Home for the Holidays (david requests tremblayan group therapy)

[TheStudDuck!]

Holiday Greetings, my Brokies...

Those who know my comings and goings know that I usually like to take advantage of my favorite cowboy icon, but... alas... I'm not in the proper spirits to use it.  So I'm going to have to go with a more accurate depiction of what I look like:

 

I suppose this is going to be somewhat strange to read, but as you will learn in what follows, I sort of need somewhere to bring all of this and if you would care to simply listen... then that would be great.  It's been a while since I've really put myself out for all of my Brokies to see, and while this will be in the spirit of the old days, it can also act as an update, as well.

For those of you who do not know me, I've battled with biological depression my entire life (it runs in my family) but made a miraculous recovery in recent years.  Although I am so much better with coping and even preventing it from happening, it is something that lurks behind me and preys from time to time.  As we are now in the midst of this holiday season, it seems to be one of those times.

I guess the one word that could best describe the way I feel would be:  lonely.


I'm not close with anyone in my family.  No one.  I actually depend on others who I have close relationships with... but it's hard for me to try to expect the familial type relationships from them.  I know that I can't.  It's not fair.  But at this time of the year, their families become their priorities and I, as much as I wish I could, do not feel I am a part of that.  While all of the people that I am close with retreat to the people related to them by blood, while I retreat to the people who can't even begin to understand me.

My third semester in college led to my dropping out.  I had a very rough time with everything and I desperately needed to take the break that I intended to take after high school, but didn't because I was pressured into going.  That semester would place nothing but F's on my transcript; and my parents, in turn, would offer nothing but disappointment.

Over the next few months, I had begun to try to really decide what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go... and, admittedly, I was probably the closest you could come to defining a "loser" -- but it was a time that I desperately needed.  And about a year ago, my mentor, Melinda (a former professor of mine), who knew everything that was going on with me, advised me to look into something called a "retroactive withdrawal."  They're very hard to get, but if you can make a case to the university, they can change your F's to W's, where it would be as if you hadn't failed the course... you just withdrew from it.  Luckily, because I had so much documentation with all of the stuff that had happened over my time in college, it was unanimously approved by the Counseling Center, the Health Center, the Office of Student Affairs, each one of my individual professors, each one of the department's chairpersons, and the dean of the college.  And the nine week ordeal of getting that done would be but a mere beginning of my bouncing back.  At the beginning of this Autumn, I enrolled back in school and with Melinda helping me, I really came into my own.  As of this morning, my official grades came in for the semester -- I got straight-A's.

I literally went from straight-F's to straight-A's.

And while Melinda has been so proud of me this entire semester and has been enthusiastic along with me in my success, my showing my grades to my mother this evening generated nothing but two words:  "hmmph, better."

And that's what I often feel.  My parents don't see my success as something to be proud of, but rather something to expect.  I guess it may be something to appreciate, one's parents actually believing that their child is capable of so much... but it can really mess with your mind when you feel that the only way you can be loved is to exceed your capabilities.  To have worked my ass off all semester... and all my mother could give me was:  "hmmph, better."

Better?  I went from straight-F's to straight-A's... I'm not exactly sure what other feat could possibly be more dazzling.  And my feelings from this force me into this desperate need for all of that unconditional love they don't give from others in my life -- which is, by my own admission, unfair to expect from people like Melinda.

I also don't have too many friends.  I think I have a hard time finding people who actually understand me.  And other times I think it's hard for people to have to hear me talk about things like some of the stuff you are currently reading.  And it also doesn't help that because of my crashing and burning, I fell a little bit behind everyone my own age.

My friends from high school are getting engaged... graduating from college this year... and I just became a sophomore today.  All of the people have left me in the dust and are in completely different places in life than I am.

All I want is to feel normal.  And a part of me sees this as a chance to start over.  But the problem is that it's so hard to start over.  And I can't begin to even explain how much that scares me.  It feels like a time in my life where the one thing that would feel spectacular would be moral support... but so goes the vicious circle of my needing moral support to get myself back on my feet to where I can find a solid rock of moral support.

