Home for the Holidays (david requests tremblayan group therapy)

[TheStudDuck!]

Holiday Greetings, my Brokies...

Those who know my comings and goings know that I usually like to take advantage of my favorite cowboy icon, but... alas... I'm not in the proper spirits to use it.  So I'm going to have to go with a more accurate depiction of what I look like:

 

I suppose this is going to be somewhat strange to read, but as you will learn in what follows, I sort of need somewhere to bring all of this and if you would care to simply listen... then that would be great.  It's been a while since I've really put myself out for all of my Brokies to see, and while this will be in the spirit of the old days, it can also act as an update, as well.

For those of you who do not know me, I've battled with biological depression my entire life (it runs in my family) but made a miraculous recovery in recent years.  Although I am so much better with coping and even preventing it from happening, it is something that lurks behind me and preys from time to time.  As we are now in the midst of this holiday season, it seems to be one of those times.

I guess the one word that could best describe the way I feel would be:  lonely.


I'm not close with anyone in my family.  No one.  I actually depend on others who I have close relationships with... but it's hard for me to try to expect the familial type relationships from them.  I know that I can't.  It's not fair.  But at this time of the year, their families become their priorities and I, as much as I wish I could, do not feel I am a part of that.  While all of the people that I am close with retreat to the people related to them by blood, while I retreat to the people who can't even begin to understand me.

My third semester in college led to my dropping out.  I had a very rough time with everything and I desperately needed to take the break that I intended to take after high school, but didn't because I was pressured into going.  That semester would place nothing but F's on my transcript; and my parents, in turn, would offer nothing but disappointment.

Over the next few months, I had begun to try to really decide what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go... and, admittedly, I was probably the closest you could come to defining a "loser" -- but it was a time that I desperately needed.  And about a year ago, my mentor, Melinda (a former professor of mine), who knew everything that was going on with me, advised me to look into something called a "retroactive withdrawal."  They're very hard to get, but if you can make a case to the university, they can change your F's to W's, where it would be as if you hadn't failed the course... you just withdrew from it.  Luckily, because I had so much documentation with all of the stuff that had happened over my time in college, it was unanimously approved by the Counseling Center, the Health Center, the Office of Student Affairs, each one of my individual professors, each one of the department's chairpersons, and the dean of the college.  And the nine week ordeal of getting that done would be but a mere beginning of my bouncing back.  At the beginning of this Autumn, I enrolled back in school and with Melinda helping me, I really came into my own.  As of this morning, my official grades came in for the semester -- I got straight-A's.

I literally went from straight-F's to straight-A's.

And while Melinda has been so proud of me this entire semester and has been enthusiastic along with me in my success, my showing my grades to my mother this evening generated nothing but two words:  "hmmph, better."

And that's what I often feel.  My parents don't see my success as something to be proud of, but rather something to expect.  I guess it may be something to appreciate, one's parents actually believing that their child is capable of so much... but it can really mess with your mind when you feel that the only way you can be loved is to exceed your capabilities.  To have worked my ass off all semester... and all my mother could give me was:  "hmmph, better."

Better?  I went from straight-F's to straight-A's... I'm not exactly sure what other feat could possibly be more dazzling.  And my feelings from this force me into this desperate need for all of that unconditional love they don't give from others in my life -- which is, by my own admission, unfair to expect from people like Melinda.

I also don't have too many friends.  I think I have a hard time finding people who actually understand me.  And other times I think it's hard for people to have to hear me talk about things like some of the stuff you are currently reading.  And it also doesn't help that because of my crashing and burning, I fell a little bit behind everyone my own age.

My friends from high school are getting engaged... graduating from college this year... and I just became a sophomore today.  All of the people have left me in the dust and are in completely different places in life than I am.

All I want is to feel normal.  And a part of me sees this as a chance to start over.  But the problem is that it's so hard to start over.  And I can't begin to even explain how much that scares me.  It feels like a time in my life where the one thing that would feel spectacular would be moral support... but so goes the vicious circle of my needing moral support to get myself back on my feet to where I can find a solid rock of moral support.

