Before our collective memories of this year's Oscars starts to fade, I thought some might enjoy reading this graded list of the acceptance speeches just published in the New Yorker on-liine magazine. I was very glad that Daniel Day Lewis got the only A+ but Ang Lee was not far behind:
There are infinite ways to bomb an Oscar speech. Common pitfalls include self-aggrandizement (King of the World James Cameron), excessive weepiness (Gwyneth Paltrow), and sheer who-invited-this-person weirdness (Melissa Leo). Some are passive-aggressive (Shirley MacLaine, who thanked Debra Winger for her “turbulent brilliance”). Some are strident (Vanessa Redgrave, who chided “Zionist hoodlums”). Some are unsettling (Angelina Jolie, who declared herself “so in love with my brother right now”). At their best, they offer a jolt of liberating mania (Roberto Benigni), or a banquet of finely calibrated self-deprecation, gratitude, and poise (Meryl Streep, whose speeches are perfect and deserve their own awards).
So how did last night’s winners do? I should mention up front that extra points went to people with adorable accents.
Christoph Waltz, Best Supporting Actor: Waltz kicked off the evening with short and classy speech that acknowledged his competitors without condescension, and his collaborators without obligation. Speaking of his director, he said, “We participated in a hero’s journey, the hero here being Quentin.” Anyone who can make Quentin Tarantino seem like a selfless underdog knows his way around a speech. Plus: adorable accent. A-
Michael Haneke, Best Foreign Language Film: “Sank you to my wife.” B+
Anne Hathaway, Best Supporting Actress: All of us who have been following Hathaway’s ingratiating march through the awards season were bracing for the inevitable. Sure, that saccharine “It came true” was a step up from “Blerg,” the opening line from her Golden Globe speech. But the whole thing smacked of endless nights rehearsing in front of the mirror. After a dutifully memorized laundry list of names, Hathaway closed with the wish that “someday in the not too distant future, the misfortunes of Fantine will only be found in stories.” I’m sure all the consumptive French prostitutes with bad dentistry who were watching the Oscars appreciated that. C+
Adele, Best Song: Meanwhile, if you’re going to do teary-eyed earnestness, do it like Adele. She was gracious and disarming and—always a plus—brief. Loved that final arm wave to the auditorium with the line, “You’re all amazing as well!” B+
Quentin Tarantino, Best Original Screenplay: If you happen to find Tarantino’s rubber-faced self-mythologizing completely intolerable, this speech was not for you. Take note: humility is not thanking your actors by saying, “Boy, this time did I do it.” Nor is it necessary to point out that Charlize Theron is your neighbor. After talking over the “Gone with the Wind” play-off music (where’s “Jaws” when you need it?), Tarantino declared 2013 “the writer’s year, man” and signed off with an icky “peace out.” C
Ang Lee, Best Director: The menschiest speech of the night belonged to Lee, who began by thanking the “Movie God” and his cast, whom he called “the golden statue in my heart.” Coming from anyone else, these sentiments might have grated, but Lee seems to truly prize his moviemaking family. (Ronan Farrow, son of Woody Allen, agreed, tweeting, “Let’s be real, if we could pick our legendary director dads, we’d go with Ang Lee, right guys?” Ouch.) Extra credit for thanking Taiwan. Namaste. A
Jennifer Lawrence, Best Actress: At this point in the night, the ceremony desperately needed some spontaneity, so Lawrence’s tumble over her gigantic Scarlett O’Hara skirt was not unwelcome. She recovered quickly, saying, “You guys are just standing up ’cause you feel bad that I fell.” Aside from that, her speech was unmemorable if sweet: she thanked whom she needed to thank (which apparently didn’t include David O. Russell), wished Emmanuelle Riva a happy birthday, and seemed genuinely, breathlessly shocked. B+
Daniel Day-Lewis, Best Actor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is how to give an Oscar speech. Maybe it was magical Oscar dust from Meryl Streep, who gave Day-Lewis a big smooch that left his cheek smeared with lipstick. But this speech had it all: convincing humility, a slam-dunk bit about switching roles with Streep in “The Iron Lady” (and, yes, major points for making this a Meryl Streep speech by proxy), and heartfelt shout-outs to his wife, Steven Spielberg, and the “mysteriously beautiful mind, body, and spirit of Abraham Lincoln.” That’s how to thank someone from the nineteenth century, Anne. A+
Ben Affleck, Best Picture: Speaking like someone who has seen the best and worst of Hollywood, a snubbed-no-more Affleck described how the movie industry will pick you up, knock you down, and lift you back up again. After hours of Seth MacFarlane’s frat-boy comedy, cruise-line commercials, piano-bar bait, and William Shatner, we’d all been on a rocky journey, so this felt apt. Affleck spoke lightning-fast, but at that point it was practically Monday so all the better. Extra points for thanking Canada, Iran, and “my wife, who I normally don’t associate with Iran.” B+
Special Mentions: The two guys with Morlock hair who tied for Best Sound Editing; Chris Terrio, who dedicated his Best Adapted Screenplay award to those who “use creativity and intelligence to solve problems nonviolently.” After last night, that group does not include Seth MacFarlane.
