Author Topic: The Latest From The Onion  (Read 14920 times)

Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest From The Onion: The Truther Memorial
« Reply #20 on: October 27, 2011, 09:29:20 am »
Construction Complete On 9/11 Truther Memorial


UNDISCLOSED—On a remote patch of Kansas prairie believed to fall outside the range of U.N. spy satellites, construction is finally complete on the long- awaited 9/11 Truther Memorial, sources confirmed Wednesday.

Funded by donations from dozens of websites and fringe publishers, and dedicated to "the fearless amateur research and bold guesswork" of those seeking to "expose the secret machinations of the world's true puppet masters," the 7,000-square-foot monument has already attracted hundreds of visitors.

"It was a long time coming, but at last it's here," said Don Gustaf, a blogger who drove from Cincinnati to see the site. "This will stand forever in tribute to those who lost their lives the day clandestine CIA operatives used advanced wireless technology to electronically hijack a pair of 767s and remotely fly them into the World Trade Center."

Created by a design team who chose to remain anonymous for fear of reprisals from the Bilderberg Group, the memorial has as its centerpiece the "Truth Towers," a 60-foot-tall replica of the World Trade Center that houses a museum devoted to unanswered questions surrounding the attacks. Below it lies a pentagonal reflecting pool from which emerge 18 steps leading to the base of the monument, with each stair intended to symbolize one of the 18 Great Lies of the 9/11 conspiracy.



"This is a place where Americans can come to reflect on the most elaborate hoax in our nation's history," said Carol Bowerman, 53, wiping away tears as she walked passed a 15-foot granite cylinder representing the cruise missile used to fake a plane crash at the Pentagon. "On this hallowed ground, those of us who refuse to accept the official version of events can mourn the day the United States was taken over by a crypto-fascist cabal more powerful than anyone can imagine."

"It's so moving," Bowerman added.

The museum is free and open to the public, though $10 is charged for admittance to the theater screening an endless 12-second loop of the building at World Trade Center 7 collapsing, an event a modulated voice-over describes as an obvious controlled demolition.

Go to http://www.theonion.com/articles/construction-complete-on-911-truther-memorial,18034/ for The Full Story.

Offline CellarDweller

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #21 on: October 27, 2011, 10:12:18 am »
God, I love the Onion!   :laugh:


Tell him when l come up to him and ask to play the record, l'm gonna say: ''Voulez-vous jouer ce disque?''
'Voulez-vous, will you kiss my dick?'
Will you play my record? One-track mind!

Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #22 on: November 08, 2011, 12:48:38 pm »
Remains Of Ancient Race Of Job Creators Found In Rust Belt



...
Archaeologists say evidence of the long-dead race can still be readily found.

WASHINGTON—A team of leading archaeologists announced Monday they had uncovered the remains of an ancient job-creating race that, at the peak of its civilization, may have provided occupations for hundreds of thousands of humans in the American Northeast and Midwest.  According to researchers, these long- forgotten people once flourished between western New York state and Illinois, erecting highly distinctive steel and brick structures wherever they went, including many buildings thought to have held hundreds of paid workers at a time.

"It's truly fascinating—after spending a certain number of hours performing assigned tasks, the so-called 'employees' at such facilities would receive monetary compensation that allowed them to support themselves and their families," said archaeologist Alan H. Mueller, citing old ledgers and time-keeping devices unearthed at excavation sites in the region. "In fact, this practice seems to have been the norm for their culture, which consisted of advanced tool users capable of exploiting their skills to produce highly valued goods and services."

"It's a complex and intriguing set of rituals we're still trying to fully understand," Mueller added. "But it appears as if their entire society was centered around creating, out of thin air, actual jobs that paid an actual living wage."

With his team having so far cataloged the decaying ruins of more than 400 edifices believed to have been used solely for human employment, Mueller said he now believes the inhabitants of mid-20th-century North America may have built their territory—in particular, the Great Lakes region and northern Appalachia—into one of the most advanced and prosperous civilizations in the world.