I so want to forsake all of my relationships in life, with the exception of maybe... two or three.  There's a part of me that would desire to never associate with most everyone I know ever again.  And it seems to be so abnormal to want to be that isolated without wanting to be that isolated (if that makes sense).

Today, I spoke to my counselor who had helped me through my intense battle during my second and third semesters.  I wanted to show her my grades.  And she seemed as if she was disappointed that I would feel the need to show her... and to need that support from her.  And I guess it makes me sad to know that someone who I did grow to trust as much as I did is someone that I have to block out when I need someone to feel proud of me.

I guess sometimes being proud of myself isn't enough; as much as it should be.

Any advice, comments, whatever... please share.

I hope everyone has a Happy Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, Pagan Day of Yule... whatever you happen to celebrate... I hope it's good.

Yours,
David (TheStudDuck!)

[moremojo]

Heya, David--

Glad to know you're still around these parts, pardner. Thank you for updating us on what's been going on for you; I'm just sorry that much of what you're dealing with is challenging. But you've clearly got a lot going for you--anyone who can transform an F into an A has got to be on the ball. Feel proud of yourself...you deserve it. Even if no one around you can share or display what you desire to see or hear, you can nurture your own sense of worth and purpose within your own heart.

I don't have a lot of time at the moment, and am not feeling very eloquent, but, for what it's worth...hang in there, bud. Your life has a purpose and meaning that may be hidden from your conscious view, but you are a very important part of the Big Story. Remember that, and know that you are loved...even if you know not the name of its source.

Happy holidays to you, too. Keep warm and safe.

Best to ya,
Scott

[louisev]

Dude,

Glad you stopped by in chat - this is Louise.  We're still there if you want to come back and chat online.

first of all - you got all A's.  You did that for you - and you succeeded!  Which means you can repeat that success - and no one can take that away from you.  That is for your own self esteem, regardless of the hmpphs.  Some of those "hmmphs" are the sounds of jealousy and the refusal to acknowledge change in others' lives, an unwillingness to let others grow - and that is their problem.

I have no family close to me, either - and this is not an unusual situation.  Stick close to your real friends - the people who, when you have no other place to go, they have to take you in!

[David]

Hi David!    Long time no see!

     Congrats on the Grades turn around!     Forget about pleasing your Mother.   The only one you need to prove anything to grade wise is yourself!    And you've done that!   So you give yourself a big hug.

     As for the Holiday issue?   Yeah.  I feel it too.    I'm 40 yrs old and some of my classmates are already grand parents!    I know exactly how you feel when you talk about it being a "Family" Holiday.      I do have some single gay friends who are also alone on the Holiday,  but two are in Florida and one is in Denver.    Besides,  my Mom is pretty much the only Family I have now.  So I spend the day with her.

   The reality of it all is that things change.    Our friends we had in High School move away to College, then get married and often live far away.     Then we get jobs and make new friends.    Old friends drift away.   Change jobs?  New friends again.    It is pretty much a revolving door.    Hopefully along the way we connect with some people and stay in touch.     

  As the old saying goes,  you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.   I just try to stay away from negative family members.   Lifes too short to focus on the negative stuff.   Suround yourself with warm hearted, kind people and feed off the positive energy!

Glad you checked in with us David.   You know you have plenty of shoulders to lean on here.

[Daniel]

Hello David, let me be the first to say that you are not alone in the feeling of loneliness (and the related sensation of despair) that you seem to be describing.  I myself am a victim of that same perception... I have qualified it by identifying more strongly with my self-identity, and with my integrity, as you seem to have done.

If I would offer any advice to you at this time of loneliness, it is to let that loneliness express itself however you feel it needs to be expressed. The inability to connect with others indicates to me that there are many internal changes going on, and that you are coming closer to your true identification of yourself.  It seems to me that whenever I express something that I am truly interested in, or that inspires me in a variety of ways, it is these events and circumstances which few others understand... That only really indicates how special I truly am, and how unique I am as an individual.

