If you found out your Dad had an affair with another man ...

[YaadPyar]

Well - I know my Dad was involved with others - I think only women, but I don't really know.  And after my folks separated (never divorced; never even legally spearted - just didn't live in the same house) my mother had boyfriends.

What I understood about both of them is that they really loved each other, really loved their kids, and couldn't begin to make a relationship work.  And you can find all sorts of situations to blame it on, but nothing was simple or clear or easy.  

Maybe it's a tragic flaw in my character, but I can't say that it changed my relationship with either of them.  I think I just grew up really young understanding that promises are great, but that life is a lot more complicated than a vow you take at a single moment in time.  There are so many things you learn about yourself as you go, and so many things you learn about another that it's a miracle relationships ever last.

And no matter what you promise, no matter what you swear and to whom, there is no promise strong enough to protect you from sorrow forever.

[JCinNYC2006]

Well - I know my Dad was involved with others - I think only women, but I don't really know.  And after my folks separated (never divorced; never even legally spearted - just didn't live in the same house) my mother had boyfriends.

What I understood about both of them is that they really loved each other, really loved their kids, and couldn't begin to make a relationship work.  And you can find all sorts of situations to blame it on, but nothing was simple or clear or easy.  

Maybe it's a tragic flaw in my character, but I can't say that it changed my relationship with either of them.  I think I just grew up really young understanding that promises are great, but that life is a lot more complicated than a vow you take at a single moment in time.  There are so many things you learn about yourself as you go, and so many things you learn about another that it's a miracle relationships ever last.

And no matter what you promise, no matter what you swear and to whom, there is no promise strong enough to protect you from sorrow forever.

Wow, that's very moving.  I wouldn't see it as a tragic flaw that you're accepting of the reality of the situation.  It's actually much more mature to come to terms with our parents' shortcomings and accept and love them as they are.

It took a lot of work for me to deal with my father's alcoholism - hell, his being with other women was minor compared to that.  I still struggle with it, but I found that it was much harder to hold onto my anger and resentment towards him for being a lousy father.  Nothing I can do to change the past, so I try and have a more adult relationship with him now where if he does something I don't like, I can tell him so, unlike when I was growing up.

It's also interesting what you said about promises.  I think more relationships than we know of have these "understandings" built into them that allow for these kinds of shortcomings.  I don't know that it always works, but that's how it is for some.

Juan