Holiday Greetings, my Brokies...
Those who know my comings and goings know that I usually like to take advantage of my favorite cowboy icon, but... alas... I'm not in the proper spirits to use it. So I'm going to have to go with a more accurate depiction of what I look like:
I suppose this is going to be somewhat strange to read, but as you will learn in what follows, I sort of need somewhere to bring all of this and if you would care to simply listen... then that would be great. It's been a while since I've really put myself out for all of my Brokies to see, and while this will be in the spirit of the old days, it can also act as an update, as well.
For those of you who do not know me, I've battled with biological depression my entire life (it runs in my family) but made a miraculous recovery in recent years. Although I am so much better with coping and even preventing it from happening, it is something that lurks behind me and preys from time to time. As we are now in the midst of this holiday season, it seems to be one of those times.
I guess the one word that could best describe the way I feel would be: lonely.
I'm not close with anyone in my family. No one. I actually depend on others who I have close relationships with... but it's hard for me to try to expect the familial type relationships from them. I know that I can't. It's not fair. But at this time of the year, their families become their priorities and I, as much as I wish I could, do not feel I am a part of that. While all of the people that I am close with retreat to the people related to them by blood, while I retreat to the people who can't even begin to understand me.
My third semester in college led to my dropping out. I had a very rough time with everything and I desperately needed to take the break that I intended to take after high school, but didn't because I was pressured into going. That semester would place nothing but F's on my transcript; and my parents, in turn, would offer nothing but disappointment.
Over the next few months, I had begun to try to really decide what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go... and, admittedly, I was probably the closest you could come to defining a "loser" -- but it was a time that I desperately needed. And about a year ago, my mentor, Melinda (a former professor of mine), who knew everything that was going on with me, advised me to look into something called a "retroactive withdrawal." They're very hard to get, but if you can make a case to the university, they can change your F's to W's, where it would be as if you hadn't failed the course... you just withdrew from it. Luckily, because I had so much documentation with all of the stuff that had happened over my time in college, it was unanimously approved by the Counseling Center, the Health Center, the Office of Student Affairs, each one of my individual professors, each one of the department's chairpersons, and the dean of the college. And the nine week ordeal of getting that done would be but a mere beginning of my bouncing back. At the beginning of this Autumn, I enrolled back in school and with Melinda helping me, I really came into my own. As of this morning, my official grades came in for the semester -- I got straight-A's.
I
literally went from straight-F's to straight-A's.
And while Melinda has been so proud of me this entire semester and has been enthusiastic along with me in my success, my showing my grades to my mother this evening generated nothing but two words: "hmmph, better."
And that's what I often feel. My parents don't see my success as something to be proud of, but rather something to expect. I guess it may be something to appreciate, one's parents actually believing that their child is capable of so much... but it can really mess with your mind when you feel that the only way you can be loved is to exceed your capabilities. To have worked my ass off all semester... and all my mother could give me was: "hmmph, better."
Better? I went from straight-F's to straight-A's... I'm not exactly sure what other feat could possibly be more dazzling. And my feelings from this force me into this desperate need for all of that unconditional love they don't give from others in my life -- which is, by my own admission, unfair to expect from people like Melinda.
I also don't have too many friends. I think I have a hard time finding people who actually understand me. And other times I think it's hard for people to have to hear me talk about things like some of the stuff you are currently reading. And it also doesn't help that because of my crashing and burning, I fell a little bit behind everyone my own age.
My friends from high school are getting engaged... graduating from college this year... and I just became a sophomore today. All of the people have left me in the dust and are in completely different places in life than I am.
All I want is to feel normal. And a part of me sees this as a chance to start over. But the problem is that it's so hard to start over. And I can't begin to even explain how much that scares me. It feels like a time in my life where the one thing that would feel spectacular would be moral support... but so goes the vicious circle of my needing moral support to get myself back on my feet to where I can find a solid rock of moral support.
I so want to forsake all of my relationships in life, with the exception of maybe... two or three. There's a part of me that would desire to never associate with most everyone I know ever again. And it seems to be so abnormal to want to be that isolated without wanting to be that isolated (if that makes sense).
Today, I spoke to my counselor who had helped me through my intense battle during my second and third semesters. I wanted to show her my grades. And she seemed as if she was disappointed that I would feel the need to show her... and to need that support from her. And I guess it makes me sad to know that someone who I did grow to trust as much as I did is someone that I have to block out when I need someone to feel proud of me.
I guess sometimes being proud of myself isn't enough; as much as it should be.
Any advice, comments, whatever... please share.
I hope everyone has a Happy Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Pagan Day of Yule... whatever you happen to celebrate... I hope it's good.
Yours,
David (TheStudDuck!)