It is this uniqueness which is sometimes so painful to bear. But I relish every moment of it because it is significant in the universal scheme of things. It is important. Sometimes the most difficult path to follow is the path of the Self, particularly when we would much rather have that path be amongst friends and family... All too often, it leads away from them, though.... At least this is my personal experience.

Your poetry can help you. I know mine has helped me greatly. In reviewing the poetry I've written weeks or even months ago, I have discovered that in the times when I least felt as though I had a purpose or some greater relation to the universe.... in those moments, I have discovered an undercurrent of direction that is barely glimpsed, but which has greatly enhanced my perception of the Self (the Soul or Spirit, if you will.), and given me the opportunity and the moment of threshold awareness from whence I can attend my newest Self perceptions.

Of course, a time will come, as it has for me, when you will want to share these perceptions with someone (anyone) who can respond and connect with you at that same level. This is my conundrum, as well, for though I am convinced that such a person exists, I have neither the knowledge nor focused inward attention to pursue him.

[injest]

David?? are you and I brother and sister? sound like you had my mother!

I understand your wanting to cut loose your family. I have most all of mine. I am 41 and still wish I could have had that perfect childhood.

I have very few friends but I stick close to them. It is hard to believe even now all these years later that they love me ..I still carry those scars from my parents...but I am learning to trust again...all these years later...sounds to me that it won't take you so long...you are already reaching out and thinking through what is happening in your life..and taking care of your depression. Something I never have allowed myself to do...

good luck, David...

[Ellemeno]

Hi David,

Well done on the A's!  And especially for the self care involved in living an active life.

I had a thought - If your mom is depressed, maybe that was the best response she could muster, but you deserve more.

Elle

[nakymaton]

Hi David --

I'm not an old Tremblayan, but I'm still damn impressed that you went from straight F's to straight A's. Good for you.

And as for the friends graduating from college already... you know, lots of people take different paths through life and through college. The whole four years thing works for someone, but not for others. Hang in there.

[ifyoucantfixit]

   hey bud i talked to you on chat late one night here early in the summer, and you told me you were so happy and surprised about the excellent grades you were getting at the time...i was so blessed to get to speak with you.  you have every right to be very proud of yourself and what you have accomplished...i would like for you to just tell yourself how proud you are...after all that is what builds you up for all the accomplishments to come.
   you are obviously a better person than you have been taught to believe, and now you know that for a fact..anyone that can get from where you were to where you are now.,,you deserve all the encouragement and praise that is there to be give.  i remembered you and remember you still, and hope that you will build your future life on the foundation that you have started in such a fantastic way...for those that should give you the love and praise that you have coming, and fail to do so, that is truly their loss, and you have so much to give that they will never receive because they dont understand what they are missing...you are a very gifted and remarkable young man, and know that i wish you the very best of holiday seasons..and wish you were a member of my family, because we would surely love and care for you entirely for all the year...all my sincerest of hopes for your future and present time...                                                                             janice

[RouxB]

David-

First, excellent job and not just on the A's. The grades are just the manifestation of your self-love and desire to be the person that you know is living in your soul. You have all the capacity in the world to be self-driven and not reliant on the validation of others-you have proven that. And never underestimate your positive impact on others. As I have told you time and again, you have always had a special place in my Brokie heart. From The Soup Nazi to The Stud Duck you are a part of our lovely Tremblayan history. It's pretty great that you are giving new Tremblayans an opportunity to know you (Mel, you are so a Tremblayan!).

Families are families-some are good and some not so much. Yes, it sucks when parents are so caught up in their own drama that they lose their generosity of spirit. I won't presume to know your mother or her motivation and I just say that my mother has said some of the most phenominally hurtful things to me and been completely unaware of it. What the hell is that about?!

I understand the lonely-I think many of us here do. I believe that is one of the conditions that brought us together and allowed us to bond. While you may feel lonely, know that you are not alone. This strange and lovely little cyber family is all about the love-take it when you need it darlin'

 

p.s. In honor of you, I went back to using my screen name

Roux

[Kelda]

David..

I cannot be so eloquent as those gone before but I just had to say hello....and hang in there.