Numerous scholars told reporters the findings have challenged everything they thought they knew about the fundamental organization of human societies, calling it "staggering" and "almost unbelievable" that a culture predating our own had been able to provide work to nearly every person who sought it.


full story about the ancient civilization at http://www.theonion.com/articles/remains-of-ancient-race-of-job-creators-found-in-r,26490/ 


Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: reactions to 9-9-9
« Reply #23 on: November 16, 2011, 10:17:50 am »
On October 17th, the Onion did a quick poll of Americans' reactions to Herman Cain's 9-9-9 soak-the-poor plan.  A few results:



"Look, getting America out of this recession demands we all share the bold, written-on-the-back-of-a-napkin sacrifice Cain has proposed."
..
Henry Dodge, Systems Analyst



Marge_Innavera

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From The Onion: Obama's latest gaffe
« Reply #24 on: December 09, 2011, 04:19:02 pm »
In Major Gaffe, Obama Forgets To Dumb It Down
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December 6, 2011


CINCINNATI—In a serious miscalculation that may prove devastating to his bid for a second term, President Barack Obama neglected Tuesday to simplify a statement to the point where it could readily be grasped by anyone with the vocabulary of an 8-year-old. "Instead of saying, 'There are many global variables at work here, and unless they all fall into place, we could find ourselves back in a recession,' he should have just said, 'Times are hard. We gotta be strong,'" said Washington Post political correspondent Brian Meltzer, noting that Obama's statement during a speech on job creation was met with dumbfounded looks and audible gasps from the crowd.

"Americans are so used to meaningless homespun homilies, they don't know what to do when they're treated like thinking adults. The president has to understand that if he goes out there throwing around words like 'currency' and 'economy,' he'll end up being branded an elitist."

In an attempt to correct the error, Obama concluded his speech with the words "Jobs good. No jobs bad. God bless America."

http://www.theonion.com/articles/in-major-gaffe-obama-forgets-to-dumb-it-down,26820/ 

Offline louisev

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #25 on: December 10, 2011, 12:02:14 am »
Some of the best journalism in America, right there.
“Mr. Coyote always gets me good, boy,”  Ellery said, winking.  “Almost forgot what life was like before I got me my own personal coyote.”


Marge_Innavera

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Re: The Latest From The Onion
« Reply #26 on: December 10, 2011, 06:09:40 pm »
I looked up the following, and few other entries to be posted later, in response to getting a message from a Holocaust "revisionist":


Did Six Million Really Visit The Holocaust Museum?

Did six million people really visit the United States Holocaust Memorial Museum since it opened in April 1993? That's what the United States Holocaust Memorial Council would have you believe, and if all you've been exposed to is its Zionist propaganda, you probably do. But just how many people have actually passed through the Holocaust Museum's doors?

Despite the wealth of evidence proving that the museum's visitor numbers are wildly exaggerated, it is truth seekers like myself who are labeled dangerous to society. Swayed by the Jewish agenda and its powerful lobby in Washington, millions of people have been duped into blindly accepting the museum's one-sided view of its attendance history. And those who attempt to set the record straight are promptly dismissed as "kooks," "liars," and, of course, "anti-Semites."

What are you afraid of, United States Holocaust Memorial Council? That the world will find out that the number of people interested in your museum has been greatly distorted?

Let's take a look at this supposedly well-visited museum. Just where do these attendance figures come from? You might be surprised by the answer: Speaking anonymously for fear of retribution, numerous Holocaust Museum workers have admitted that the six-million figure is "only an estimate." Furthermore, this misrepresentation includes not only visitors to the museum's Permanent Exhibition, which requires a pass, but also visitors to the rotating exhibits at the front of the building! Shocked? Anyone with a basic understanding of the way the Zionist propaganda machine works shouldn't be.

So, the supposed six million is not derived from the number of free tickets which have been distributed, but is instead a CAREFULLY AND DELIBERATELY MANIPULATED FIGURE which includes visitors to the museum who were unable to obtain a pass and only visited the all-access Wexler Learning Center. In other words, it includes visitors who could not in any way, shape, or form be counted! Even Sharon E. Underwood, one of the museum's own tour guides, admits that the question of how many people actually visited the museum remains "OPEN TO DEBATE." Yet the American Jewry continues to present six million as reality.

(Other discoveries:  flash photography prohibited in the museum, figures on the 1993 opening day's attendance reported by a journalist named "Levine".)

full story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/did-six-million-really-visit-the-holocaust-museum,10814/

Marge_Innavera

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The real winner in Iowa
« Reply #27 on: January 07, 2012, 03:31:04 pm »
600-Pound Butter Cow Sculpture Wins Iowa Caucus
January 3, 2012 | ISSUE 48•01


DES MOINES, IA—With a majority of precincts reporting, sources have confirmed a 600-pound recreation of a dairy cow sculpted entirely from freshly churned butter has won the 2012 Iowa Caucus. A staple at the Iowa State Fair and part of a tradition dating back to 1911, the 5-and-a-half-foot-tall, non-homogenized-milk-fat sculpture of a grazing bovine received 64 percent of the vote, easily defeating opponents Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, and Ron Paul.

