Gay Detecting Radar

[BB Stacker]

I would feel like i was offending a gay person if i said he was "queer"....I dont know where the word gay came from, but at least its a pleasant happy word....and i refer to both men and women as "gay"..

I agree that ones sexuality is private, and I would never ask anyone if he/she was gay, unless i was sure it wouldnt offend them, it would have to be at the right time in the right place....but from what I would guess, if someone was gay, and I asked them if they were, the question would come after some previous conversation, and that person would realize that I was only being inquisitive, and not negative towards them.

As it has shown here in the threads and posts, gay men and women are very comfortable talking about their sexuality, having a sense of humour about it, and arent secretative about it, and I'm sure if they thought they would get the same responses to someone in conversation, they would only be too pleased to have been asked about it.

It is probably a bit difficult to just come out and say "i am gay, what do you think about that?"....maybe if more people asked, and then continued on asking a few more questions, the mystery of gaynesss to us straight people might not be there....when anything is secretative, or hidden away, it is always going to attract irresponsible rumours, and inuendos, and people's ill informed views on the subject.....knowing for sure, just how it is, might make people realize that gay people are no different to straight people......and if its ok for a straight guy to talk about his/her partner with affection, then it should be no different for a gay guy/girl to talk about their partner or their life.

Take away the silence and the secrets and I'm sure gayness will become matter of fact, not some deep dark secret mysterious way of life.

Applause. You took the words right outta my mouth.

[ednbarby]

Katie -

I know too many straight men who fit in the categories you describe to think those cues mean 'gay'.  And too many gay men who don't.  And lesbians who don't fit into any of that.

And I'm wondering also here - I have always hated the word lesbian.  I think it sounds so ugly.  There's not a different term for being straight depending on gender.  Am wondering if it makes sense to just use the word gay for men & women.  Although I so like the term queer myself, but don't know why...

And, as Nipith said, it's always tricky when your own gay-dar tells you something about a person who can't acknowledge themselves who they are....

I agree, Celeste - I know several straight guys who don't fit neatly into the straight stereotype and several gay guys who don't fit neatly into the gay one.  I guess I don't look at guys and wonder either way - I just look at guys.  I figure I'm not in the running any which way because a) I'm married, b) I'm 41 and most of the ones I'm looking at lately... aren't, c) I have a young child, d) I'm not necessarily anything they'd find attractive even if none of the above applied.

I know this isn't exactly the subject of this thread, and apologies for steering it away from that slightly for a minute, but I don't get straight women who are actually put off when they find out an attractive coworker or acquaintance is gay.  I feel like saying, "Why is it a problem?  Did you think you had a shot?"  I think a lot of women, and not just homophobic ones, sort of inject themselves into cute guy's sex lives.  Maybe that's just natural and I'm the one who's out there, but I just like to look at them in a purely aesthetic way.  Yes, making out with them would be nice, but the fact that they're gay doesn't take away from my enjoyment of their beauty like it seems to in a way for a lot of women.

So if I have gaydar, I don't use it, I guess, because it just doesn't matter to me one way or the other.

And I agree with you again, Celeste - I don't like the word lesbian either.  But then I don't like the words "actress" and "songstress" and the like, either.  Like Maya Angelou said, if you're gonna be the thing, be the thing, regardless of gender.  If you act, you're an actor.  If you write songs, you're a songwriter.  If you're gay, you're gay.  Period.  And then there's just the sound of the word - like it's some sort of alien-like condition - that gets under my skin, too.

[Katie77]

I know this isn't exactly the subject of this thread, and apologies for steering it away from that slightly for a minute, but I don't get straight women who are actually put off when they find out an attractive coworker or acquaintance is gay.  I feel like saying, "Why is it a problem?  Did you think you had a shot?"  I think a lot of women, and not just homophobic ones, sort of inject themselves into cute guy's sex lives.  Maybe that's just natural and I'm the one who's out there, but I just like to look at them in a purely aesthetic way.  Yes, making out with them would be nice, but the fact that they're gay doesn't take away from my enjoyment of their beauty like it seems to in a way for a lot of women.

There is something about your thread, that rubs me the wrong way, and I had to check to see if you are male or female, to see which way, and why,  it is rubbing me that way....First I thought it was a male response, someone who was just "anti-female" or something, then on looking again , I see you and me are the same gender and  both married, so was wondering about your "slur" on straight women, and their reaction to gay attractive co-workers and friends....

Unless someone is a simple minded homophobic, I am sure, straight women, arent "put off" by it, or think there is a "problem" with it,or event think they "have a shot".... that is my reaction anyway,  ....If they like that person, they are merely interested in their life, no hidden agendas....

I find people of all persuations interesting, and I have always felt comfortable talking to gay people, and because I am comfortable, it makes that person comfortable too...some women feel safer taking to gay guys, maybe gay guys feel safer talking to women...I think (no, I know), that women accept gay guys quite readily, withought feeling any adversity to it.

Just going back to what I originally said, that your post "rubbed me the wrong way",I think you are underestimating the openess and trust that gay guys seem to give to straight women,and the role that a lot straight women play in their lives,  and you are selling us short, by insinuating that we have hidden agendas.