People care about you more than you shall ever know. And we are so thrilled you have done so well.

Some people fall into their life with ease ... others take a bit of time to get settled.

It doesn't mean the clothes don't fit or you will never be happy. It just means you are a complicated spirit - not a bad thing in my book or - if I can make such a bold statment - anyone on Bettermost's book.

(((HUGS))))

[ednbarby]

Way to go on the A's, David!

I think Elle has a good point - your Mom may be depressed herself and that's the most enthusiasm she can muster.  My heart hurts for you.  Clinical depression runs in my family, too.  My mother and one of my brothers have spent much of their lives self-medicating theirs with alcohol.  Mine came on in the form of post-partum depression four days after my son was born.  Thank goodness a sharp doctor noticed it right away and got me the help I needed.  When you're experiencing it, as you well know, you are not yourself.  You're not capable of saying, "My goodness.  I'm having irrational, overwhelming thoughts of failure and guilt and can't think straight.  I need help."  You just feel like that's your life, now.

And the holidays - good God.  They're enough to drive even the most mentally-healthy person on the planet into a depression.  We see all those Hallmark and Norman Rockwell moments depicted on TV, in the movies, in magazines making us feel like our imperfect or downright dysfunctional families are somehow abnormal - like we're the only ones who just wish this time of year would hurry up and be over with, already.  I haven't talked to anyone my age (41) this week who is actually excited about seeing and/or spending a lot of time with all of their family members.  There may be this one or that one they look forward to seeing, but everyone has at least family member they can barely stand.

Chin up, darlin'.  I think your friends are your true family.  And I know it's hard when people you thought were your friends let you down.  When that happens, I just appreciate those who haven't that much more.  Surround yourself with the people who do support you.  Don't isolate yourself.  If your friends are nowhere to be found, maybe go out to a lively, fun area and just enjoy being around other people who are celebrating.  Maybe it's just the closet extrovert in me, but I find that when I feel the most down (and right around this time of year is when I usually do), the best medicine is to just get out there and listen to and watch people talk and laugh.  And if all else fails, you know you can always find friends here.

 

[Front-Ranger]

Hey, David! Thanks for coming back, I missed you! You're my fellow Aguirre and I could never live up to your portrayal of him. Don't be in a hurry to graduate from college! It's a jungle out there! Stay in school as long as you can!! And take a break from the holidays whenever you feel it overwhelming you. We love you, David!! 

[kirkmusic]

"All I want is to feel normal."

So what's so great about normal?  You know what normal gets you?  It gets you started too fast into a career you won't like in 5 years.  It gets you married too soon and divorced soon after.  It gets you trying to fit into a place you just plain don't.  And besides, the concept of normal varies so widely from place to place and social group to social group that the whole quest and desire for normality, if not pointless (because I do understand it), is frustating beyond human tolerance.

The ironic thing is, you already are normal.

I used to walk down busy streets in sunny California, looking at people hanging out with their friends on weekend afternoons in outdoor cafes and wonder why that couldn't be me.  Why was I so lonely and isolated?  Why do all of these beautiful people seem to know each other and have such a good time together?  How does one get on the call list?  And I was so focused on how lonely I was that when I actually was hanging out with friends, I didn't appreciate it.  After all, it was only a matter time time before everyone went home and I'd be alone again.

As I got older I came to learn that no one's life is ideal, that many of those people I envied might not be having the good time they looked like they were having.  Or perhaps that I really wouldn't care to know them.  Case in point:  I go to a gay gym in San Francisco.  There were a number of guys I would see regularly that just looked so amazing.  So naturally they were out of my league.  But I kept looking.  As time went on I gained some self confidence and started talking to some of them, or at least observing them more closely.  And you know what?  They weren't all that.  They all looked great but there was a bad, negative attitude, or a voice that was a total deal breaker, or they were so low energy as to be unappealing on a personal level, or they were total flakes or...  Nobody's perfect.  Nobody's normal.  So everyone is.