I so want to forsake all of my relationships in life, with the exception of maybe... two or three.  There's a part of me that would desire to never associate with most everyone I know ever again.  And it seems to be so abnormal to want to be that isolated without wanting to be that isolated (if that makes sense).

Today, I spoke to my counselor who had helped me through my intense battle during my second and third semesters.  I wanted to show her my grades.  And she seemed as if she was disappointed that I would feel the need to show her... and to need that support from her.  And I guess it makes me sad to know that someone who I did grow to trust as much as I did is someone that I have to block out when I need someone to feel proud of me.

I guess sometimes being proud of myself isn't enough; as much as it should be.

Any advice, comments, whatever... please share.

I hope everyone has a Happy Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Pagan Day of Yule... whatever you happen to celebrate... I hope it's good.

Yours,
David (TheStudDuck!)

[moremojo]

Heya, David--

Glad to know you're still around these parts, pardner. Thank you for updating us on what's been going on for you; I'm just sorry that much of what you're dealing with is challenging. But you've clearly got a lot going for you--anyone who can transform an F into an A has got to be on the ball. Feel proud of yourself...you deserve it. Even if no one around you can share or display what you desire to see or hear, you can nurture your own sense of worth and purpose within your own heart.

I don't have a lot of time at the moment, and am not feeling very eloquent, but, for what it's worth...hang in there, bud. Your life has a purpose and meaning that may be hidden from your conscious view, but you are a very important part of the Big Story. Remember that, and know that you are loved...even if you know not the name of its source.

Happy holidays to you, too. Keep warm and safe.

Best to ya,
Scott

[louisev]

Dude,

Glad you stopped by in chat - this is Louise.  We're still there if you want to come back and chat online.

first of all - you got all A's.  You did that for you - and you succeeded!  Which means you can repeat that success - and no one can take that away from you.  That is for your own self esteem, regardless of the hmpphs.  Some of those "hmmphs" are the sounds of jealousy and the refusal to acknowledge change in others' lives, an unwillingness to let others grow - and that is their problem.

I have no family close to me, either - and this is not an unusual situation.  Stick close to your real friends - the people who, when you have no other place to go, they have to take you in!

[David]

Hi David!    Long time no see!

     Congrats on the Grades turn around!     Forget about pleasing your Mother.   The only one you need to prove anything to grade wise is yourself!    And you've done that!   So you give yourself a big hug.

     As for the Holiday issue?   Yeah.  I feel it too.    I'm 40 yrs old and some of my classmates are already grand parents!    I know exactly how you feel when you talk about it being a "Family" Holiday.      I do have some single gay friends who are also alone on the Holiday,  but two are in Florida and one is in Denver.    Besides,  my Mom is pretty much the only Family I have now.  So I spend the day with her.

   The reality of it all is that things change.    Our friends we had in High School move away to College, then get married and often live far away.     Then we get jobs and make new friends.    Old friends drift away.   Change jobs?  New friends again.    It is pretty much a revolving door.    Hopefully along the way we connect with some people and stay in touch.     

  As the old saying goes,  you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.   I just try to stay away from negative family members.   Lifes too short to focus on the negative stuff.   Suround yourself with warm hearted, kind people and feed off the positive energy!

Glad you checked in with us David.   You know you have plenty of shoulders to lean on here.

[Daniel]

Hello David, let me be the first to say that you are not alone in the feeling of loneliness (and the related sensation of despair) that you seem to be describing.  I myself am a victim of that same perception... I have qualified it by identifying more strongly with my self-identity, and with my integrity, as you seem to have done.

If I would offer any advice to you at this time of loneliness, it is to let that loneliness express itself however you feel it needs to be expressed. The inability to connect with others indicates to me that there are many internal changes going on, and that you are coming closer to your true identification of yourself.  It seems to me that whenever I express something that I am truly interested in, or that inspires me in a variety of ways, it is these events and circumstances which few others understand... That only really indicates how special I truly am, and how unique I am as an individual.

