Gay Detecting Radar

[Katie77]

I recently sent in a line to "The person below me" thread, asking, if people looked at men now and wondered if they are gay...and the answer refered to gay radar.....

I am straight, but I occassionally look at a guy, and think that he is gay, and most of the time I am right, although i have been wrong on a few occassions too....by the way, it is not a common pastime of mine, but I do do it....

I'm interested now, in this gay "radar", that many people seem to have, and would be interested in hearing from both gay and straight readers here, how their radar works, and what things they zero in on, to assume someone is gay.....or straight, whichever way they work.

I dont mean to offend anyone, just thought it might be a bit humourous, and also, I have told a few gay male friends who are in the closet, that people around them, probably all ready suspect they are gay, so I am interested to hear what others have to say on this.

[YaadPyar]

I seem to instinctively know.  Always did.  The first person I came out to never had told me she was a lesbian.  I just knew.  I later realized my coming out was very premature as I'm not myself gay, but I knew about her and her girlfriend, and everyone else I've met mostly, male and female.  Just a sense.  Don't know why...

But I don't much try to figure it out.  Just happens.  Just some sense.  But I don't get the same sense from folks who are just playing/trying it out.  Not very helpful/intersting, I guess.

[SFEnnisSF]

After having lived in The Castro, where everybody is gay, my radar don't work no more.  There's a certain 'look' that gay men have in SF, that tells them apart from the straight men living in SF.  The straight men who have 'the look' just simply do not live in SF.  I don't know why.  So now that I live outside of SF, I see many men with 'the look', and they're all straight.  Like I said, my radar don't work no more....  LOL. 

[Daniel]

I recently sent in a line to "The person below me" thread, asking, if people looked at men now and wondered if they are gay...and the answer refered to gay radar.....

I am straight, but I occassionally look at a guy, and think that he is gay, and most of the time I am right, although i have been wrong on a few occassions too....by the way, it is not a common pastime of mine, but I do do it....

I'm interested now, in this gay "radar", that many people seem to have, and would be interested in hearing from both gay and straight readers here, how their radar works, and what things they zero in on, to assume someone is gay.....or straight, whichever way they work.

I dont mean to offend anyone, just thought it might be a bit humourous, and also, I have told a few gay male friends who are in the closet, that people around them, probably all ready suspect they are gay, so I am interested to hear what others have to say on this.

I am also kind of interested in this phenomenon from an anthropological perspective...

Did you know that in Ireland there is a similar phenomenon where people can tell if a person is catholic or protestant...

[vkm91941]

I've always thought it was just a matter of being observant but as time goes on I do think there is an element of intuition involved as well.  Like Celeste, I have always been able to tell, even as a child.  At the age of 6, I innocently outted my 25 year old cousin blurting out to all an sundry at a large family gathering to: " leave Paul alone he doesn't like girls" when my Aunts were badgering him about when was he going to get married.

My gay friends tell me my gaydar is better than theirs.  WHY?  Who knows. 

[starboardlight]

I'm with Celeste. My gaydar is all instinct. I can't always tell what it is I'm picking up on. Sometimes it's the eye contact that's held a little too long. Sometimes it's just the energy that people give off. It's hard to explain.

[Giancarlo]

My gaydar is certainly instinctive. I know a gay guy here when I see one... though I usually am more familiar with flamey and outgoing type of gay guys, being one myself. The "straight acting" ones are hard to recognize.

[Katie77]

Interesting reading about your gay-radar (gaydar....like that).....anyway....from a straight females point of view, here are the things i look for or notice....

Usualy the guy is nice looking, and if he hasnt got a female hanging off him, i think, he is either shy or he is gay.

Usually, they dress very nice, and look after themselves...body, hair, skin, clothes.

Usually, they are great in conversation with women.

Always, they are polite and respectful to women.

Sometimes, they talk about romantic songs, or something men are embarrassed to talk about.They usually are pretty open with their emotions.

Usually, they have a pretty good job.

Usually, they live at home, or rent with a "mate".

Usually they love their mum, and arent embarrassed to admit that.

Usually, they like going to the movies.

Usually they dont join in much with "boy talk" with straight men.

Usually they love animals, and are very caring.

..............and last of all......Always, if they walk down the street holding hands with another bloke....i KNOW they are gay........

How have I done with describing the gay guys here.....am I close......

[Lynne]

This is a really interesting question.  As Giancarlo says, it's easy enough for me to recognize flamboyant personalities who actually want others to know.  But for people who are more subtle, I have a really difficult time.  I think my gaydar may be slightly better with women than men, but in general, I'm wrong as often as I'm right, so I may as well flip a coin or just ask if I feel a compelling need to know.

On the subject of 'just asking', btw...I had a very cool experience last night.  I was out with some friends after work and the crowd had dwindled to two of us.  I've known B. socially for 5+ years and usually see him 2-3 times per week.  As is par for my course, I went onto my BBM/BetterMost forum tangent, my fave topic of conversation and mentioned this thread.  I realized that after all this time, I really didn't 'know' B.'s orientation because it had never come up.  If forced to guess, I would have said 'gay', really just because of the lack of our ever talking about relationships.  We most frequently talk about our parents because he is also taking care of a parent.  So I asked directly.  (Disclaimer:  I prefaced it with saying that if he felt it was none of my business, feel free to tell me so, I would not be offended - no harm/no foul, etc...)

B. told me he is bi and was absolutely overjoyed that I had asked!  He was so happy about it, I know he hugged me 10 times before it was done.  Then he proceeded to share with me about a really good friend of his and his crush !  So there's just one more example in my world of BBM helping to facilitate communication and build better, more honest relationships.

-Lynne

[starboardlight]

boy! lynn, the amount of relief he must have felt to be able to open up. and believe me it creates a deep level of intimacy to share that part of you. you can clearly tell by the hugs and the flow of conversation afterward that he finally felt like the two of you just overcame a barrier together. yet, just asking works. of course, it doesn't work with strangers.

and yes, like Giancarlo, detecting flamboyant guys is easy, but having grown up in the suburbs, I seem to have a knack for detecting closeted married men at Target, the gym, or the supermarkets. With these guys though, it's gotta be rough. They keep themselves so shut off but their eyes will wander at the wrong time, and I seem to catch them at those times.