[Lynne]

I know this isn't exactly the subject of this thread, and apologies for steering it away from that slightly for a minute, but I don't get straight women who are actually put off when they find out an attractive coworker or acquaintance is gay.  I feel like saying, "Why is it a problem?  Did you think you had a shot?"
...
Like Maya Angelou said, if you're gonna be the thing, be the thing, regardless of gender.

Katie,

I think that we may just have a problem of interpretation here.  The females that Barb is speaking of (in my own interpretation) are the ones who, upon finding out an attractive man is gay, react with 'Oh, that's too bad.'  The subtext, of course being that either 'All the good men are taken/gay' implying that otherwise 'they would have had a shot.'  Again, that is only my own reading.  I don't think it's necessarily homophobia as much as it is sexually objectifying males as potential partners without regard to getting to know them as people first, a subject in which most women are well-versed. 

Barb - if I've completely misconstrued your intent, please let us all know.

All the best,
Lynne

BTW...I'm a big fan of Maya Angelou

[Katie77]

Lynne, I can see what you are saying, and your interpretation may be right...and oh yes, I have met women too, who think and say what you have said..."oh thats too bad".....and I have heard of women too, who maybe think they have enough sex appeal that they can "change" a gay guy.......sheer ignorance.....

Never for one minute do I claim that all women are understanding, tactful, little darlings, there are some bloody witches out there.....I guess I was sticking up for the straight women, like me, and the others on this board.

[starboardlight]

I remember a scene in Victor Victoria, in which Robert Preston plays an openly gay man (quite progressive for 1982). A young woman flirting with him suddenly figures out, says, "Oh what a waste!" His response was "I assure you, nothing is wasted." I loved that response.

[ednbarby]

Katie,

I think that we may just have a problem of interpretation here.  The females that Barb is speaking of (in my own interpretation) are the ones who, upon finding out an attractive man is gay, react with 'Oh, that's too bad.'  The subtext, of course being that either 'All the good men are taken/gay' implying that otherwise 'they would have had a shot.'  Again, that is only my own reading.  I don't think it's necessarily homophobia as much as it is sexually objectifying males as potential partners without regard to getting to know them as people first, a subject in which most women are well-versed. 

Barb - if I've completely misconstrued your intent, please let us all know.

All the best,
Lynne

BTW...I'm a big fan of Maya Angelou

Thank you, Lynne.  That is exactly what I meant.  We are indeed soul sisters.  Sexually objectifying males as potential partners - that's precisely it.  And really, I guess, why not?  That's what straight men do to us, isn't it?  I've just never done it myself, as I think the rest of us here probably have not.  In my case, not because I think I'm better than those other straight women, but honestly, because I think I'm a little weird.  Or perhaps I should give myself some credit and say "unusual"?

Sorry if what I said offended you, Katie.  I understand how that happens - I've been rubbed the wrong way by things I've read here and elsewhere, too, only to find that the person didn't mean it the way it sounded.  Many apologies - I should have been more clear.

[silkncense]

Sexually objectifying males as potential partners - that's precisely it.  And really, I guess, why not?  That's what straight men do to us, isn't it?  I've just never done it myself, as I think the rest of us here probably have not.

Uhhh, another disagreement Barb!  I definitely sexually objectify Jake Gyllenhaal & will continue to do so.   

Nipith - 

"Oh what a waste!" His response was "I assure you, nothing is wasted." I loved that response.

Absolutely.  A great response.

[Lynne]

...and I have heard of women too, who maybe think they have enough sex appeal that they can "change" a gay guy.......sheer ignorance.....
...I guess I was sticking up for the straight women, like me, and the others on this board.

LOL Katie @ the 'sheer ignorance'.  I know if I haven't managed to teach a man to put a toilet seat down or rinse toothpaste globs and razor stubble out of the sink, for instance, then changing his sexual orientation is so far outside the realm of possibility to be absurd.  And good for you on the 'sticking up'.  There are few enough progressive thinkers in my own real world that it's a *must-do* at every opportunity.

I remember a scene in Victor Victoria, in which Robert Preston plays an openly gay man (quite progressive for 1982). A young woman flirting with him suddenly figures out, says, "Oh what a waste!" His response was "I assure you, nothing is wasted." I loved that response.

Love it!!! Now I've got to put another movie in my queue!!!  Thanks, Nipith!!

Uhhh, another disagreement Barb!  I definitely sexually objectify Jake Gyllenhaal & will continue to do so.  

Now, see that's ENTIRELY different - I rationalize that as complete fantasy, myself  .  But I daresay that if Jake were an awful actor or dumb as a rock or came across as a total jerk, we wouldn't be nearly as obsessed with him sexually.

[ednbarby]

Now, see that's ENTIRELY different - I rationalize that as complete fantasy, myself  .  But I daresay that if Jake were an awful actor or dumb as a rock or came across as a total jerk, we wouldn't be nearly as obsessed with him sexually.

BINGO!  There are plenty of (almost) equally physically attractive actors out there who meet one or more of those other criteria and as such don't do a thing for me.  He does everything for me because he's the entire package, the real deal, the whole nine yards...  He's just got it goin' ON.  All of it.  All the time.  Did it just get hot in here, or is that just him?