Welcome to BetterMost, optom3 
Hey, I probably shouldn't be the one to extend the welcome. The old hands are much better at that. I just happened to be in this thread thinking it was about time I introduced myself, too, since I've only been here a few months. Just thought, since we passed in the street, it might be neighbourly to say welcome.
Hi to all those kind people who have welcomed me. I thought I should introduce myself and give a man woman Brokeback.First I cannot express how much this site has helped me.I first saw the film the day of Heaths death and have watched circa 30 times since.If I take it as the most poignant heartbreaking love story so far committed to film then it is my tale almost ad verbatem.I went into complete shock having watched it,and am still reeling.How could someone have told my story when they know nothing of me,scary and deeply unsttling.
I am a married woman of 45 with 3 kids who has literally and metaphorically fallen to pieces since viewing the film.Actually viewing is such an understement,I lived the film.Every subtle gesture and nuance I have seen with my own eyes.Many years ago my 1st marriage ended when my husband found the courage to live the life he was really intended to.He is a truly wonderful man in fact one of a kind and I bear him no ill will.In fact I have only great affection for him.We lived in England at the time and I think "comming out" is easier there,even so he had a complete breakdown before he finally took the plunge.
Moving on I then remarried and had my 1st son,that marriage too ended due to the violent and abusive nature of the man,caused by his alcoholism.2 years later I married my current husband of many years.He is kind and good and became a wonderful father to my son.There it should have ended,happy ever after and all that implies.
However in a cruel twist of fate not long after marrying him,I met by chance the man who became my Brokeback for 15 years.I ask not to be judged morally as I have donr that myself,far harsher than anyone ese could.I was caught completely offguard when this man walked into my practice,the air stilled,and you cut cut the atmosphere with a knife.
I did nothing, I was married,but from then on he would arrive in the practice ostensibly to see my partner who was always on his day off.Well long story short,the affair started.The reason the film crucified me was we literally had our own Brokeback,an idyllic mountainous region in Egland called the Lakes.I have lived some of the films scenes,even down to him saying to me one late afternoon,we could have this always if you would just leave.He held me just as in the film in silence,with the majesty of the scenery.It was not to be,I was the female Ennis,haunted by not a visual image but my mothers words "no happiness can be found based on others misery"
Also how could I break up my sons life again.So it continued with him crying and even on one occasion me saying I just couldn't bear it any longer.I broke off for 2 years and had my second child.Then he appeared again.Nothing had changed,the only difference between the film reunion scene and mine is that I was in my test room.But as in the film I could not have cared who walked in and then just as in the film we ended in a hotel.As in the book nothing changed but nothing was resolved.So many scenes in the film destroy me as I watvh I find I can hardly breathe.
I suppose a part of me did not want yet another failed marriage to add to the list,and yet logically the first were no fault of mine.I argued my husband did not deserve to lose his children through my selfish actions and yet the way I continued to behave was equally selfish.As in the film we never returned to our Brokeback it would have been to painful,also as in the film all I have is an old shirt albeit a Tshirt and a card.
In desperation when the opportunity came to emigraye to the states.I agreed.I never said goodbye it was beyond painful.The film is so exquisitely acted I honestly feel the actors surely must have experienced torment in real life.Just like Ennis in the alley I was physically sick for most of the plane journey here.I knew that the person who was truly my other half the person who made me whole was now lost,no going back.
I recognise Jacks at one time hopeful expressions and then utter hopelessness,I have witnesed it myself.I know Ennis's inner torment throughout the film,coupled with moments of brief peace.I have experienced every one of them.I see the peace which is always forshadowed by darkness as the knowledge that this peace is transitory and therefore always tinged with the dread of what lies ahead.
In the final scene I completely collapsed as the full horror of the realisation that I too have only a shirt and card tucked away.That and a lifetime of regrets.I have accoplished nothing by my actions.As my kids have survived and indeed blossomed by emigrating,would they not have survived a divorce.I have thrown away what most people spend a lifetime searching for.I now have to live with all I have done and ensure my husband who has no inkling never suffers from my actions.
I realise what I did was wrong,but I live with the guilt daily.Notwithstanding the horrendous pain of the loss.The film opened up wounds which are now so raw I am amazed that I move my way through each day.As in the book it is a good day when I have dreamt of him and likewise sometimes I awake and the pillow is wet.
To call this a film is to reduce it to almost the banal and relegate it to the space occupied by much lesser pieces.It is an experience that is felt with every cell in your body.I watch again and again and can almost feel my neurones screaming in pain.
I hope one day to use the experince to move forward but at this time it is fsr too close to the surface.Fortunately my virtual collapse has been put down to our Visa not renewing in time for a visit back to the UK so leaving us temporarily landlocked.I hope I am not too harshly judged.Was it not said to err is human to forgive divine.
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