Here's another hug from me, dear Daniel. I understand completely what you're going through, because I went through the same thing after seeing Shakespeare in Love. I was absolutely, over the moon, out of my mind, obsessed with Joseph Fiennes. Like you feel, just writing or typing his name was ecstasy. But it was pain, too. I rented everything he had ever done. I ordered his recording of Romeo and Juliet and listened to it every day in my car for two months, I think it was. I could not get enough of his voice. Looking at photos of him was actually painful. I only put ones up in my office in which he was not looking at the camera, because to look into his eyes dead on was agonizing in a way only you can seem to so beautifully describe. I wrote poetry and fanfic about him. Every song I heard reminded me of him. I played "In Your Eyes" by Peter Gabriel ad nauseum, thinking that it was in his eyes I could see the doorway of a thousand churches. And all the while here I was (and still am) what I consider to be a happily married woman. The only thing, I'm terribly sorry to say, that got me over it was time. And a lot of it. Really, more than that, I think I made myself almost hate him with too much familiarity. I beat my own obsession with him into the ground. Sad thing now is I can't watch anything he's done recently and enjoy it on *any* level.
I think knowing that, and starting to feel that exact same pull for Jake that I felt for him, I pulled back as quickly and resolutely as I could so as not to come to practically hate him someday like I have the other. With Joseph Fiennes, I read every bit of information about him I could get my greedy little hands on. I knew about all his conquests, girlfriends, live-in partners, break-ups. All of it. I watched every interview, every documentary (one has actually been made about the Fiennes family because they are all, with one exception (and ironically enough, his name is Jake and he is Joseph's twin), artists and there are six of them. I literally made myself sick of him.
I don't want to miss out on a thing Jake does artistically, and I know I'll be unable to appreciate any of it fully if I become obsessed with him like that. So I don't read anything about him except what's posted here. I don't Google his name or go to iheartjake to swoon over all his beautiful photos, because I know I would if I did. I know I'm no hero for figuring this out, believe me - it comes only from past experience and the great pain I wrought on myself with it.
By the same token, I don't think you should beat yourself up over the way you feel. Just let it ride. I promise you, it will pass. Eventually. In the meantime, he is your muse and you've constructed some heart-wrenchingly beautiful poetic thoughts because of him. As painful as it is, I know it is also ecstasy. You are alive. This is what being fully alive is for you. When it's finally over for you, and I promise it will be, you may very well find you don't look back on this period as being a dark time in your life, but a time of awakening and growth. JF, as I so often referred to him because it was painful to watch his name appear on my screen, showed me that there was something missing in my life. He filled the void of that missing thing for a while. When he couldn't any longer, I was left having to fill it myself. But that wasn't such a terrible thing. I see him as a ministering angel, as Annie would say - as something that cushioned the blow of the pain in my real life for a while until I was strong enough to bear it alone.
