My Big Scare Today!!

[IdahoLonely]

Oh jesus I almost got busted bigtime today!! I had a friend over from work who wanted to put Warcraft on my new computer. But he started by going to the website browser and I had Bettermost made as my homepage!! I really forgot about it and when he saw it I almost fainted. He goes \"what is this, isn\'t this about that fag movie\"? Oh jesus I never am a quick thinker so I was just real quiet about it and said I didnt know what it was. He didnt say nothing more about it but I was so scared. When he left I had to call Phil on the phone. I felt like Ennis when Alma cornered him in the kitchen but I couldnt go anywhere because it was my place but I wanted to I think. I just felt real trapped. Has anyone ever had this kind of thing happen?? I had no idea what to say. I am not proud that I am hiding out but then I still dont know what I am anyhow.

I have been reading the link Impish put online on Safe Haven. But it is too early for me to tell who I am. Its hard trying to know your own self you know?

[iristarr]

Hey Idaho -- I know how hard it is to know yourself.  I'm old enough to be your grandma and I'm still trying to figure it out.  Really, I think that is just what life is, one great big long search -- and that's a good thing, maybe the most important thing you can do -- getting to know who you really are, your most true self, what you need and want.  But it's a long road, so be patient with yourself.  You're making giant steps right now and you can be proud of yourself for that. The world will be a better place through your efforts.  If Ennis and Jack had been able to express their own true selves, none of the tragedy would have happened. Take good care of yourself, Iris

[Aussie Chris]

Oh jesus I almost got busted bigtime today!! I had a friend over from work who wanted to put Warcraft on my new computer. But he started by going to the website browser and I had Bettermost made as my homepage!! I really forgot about it and when he saw it I almost fainted. He goes \"what is this, isn\'t this about that fag movie\"? Oh jesus I never am a quick thinker so I was just real quiet about it and said I didnt know what it was. He didnt say nothing more about it but I was so scared. When he left I had to call Phil on the phone. I felt like Ennis when Alma cornered him in the kitchen but I couldnt go anywhere because it was my place but I wanted to I think. I just felt real trapped. Has anyone ever had this kind of thing happen?? I had no idea what to say. I am not proud that I am hiding out but then I still dont know what I am anyhow.

Hey Idaho, don't sweat about the "who you are" stuff.  If you just focus on doing what makes you happy the answer will come to you, when you're ready.  Just don't expect the answer to come to you like a light bulb over your head.

As for your big scare, I know exactly how you feel - I've had a couple of scares like this myself:  Accidentally writing explicit letters to personal ads with return addresses but no return name, terrified that they would be "returned to sender" when I was still living with my parents and terrified of them "finding out".  Another time I had relatives help me move and they opened a packing box containing my pornography.  I guess specifically asking them not to open "that box" was too much of a temptation for them.

This is probably a little too soon in your journey to see this as serendipity (a fortunate mistake), but one day you probably will.  In the meantime it may be wise to think of an answer if it comes up in a conversation in the future.  And if your friend's the type to exclaim "that fag movie", then he may bring it up in front of others as well.  My suggestion: if that happens just brush it off and stay cool.  Remember never argue, justify, or defend.  If you want to say it was a mistake then just repeat that and play dumb - people always like to assume that everyone else is stupid.  When that happens to me I just let them.  It's a little childish, and some times it feels like I'm hiding, but it's also got me out of "trouble" a couple of times too.

Take care and best wishes, Chris.

[IdahoLonely]

As for your big scare, I know exactly how you feel - I've had a couple of scares like this myself:  Accidentally writing explicit letters to personal ads with return addresses but no return name, terrified that they would be "returned to sender" when I was still living with my parents and terrified of them "finding out".  Another time I had relatives help me move and they opened a packing box containing my pornography.  I guess specifically asking them not to open "that box" was too much of a temptation for them.