It is this uniqueness which is sometimes so painful to bear. But I relish every moment of it because it is significant in the universal scheme of things. It is important. Sometimes the most difficult path to follow is the path of the Self, particularly when we would much rather have that path be amongst friends and family... All too often, it leads away from them, though.... At least this is my personal experience.

Your poetry can help you. I know mine has helped me greatly. In reviewing the poetry I've written weeks or even months ago, I have discovered that in the times when I least felt as though I had a purpose or some greater relation to the universe.... in those moments, I have discovered an undercurrent of direction that is barely glimpsed, but which has greatly enhanced my perception of the Self (the Soul or Spirit, if you will.), and given me the opportunity and the moment of threshold awareness from whence I can attend my newest Self perceptions.

Of course, a time will come, as it has for me, when you will want to share these perceptions with someone (anyone) who can respond and connect with you at that same level. This is my conundrum, as well, for though I am convinced that such a person exists, I have neither the knowledge nor focused inward attention to pursue him.

[injest]

David?? are you and I brother and sister? sound like you had my mother!

I understand your wanting to cut loose your family. I have most all of mine. I am 41 and still wish I could have had that perfect childhood.

I have very few friends but I stick close to them. It is hard to believe even now all these years later that they love me ..I still carry those scars from my parents...but I am learning to trust again...all these years later...sounds to me that it won't take you so long...you are already reaching out and thinking through what is happening in your life..and taking care of your depression. Something I never have allowed myself to do...

good luck, David...

[Ellemeno]

Hi David,

Well done on the A's!  And especially for the self care involved in living an active life.

I had a thought - If your mom is depressed, maybe that was the best response she could muster, but you deserve more.

Elle

[nakymaton]

Hi David --

I'm not an old Tremblayan, but I'm still damn impressed that you went from straight F's to straight A's. Good for you.

And as for the friends graduating from college already... you know, lots of people take different paths through life and through college. The whole four years thing works for someone, but not for others. Hang in there.

[ifyoucantfixit]

   hey bud i talked to you on chat late one night here early in the summer, and you told me you were so happy and surprised about the excellent grades you were getting at the time...i was so blessed to get to speak with you.  you have every right to be very proud of yourself and what you have accomplished...i would like for you to just tell yourself how proud you are...after all that is what builds you up for all the accomplishments to come.
   you are obviously a better person than you have been taught to believe, and now you know that for a fact..anyone that can get from where you were to where you are now.,,you deserve all the encouragement and praise that is there to be give.  i remembered you and remember you still, and hope that you will build your future life on the foundation that you have started in such a fantastic way...for those that should give you the love and praise that you have coming, and fail to do so, that is truly their loss, and you have so much to give that they will never receive because they dont understand what they are missing...you are a very gifted and remarkable young man, and know that i wish you the very best of holiday seasons..and wish you were a member of my family, because we would surely love and care for you entirely for all the year...all my sincerest of hopes for your future and present time...                                                                             janice

[RouxB]

David-

First, excellent job and not just on the A's. The grades are just the manifestation of your self-love and desire to be the person that you know is living in your soul. You have all the capacity in the world to be self-driven and not reliant on the validation of others-you have proven that. And never underestimate your positive impact on others. As I have told you time and again, you have always had a special place in my Brokie heart. From The Soup Nazi to The Stud Duck you are a part of our lovely Tremblayan history. It's pretty great that you are giving new Tremblayans an opportunity to know you (Mel, you are so a Tremblayan!).

Families are families-some are good and some not so much. Yes, it sucks when parents are so caught up in their own drama that they lose their generosity of spirit. I won't presume to know your mother or her motivation and I just say that my mother has said some of the most phenominally hurtful things to me and been completely unaware of it. What the hell is that about?!

I understand the lonely-I think many of us here do. I believe that is one of the conditions that brought us together and allowed us to bond. While you may feel lonely, know that you are not alone. This strange and lovely little cyber family is all about the love-take it when you need it darlin'

 

p.s. In honor of you, I went back to using my screen name

Roux