"For one thing, I’m more familiar and comfortable with the butter cow," said Iowa voter Horace Wright, who cited the creamy sculpture’s even demeanor, its pro-agriculture agenda, and the fact that it’s not Mitt Romney as his primary reasons for voting for it. "And second, looking at the rest of the field, I think at this point the butter cow is the Republican Party’s best shot at beating Obama in November."

Exit polls revealed many caucus attendees considered Jon Huntsman, but ultimately concluded they didn’t want to waste their votes.

www.theonion.com/articles/600pound-butter-cow-sculpture-wins-iowa-caucus,26941/

Marge_Innavera

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From the Onion: left out of the worldwide conspiracy
« Reply #28 on: January 18, 2012, 11:55:45 am »
Local Jew Feels Left Out Of Worldwide Jewish Conspiracy

SOUTHFIELD, MI—It is an hour past sunset on a brisk Thursday night, and, like their brethren around the globe, the Jews of this affluent Detroit suburb are gathered in synagogues, busily hatching plots for world domination through financial chicanery and media influence. But for Seth Nussbaum, it will be just another lonely evening.

"For some reason, they've decided to leave me out of the worldwide Jewish conspiracy," said Nussbaum, a 34-year-old computer programmer. "And I can't say it doesn't hurt."

While his fellow Jews are controlling the flow of billions of dollars of international currency and brokering multi million-dollar entertainment deals, on this quiet night Nussbaum is making himself a frozen pizza and watching ER, far removed from any money beyond the $28,000 annual salary he receives from his job at Cyntech Industries.

"Who's to say I wouldn't enjoy hoarding a little gold every now and then?" he said, his voice tinged with bitterness. "Believe me, I'd love to be able to sneak around behind the scenes like the Elders of Zion, pulling the strings and holding the real power in society. But I guess when it comes to working the Jerusalem-New York-L.A. triangle, I just wasn't one of the chosen people."

"Unlike millions of other Jews around the world, Nussbaum holds no sway over the media, has no powerful friends within the Wall Street banking community or the Trilateral Commission, and has never run a major Hollywood studio.

~     ~     ~     ~     ~     ~

"Spurned by his own kind, Nussbaum has not even been able to gain admittance into a secondary world-domination conspiracy like the Masons."

whole story at http://www.theonion.com/articles/local-jew-feels-left-out-of-worldwide-jewish-consp,809/

Marge_Innavera

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Chick-fil-A expands menu
« Reply #29 on: July 26, 2012, 10:40:20 am »
In response to the flack about the CEO's anti-gay attitudes and CFA's support of anti-civil rights groups like NOM, Chick-fil-A has introduced a new sandwich for its customers and supporters:


Chick-Fil-A Debuts New Homophobic Sandwich
'Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu' Goes On Sale Wednesday
..
July 24, 2012 | ISSUE 48•30

ATLANTA—As part of its recent efforts to publicly align itself with fundamentalist Christian values, the Chick-fil-A restaurant chain announced today the debut of its new Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu sandwich that would be on sale in all of the company's 1,600 restaurants this Wednesday.

In a press conference to reporters, company representatives said the homophobic new sandwich will include the national fast food chain’s trademark fried chicken filet wrapped in a piece of specially-smoked No Homo ham that would be topped with a slice of Swiss cheese and lathered in a creamy new Thousand Island-based Fag Punching sauce.

"The Queer-Hatin' Cordon Bleu is our company's way of showing our firm commitment to strong, Christian family values," said Chick-fil-A spokesman Robert Gary, before adding that the vehemently anti-gay rights sandwich comes served in a combo with waffle fries and a medium soda for just $6.95. "From the very first morsel of this savory meal to the very last bite, customers can envision gays burning in hell with their sodomizing cohorts, and know that our sandwich is on their side.  Of course, the young ones will want to finish their meals off right with a No Fudge Packin' Soft Serve Cone," Gary added. "I can't think of a better way to follow up a sandwich this good."

While the release of the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu has led to anger from pro-gay rights groups, loyal Chick-fil-A customers claim they are happy they can finally enjoy a sandwich that takes a firm stance on the issue of homosexuality. 

"Any sandwich that combines that great Chick-fil-A flavor with a hefty dose of vitriolic homophobia is definitely going to keep me coming back for more," said Atlanta customer John Oaks. “Come Wednesday, I’m going to be first in line for this thing.”

According to sources, the Queer-Hatin’ Cordon Bleu is merely the first of Chick-fil-A’s new family values menu which is set to include the AIDS Is God’s Curse chicken nugget combo and the Fags Caused 9/11 strawberry fruit smoothie.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/chickfila-debuts-new-homophobic-sandwich,28888/