Need some suggestions

[delalluvia]

As many of you know, I am currently living with my mother.  She is rapidly becoming very invalid and needs help at home.

I just got a job and will no longer be at home for at least 10 hours out of the day.

A problem she has is becoming more acute and is posing a serious issue.

She has a lot of trouble holding things.  She constantly drops things and cannot pick them up.

Milk is a big part of her diet.  She goes through milk like you wouldn't believe.  At every meal, with every snack.

She likes to buy in gallon containers because it's cheaper.  However, she can't lift them to pour herself a cup.  I normally do this for her.  However, in light of my upcoming absence, we've been trying to figure out alternate ways for her to serve herself her milk.

I found a plastic container that holds about a little less than a quart.  She has successfully been using this.  Until this morning.  She dropped it and spilled the entire thing. 

This was of course, my fault for over-filling it.     She has developed a habit of blaming me for all her problems which is, needless to say, becoming extremely upsetting to me.  Can you understand if I say I can't wait to go back to work and resume my life as much as I can so as to get away from this environment?

Anyway, I'm at a loss as to how to resolve this problem.  I will be gone 10 hours out of the day - at least for now.  When I'm more settled in my position and in a routine, I can start coming home for lunch to check on her.

She drinks milk often throughout the day.  Short of leaving the refrigerator full of individual cups of milk - which is not possible as there is no room for them - I don't know what can be done.

I thought about those little cartons of milk, like children use in school, but that requires manual strength and dexterity that I fear is already beyond her.  I thought about those gallon jugs with spouts, but those won't work because she needs to hold onto her walker and cannot free both hands to both work the spout and hold a cup under it.

She doesn't like powdered milk.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

[louisev]

CVS is having a special on lidded sip cups which you could try, but something that might prove more feasible is a dispenser  What you might wish to try is to get a small portable cooling drink dispenser.

Here is an electric one.

http://www.carminifridge.com/productsimages/minidesktopwaterdispenser_102042.jpg

A really cheap way to do this is to buy a two-gallon flip-dispenser for bottled water, get some insulation for it so the milk will stay cool over 8 hours, and she can just put the cup up to it and press the lever. 

But the problem of spilling cups and dropping liquids has been long solved - there are lots of possibilities.

[Sason]

It's difficult for me to come up with good ideas, since I don't know what products are available in the US. Is her walker with weels? Does it have a basket attached to transport things?

In that case the little cartons of milk sound like a good idea. You can open them before leaving home, and she can take one at the time and put in the basket and walk over to the table. (I presume it's there she drinks the milk). One idea is to place a big jug in the basket, she can put the carton in it, and should the carton slant, the milk will run out in the jug and she will still be able to pour it.

Another idea is a thermos, standing on the table. Maybe more than one, enough for her daily quantum, since they can't be too big. They should be with a big handle, placed on the upper part of the thermos. And easily opened, with a minimum of streangth. There's also the advantage that they often only open a little, just enough to pour, and should she drop it, all the milk won't immediately run out.

A whole different question is why she drops things? Do her thumbs ache when she handles things? In that case a splint might help. She needs an OT for that.

[serious crayons]

You can get milk in 12-ounce bottles with screw caps. Their curved shape makes them easier to hold:

http://www.enjoydeans.com/1/products/grip_n_go.php



I don't know if that brand is available in your area, but I would think you could find some local brand packaged that way.

If not, or if you don't want to pay the premium for individual servings, I would buy a supply of sports water bottles -- the kind with the top that pops up and down -- fill them with milk from a gallon jug and leave them for her to drink throughout the day. If she drops one, it won't spill, or at least not more than a few drops. They will take up room in the fridge, but you could stack them or put them on their sides if necessary.

This was of course, my fault for over-filling it.     She has developed a habit of blaming me for all her problems which is, needless to say, becoming extremely upsetting to me.  Can you understand if I say I can't wait to go back to work and resume my life as much as I can so as to get away from this environment?

I can see why that would be very upsetting, especially since you are working so hard to help make her comfortable. If it helps, maybe you could remind yourself that she probably secretly blames herself, feels frustrated and embarrassed about her deteriorating abilities, and is taking it out on you. It's not fair, but she probably doesn't really mean it and in any case you shouldn't take it personally. The frustrating thing about caring for someone who is ill is that they often are very hard on the people who are making the most effort on their behalf.

[delalluvia]

Thanks for the suggestions guys.  I'll see if my grocery stores carry that brand or something similar.  A screw top would be great.  I'd only have to buy a couple and keep them washed and filled with milk.

The big insulated tank sounded great, but my mother has a tiny kitchen, no counter space and a table that only seats one.

I can see why that would be very upsetting, especially since you are working so hard to help make her comfortable. If it helps, maybe you could remind yourself that she probably secretly blames herself, feels frustrated and embarrassed about her deteriorating abilities, and is taking it out on you. It's not fair, but she probably doesn't really mean it and in any case you shouldn't take it personally. The frustrating thing about caring for someone who is ill is that they often are very hard on the people who are making the most effort on their behalf.

Thanks crayons.

