Have you heard a good one lately?

[Katie77]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, The pilot said
The plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly.
"Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he
Had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.
However, even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load
And went down.
A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

"Any idea where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."?

 

[Katie77]

Thomas the Tank Engine


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! and all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks".
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
"All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank
you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage
under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added.....................

 

 

 

 

"For those of you who are pi**ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat b**ch in the kitchen."
 
 

 

[Scott6373]

Blue Humor...Be warned

Three whores died and went to heaven.  They were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who told them, that because of their less than angelic lives on earth, they would have to answer a question before he could let them into heaven.

He turned to the first and asked, "Who was the first Man?"

The whore replied, "That's too easy, it was Adam,"  and with that answer, bells rang and the gates opened.

He turned to the next and asked, "Who was the first woman?"

Astounded at how easy this was, the whore said, "It was Eve."  Again the bells sounded and the gates opened.

For the last one, he instructed the whore to take time in answering, and he asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The whore was quite perplexed, and ponderred the question for a great while before saying, "Jesus Christ that's a hard one."

Bells, and the gates opened.

[Katie77]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

 

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

 

The young man smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

 

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor bloke broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

 

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,"Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

 

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

 

Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

 

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

 

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?  Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid.  Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

 

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

 
   
 

[Katie77]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
> seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
> As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
> told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
> landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
> just put your trays up, that would be super."
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
> Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
> "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked
> You to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the
> ground."
> She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
> Princess and I take orders from no one."
> To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
> beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I
> outrank you. TRAY-UP BITCH!!"
>

[Katie77]

True Aussie Humour!!

 

"Hello, is this the police?"

 

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

 

"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

 

"Thank you very much for the call."

 

Early next morning, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers. They search the house and then go out to the shed where the

firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.

 

The phone rings at Wazza's house.

 

"Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"

 

"Yeah!"

 

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

 

"Yep."

 

"Happy Birthday maaaaaaate!"

 

[Katie77]

Where do pets come from?


A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, " I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.


After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.


And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.


And God was pleased.

And Dog was happy.


And Cat didn't give a s**t one way or the other.
 

 
 

[dot-matrix]

Gotta Love Senior Citizens.

The following is why older people crack me up. They can get away with pretty much anything- from being rude to driving slow on Sunday mornings. I swear- I can’t tell you how many times I have wanted to put answers like his on job applications. Wonder what would happen if I did?

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen
submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.  They hired him because he was so funny…..

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice resident. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be “Do you have a car that runs?”
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be
a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde
supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE….7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

[injest]

A man was out hunting and shot a young bear. He felt a tap on his shoulder and it was a big ol brown bear. ..."Now you got a choice....I can maul you or have sex" He thought he'd best bend over....

well it took a couple of weeks but he finally got up his courage to go out and find that brown bear and he killed it!

felt a tap on his shoulder....he turned around and there was a huge grizzly. He got the same options and made the same choice.

he stayed home for a month or two before his anger sent him back into the woods...he found the grizzly and killed it....

felt a tap on his shoulder. It was a polar bear....the polar bear shook his head and said "admit it man...you aren't coming out here for the hunting!!"

[injest]

A cowboy went into a bar. To his surprise he saw a horse in the back of the bar with a bucket full of money sitting in front of him. The cowboy asked the bartender "what is up with the horse"

The bartender told him it was a bet. Anyone that could make the horse laugh could have the money.

The cowboy went back...whispered in the horses ear and the horse fell over laughing....the cowboy picked up the bucket and left.

a year later he came back and the horse was there again....with an even BIGGER bucket of money. He took out his money and started toward the horse when the bartender stopped him...."we changed it up some there! NOW you have to make the horse cry!"

so the cowboy went back there and in no time the horse was sobbing as if his heart was broken. The cowboy picked up the bucket and started out the door.

"Wait!" said the bartender "I have to know....how did you make that horse laugh last year??"

The cowboy said "Simple...I told him I had a bigger c*** than him"

"well how did you make him cry?"

"I showed him!"