And while everyone has their faults, it's also important to note that everyone has their strengths.  So maybe I wouldn't want to date any of these guys, but there's no reason that, having now introduced myself and conversed with them, I couldn't do the same when I saw them again.  That being said, if you feel like you want to forsake all of your relationships except for a few important ones, okay.  Maybe you just haven't found your place yet.  Personally, there's been no one place I've felt at home since high school.  The only times I do feel at home are when I'm in the company of people I have a strong connection with.  And there are precious few of those.  And that's fine.

I recently returned to my old job after a 4 month absence.  So many people were so happy to see me.  It felt good to be appreciated.  And I didn't question how deeply they liked me, like I would have in my teens or twenties.  Just because you're not a huge part of someone's life doesn't mean that the part you do play, and that they play in yours, is meaningless.  After all, you can only put your attention on so many things at once.  And from the sound of it, you had your hands full with school.

Speaking of which, your mom's reaction to your grades could not have had anything to do with you.  If "better" was the best she could come up with, she obviously has some serious stuff going on in her own head.  What you accomplished was an amazing achievement.  Don't let anyone take that away from you. (Says the guy who put on an outstanding, critically acclaimed cabaret show 2 years ago and was heartbroken because more people hadn't shown up.  I do understand the need for outside approval and support.)  Be gentle with your mom and yourself.  Don't mistake lack of excitement over your grades as lack of love.  I don't know your family, but I do know that we often put meaning onto certain actions and words which, in fact, don't mean what we think they did.  If there's something you need, something that you define as "support" from you mother, don't be afraid to come right out and ask for it.  You might be surprised at the conversation that follows.  And if she's incapable of giving you the support you need, don't drive yourself nuts trying to get it from her.  It's not your fault.

I also wanted to say that it's okay not to know what you want yet.  You are so young!  I've known what I've wanted since I was about 14 and look where it's gotten me.  I only really started going for it a few years ago, and even that resolve comes in fits and starts.  And I'm 37.

I totally feel for where you are right now.  Please know that you are not alone.  I recognize the feeling of not being understood.  And I'm telling you right now, it's an illusion.  I used to think of myself as so unique and so complex that no one could really "get" me.  Nobody could build more finely detailed walls than me.  The day I was finally able to give that up was one of the top five best days of my life.  It made me more willing to give people a chance to understand me and more willing to express myself in such a way that they could.  And you know what the best thing was?  My walls really were very impressive.  Monumental.  Fascinating.  If I could create something of such density and complexity I could create anything I wanted.

You've already proven yourself to be extremely powerful in turning your life around.  Trust yourself.  Trust your intuition.  Trust that you are right where you need to be.  And trust that we are here for you.

David, seeing your screen name on a new post always brings a smile to my face.  Thanks for letting us in.

Kirk

[Kelda]

"All I want is to feel normal."

So what's so great about normal?  You know what normal gets you?  It gets you started too fast into a career you won't like in 5 years.  It gets you married too soon and divorced soon after.  It gets you trying to fit into a place you just plain don't.  And besides, the concept of normal varies so widely from place to place and social group to social group that the whole quest and desire for normality, if not pointless (because I do understand it), is frustating beyond human tolerance.

The ironic thing is, you already are normal.

I used to walk down busy streets in sunny California, looking at people hanging out with their friends on weekend afternoons in outdoor cafes and wonder why that couldn't be me.  Why was I so lonely and isolated?  Why do all of these beautiful people seem to know each other and have such a good time together?  How does one get on the call list?  And I was so focused on how lonely I was that when I actually was hanging out with friends, I didn't appreciate it.  After all, it was only a matter time time before everyone went home and I'd be alone again.

As I got older I came to learn that no one's life is ideal, that many of those people I envied might not be having the good time they looked like they were having.  Or perhaps that I really wouldn't care to know them.  Case in point:  I go to a gay gym in San Francisco.  There were a number of guys I would see regularly that just looked so amazing.  So naturally they were out of my league.  But I kept looking.  As time went on I gained some self confidence and started talking to some of them, or at least observing them more closely.  And you know what?  They weren't all that.  They all looked great but there was a bad, negative attitude, or a voice that was a total deal breaker, or they were so low energy as to be unappealing on a personal level, or they were total flakes or...  Nobody's perfect.  Nobody's normal.  So everyone is.

