Town Of Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage CeremonyMarch 12, 2011FORMER DAVENPORT, IA—Immediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city of Davenport, IA and all 99,685 of its residents were reportedly smitten into oblivion by the merciless wrath of God and flung into the deepest bowels of eternal hell.
According to state authorities, the nightmarish incident occurred approximately five seconds after a local pastor pronounced homosexual men Brian Palmer, 39, and Greg DeHaan, 43, married in the eyes of God . . . . Davenport's inhabitants were swallowed by a widening chasm, where they found themselves eviscerated on the fiery spears of 10 million shrieking demons. "They tried to warn us and we didn't listen—Lord, why did we not listen?" said Rev. Kenneth Hanson, the clergyman who performed the unholy marriage, moments before being dragged into a bottomless pit, flayed alive, and devoured by Satan, the Great Deceiver. "All I wanted to do was provide basic civil rights and legal recognition to Brian and Greg, two people who love each other and have been together for 15 years. But I was wrong. Oh, so wrong!"
"Children of God throughout the nation!" Hanson cried out as he plummeted into the infernal void. "Do not make the same mistake we here in Iowa have made! Save yourselves before it is too late!"
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Following the immolation of Davenport, LGBT communities across the country immediately issued statements acknowledging their culpability for the catastrophe, admitting that homosexuality was a sinful lifestyle deserving of wrathful punishment. In surveys, 100 percent of homosexuals polled said that, given the clear evidence of God's Will shown by the tragic events, the best course of action would be to abandon the notion of gay rights altogether and beg the Lord's forgiveness.
"I thought antigay activism was cruel and bigoted before, but now I can see that, yes, my sexual orientation is truly an abomination in the Eyes of God," said lesbian activist and organizer Professor Julia Cafritz of Houston, responding to early reports of God's actions in the Midwest. "My very existence is an affront to all that is good and true in this country. I'm sorry, America. I'm so, so terribly sorry."
At press time, officials said the overall strength of the traditional American family had increased by 47 percent following the eternal damnation of Davenport, while pure, hardworking Christians everywhere would continue to be assured a place in heaven.
full story, including picture, at
http://www.theonion.com/articles/town-of-davenport-iowa-descends-into-hell-followin,19446/
