... clearly this amazing group of people have history, including some anger, resentments, frustrations, etc., that any group would have. But there's got to be a way of being more respectful of each other, even when there is not a personal sense of respect for another individual. Otherwise, what's happening now happens more. Built up anger vents, more anger erupts in respose, personal attacks might be made, moderators step in, censorship cries begin, etc. I really hope that we as a community, of which I am only very recently even been a part of, can aim higher and be more reflective as we post so that we can really maintain the level of respect and caring that's been so apparent here.
Juan, I want to thank you for starting this thread. I agree with all of what you said. We are a strong-minded and generally pretty loving and supportive group. I sure hope we stay that way. I agree that things need to be dealt with as they come up, (perhaps privately) and yet with some guidlines.
I wasn't present for what happened yesterday but I have read some of it and have thought about it a lot since then. Re: your idea about guidelines, I have done my share of group work too, including some group facilitation. I definitely don't want to be in that roll here--Phillip is the Administrator extraordinaire--but I think it's a good time to get the ball rolling as far as any ideas for guidelines that we come up with collectively.
So, here are my personal guidelines for this board--feel free to discuss them:
1) What I always want to remember is that we came together at Chez Tremblay because of our love of a very special movie (and story) that is about many things, but most of all, to me, is about remembering how precious love is, how precious our time on earth is, and that we shouldn't waste it by saying no to who we are. That we are meant to celebrate who we are in life. Given that, I want to remember that we are here to enjoy and have fun with each other, to celebrate and support each other, to talk about this great movie, how it's affecting us, and anything else connected to it!
With that said, if things come to a heated and personal discussion or argument, my three things to remember are:
A)
Always attempt to speak to the best in the other person. Another way to say it is: refrain from speaking in a way that would be likely to bring out the worst in a person. As Phillip has always said, this is not the place for personal attacks. The above is my personal guideline for how to avoid getting into them. It's not always easy to remember in the heat of the moment, but that brings me to my second personal guideline...
B)
Take your time, and take time out if you need to. In the heat of the discussion, it's really easy to get caught up in wanting to make a point, possibly to hurt or get back at someone. Especially in a face-to-face argument. In this format, I
am hampered in my communication in that I DON'T see anyone's facial expressions or posture, or hear tone of voice (all of which make up over 90% of face-to-face communication). But I am, and we all are
lucky in one respect--we can take our time choosing our words, since it's all in writing and we have time to compose those words in private. So, I can yell and scream all I want, or take a ten minute break to vent somewhere before coming back to the discussion. This is something I hope I can take advantage of when the discussion gets personal. And, when I come back, I would try to remember the first guideline--speak to the best.
C)
Everyone has feelings, and has the right to feel them. Hopefully feelings are allowed to come and go, since that is their nature (IMO, it's when the mind gets in the way that they can get stubborn and stick around longer than they are meant to...) So, I can't argue about what someone is feeling, or tell them they don't have a right to feel that way.
Neither can I tell them what to think. We all live in our own perception of reality, and
no one has the whole picture or knows what the "capital R" reality is. As Jack so poignantly said to Ennis, "If you wanna live your miserable fucking life, you go right ahead." He was upset but he realized it was Ennis' choice to see reality in the way he did, and Jack knew he couldn't do anything to change it. It's one of the most heartbreaking moments of the film to me.
With that said, we also have the right to discuss our perceptions and even argue about them. Hopefully we can do it respectfully by remembering these three things that I've spoken about here.
Thanks for listening.
With love,
Jenny