And while everyone has their faults, it's also important to note that everyone has their strengths.  So maybe I wouldn't want to date any of these guys, but there's no reason that, having now introduced myself and conversed with them, I couldn't do the same when I saw them again.  That being said, if you feel like you want to forsake all of your relationships except for a few important ones, okay.  Maybe you just haven't found your place yet.  Personally, there's been no one place I've felt at home since high school.  The only times I do feel at home are when I'm in the company of people I have a strong connection with.  And there are precious few of those.  And that's fine.

I recently returned to my old job after a 4 month absence.  So many people were so happy to see me.  It felt good to be appreciated.  And I didn't question how deeply they liked me, like I would have in my teens or twenties.  Just because you're not a huge part of someone's life doesn't mean that the part you do play, and that they play in yours, is meaningless.  After all, you can only put your attention on so many things at once.  And from the sound of it, you had your hands full with school.

Speaking of which, your mom's reaction to your grades could not have had anything to do with you.  If "better" was the best she could come up with, she obviously has some serious stuff going on in her own head.  What you accomplished was an amazing achievement.  Don't let anyone take that away from you. (Says the guy who put on an outstanding, critically acclaimed cabaret show 2 years ago and was heartbroken because more people hadn't shown up.  I do understand the need for outside approval and support.)  Be gentle with your mom and yourself.  Don't mistake lack of excitement over your grades as lack of love.  I don't know your family, but I do know that we often put meaning onto certain actions and words which, in fact, don't mean what we think they did.  If there's something you need, something that you define as "support" from you mother, don't be afraid to come right out and ask for it.  You might be surprised at the conversation that follows.  And if she's incapable of giving you the support you need, don't drive yourself nuts trying to get it from her.  It's not your fault.

I also wanted to say that it's okay not to know what you want yet.  You are so young!  I've known what I've wanted since I was about 14 and look where it's gotten me.  I only really started going for it a few years ago, and even that resolve comes in fits and starts.  And I'm 37.

I totally feel for where you are right now.  Please know that you are not alone.  I recognize the feeling of not being understood.  And I'm telling you right now, it's an illusion.  I used to think of myself as so unique and so complex that no one could really "get" me.  Nobody could build more finely detailed walls than me.  The day I was finally able to give that up was one of the top five best days of my life.  It made me more willing to give people a chance to understand me and more willing to express myself in such a way that they could.  And you know what the best thing was?  My walls really were very impressive.  Monumental.  Fascinating.  If I could create something of such density and complexity I could create anything I wanted.

You've already proven yourself to be extremely powerful in turning your life around.  Trust yourself.  Trust your intuition.  Trust that you are right where you need to be.  And trust that we are here for you.

David, seeing your screen name on a new post always brings a smile to my face.  Thanks for letting us in.

Kirk

wow kirk.. you made me sniffle at work. great advice.

[Ellemeno]

What Kirk said.


Which I nominate for inclusion in the top ten truest posts ever anywhere.

[coffeecat33]

Hello David,

You and I don't know each other but we share a few things in common - chronic depression and a love of Brokeback Mountain. If I were to give you advice, it would be to print out Kirk's post and read it often.

Your mom is your mom and you will only get from her what she is capable of giving. If you have some expectations of her, you need to voice it - tell her exactly what you want in terms she'll understand. (My friend told her mom she wanted her mom to be supportive of her. Most moms don't have a clue what is meant by that, so you need to define it. If this doesn't make sense, please ask your therapist/counselor.)

Erica Jong said, "Jealousy is the fun you think other people are having." No one has their shit together any more or less than you do. It just looks different from the outside. (If you had met Jack down in Texas, who was married to pretty Lureen, what would you think of him? That he was straight & had everything he needed/wanted?)

Please don't cut anybody out or off. Just let be, let be. I became happier when I just took what people gave me. Consequently I have male and female friends, of all different ages and backgrounds. Some I exchange a few emails with, one I see pretty regularly. All different.

