had before it passed him by.Or was I really shouting at myself? who knows.
I know my 1st husband was much braver than me,he made the decision to stop living a lie and has been with his partner for 20 plus years now.Who just happens to be a lovely man too.In the process his mother disowned him and still does to this day,but his father embraced the situation 100%.An irony that as a mother I find strange indeed.
I hope one day to finally come to  a place where I find some solace ,knowing that at least I have truly loved and been loved.I try each day to see what happened in those terms but right at this moment with little success,I almost wish I had not watched the film,but then at some stage we have to confront our demons I guess.As it is I have become like some obsessive,waiting till I am on my own and then watching and rewatching it.If I am not watching the film then I am reading the book or screenplay.Does everyone act like this initially?
It is almost as if I watch it enough times it may end differently.How ridiculous is that.Or is it because I am yearning for a different end to my own experience.One thing for sure it has left an indelible mark on me,just as surely as if I had been branded.
It strikes me as one of lifes many travesties that the Oscars chose to pass over the acting of Heath and Jake.I can only assume this stemmed from some misplaced moral judgement.

Yes, that is how I reacted initially.  No, it is not ridiculous.
"— a thirst for life, for love, and for truth..."

Offline optom3

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #986 on: February 17, 2008, 06:48:17 pm »
WOW!

I'm just flattened.

It's been a long time since I've bothered to welcome a new member on this thread, though I often read it. Your story, optom3 is huge. As Meryl said, everyone (Brokies) has been affected strongly by the movie - that's what brought us here, and for some, brought us to view (and analyse every tiny piece of) the movie many times. For me it was about 10 times in the theatres - and I haven't seen any other movie at the theatre in the past 20 months. Musta watched it 100 times by now (and read the short story and additional 20 times).

Here's hoping that you'll find solace in here, as you are among folks who should be able tounderstand what you're talking about.

Welcome home optom3.

Hi,
thankyou so much,it seems that's all I seem to say these days!!!! Two things I never mentioned in my original tale, were that since we have been in the states my 14 year old son has been diagnosed bipolar, which his psychiatrist thinks may have been triggered by an incident of sexual abuse at his scout summer camp.He has been unwell  for some time but after the camp his behavior disintegrated beyond all belief.He refused ever to go back to scouts and in my infinite wisdom I thought he had just decided it was uncool!!!
A phone call from the scoutmaster one afternoon revealed the real cause for his complete disintegration.He has still not spoken of it but is undergoing intensive psychotherapy and is on large doses of medication.Less than one month after ,my husband was robbed at gunpoint by a masked man.So as you can imagine my head is in a very bad space at the moment.Watching the film over and over merely opened the floodgates.I questioned why I had not followed my heart ,as had I so done neither my son or husband would have fallen victim to such horrendous incidents.
It is all so complex but I guess tied in with a lot of guilt.Just like Ennis I thought I was doing the right thing and yet just like him my actions and cowardice have ended in tragedy.That is why I weep like a baby every time I watch it.I continue to analyse both the film ,book and my own actions and end up just going round in circles.Not only that but there is the ten ton guilt weight sat on my shoulders as I still miss the man so badly.
I have found real hope from some of the stories here and will stay around for as long as I am welcome.I need to make ammends for so many things,whilst at the same time learning to control my own grief.
One final thought and that is I have had more help and good advice from people here than via several expensive councilling sessions,so bless everyone for that.I try to look forward and hope that one day my life will be full of joy and promise and that in some way I will be able to grow from all I have been through.I pray daily for my son that he too will find some peace without the need for such heavy duty medication.On a positive not my other son and daughter have had nothing but wonderful experiences since being here.With opportunities that would never have come their way back in England.
best wishes
Fiona
« Last Edit: February 17, 2008, 09:33:59 pm by Meryl »

Offline Brown Eyes

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #987 on: February 18, 2008, 01:51:40 pm »
Welcome Fiona!
:)

My, these are just such heartfelt and amazing posts you've been contributing here.  I hope that even the process of just writing some of this down is helpful to you as you sort through some of these issues and feelings.

I wonder, have you considered starting a blog over in the Our Daily Thoughts forum?  It might be right up your alley. 

Hope you're enjoying your time here at BetterMost so far.
 :)




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Offline Artiste

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #988 on: February 19, 2008, 11:41:10 pm »
optom, there is a bipolar charactor in the series Degrassi, did you know?

These are school kids.

Great serie...

keep care and hugs to you and your family!!

Offline optom3

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Re: <-- Introduce Yourself -->
« Reply #989 on: February 20, 2008, 01:21:56 am »
Hi
no I did not know but will  certainly look out for it,

I am getting any help ,from wherever I can these days.So many problems,never enough time.My son is not in a good place at the moment, I am just trying to be positive that the new meds,will alleviate some of his pain.
Thats why I just love this site.I can try to alleviate some of my pain, thus allowing me to then concentrate on my son.
Not to mention trying to protect my other 2 children from some of his near nuclear fallout,
thamks for caring
optom3