Have you heard a good one lately?

[Katie77]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into K-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenaties at them all the way throught te entrance....

The K-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to K-Mart....Nice children you've got there.....are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell ni they aint, the eldest one , he's 9, and the younger one, she's 7....Why the hell would you think they were twins?......Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter....."I just couldn't believe you got laid twice"..........






(from the sound of her, she probably decked him)

[Katie77]

Come on...where are all those funny jokes you get by email......share them with us.....

Here's one......

An Indian walks into a Tim Horton's with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.....he says..."Me want coffee".

The worker says, "Sure chief, coming right up".

He gets the Indian a cup of coffee and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp.  He picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with a shotgun, then just walks out........

The next morning the Indian returns..He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other....He walks up to the counter and says ..."Me want coffee"....

The waiter says, "Whoa there Chief!...We're still cleaning up your mess from  the last time you were here.....What the heck was all that about anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says....."Me training for job as a government employee....Come in, drink coffee, shoot shit, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for the rest of the day"



(my apologies to government employees and Indians

[Arad-3]

Lets see  if I can remember this one correctly. My cousin from Ireland told this one on one of his visits.

Molly Maloney and Brigette O'Rilley were pulling up parsnips in the garden behind Molly's house. When suddenly old Molly gasps and holds up a parsnip for Bridgette to see...

Molly:  this one reminds me of me late dear old husband Paddy!
Bridgette: ha ha Molly what is it? The size of it?
Molly:  Shakes her head.. No it's not the size of it!
Bridgette: Well then is it the length of it?
Molly:Nay..its not the length of it, not like my Paddy at all!
Bridgette: Well , Molly what is it..the shape of it?
Molly: No it's not the shape of it!
Bridgette: Well sheeet Molly!!  I give up..what is about that that reminds you of your dear old Paddy?
Molly: It's the DIRT of it!! 
  [

[Toast]

I had to do it he was grilling zucchini

[twistedude]

....................New Yorker

[twistedude]

New Yoriker:

[Katie77]

 

Subject: The Irishman, Englishman and the Scot

 

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

"Well!" said the Englishman, "Has this actually happened to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."

 

 

[Katie77]

Cough Syrup
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily
against  a wall.
He asks the blonde clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the  wall?"
The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave
him
an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a  laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's
afraid  to cough."

[Katie77]

Subject: Meanwhile in heaven ....


A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
 
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
 
"Well, I can think of one thing," the  man offered. "Once on a trip  to 
the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of 
high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. 
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. 
So I approached the largest and  most heavily tattooed biker and 
smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his 
nose ring and threw it on the ground."   
 
I yelled  "Now back off that woman or you'll answer to me!"
 
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
 
"Just a couple of minutes ago..."

[Katie77]

Do you see sheep??

Makes you wonder what Ennis and Jack were looking at from up on the mountain......