A few other random thoughts:

 Am I correct in assuming that you are a gay man about 21 yrs old? If you are in college, there's a chance it has a GLTB association. Join. Go to meetings. If there isn't, then contact a Gay or GLTB group in your town and go.
 Take at least one "frivolous" class just because you love the subject. I took a course about 'American Indians in Movies" and it was one of best, most fun, most eye-opening classes I ever took. All we did was watch movies then write reflective papers.
 You are looking for what people can give you like praise for your good grades. Instead of thinking that people don't give you what you want, try giving someone else what they need.
 Read what Kirk said about his complexities and the walls he created. It is TRUE about nearly every one of us. We think people can't understand us, but usually it's the case that we don't understand others.
 It is egotistical to think that others can't 'get' us. Try harder to make yourself understood. One thing I realized is that I often don't speak loud enough or clearly enough for others to hear me, so I try to keep that in mind when talking to someone.

Lastly, I would suggest that you look at your user name. TheStudDuck! What does that say about you? How does that invite people to get close to you?

Just keep on.

coffeecat33 / Leslie K.

[kirkmusic]

Hey David.  My partner Nick had this to add...

I suffer with depression also and know what that is like. Finding a good therapist and taking medication for the depression at the times in my life when it’s been at it’s worst has been both very tricky and very helpful. Well worth the effort though.

I connect with your feelings of loneliness and noticed that no one else has pointed to the fact that those feelings are part of the human condition and a mark of a true artist/inspirationalist. Look at all the people throughout history who have suffered with depression and have achieved great things:
 http://www.mixednuts.net/depression-famous.html
In addition to great people throughout history:
Abraham Lincoln, Virginia Wolfe, Eugene O’Neill, John Keats, Vincent Van Gogh, Isaac Newton, Michelangelo…
We’re in good company.

With that said, being told “you’re young” really sucks. I remember that. You’re not so young but you do have many life altering experiences to look forward to. It’s up to you to create those experiences. Embrace every relationship for what it can offer you even if it only offers you superficial conversation and leaves you with a feeling of longing for more. Embrace the longing. Don’t resist it. If you don’t fight it, it can’t win and you can’t lose. Embrace the longing as part of your beauty and an expression of the richness of your soul. Let it point to the fact that you are very capable of creating long lasting, loving relationships and that you value the little things others overlook.

With that said, I encourage you to find little things that bring a smile to your face. Lots of little things amount to a great feeling of satisfaction. Example: I live in San Francisco and when it’s dark, cold and wet (which makes dealing with depression very difficult for me), I walk my dog by a jasmine bush down the block. So, there I am with my dog and it’s black outside at 5PM. I am cold and damp. Then I just stop at that bush, close my eyes and inhale the sweet fragrance of the blooms (jasmine blooms Dec-Feb here in SF). I just stand there a moment and smile. Smiling brings my mind to the things and people who are or who have been in my life, the people who really bring me happiness and fill my heart. In that moment, I am really glad to be a participant on this planet.
It works for me.

I connect with you in that I am also someone who seeks reassurance and approval from others. More directly, I feel let down when people do not give me what I need from them. I found the key is to let them know what is I need from them. That requires a lot of soul searching on my part. Once I can identify what I want/need from someone, then I can communicate that to them. Try this with your mom. Don’t put any pressure on her and don’t make her defensive but simply ask. Maybe something like, “I know this may sound needy, but I was hoping you would be more enthusiastic about my grades. Can we do a little something together to celebrate, just you and me? That would really make me happy”. I don’t know your family situation and hope that may sound reasonable to you (and her). If she does agree then while you’re out celebrating (lunch, a movie, etc.) tell her that you are proud of yourself for having turned your grades around and that you plan to continue on this track. Let her know that you value your relationship with her and ask her to encourage you to continue getting the great grades. Perhaps, “if you push me a little, I think I can continue making the changes we’ve seen recently. Will you check in with me from time to time and make sure I am not slipping?” I hope that makes her feel like she is an important influence in your life and that should give her a great sense of being loved by you.
Remember the best way to get love is to put it out there.