BIG sigh.  I understand perfectly what she is doing and why, but it doesn't make it any easier.  It would be easier to accept if she was senile and didn't know what she is doing, but she does.  Basically, I'm tolerating behavior I wouldn't accept from anyone else.  She had a complete meltdown the other day because I picked up the phone and told the daily nurse to come on over. 

Two hours earlier while eating my mother had told me to tell the nurse not to come 'now because I'm busy'.  Well, I thought 2 hours was plenty of time for my mom to finish eating.

Well, that's not what my mother meant.  I'm also expected to read her mind and know what she means without her telling me.

Despite the fact she wasn't making the All Important Phone Calls, she started ranting that she was BUSY and needed to make Phone Calls and why did I tell the nurse to come?!?!?

Please bear in mind that when the nurse visits, her visits last 15 minutes, tops.  But for my mother, it disturbs her entire day and she feels she can't do anything.

I've tried and tried to make her understand that she CAN multi-task, that she can walk and chew gum at the same time, but it falls on really deaf ears.

Anyway, she stomped around in her walker, cursing and ranting and throwing things.  The nurse came and I explained the situation and she meekly gave my mother her shot and left.  And as my mother was winding up for a full-bore, rant at me, I cut her off and said,

"Mom, I start work next week so you can pick up your own calls and this won't happen again."

Well that shut her up and I haven't heard another thing about it.  But needless to say it was upsetting.  The meltdowns occur on average twice a week.

[Penthesilea]

How about those really big thermoses, whith a big button to push?




Almost the whole top part is a big, round button. You can push it with the heel of the hand. They hold 2 liters. If you put two of them on the kitchen table each morning, that should be more than enough. I don't know how much it is in gallons, but no person can drink more than four liters of milk a day.
She could sit down at the table and have both hands free to pour it (push the button and hold the cup beneath the snout).

There are also cups with handles on both side, so she could safely hold it while drinking.

[delalluvia]

Another awesome idea, Penthesilea, thanks.

[serious crayons]

Sounds like you could use some respite, Del. Does your sister help?

[Kelda]

Or Home Helps? To get her snacks etc? Obviously I'm thinking from a UK NHS perspective?

Are their neighbous who may pop in to check on her?

[Penthesilea]

BIG sigh.  I understand perfectly what she is doing and why, but it doesn't make it any easier.  It would be easier to accept if she was senile and didn't know what she is doing, but she does.  Basically, I'm tolerating behavior I wouldn't accept from anyone else.  She had a complete meltdown the other day because I picked up the phone and told the daily nurse to come on over. 
...

Anyway, she stomped around in her walker, cursing and ranting and throwing things. 

...
  The meltdowns occur on average twice a week.

Della, I think you might need more than a solution for the milk problem.

(((Della)))

[delalluvia]

Sounds like you could use some respite, Del. Does your sister help?

No.  As soon as I moved in, she bailed on helping.  But it makes sense - why should she drive all the way across town to run errands for my mother - she doesn't live nearby - when I'm living there?

Or Home Helps? To get her snacks etc? Obviously I'm thinking from a UK NHS perspective?

Are their neighbous who may pop in to check on her?

My mother has a nurse that comes every day, but she's not there to do domestic chores.  A home helper was coming twice a week, to sweep, mop, change the bed sheets, help her with her baths, wash dishes, etc., but for some unknown reason they cut her back to once a week, and my mother doesn't like the girl anyway.

She says she never does anything right and if the poor girl can't remember exactly the way my mother wants things, she gets upset with her and wants to report her for bad service. 

At one point during her rambling complaints I said, "Mom, is it really that big a deal to move the towel on your bed over two inches?  Really?"

She just looked at me and didn't say anything else. 

Neighbors do come by, but not very often.  It's a big deal for my mother to have to get up and open the door and stressful for her.  My mother does not dress nor bathe every day.  It's been "too cold" for her.  So she spends the day in her gown and sometimes bathrobe.  She finds it extremely embarrassing for someone to 'drop by' when she's unprepared and not dressed.

Della, I think you might need more than a solution for the milk problem.

(((Della)))

Alas, the long-term solution is coming and it will not be pleasant.    Thanks though.

[serious crayons]

Alas, the long-term solution is coming and it will not be pleasant.    Thanks though.

Well, if it's any comfort, when that time comes you will be glad you did what you're doing now.

[Front-Ranger]

What I think your mom wants to say is "Help me, pay attention to me! I feel abandoned! I'm getting old and it's scary! I need somebody to walk with me and hold my hand!" but of course she can't actually say that. My mother, although she doesn't live with me, is nearby and needs a lot of help. Actually she is capable of doing more than she thinks, but she is so fearful and has so little self confidence and worries so much that it is paralyzing. The latest very upsetting thing that happened was that she wanted to have her dog, which is doing just fine, put to sleep because she doesn't feel capable of taking care of it. I told her that she WOULD keep Coco and take care of it, and I wouldn't hear such ridiculous talk again!! Everything has been fine since then. I predict your mom won't have any trouble with the milk when the time comes.

Enjoy your new job, Della!!