This is probably a little too soon in your journey to see this as serendipity (a fortunate mistake), but one day you probably will.  In the meantime it may be wise to think of an answer if it comes up in a conversation in the future.  And if your friend's the type to exclaim "that fag movie", then he may bring it up in front of others as well.  My suggestion: if that happens just brush it off and stay cool.  Remember never argue, justify, or defend.  If you want to say it was a mistake then just repeat that and play dumb - people always like to assume that everyone else is stupid.  When that happens to me I just let them.  It's a little childish, and some times it feels like I'm hiding, but it's also got me out of "trouble" a couple of times too.

Take care and best wishes, Chris.

Well at work today nobody said anything about it. It problably never got through. Your also right that I think you are not gonna know what you are right away. I think Im better just readin stuff here and stickin with it. I figure I am here for months and years so where is the hurry. I dont even think I care bout it as much as Im sittin here Saturday nite and am all along and have nothin to do. It sucks when I watch the tv and see people going out and doin stuff and Im here alone. Im tired of wasting time at bars tho.

I need some hobies or to get drunk I dont know which yet.

[JCinNYC2006]

I need some hobies or to get drunk I dont know which yet.

I know you're probably kidding, but hobbies are much more productive over getting drunk.  No one ever mentions it, but Ennis drank a whole lot in the movie, and it's just not the best way to deal with things in the long run.  At least, it's been a struggle for me.

On a lighter note, what kinds of hobbies do you have?  What do you do for fun?

Juan

[brokeback-fan]

IdahoLonely - well, your nickname says it all.  It really sucks being in a place where there is NOTHING to do.  I know.  I lived in this really small town (about 2,000 people) in Florida and believe me, there was nothing to do.  We would go out and shoot cans and bottles, sneak beer from my parents house, stuff like that.  I felt the same way you did.  I would see all of these people on television with actual places to go.  I am not suggesting you do this, but I finally had it living in such a small place.  My sister moved to Washington, DC and said I should move up there and there were plenty of jobs, so I packed up my car and that was it.  I could not believe the wonderful places and people in Washington.  I would go to Dupont Circle and feel so comfortable and free to just be myself which was a revelation and a feeling of like Wow! I was missing out on this great thing.  I am not saying it is all brightness and sunshine, but a helluv alot better than Florida.  I wanted to share with you of what was a turning point in my life to let you know that anything can happen and you can control the path your life takes and sometimes you cannot.  But if you want something bad enough, there is no way of stopping it.  Only you know what is inside yourself. 

As for the big scare, sometimes you get a break, but it makes you better at being on your toes when protecting yourself.  I got tired of doing this though.  That was another reason I moved.  Everyone in my town knew the business of everyone else, so it was nice being in a place where no one knew me and I had a chance to make good friends who knew I was gay and had no problem with it.  It is so sad you have to be fearful of who you might be.  Like Ennis says to Jack, "...if you can't fix it Jack, you gotta stand it ." 

I want to wish you good luck in finding out who you are.  It is harder though as society has changed so much that sometimes I think we are back in the 60's again!  I am glad the BetterMost forum can give you some of this freedom and relief.  Just think, technology can accomplish something that is such a human trait - being with people who support and love you. 

Peace,

Paul

[Karan13]

Hey Idaho,
               You sound so lonely and miserable i wanted to reply , take your time in finding out who you are , and don`t feel you have to explain yourself to anybody. Sometimes even being in the middle of a crowd in a big city , can feel like the lonliest place on earth , as can been surrounded by friends who don`t understand the real you. It is great that Forums like this are here to support people. Although i am not Gay and can`t relate to your struggle directly i have often had hard emotional decisions to make in my life , and have felt that in the past i acted and became the person people `Wanted` me to be.
I didn`t live my own life , i lived how people wanted me to , i have over the years discovered who i am and let people see the real me , some love , some don`t , when the time is right you will know who and where you are , till you get there i send you `A Big Hug` and my thoughts xx
                                                                                     KAZ